“I don’t want a fucking break,” I said for the tenth time.
“Go to another school, Blake. I need the break. Go find yourself.”
“I don’t have a self without you.”
“Blake, please don’t make this any harder than it already is for me. My heart is broken and I need space.”
“Is that why you brought your boyfriend?”
“My dad invited him and you’re a dick. I hope you figure things out.”
Janie pulled away from me and I held her arms; afraid to let her go, “Janie Lynn, listen to me. I love you, I don’t want to be without you, this has been the worse week of my life.”
“Goodbye, Blake.”
Her hand on my chest felt like the same crush to my chest that I’d felt before. I hated it. I couldn’t lose Janie.
Eleven
“I don’t think any less of you for that, Blake. You were dealing with something, you were a young boy,” I assured him. I always got so lost in his words. I could feel the tension between Blake and Janie and I had never even met her.
“I know that now, but it took a while. Is that enough? Are you satisfied?”
“No. I know there is more, but it’s late and we have a busy day tomorrow. We can go to bed. You can tell me tomorrow.”
“You have to show me a little kid pic. You promised.”
“Ugh. Go get the box, but you have got to turn this fire off. You’re cooking me from the inside out.”
Blake leaned in and brushed his lips across mine, “Take your clothes off.” I watched his ass walk away, leaving me lusting after him. I wanted to touch his strong back, run my fingers through his hair, and feel his body molding into mine.
I moved to the floor, hoping to sit between Blake’s legs, or closer to him than the chairs, anyway. He dropped the box and leaned against the wall.
“Come here,” he ordered, pulling me around the waist. I didn’t want to look in this box. Blake was already raw from facing his past, I didn’t want to be underdone with him. That could be dangerous. I spun around and straddled his lap, hoping to distract him and postpone this memory lane for another time. My tongue parted his lips and my fingers tangled in his hair, tilting his head with my grip.
“You’re stalling.”
“I don’t want to do that. I want to do you. I miss you.”
Blake leaned forward and took me with him, “Fine, but I want to look at every photo with you. I want to feel what you’re feeling when you tell me the story behind every one. Got it?” he asked, in a stern sexy tone while he lifted my shirt over my head.
I nodded and raised my hips for him. My eyes glanced around him to make sure the curtains were closed. As soon as I was sure nobody was watching us, I popped the button on his jeans and slid down the zipper. Holy shit. No underwear was suddenly sexy as hell. Taking him in my hand, Blake towered above me, kissing and sucking on my neck. My hand stroked him within his jeans; I didn’t want him to take them off yet, the sight was too freaking hot. His muscles bulged while he was holding himself above me as his lips and tongue did magical things to my senses. Every one of them answered to his touch.
My eyes opened to his closed eyes when he moved my hand between my legs. I moved it and closed my eyes when his tongue dove into my mouth. Moaning, I moved my hand again, wondering what the hell he was doing. It was almost like he was trying to get me to touch myself.
“Touch yourself,” he whispered to my lips and moved my fingers again.
“No, I can’t do that.”
“Yes you can. Just like this.” Blake’s soft words and his meddling hand made me do it. I shut my eyes. Ugh. Why did he have to be so kinky? He knew I didn’t do well with new. My own fingers spread my juices to my pulsating nub and I moaned. Damn it.
“Yeah, just like that, baby. Keep going,” he rasped in my ear. I felt him move his hand and mine kept moving. Against my will, three fingers circled my clit. “Ohhh, mmm, yeah, right there, baby. Rub your pussy for me.”
My eyes opened when I felt Blake move.
Well hell…
He moved between my legs on his knees and slid down his jeans. Oh wow. My legs were pushed open and my eyes closed. I hated this as much as I loved it.
“Open your eyes.”
My right leg moved up and he stopped it, pressing it back to where he wanted it. I watched Blake tease my aching core with every pump of his fist. Holding himself just above my entrance, I watched him fist his member towards me, but not quite. He was so close. I don’t know why, but I thought about something my mom said once about making love. She told me that when it was real, you would feel like you were playing your first piece in front of a million people. You would be scared, excited, and aroused all at once. I felt like that now; raw and exposed. Was this what she meant? I was glad I was sharing it with Blake. I wouldn’t have been able to do this with anyone but him.
It was magnificent, erotic, and the arousal was through the roof. Blake held one hand on the inside of my leg, keeping me from closing them while my hips twisted into my fingers. This was it. I was really going to do this. I felt it building, starting from my head. The unbearable sensations traveled quickly down my body and exploded. Blake pumped harder with his hand which in turn made me rub harder and I screamed out in pure, amazing bliss. The waves were still coming when he moved in and dove deep inside me. My back arched and the moans flowed beyond my control. Love making to me was a phenomenon. I didn’t understand how two people could become whole by being together like this; how nothing else mattered, and nothing else existed. Just this. The now. This right here.
Blake held himself high with stiff arms and stared deep into my soul. My fingers lay lightly on his chest and my eyes held his. That’s when I realized I was still wearing the pink lace bra. Why? That was normally the first thing Blake discarded.
“What?” he asked, reading my thoughts. I only shook my head. Blake knew. He knew I was sick. Everything in me told me that he knew. Why wasn’t he saying anything?
“Nothing,” I replied.
“I love you.”
I smiled a weak smile and ran my hand over his shoulder and down his arm. The lump in my throat wouldn’t let me say it back. One tear ran down the side of my face and I turned my head to keep him from seeing it. Blake lowered his body and kissed the corner of my eye. His attempt to kiss it away failed, it opened a dam.
“Let me up,” I said, twisting my body while keeping my face turned. I didn’t want him to see this. I didn’t want him to see me crumble at his hands. Blake moved and I got away from him, I barely remember even sprinting up the steps. I closed our bedroom door and ran to the bathroom, heaving sobs in and out. The emotions I felt were so exposed, so fresh; unlike any I had ever felt before. Cold water splashed my face and I tried to calm myself. The only thing wrong with that was I didn’t know why I was so upset. He knew. With everything in me I knew that Blake knew. I was scared of so many things. What if he didn’t want me anymore? Wait, that didn’t matter, I didn’t want him. I wouldn’t let him live through that again. The devil himself didn’t deserve that kind of pain. Maybe it was the rejection. Was that why I was scared? Was it knowing that I would go through it alone, that I wouldn’t have anybody?
“Makayla?”
“I’m fine,” I snapped at the closed door.
“Open the door.”
“No. Just leave me alone, Blake. I’m fine. I just want to be alone.”
“You’re upset.”
“I’m fine!” I yelled with so much anger and hate. It wasn’t fair. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. I was supposed to be looking through magazines and picking out stupid wedding dresses. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. My eyes searched for something to throw, something to take my anger out on. I needed a pen. I needed to break something, anything. I just wanted it to stop. It was right. It wasn’t—
My tear streaked face jerked to the door and the broken hinges. Blake looked angry. I stood still, unable to move when he stormed to me in his jeans. I didn??
?t care about him not having anything below them anymore. I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t even know what the hell was going on. I sobbed into Blake’s chest, and he held me tight for I have no idea how long. It was at least ten minutes or more. I couldn’t stop, all the anger and frustration about the cards I was dealt kept coming and coming. I didn’t want these cards, I didn’t even want to play this stupid game.
“Come on. Let’s go to bed.”
“Go to bed?” I asked, pulling away. My words quaking, but at least I could talk. Go to bed? Seriously?
Blake tilted his head and smiled, “Well, we don’t really have a bed, but I did bring our sleeping bags and pillows up here. We can at least sleep in our room.” His sad smile contagiously gave me the same half a grin and I walked around him.
“There’s only one sleeping bag and one pillow,” I informed him.
“Darn, we’ll have to share.”
I snapped the only garment I had on from the back, and dropped my bra. Blake removed his jeans and crawled in with me. God I was so in love with him. I didn’t want this to end. I wasn’t ready for it to end.
My thumb swiped away one last tear. “Blake?”
“No, Makayla. Go to sleep. We’re not talking about any of this. Not today. We’re going to pick Pea up in a few hours and I am taking you both out for pancakes.”
“You are?” I smiled.
“Yes, and then we’re going to see this guy that refurbishes antiques. His name is Joel. He’s been working on the sound system. He showed me some of the pieces that he has restored and he’s pretty damn good.”
“He is?” I liked talking about this more.
“Yes. I’m hoping he has a curio cabinet for Pea. I think we should go there first, that way we can match her bedroom furniture with the cabinet.”
“Maybe he has a complete bedroom suite for her.”
“Hmm, maybe. That would be nice.”
That’s what Blake and I talked about; buying furniture, Pea’s birthday, decorating our house, anything to keep from talking about the real world. The one that would be taken away. Blake whispered he loved me with every kiss to my bare shoulder, and I said it back. I did love Blake Coast. I loved Blake hard. With everything in me.
Emotional exhaustion covered us around three in the morning. The last time I looked at the cable box waiting for a stand it was two fifty-three, and then it was morning. Just like that. One minute we were talking and the next we were waking up. Blake made love to me inside the sleeping back before we got up; all without one word. It was strange; like a weight had been lifted, yet it hadn’t. We didn’t really talk about anything, and I wasn’t even sure what it was Blake thought he knew. I mean, I did, but I didn’t. I didn’t understand how he could just forget it like that.
“Let’s go get a bed. My back hurts,” Blake smiled to my lips. Aahh, what a way to wake up. My hips jolted with one last quiver when he slid out of me, purposely sliding himself over my overactive nub. He snorted, like he’d just put an exclamation mark behind the orgasm he’d just brought me to. He did.
“I miss Pea. Let’s go get her.”
I don’t know how we did it, but we did. The day started out amazing and continued throughout the morning. Pea sat in the back-seat and told us about the circus lions again.
“And we’re going there to watch it tonight, huh, Mikki?”
“Oh, yeah, we’re going to the circus tonight,” I smiled over at Blake.
He smiled back, but it wasn’t the one I was hoping for. My hand went to his and then I smiled. He squeezed it and looked through the rearview mirror to Pea.
“The last time I went to a circus was right here in Nashville; the same one we’re going to.”
“It is?” Pea questioned.
“Pea, stop doing that. You’re stretching your shirt out,” I chastised, wanting her to remove her knees from her shirt. Too late. “Now look at your shirt. It looks like you have two deflated boobies.”
Pea giggled and I laughed, “What?” I asked, turning to Blake’s blank stare. Geesh, I couldn’t even say boobies? I get that it was a touchy subject, but come on.
“I was with your mom, she came here with me when my uncle passed away.”
“I know him, he is Grandma Grace’s uncle too and he was an old man and he rided in a wheelchair. I want one too.”
“He was an old man and he didn’t rided, he rode.” I couldn’t help it. Her grandmothers could let her be three; I was making her be five. “You don’t need a wheelchair. Those are for people who can’t get up and run and play.”
“Welp, I just want to pretend like it,” she informed me burying her knees below her shirt again.
“Tell her about the circus,” I coaxed, turning to the road. Pea had something on her mind and she was more hard-headed than me. That was pretty hard. I could argue with her over why she didn’t want a wheelchair for the rest of the trip, and it still wouldn’t matter. She would still want it.
I loved hearing this. This love story that Blake shared with Pea. Her entire face listened with intent. Blake talked about how they had come here for a funeral and Janie came with him for support. Blake didn’t even really know the guy, but he used it to his advantage. I loved this story, of when it was the perfect bubble; the one that nobody could touch; before Blake’s dad drove drunk, and before Janie got sick.
***
We were standing in the foyer of some rented hall, waiting for the line to thin out. There must have been thirty people in line, and thirty more like me, starving to death.
“I bet that’s a circus tent.”
“What?” I asked, turning to Janie. She was staring out the window with that look in her eyes.
“I bet that’s a circus tent.”
I looked in the direction her eyes were focused. “Yeah, looks like it, so?” I replied, turning back to the line. Damn. It hadn’t moved.
“Let’s go.”
I laughed, “Let’s not.”
“Come on. I can’t be around all this death anymore. I hate all this sadness and black. Except for you of course.”
“Me? What do you mean?”
“You’re not sad. I think you tricked me to get me to come here, I should have stayed home and practiced.”
“I didn’t trick you. What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, turning to the same red and white, striped tent steeple. “Please, Janie Lynn. I can’t say goodbye without you. I need you there to hold my hand. Please don’t make me bury my favorite uncle without you. Please Janie.”
My stubborn girlfriend said in a mimicking tone, “When was the last time you even talked to this guy?”
“He was seven,” my obstinate mother answered for me in passing. What the hell?
“See, exactly my point. You don’t even know this guy. You tricked me. Take me to that circus, we’ll be back before anyone even misses us. I just want to see the animals.”
“No, Janie. No. No. And No! We’re not leaving this building.”
“Fine,” she replied in a tone that I knew all too well. I wasn’t surprised one bit when she pushed the double doors and walked out to the sidewalk.
“I’m going to kill her,” I audibly said. A short fat lady frowned at me as I followed after Janie.
She slid her heels off and looped them over her fingers. I watched her in amusement when she turned around to be mean some more. She was wearing a black dress with a white sweater; the bottom of it flowed and looked way better with her bare feet. Janie hated heels. I smiled watching the made-up Janie turn into the Janie only I knew. She tied her sweater around her waist and glared at me.
“Thought you had a dead body to go cry over. You know, the one that you don’t even know who he is?”
“Shut up. We have to find food, I’m starving, and we have to go look and come right back. Deal?” I wagered, offering her my hand. I jerked her toward me and kissed her when she agreed, feeling like she just won one over on me. I didn’t care. She could win one over on me for the rest of my life, I lo
ved that smile. “And you have to let me get it in tonight.”
“Too late. We already shook on it. Besides, you almost got us busted last night.”
“But, I didn’t soooo…”
“We’ll see. Want to get pizza?” she asked, swaying my hand back and forth with hers.
“Mmmm, nah, let’s get tacos.”
“Sounds good to me. Blake?”
“Yeah?” I questioned, letting go of her hand long enough for the sign to pass between us. It was a Janie thing. Don’t ask me why she did that. She walked on the opposite side of every sign there was and living in New York meant lots of signs. She let go of my hand and grabbed it again as soon as we were past it. It was natural now. I didn’t even think about it anymore.
“Do you think we’ll get married?”
“You’re already wearing my promise ring. What do you think?”
“But I mean for real. We’re going to graduate next year. I mean, I don’t know., we have like our whole life ahead of us. What do you want to do?”
“What do you mean? I want to work for your dad. You know that.”
“Yeah, but we have to go do stuff. We can’t just go to school and grow-up just like that,” she assured me, letting go of my hand again. That sign told me we were close to food. Thank God.
“Yes we can. That’s what we’re supposed to do. Maybe we’ll work together and your dad will give us like, our own hotel to run or something.”
“I don’t want to do that. I’ve been in a Zazen Resort since I was born.”
“I know, lucky dog.”
“I don’t want to live in a penthouse at the top of one of my dad’s hotels. I want to live in a studio apartment with brick walls and a fire escape.”
“You want to live in the hood,” I clarified, grabbing her hand and pulling her back to me. That was a Janie thing too. I swear she would have been splattered by a taxi a thousand times if I hadn’t pulled her back. “Pay attention,” I lectured for the one-millionth time.
“No, not the hood. Just normal. And then when we have babies, I want a house like yours. With a yard and porch swing where we can swing and read books to our kids.”