Seeming to notice the distress in my voice and expression, Lucian moves from the table to sit beside me on the sofa. Before I can protest, he reaches over and pulls me onto his lap. As I try to move away, he says, “Stop, baby. Just let me hold you. We both need it.” I allow myself to relax because he’s right; we function better as a unit than we do separately. Within the circle of his arms, my world feels as if it’s back in alignment again. Nothing has been resolved between us yet, but even as my mind attempts to be the voice of reason, my body knows its other half too well to be denied. I feel his lips press against the top of my head before he begins speaking. “Lee, from what I’ve heard, basically grew up on the streets. When he was older, he worked for a man named Victor Falco and went on to inherit his business when he died. Falco was long rumored to be on the other side of the law. It’s possible Lee is only guilty by association with Victor’s reputation. As I said before, I have no proof either way.”
A startling thought occurs to me and I pull back enough to look up at Lucian. “Do you think he had anything to do with my mother turning herself in? Her sudden attack of conscience has been completely baffling to me.”
Lucian trails a finger down my cheek, and I see his answer before he speaks. “Yes, I’m quite certain he made that happen.”
Feeling my throat tighten as if gripped by unseen hands, I manage to choke out, “And my stepfather? Was that just a coincidence?”
“Baby, I honestly don’t know. I do know he was determined that you never be hurt again. As to how that translates, only Lee has that answer, and I doubt very seriously he plans to share either of those circumstances with you or me.”
I settle back in his arms, thinking of what he’s just told me. How do I feel about possibly having a father who may also be some type of vigilante? I believe Rose calls it jail-yard justice. Of course, I’m thinking that her version of that with Jake is a bit different from Lee’s. I have no idea how I’m supposed to handle the possibility that my birth father has not only shown up after twenty-four years, but he’s taken care of the people who terrorized me. It’s overwhelming to imagine there might be a grain of truth in something that sounds so far-fetched. How else can I explain what’s happened, though? It’s almost as if God never heard my cries or prayers, but now He’s noticed, and He’s righting all the wrongs heaped upon me. Yes, it sounds fanciful and deluded even, but how can I dispute this as truth when my mother sits in a jail cell, having to answer for her crimes, and the evil heart in my stepfather’s body no longer beats with life?
“It’s a lot to take in,” I admit, feeling overwhelmed.
“It is for me as well,” he agrees. “If you get to a point where you want to meet with Lee, then I will be happy to accompany you. On the other hand, if you don’t want to see him again, I will support that as well. I don’t think it’s anything you have to decide today. Just give yourself time to think about it. I won’t let him pressure you. It’s your decision whether or not he ever has a place in your life. He has to accept that.”
“I’m still angry with you, Luc,” I find myself saying. The fact I’m snuggled in his arms makes a mockery out of that statement, but my feelings of hurt and betrayal are still very raw. It’s ironic that he’s the one to wound me but also the only one able to soothe me.
“I know you are, baby. You were right when you said that my secrets are tearing us apart. I will tell you whatever you want to know, but can I ask for one concession from you first?” I agree warily, hoping he doesn’t ask for more time. That’s the one thing I’m not prepared to grant. Turning beseeching eyes to me, he asks quietly, “Can we go home to talk?” As if thinking I’m going to reject his request, he quickly adds, “I’ve never told anyone what happened that last day with Cassie, and it’s…hard to fathom talking about something so private in someone else’s living room. I promise that if you want to leave me afterward, I’ll bring you back here. Just…please?”
“All right,” I acquiesce, without protest. Truthfully, I’d rather be at his apartment while we talk. It’s not that I believe Rose is standing at her door listening—although she probably is. I feel more comfortable in the apartment I’ve called home for weeks now. Those walls sheltered me while I clawed my way back to sanity—and Lucian—after my assault. The one place in my life that has felt safe to me.
As if afraid that I’ll change my mind, Lucian stands, still holding me in his arms. “Is there anything that you need to take with you?” He looks distracted and I honestly believe he isn’t even aware he’s still holding me. I cherish his instinctive need to care for me. To be nurtured after so many years of neglect is something I will never take for granted.
“My bags are still at the door. We can get them on the way out.” I wiggle and he tightens his hold. “You can put me down now. I’m perfectly able to walk.”
My heart stutters as he gives me a look filled with anguish. “I’m afraid you’ll run from me again.”
“Luc,” I begin gently, “I’ve agreed to go with you. I’m not going to run. I told you where I was going earlier so it’s not as if you didn’t know. No matter how angry I get, I wouldn’t do that to you.”
He drops a kiss on my lips before saying, “I wish I could believe that.”
“Luc…” He doesn’t give me a chance to finish my sentence. He slowly lowers me to my feet before taking my hand.
“Ready, baby?” His tone is lighter, but he is far from relaxed. The tension emanating from him is palpable. My leaving earlier has had a profound effect on him. He’s shaken and clearly afraid of my reaction when he shares his past with me. He fears I’ll leave him, but I can’t imagine anything he’ll say that will make that happen. I’ve asked for his disclosure—I’ve given him no alternative. If he wants me, then he has to come clean. It’s not that I believe he shouldn’t have had a past before we met. He admits to casual sexual relationships and I’m sure there were many. He’s a rich, drop-dead handsome man who would have never lacked for willing women. Do I like to think of him with someone else? Hell no, what woman would? I don’t even want to know those types of details.
Cassie is different, though. His relationship with her has shaped him into the man he is. Even all these years later, she owns his nights and haunts his dreams. He wakes gasping for air, filled with an agony that only cocaine can ease. He has told me that she aborted their baby, but there is more there—much more. Something like that, while traumatic, shouldn’t be causing the type of dreams he has. In order for Lucian and me to be together, I have to know about her. It’s vital to the survival of Lucian and our relationship. I hope that in talking to me about her, he can finally be free of whatever demons haunt him.
I leave him briefly in the foyer to let Rose know. I knock on her closed door and she calls out for me to come in. She’s lying on her disheveled bed holding her phone. The grin on her face tells me that she has likely made good on her threat to call Max. She puts the phone against her chest and looks at me questioningly. “I’m going back to the apartment so Lucian and I can talk for a while.” She doesn’t try to talk me out of leaving; she simply gives me a smile that says she’d never expected I would stay.
“All righty then. You two kids behave.” I thank her and promise to call if I need to come back. As I’m closing the door behind me, I hear her say, “Max, I understand, but I don’t think I can help myself. When I’m alone, I’m just overcome with the need to make him pay.” I turn quickly, thinking I need to stay if she’s that close to the edge. When she gives me a smile and a thumbs-up, it hits me. She is pushing Max’s buttons. I think she couldn’t care less about Jake now. He is just a means to get to the man who has her complete attention. Poor Max. I’ve never met a more determined and goal-oriented person than Rose. If she wants him, then he should go ahead and wave the white flag now—he’s going down. I predict by the time their conversation is over, Max will be on his way over to talk her out of whatever she is threatening to do.
Lucian is standing at the door waiting for
me. He looks down at my bags and back to me. I know he’s asking if I plan to take them. I nod, trying to reassure him that I’m not leaving, no matter what he reveals to me. It’s ironic, I know, considering how fast I packed and left after finding out about my father. What he doesn’t know though, is that even as angry as I was with him, I almost turned around a dozen times. Whether I live or die has mattered to so few people in my life. How could I possibly turn my back on the man who has guarded me with everything he is? He has only recently said the words—he loves me—but haven’t I felt it almost as long as I’ve known my feelings for him? He has shown me in every way possible that he’d do anything for me. Today he will give me the final part of himself that he has been holding back. He will share his pain with me, and no matter what the story, I will stay. In my heart and soul, I know we were destined to find each other. Two damaged, broken people looking for the person who could make them whole again. I am his and he is mine. Of this, I am certain.
Chapter Three
Lucian
I resist the urge to do something completely out of character, like pulling over on the side of the road and throwing up. I should be calmer now. Lia is beside me, with her bags tucked between her feet. Her hand is on my leg, silently giving me the support I need, but still my heart races in fear. Telling her my story is almost anticlimactic. I no longer believe she will leave me as a direct result, but I do fear it will alter her opinion of the type of man I am.
Cassie committed heinous and unforgivable acts, but I was not without fault. Maybe the result would have still been the same, but that’s something I’ll never know. We were two kids who had no idea how to survive the type of toxic relationship we’d found ourselves in. Ultimately, our unborn child paid the price. There was a time I believed that I loved her and maybe I did. But those feelings were nothing compared to what I feel for the woman sitting next to me. My life was but an empty shell before she came into it. To keep her, I can no longer be the man I have been. She has worked so hard to overcome her past. How can I be worthy of her and do any less?
We arrive at the apartment far too quickly. I take her hand and lead her from the parking garage and into the elevator. She then curls her arms around my waist, resting her head against my chest. “I love you,” she whispers. The elevator opens to our floor, but neither of us moves. I wrap my arms around her small frame and hold her. It seems that we are both hesitating to cross the threshold into our home.
“I love you too, baby,” I say, before pressing a kiss against her head. She shudders against me and I don’t know if it’s from the words or the kiss. Just hours earlier when I declared my love for the first time, she had been livid. She felt I was just saying the words under duress to stop her from leaving. Maybe I wouldn’t have blurted them out so abruptly had she not been packing a bag, but the feelings had been true just the same. Not everyone has a shiny, perfect kind of love. Sometimes it’s messy, complicated, and painful. It doesn’t lessen the depth of the feelings involved though. I love her with an all-consuming intensity that scares the hell out of me. There had been times in my life when I wanted to give up, but if I lost her, I truly don’t think I would be able to recover.
“You really mean that, don’t you?” she asks in something akin to wonder.
“More than you can even imagine. I’m sorry I didn’t return the words when you first spoke them to me. I just panicked.”
She surprises a laugh out of me when she says, “I know. I’m kind of irresistible though so I knew you’d come around.” And that right there is one of the big reasons I do love her. Her ability to adapt and bounce back is like nothing I’ve ever seen. She was blindsided by Lee Jacks just hours before and can still find it within herself to make a joke. The fact I haven’t been worshipping at her feet every day should be a crime.
“You are that and more, Lia,” I agree, before reluctantly pulling away from her and leading her from the elevator. When we enter the apartment, Lia goes straight to the liquor cabinet and fixes a glass full of scotch. I raise a brow in question, hating to mention she shouldn’t be drinking until we know if she’s pregnant. Instead of taking a sip though, she brings the glass to the coffee table and then takes a seat on the sofa.
“You can drink it now or later,” she says before patting the place next to her. The time for running is over. She’s letting me know that there is no reprieve today. She expects to hear my story now. I pick up the glass and down half of it before sitting beside her. She takes my hand in hers and just waits. I decide to jump, praying she’s there to catch me in the end.
“I met Cassie in elementary school. She and her father moved into the area in the middle of the school year. Her mother had passed away when she was younger so it was only the two of them. Before her, it was mainly just Aidan and I. For some reason, she picked us out almost immediately and was determined to be friends. Eventually, she wore us down and we were inseparable. That continued into our teenage years. Aidan had a crush on her almost from the beginning, but she wanted me as we got older. I was a bit of a book nerd so my indifference was probably a challenge to her.” Lia giggles at my description of myself and I smile in reply. “I wasn’t always this man, baby,” I tease before I realize how true that statement is.
“I love the man you are,” she says softly before waiting for me to continue.
“Anyway, Cassie and I started dating in high school. I was resistant at first because I knew how Aidan felt about her, but a part of me was smug to finally be getting the girl. Aidan had the personality that usually drew people in and my more serious nature wasn’t as attractive. So, despite the fact I knew it was an asshole thing to do, Cassie and I became a couple. We dated through high school and into college.”
“Wow, that’s a long time,” Lia adds when I pause for a moment. “You must have really loved her.” I notice the hint of vulnerability in her voice that she is unable to hide.
“It was a long time, Lia, but we shouldn’t have been together for many of those years.” Running an unsteady hand through my hair I say, “Cassie was extremely emotional and oftentimes erratic. She was that way from the moment I met her, and as she got older, it became worse. She could go from sweet and loving, to mean and diabolical. I found out in high school that she had been taking medication for bipolar on and off for years. I believe her father tried to ensure she took the medication, but at times she wouldn’t, and the results were readily noticeable. When we were in college, Cassie became pregnant. She freaked out and wanted to have an abortion, but I was able to talk her out of it. She had to stop taking her medication, which sent her into a tailspin. After that, I learned to fear which personality I would see each day.”
“And were you and Aidan still friends during this time?” Lia asks, sounding curious.
“Yes, we all lived together in an apartment near the campus. I know it couldn’t have been easy for him to be that close to us knowing how he felt about her, but he didn’t let it show. He dated many different girls and stayed gone a good bit. I think he would have moved out, but he couldn’t bring himself to cut Cassie completely off, and I believe she gave him just enough encouragement while I wasn’t around to give him hope.”
“But I don’t understand why you stayed with her for that long if things were that bad at times.” Lia looks genuinely perplexed and I brace myself as I begin to reveal the ugliness that became such a large part of Cassie.
“I tried to break if off with her numerous times. At first, she would cry and beg me to stay. She’d promise to do better and I’d let it go because I didn’t know what else to do. After a couple of years, when the tears were no longer working, she began to threaten to kill herself.”
“Oh God,” Lia gasps.
I pull her onto my lap, knowing we both need the closeness. “I was a nervous wreck when she made that threat for the first time. I backed away from breaking up with her and we stayed together. By that time, I knew she was unhinged enough to do exactly as she said if she was pushed far enough. Thin
gs would return to some level ground for a while and I’d relax. This cycle repeated for so long…until she found out that she was pregnant. Things got bad after the first few months of no medication. I tried to keep her calm, but that became next to impossible. She was paranoid and delusional. By this time, she had completely stopped going to any classes and when I would get home in the afternoon, she would meet me at the door in either hysterical tears or irrational anger. Of the two, I still don’t know which was worse.”
Lia pulls away long enough to hand me the rest of my drink and I down it in one swallow. My hand is shaking as I put the crystal glass back on the table. “Luc, we can take a break if you need to,” she offers. “I know this is hard and I’m sorry for putting you through it. If I could let it go, I would. We need this though.”
I curl myself back around her and say, “I know, baby. I’m okay.” Clearing the lump from my throat, I ease back into the story. “She was five months pregnant at that time and we had found out it was a boy. I was excited and for all of a couple of days, she seemed to be as well. Then the ugliness returned. She told me that she was going to have an abortion. She didn’t want to be a mother and I couldn’t force her to do it. I tried to tell her that she was too far along for that. I promised to take care of the baby when he was born. I assured her that she wouldn’t have to do anything if she didn’t want to, but it didn’t help. She hated the weight she had gained even though she was actually underweight for where she was in the pregnancy. She said she felt ugly, fat, and unattractive. I tried to assure her that she was beautiful, but she couldn’t see past the person she thought she was in her head. She became paranoid that I was seeing someone behind her back, which I wasn’t. Our fights had escalated to violence as she slapped and punched me in anger. I never did anything other than try to shield myself while I left the room.”
“Did Aidan see any of this?” Lia asks in a shaky voice. I know that if I tilt her head up, I’ll see tears in her eyes. My emotions are too close to the surface to risk looking. It wouldn’t take much for me to break down.