“Not that I remember, but she tried to be careful about that. I think she liked the fact that Aidan thought she was someone other than who she was. She led us to believe that her father wasn’t good to her…was maybe even abusive, although I never saw any physical signs of it. I believe now that maybe he just didn’t know how to deal with her either.”
“What was his reaction to her pregnancy?”
“You know,” I begin, thinking back, “I never really heard from him about the baby. Cassie said he was fine, but he and I never discussed it. I only met him a handful of times and he seemed normal. It was obvious, though, that they didn’t have a close relationship. He took off years ago and I have no idea where he is now.”
Sounding sheepish, Lia said, “I’m sorry for asking so many questions and interrupting you. I’m just trying to get a clear picture in my mind of how everything was back then.”
“I know, baby, and it actually makes it easier for me to take a break while I fill in the blanks for you. It’s been so long that some of the memories are a bit fuzzy. Anyway, Cassie was going off the rails faster than I could put her back on them. I’m not proud of it, but I began losing patience with her. The fights were so absurd that after trying to just ignore them for five months, I was hanging on by a thread. I started staying away from the apartment more thinking it would help. It seemed like my very presence infuriated her so I was afraid I was jeopardizing her health by upsetting her. Well, apparently that only made her paranoia worse. The fights got uglier. Things might have calmed by the time we went to bed, but I would wake up in the middle of the night to find her hitting, scratching, and biting me. It got to where I was afraid to go to sleep for fear of what she would do to herself or me.”
As I drop my head back onto the sofa, already mentally drained, Lia rubs my chest and then cups my face. “Luc, I can’t even imagine what you must have gone through. I’m so sorry.” Just hearing those words from her slays me. This girl lived through years of physical and sexual abuse and she feels sorry for me. She isn’t just saying a bunch of meaningless words of comfort, either; I can hear the anguish in her voice. I fucking love her so much at this moment. I’d travel through hell repeatedly to find her on the other side. I pull her closer and then lie down full length, taking her with me. Only when my body curls protectively around hers do I continue.
“The last day we were together started off unusually—quiet. I would later think of it as the calm before the storm. Cassie woke up in a good mood, which was rare, and she talked almost non-stop about the baby. She seemed excited for the first time about the future and I thought that maybe whatever hormonal hell she’d been caught in was starting to lessen. I left for school and promised to bring home the hamburger she craved for dinner. I spent the day feeling lighter than I had in months. Finally, she was showing me a little bit of hope that she could be better. I came home that afternoon with our food and as soon as I shut the door behind me, all hell broke loose. I barely managed to avoid the glass that came flying at my head before another one was on the way. She was screaming at the top of her lungs about how I had ruined her life by getting her pregnant and was now fucking around on her. Then she was saying crazy shit about her telling everyone I’d raped her and that she would ruin me.”
Lia turns in my arms until she is facing me. She burrows closer, offering me comfort as my body trembles. “I love you. I’m here.” She repeats it several more times until I calm. “Do you need another drink?” she asks as she makes to get up and fix it.
“No, baby, please stay,” I plead, needing to feel her in my arms. She settles back and I pick up my story, now needing to get it out and over with. “As I was saying, she was worse than ever that afternoon and evening. When she threatened to tell everyone I’d raped her, I just snapped. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her that we were over and to do her worst because I was finished. I remember opening the door to leave and hearing her laughter. I thought that action just proved it right there. Instead of crying, she’s laughing like a loon. I ran into a couple of people from one of my classes as I was going to my car and they invited me to their fraternity party. Being wasted for a few hours sounded perfect to me so I took off with them. I helped them pick up some beer kegs and get everything ready. By the time the party was underway, I was already drunk. I followed up the beer and liquor by smoking a joint before hunting somewhere to crash. I was wandering around upstairs when some girl grabbed me and pulled me into one of the rooms. She said stuff about how she’d always wanted to be with me and she began undressing. There’s no excuse, but after nothing but insults from Cassie, this girl was telling me everything my ego needed to hear.” I pause, hating to admit what had happened next. I could probably gloss over it and hope Lia would let it go, but what would be the point in telling my story if I were not completely honest with the woman I love?
“You can tell me, Luc,” she whispers reassuringly against my chest.
“I slept with her. I have no idea who she was or even what she looked like, but I had sex with her that night.” Lia’s only reaction to my admission is the slight stiffening of her body. Maybe she had hoped at the last minute I hadn’t gone through with it, but now she knows better. I’d screwed around on my pregnant fiancée. “Somehow, I made it back home later on. I remember Cassie being asleep on the sofa, which wasn’t unusual. She often did that when she was angry with me, which was most of the time by that point. I went to the bedroom and passed out. I woke to find Cassie on top of me. She had turned the light on, and I was struggling to see through the sudden glare. She was asking me if this was how I fucked that girl. I remember wondering how she could possibly know what I’d done. I told her I was sorry and she just looked down at me and laughed. The sound scared the hell out of me. Then before I could process what was happening, she got right in my face and said, ‘Don’t ever forget that you made me do this. This is all your fault.’ She kept chanting that over and over, ‘All your fault. All your fault.’”
Lia wrenched from my arms suddenly, jumping to her feet. She looks deathly pale. “Dear God, Luc, what did she do?” She raised a hand to rub her neck as if feeling the knife that penetrated my own. I wish my answer could be that obvious. Cassie tried to kill me, but I lived. Maybe Lia would even believe I deserved it after cheating on Cassie. A violent, but fitting type of justice. What I wouldn’t give to be the only victim that night.
I sit up, put my feet on the floor, and let my hands hang between my legs. My heart is racing and my palms are sweating. I make no move to pull Lia to me again. Maybe we both need space between us for the last part of my story.
“Before I knew what was happening, there was a searing pain in my neck, almost as if it was on fire. Then it seemed as if there was blood everywhere. Something was choking me. I couldn’t breathe. I saw the knife in her hand and…fuck. She was going to kill me. I just lay there, already accepting the inevitable when suddenly she raised the knife and smiled down at me before cutting one of her wrists—and then the other. I tried to stop her, but I was so sluggish. I could barely move. Then she raised the knife one last time and brought it down…” I feel the wetness dripping down my face and am surprised to realize I’m crying.
“She killed your baby,” Lia sobbed from somewhere beside me. She crawls between my knees and puts her head on my lap as she continues to cry. I stroke her hair, offering silent comfort as my tears fall to mingle with hers.
“Aidan found us,” I manage to get out. “I have no idea if he was already home that night and we woke him, or if he got home just in time. We would have both died without him, instead of just…the baby. I’ll never know what that must have done to him, finding us like that. We’ve never spoken of it—ever. I don’t have many memories of what happened after until I woke up in the hospital. Aidan was destroyed that he hadn’t come sooner, thinking he could have stopped what happened. I was too much of a fucking coward to tell him that I had caused her to snap by sleeping with someone else.”
“How cou
ld she have known about that?” Lia asks the question that I asked myself for months afterward. It’s a piece to the puzzle that never fit. After a while, I let it go. I was guilty, so what did the particulars matter?
“I don’t know. I’m guessing that a friend saw me and called her. It’s a moot point.” I feel the anguish I’d tried to bury for years rise up to choke me. “Because I couldn’t be faithful, my child never drew a breath. Do you have any idea how much I fucking hate myself for that?”
Lia is back in my arms again. Her legs wrap around my waist and her arms wrap around my neck. She whispers low words of comfort and love that I don’t deserve but desperately need. I soak up everything she is freely offering me, hoping that her love can cleanse the black from my soul.
“Shhh, I’ve got you, baby. I love you so much, Luc, and I’m not going anywhere.” She kisses the tears that slide down my face. When we have both calmed, she softly asks, “Where is Cassie now?”
I stroke my hand up and down her back. “She’s in a psychiatric hospital a few hours from here. I didn’t press charges against her and refused to answer any questions about that night. Cassie had some type of mental break so she was going to end up institutionalized anyway. I hated her for what she did, but I couldn’t completely turn my back on her since I set the events of that night into motion. I’m her legal guardian, although I’ve turned the decisions concerning her care over to Aidan and Max.”
“Do you visit her?” Lia asks, looking uncomfortable. I guess if the situation were reversed, no matter how fucked up it was, I’d be a bit uneasy knowing she had someone like that still on the fringes of her life.
“No, not in a long time. She has gone through periods of acting as if she’s still pregnant.” When Lia looks confused, I add, “She would stuff a pillow under her shirt and stroke it—like a baby. She doesn’t appear to remember anything about that night and what she did.”
“Oh, God.” Lia flinches. “Is she never expected to recover? To be normal again?” I really didn’t want to answer those questions, knowing it would cause her to worry, but she needed to know—just in case. It appeared being with me was never going to be easy.
“There have been things happening recently. New developments with her. It may turn out to be nothing, but I don’t know at this point. She’s been engaging with people there and has said a few things to Aidan, leading him to believe she is beginning to recover. The doctors have tried many medications, but the new one is part of the drug trial. They believe she may be responding to it.”
Lia chews her bottom lip, the only outward sign she’s distressed by my news. “If she doesn’t remember anything, then if she gets better, won’t she think that you are still…together? Shit! You don’t have to answer that. It sounds incredibly selfish of me to worry about losing you after everything you’ve shared.” She looks down as if embarrassed and I see a tinge of red on her cheeks.
“Look at me, baby,” I order gently. She slowly lifts her head and I cup her cheek. “I’ve never loved a woman the way I love you. Cassie and I were kids…and the worst thing to ever happen to each other. If I hadn’t been such a competitive and selfish asshole, I would have never crossed the line from a friend with her. Aidan has always loved her and they should have been together. We’ve all paid the price because that didn’t happen. No matter what becomes of her, it changes nothing with us. You are my present, my future, and my forever. I can only hope that you’ll see all of this through with me because I need you. I can’t go back to who I was before. If you feel insecure because of what I did while I was with Cassie…I swear on my life, I will never—” Before I can finish, she puts a finger to my lips.
“I’m not worried that you will cheat on me, Luc,” she assures me. “I mean I know that Monique and Laurie would love nothing more than to see me gone, but you would break up with me before that happened.”
“I was feeling pretty good about that until you added that last part.” I laugh, amazed I’m able to joke after the emotional hell we’ve both just been through. That’s what being with Lia does to me though. She takes my usual intensity and makes it into something softer.
“Sorry.” She smiles. “I guess I should have left it at that. Thank you for sharing your pain with me. I know it wasn’t easy and I want you to know how much it means to me that you let me in. I also want you to believe that I’m not judging you for anything that happened in your past. It sounds as though you were both in a situation you couldn’t escape. My heart breaks for you, Cassie, and Aidan.”
At that moment, I feel something inside me begin to unfurl. I’ve spent so many years hating Cassie and myself that it has been slowly eating away at my life. I showed Lia my shame. Although I would never truly be free of it, she made it into something bearable. I can now look at it objectively and see the three kids destroyed that night. I can never fully forgive Cassie nor absolve myself of guilt, but maybe it’s time to let the hate go. Have we all not suffered enough? Fate brought Lia into my life and gave me a second chance. After the part I played in the tragedy that night, was it right that I begrudge Cassie the same? I vow that I will step back completely and allow Aidan to make the decisions concerning her if recovery becomes a real possibility. The man who has always loved her deserves his second chance as well and I will not deny either of them that. “Thank you, Lia,” I say, meaning it more than she knows. When she yawns in reply, I stand, taking her with me. It’s been an emotionally and physically draining day. I carry her to the bedroom, before setting her on her feet. I strip down to my boxers while she gets one of my T-shirts from a drawer and quickly changes. Within moments, I am lying on my back in bed with her against my side. “How are you handling what happened to you earlier?” I ask, not wanting to dwell on Cassie anymore tonight.
“Do I really have a father now, Lucian?” she asks timidly, sounding afraid to believe it might be true.
“Yes, baby, you do. Lee wouldn’t have made that claim without being certain.”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now,” she admits. “I mean, I’ve never really given much thought to having a dad, other than to wonder if he knew how my mother treated me. When I was young, I would sometimes fantasize that he would show up one day and take me away. He would have a nice house with a perfectly decorated bedroom just for me. And he wouldn’t let her touch me again. As I got older, those dreams faded and I just wished that he were dead. Then I could feel better about him leaving me with her. Now, suddenly he’s here and part of me hates him and another part is drawn to him.”
Kissing her temple, I say, “Of course you are, and he seems as equally drawn to you. Actually, I’d say he’s downright obsessed with getting to know you. He can’t force that on you though, baby. You make the calls there. I won’t let him try to force you.”
With a snort of disgust, she says, “What does it say about me that the possibility of him being some kind of criminal doesn’t upset me? In a completely messed up way, I think it would be worse for me if he were a devoted family man with a wife and kids. I would feel cheated knowing he had taken care of them and not me. He was so upset earlier…as if I really mattered to him.”
“I believe you do. He could have easily chosen not to contact you when he found out he was your father, but he has been insistent about meeting you. He’s furious about how you were raised and I think, just sick over not being there to stop it. He’s going to want to take care of you now so be prepared for that.”
“Why do all of the men in my life want to pay my bills?” She sighs in exasperation. “I may not be rich, but I’ve managed to get by this long. Plus, I haven’t slept in my car for years,” she jokes.
I can’t bring myself to laugh at the image of her sleeping in a car. It breaks my fucking heart even to think about. It seems a miracle to me that she is here in my arms now. The fact our paths crossed is something I will be forever grateful for. “When you love someone, you want to take care of them. I don’t want to see you struggle as you have been forced to
do in the past. What’s mine is yours; I wish you could accept that.”
She reaches up and presses a kiss on my chin, before resuming her position against my chest. “Luc, if you really think about it, we’ve only been together a matter of months. I…I’m still adjusting to having someone in my life who cares enough about me to want to solve my problems. I have to stay on my guard…and be ready in case anything changes.”
I feel my heart stutter at what her statement implies. I shift her to the pillow next to mine, before sitting up and turning on the lamp. We both blink for a moment at the sudden blaze of light. “You’re afraid to depend on me because you think at some point I’ll leave you?” I ask, feeling strangely emotional at the thought. It has been so long since I’ve worried or even cared about the thoughts or fears of the woman I’m seeing. For years, I made it clear from the beginning that I was offering nothing but sex. Now I have Lia, and maybe in some ways, I have changed her life already, but God knows she’s changed mine. Could I blame her for being scared of what the future will bring? Didn’t the same fears somewhat rule me? Terrified to lose the first woman I’ve ever loved as a man?
She turns onto her side, looking up at me with her heart in her eyes. “I love you so much, Lucian. Even with everything that’s happened in the last few months, loving you has made me the happiest I’ve ever been and it terrifies me. I fight the urge every day to push back because you’ve become my life in such a short amount of time.” Giving a wry laugh, she adds, “I know women aren’t supposed to say stuff like that to men because it makes them sound clingy and needy, but I want you to understand why I’m afraid to jump in with both feet. It’s not that I don’t trust you, but I have to keep some part of who I am. I have to take care of myself. It’s what I know. It’s…all I’ve ever known.”