“It is. Did she hate that curl at the bottom of her hair as much as Pea does?”
Sarah laughed, “I bet we spent a thousand dollars trying to get rid of that. You have it too. So does your dad.”
“He’s not my dad, and I don’t care about mine. It never bothered me. I wasn’t too worried about a flip in my hair growing up,” I replied coolly, trying to hide the instant anger. I didn’t mean to be rude, but come on. Your dad? For real?
“He’s talked about you nonstop for months.”
“Yeah, can we not do this?” I asked, shifting my eyes to Pea. I used her as an excuse to get off that subject.
“I’m sorry. I just hate seeing him like this. He’s sorry. He’s so sorry. He didn’t know, Mikki.”
“Yeah, yeah. I know.”
“I wish your mother would have called me, I would have taken care of you. Please know that, Mikki.”
“Why? You knew about her. You knew what he did with her for weeks and weeks.”
“Come here, I want to show you something.”
“No. I’m good. That right there is all I care about right now,” I assured her, nodding toward Pea. We didn’t need to do this. I didn’t want to do this. I wasn’t interested in being Barry’s daughter. “I just want you to have a relationship with Pea.”
“Pea, you okay here? We’re going to go down the hall to my room. You can come if you want,” Sarah offered.
“No, I want to play with the fish. Why don’t they swim backwards?”
“Hmm, good question. Let’s look it up later,” I offered, trying to get to her. I tried to use the fish and Pea’s inquisitive mind to keep from going with Sarah. I didn’t want to see anything. Sarah took my hand and led me down the hall to their bedroom. “Sarah, we don’t have to do this,” I whined like Pea when she didn’t want to do something. I may have even stomped my feet a little. “I don’t care what Barry does. I just want him to be good to Pea.”
“Oh he will. He’s infatuated with her. Sit here,” Sarah ordered, practically forcing me to the window seat. This window looked out to a park setting in the back yard. No wonder Sarah liked this house. I loved this house.
Sarah sat beside me with a white photo album. Gold letters spelled, Janie Lynn Holden, in calligraphy. Great. I didn’t want to watch Janie grow up, I wanted her to do this with Pea, not me. I wasn’t part of this family, and I didn’t want to be. Only Pea. Why was that so hard for her to understand?
I looked over to her when she opened the book. The urge for a pen in my hand was automatic. “My mom,” I said, the words catching in my throat. Atlanta Grand Opening was etched in the same calligraphy. She was so pretty, but I didn’t understand. “How can you keep these when you know what she did to you?”
“Janie didn’t know any of that. We never let her hear any of those fights during that trying time of our marriage.”
“How can you just forgive him for that? How can you keep these photos of her?”
“I kept them because of that,” she pointed, “look at Janie’s face. Your mom was a special person in her life. Your mom introduced her to the piano, and created a love for music that I would have never known she had. Janie never knew about your mother and her father. Victoria was an idol to her and sometimes you do things to protect your child from things that would hurt them. She didn’t need to know about that. Your mother loved her.”
“Wow. You’re the real deal.”
“What do you mean?”
I flipped the next page and laughed. That was my mom. Janie and my mother looked like drowned rats, holding hands and dancing in a downpour. Both their faces looked to the heavens with opened mouths. “I just mean, not many people have the ability to be bigger than themselves. You do. You swallowed the hurt my mother caused you for Janie. That’s real.”
“Your mother saved my family.”
“What do you mean?” I was the one to question that time.
“Look at her. Look how happy she is in the photos.” I smiled. She was always happy. Even when she was in horrific pain she could still find something to laugh about. That’s just the kind of person she was. “Now look at me.”
“You’re beautiful,” I said, looking at the successful female, wearing expensive dresses and suits.
“I wasn’t as beautiful as your mother.”
“Sure you were. Just a different kind of beautiful.”
“No, I was ugly. Very ugly. I cared about one thing; money, and the next resort. Barry and I built all of this together. He was the one that wanted to slow down and start a family, I didn’t. We were in the prime of our lives, living the dream most only vision in their minds. It wasn’t until after your mother’s fling with my husband and my daughter that I saw where my priorities were. Your mother taught me that. Your mother showed me that this little girl right here was all that mattered,” Sarah explained, pointing to a picture of Janie.
“Did you confront my mother? Did she know that you knew?” I pondered, flipping to the next page. Janie and my mother were back to back in bathing suits, holding water guns, ready to draw.
“Yes, things got ugly. I hated her with a passion.”
“Do you think she was in love with Barry?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. She was in love with Janie that’s for sure. I’m surprised she didn’t marry, I thought for sure some lucky guy would sweep her off her feet. She was so young and full of life.”
“She didn’t have time with me, the symphony, and her job, I think that was all she wanted. I never saw my mother as lonely. Ever,” I explained. That wasn’t a lie. We were busy people and we were busy having fun. That’s what mattered to her, making sure I was living life to the fullest.
“I don’t doubt that a bit. I learned that from her. The day your mom packed her things to leave, I went to see her. I told her that I didn’t want her to ever contact Barry or Janie ever again. She promised that she wouldn’t and apologized for the fiftieth time. She said something to me that day that changed my life.”
“She did?”
“Yes.”
“What?”
“She was crying. She told me that I didn’t see Janie, that I didn’t even know who she was.”
“You did. I mean, who takes this many photos?” I questioned. This kid had her photo taken on a daily basis.
“I knew her through these photos. Barry hired college kids for summer interns; Janie was part of their job. Your mom and Janie put this together.”
“My mom made this with Janie?” I asked.
“Yes. I want you to have it.”
“No. I can’t.”
“Yes you can. I want you to look at it and remember her like this.”
“I didn’t get anything.”
“You didn’t get anything?” she questioned.
“Yes, I ran. I didn’t go back to our apartment when she died. I should have. I don’t even know where she is.”
“I’m so sorry you went through that alone, sweetie.”
“Are you sad, Mikki?” Pea asked, standing right in front of me. I didn’t even hear her come in. The glossy film over my eyes made her look like a smeary Pea.
“No, baby, I’m not sad. Look at this. This is your mom and my mom, how cool is that?”
“It is?” she questioned. I lifted the book and she climbed on my lap. Of course she had to start from the beginning.
“What’s this grandma?” she asked, pointing to the photo of the two happy girls wearing jerseys and ball caps. I could hear the beam in Sarah’s voice, and I have to admit my own heart sort of shined, hearing her call her grandma. Kids really are funny creatures. I worried about what this would do to her, how she would handle it all, but truth be told, she handled it way better than I did. This seemed to be a lot more for me than it was her.
“That was your mom’s first Atlanta Braves game.”
“My mother loved the Braves,” I smiled, feeling the happy memory.
“Oh believe me, I know,” Sarah assured me, “Janie was obsessed with
the Braves too, thanks to your mom.”
“Did you go there too?” Pea asked Sarah.
“Yes. Your grandpa bought your mom season tickets one year for her birthday. We went a lot that year. I have those happy memories because of a very special girl who loved your mom.”
“Your mom,” Pea announced, looking back to me. I never knew my mother was such a big part of their lives. I shouldn’t have been surprised. My mom had that effect on people. She didn’t have a single enemy. Not one. Listening to the stories about Janie and my mother, I longed for a pen, my mind needed something to do. I had to stop this. The dry swallow made it half way down before I moved Pea to the side and walked out. I was going to cry. I had to.
Making it to the room I’d slept in the night before, I walked to the window. Pleading with myself not to cry, I held it in, huffing in deep breaths, trying to make it go away. Wow. That came out of nowhere. My fingers made a snapping noise with the flailing of my hands while I paced. My fists balled into white knuckles and I shook them again, trying to hold on. Not now. Not now. Not now. I moved the curtain and breathed again, one long, deep breath.
“I’m sorry, Mikki. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted you to see how much I owe your mother. My marriage was failing, I saw fortune and success, and I didn’t know my daughter. It took Janie wanting your mom over me to see that; it took Barry wanting your mom over me for me to see that. I owe your mother my entire life. I just wanted you to know that; to know what a special person she was.”
“I miss her so much,” I sobbed. And there it was. Damn it.
“If you were my daughter, I would come and hold you in my arms. I don’t know what to do with you Mikki. Should I leave you alone?”
“Yes, please. Just keep Pea occupied for a couple minutes. I’m fine. I’m okay. I’m glad you told me. I’m happy my mother made you see how special your family was. I just need a minute,” I explained with my back to her. I didn’t want her to see the tears. Ugh. I was a mess. Where the hell did this come from?
“Okay, take your time.”
I turned to the door when I heard it click. And another door closes. Now I had to make sure the next one opened. I had a pretty good idea what I had to do, but I needed a plan. A plan that would have the end results without me in them. A plan that would leave Pea and Blake happy. That’s what I needed. That’s the miracle plan I desired. The door I needed to open.
Two
That goodbye made history for sad goodbyes. Sarah was the one trying to keep it together. I hugged her and thanked her for all that she’d done for us and I promised she’d see Pea in a few days and then Blake rushed us out. I felt horrible for her. She just found Pea and she felt like she was losing her already. I wasn’t going to let that happen, I would find a way for her to be a part of Pea’s life. She had to. Pea needed her as much as Sarah needed her.
“Larry!” Pea yelled, leaping over the back seat. Larry hugged her tight with a big smile.
“Mikki,” he nodded with the same smile.
“Hi Larry, thanks for doing this.”
“Ah, it was nothing. I’d do anything for you girls.”
“Let’s pretend like we’re famous and we just had a movie and all these people are chasing us because they all want my auto, auto, my signature!” Pea called right before she flipped over the back seat.
“Autograph. The word’s autograph,” I clarified. Blake’s eyes met mine when we both took an arm, thinking the same thing. We lifted her a little and I crossed the seatbelt over her body between us. Our fingers purposely met and mine lingered with his.
“Step on it!” Pea yelled to the driver. Of course we all laughed and of course the slew of reporters followed us to the, to the, to the, AIRPORT?
“Blake, we’re not flying. Why can’t we drive?”
“I want to fly,” Pea exclaimed, giving her perspective on the situation. Of course she did.
I felt Blake’s fingers in the back of my hair, right at the base of my neck. Gah! I swear the man could touch me with his elbow and my body would react. “That makes no sense, Makayla. Why would we drive for fifteen hours when we can fly it in two?”
“I hate it. You know that, right?”
“But you’ll do it and we’ll be on the ground before you know it, right?”
“How about you and Pea fly and I’ll meet you there tomorrow?” Blake laughed. I wasn’t trying to be funny. “Larry will go with me, we’ll make it a road-trip. What do you say, Larry? You in?” Larry laughed too.
“Sorry, Mikki. I’m only here because I’m off today. I don’t think Mrs. Defray would go for that.”
“You’re flying,” Blake ordered, clutching the back of my neck with a comforting squeeze. Jesus. We needed to have sex. The tension was too much.
Everything I was feeling before was left on the ground. How could I think about dying of the disease in my body when I was about to die from a plane crash? Nothing else mattered. The anxiety in my chest and the nerves jumping out of my skin left little room for any other apprehensions.
“Blake, seriously. I can’t do this. I hate it. I hate it enough to where it’s going to make me sick. Please don’t make me do this.”
My feet planted firm on the pavement. Sort of. They didn’t stay. Blake’s pull made me either walk or fall flat on my face. Pea was half way up the steps, yelling for us to run from paparazzi. I looked back once, but I don’t know why. I knew the press had been stopped at the gate. They were still hot on our tail to her. I did smile once when Pea stopped at the top, turned and blew the imaginary crowd three kisses, tossing them to the wind with a fling of her arm. Crazy kid.
“You lived in a national forest with wild animals for three days, I swear that was more dangerous than this is. You’re fine. We’re not going to crash.”
My feet stepped two steps and I turned back; right into Blake’s chest. He held my arms and kissed me, forcing me to step up another step, backwards. “I thought you said you loved me,” I pouted, kissing him again and again.
Blake kissed me again, “I am so in love with you. You have no idea how in love with you I am.”
“Then don’t make me do this. Please. I’m begging you. You don’t understand Blake, I can’t fly.”
“I’m going to hold your hand and kiss your lips the entire time. Promise.”
“You can’t kiss me in front of Pea.”
“Yes I can. Turn around and get on the plane.”
“I’m going to have a panic attack.”
“Mikki—”
“I really do hate you.”
Blake had to persuade my body with a gentle push. My feet moved, but not out of compliance. I hated this. I hated it more than anything on earth. I don’t know why, I just did. It scared the hell out of me. Pea of course didn’t care; she was looking out of the small window yelling for the pilot to step on it now. The paparazzi were in spaceships and were going to catch us. The closing of the door sealed my death. I’d be falling to the earth from thirty thousand feet soon.
“I swear to God nothing is going to happen to you.”
“Other than I’m going to die from a panic attack.”
“I’m not going to let you do that. Sit. Why are you so afraid of flying?”
“I just hate it.” I did hate it. I wasn’t trying to be overzealous about it, it was the truth. “Pea buckle up,” I called to her; she was still searching out the window for whoever was going to chase us all the way to Tennessee. Blake sat right beside me on the white leather seats and took my hand. Pea sat across from us and buckled her seatbelt. I hated the takeoff, that was the worst part. Well so was the landing, and the turbulence, and the noises. UGH I hated flying. Blake held my hand tight while we taxied to the runway, gaining more and more speed until the nose of the plane was in the air. Oh shit.
“You’re fine. We’re fine,” Blake coaxed, letting me squeeze his hand. Once we were leveled off in the air I relaxed a little. Pea took off her belt and moved over to the sofa to watch Wreck It Ralph.
/>
“You can watch the movie with me, Mikki.” Her legs stretched out and her hands went above her head. She was taking this movie serious.
“Where am I going to sit?” I teased with a shaky voice. Pea giggled and offered to let me lay beside her. “No, I’m not moving from this spot,” I assured her.
“I’d hate to see my hand when you go through labor,” Blake said shaking his hand from the strength I didn’t know I had.
“Wait until we land,” I warned. We weren’t going to go there. Blake and I wouldn’t be sharing anymore kids, Pea was it for us. This was as close as it was going to get. That made me sad. I begged my mother for a sister for years, she didn’t want anymore. She always said that we were a pair, not a threesome.
“Let’s talk about something to get your mind off of it,” Blake offered, rubbing my straight, stiff arm. I was never going to relax, not until I was on the ground. Ugh. I hated this. Looking out the window I couldn’t see anything but clouds; the earth was gone, replaced with fluffy white vapors.
“Let’s not. How about a pen. Let’s do that.”
“No, tell me something.”
“Like what?”
“Hey, Dad,” Pea called from the other side of us, “can we open a window and pour some Skittles in the clouds?”
“No we can’t open the window.”
“Why not? I want it to rain Skittles.”
“What do you say to stuff like that?” Blake asked. He was serious and it was cute as hell.
My eyes glanced to Blake’s hand covering mine, “Ask her where she’s getting Skittles.”
“Okay, show me your Skittles.”
Pea slid her hand in her pocket and pulled a half pack of Skittles from her pocket. I laughed. “Now what, smarty pants?”
“I swear I didn’t know she had them.”
“How do we open the window?” she asked, forgetting about Wreck it Ralph.
I explained to Pea why we couldn’t open the window, “The plane is pressurized for the high altitudes. There’s not enough air and it’s freezing.”
“Oh, why are you holding my dad’s hand? Are you going to get married?”