My mom had a way of slapping you across the face with truths that you never knew were true. “This has nothing to do with the theater. This is about Janie Lynn.”
“What? No it’s not. It’s about you expecting me to move from my home, and selling my dad’s life.”
“Is it? Because that’s not what I see.” My eyes followed my mom closely while she picked up my Linkin Park concert tee. She snapped it in the air and continued to fold the laundry on the kitchen table. “I think you are afraid of snapping that strand.”
“Huh?”
“You know exactly what I am talking about. Janie has moved on and you can’t stand it. If Janie stops coming to the theater then that’s it, you won’t be able to see her anymore.”
“That’s not it.”
“Let her go, Blake. She deserves more than this. Let her find herself.”
“I can’t.”
“You have to, Blake. Go to school, get your degree. You know as well as I do that you don’t want the theater. You want to chase the corporate ladder, and that’s ok. If that’s what makes you happy. You know as well as I do your dad would want someone to have it that loved it as much as he did. You don’t.”
“But Janie does.”
“Exactly my point, Blakey.”
“Stop calling me that! I don’t know how to move on without her. I don’t want to.”
“I know it’s hard. We all go through it at least once.”
“Did you? Get your heart broke?”
“Yes, the day we buried him. It’s always been your dad.”
“I wish we could be thirteen again. I wish Janie would get me in trouble again. This sucks.”
“I know it does. You’ll get through it, I promise. You’re not even out of high school yet. You’re going to fall in love and give me a half a dozen little grandbabies.”
“Like hell I am.”
My mom and I both laughed, and I knew she was right.
Once those papers were signed the theater was no longer ours. Janie would have no reason at all to talk to me. My plan to show her I didn’t need her was falling apart. She didn’t care. She only wanted to move on without me. She was ruining it all. We had a life planned.
Even before the theater closed, she wouldn’t give me the time of day, but at least I saw her. That was better than after it closed. I did my best to take Holden’s advice and kept myself busy. I learned the accounting department like the back of my hand; I stayed up until my eyes couldn’t take it, learning how the company paid out and what was paid in. Although it helped and I loved working for Holden, it wasn’t the same. I missed her more every day. It never got better. Ever.
One Friday night I was hanging with some guys from school, drinking a few beers and listening to music. It wasn’t like a party or anything, no girls, just a few guys hanging out in Jerome’s garage.
Getting drunk was the worst thing ever and I swore it off every time I did it. It intensified how much I missed her. God I just wanted Janie. I would have given anything in the world to have her back.
Blake: Hey, wanna skip school with me?
I wasn’t expecting a reply. Good thing. I didn’t get one.
“Hey, I’m going to take off guys,” I said, standing from my perched positon on an upside-down bucket.
“You okay to drive?”
“Yeah, I only drank two. I’ll drink the rest at home. Catch you later, losers.”
“See ya, man.”
I carried my twelve pack under my arm and walked to my car. Oh wait. I had a five pack. That meant I probably shouldn’t get behind the wheel.
I was drunk.
Fuck it.
I had nothing to lose, unlike my dad, who had something to lose, I had nothing. What did it matter? I didn’t have an issue with driving. I drove just fine. I just didn’t drive home. Not to my home.
I could tell she was home, that made me feel a little better. I parked along the curb and watched her window change colors. The room was dark, but the television was on. Paying close attention to the window, I sent her a text
Blake: I’m right outside your window.
Sure enough, the curtain moved and I waited. After a few short minutes Janie opened the front door in a long shirt. She glared my way and stomped barefoot my way. God, she was beautiful.
“Are you crazy?” she yelled.
“Get in.”
“No. What are you doing here?”
“What are you doing here? It’s not even nine o’clock. Your boyfriend too cheap to take you out?”
“What do you want?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Please sit down for a minute.”
“Blake, you have to stop this.”
“Please get in. You’re standing on the street half naked.”
“I have shorts underneath, jealous boy, who has no right to be jealous.” I smiled a nostalgic smile and watched her walk around the front of my car.
“Okay. I’m here. What do you want?”
“You.”
“Blake, please, stop. I need you to let me go.”
“I don’t believe that. Did you fuck him?”
“Oh my God. I’m leaving.”
“It’s a legitimate question. I think I have a right to know.”
“Do you? Have you been with anyone over the last seventeen days?”
“It’s eighteen.”
“Not until midnight. Have you?”
I took a deep breath and finger drummed the bottom of the steering wheel, “Yes.”
“Yeah, I kind of figured as much. Farrah’s friend, Lesley told her.”
“I don’t even know who Lesley is and I hate that chick. Stop hanging with her.”
“No. Don’t you want to know about me fucking Ryan now? Wasn’t that the deal? You tell me? I’ll tell you? Don’t you want to know how I sit in his lap and rock my hips back and forth on his—”
“Stop. Just stop Janie. I’m fucking sorry. I’m sorry I did any of that stuff. You’re fucking treating me like I committed a murder. Your punishment doesn’t fit the crime. I hate this. I hate you not talking to me. Where is he tonight, huh? You think he’s sitting around thinking about you like I do? He doesn’t. He wants you for your dad. Open your fucking eyes!”
“Actually he did ask me to go out with him tonight. He was going to a frat party, thank you very much.”
“Why are you here? Daddy don’t like you dating a college boy?”
“My dad trusts Ryan more than you right now. Your dad fucking died in a car stupidly driving while drunk. You smell like a beer bottle.”
“Then why are you here?”
“I had cramps, not that it’s any of your business.”
“Can’t we fix this, Janie? Can’t we at least try?”
“You show up here drunk and you want me to try? We both already know that we don’t want the same things out of life. Go climb the ladder. I just want to play music.”
“I want that too. I’ll give you all the babies you want. Please, baby.”
“Don’t call me that,” she snorted, “it’s over, Blake. Please move on.”
“I don’t believe that. I don’t believe for a second that you really believe that.”
“I do, Blake. Let me go.”
Janie didn’t stop me when I turned and kissed her lips. She didn’t pucker, but she didn’t stop me either. It was just a short, sweet kiss, but enough to make me hate myself more. I missed kissing her.
“Your lips are hot. You okay?”
“Yeah, I went to the doctor. He put me on antibiotics.”
“For what? What’s wrong with you?”
“Strep.”
“And you just kissed me?” I teased. Janie smiled a sad smile and I wished with all my heart I could make this better.
“Technically, you kissed me.”
“You know I love you, right?”
“I know, Blake. I love you too, but I think we both have a lot of growing up to do before we make any more plans.”
&nbs
p; “I guess you’re right, but I’m still going to marry you, and I’m still going to be a dick to Ryan.”
“You’re driving my dad crazy. I heard him telling my mom how you are dissecting his company, piece by piece.”
“Yeah, but ask him how much money I’ve saved him already.”
“Oh, he knows. I heard him tell her all about it. He’s proud of you, but he’s worried. So am I.”
“Why? I’m fine.”
“You’re drinking and driving, Blake.”
“Well it didn’t sound that stupid in my head. It sounds stupid now that you had to go and say it out loud.”
“Call your mom to come and get you.”
“No. I’m fine, but I do promise not to do it again.”
“Whatever, I’ll see ya round.” Janie leaned in to kiss me and I moved my lips toward hers. “Call your mom,” she said, speaking warm words to my lips. Just when I thought she was going to kiss me she pulled my keys and jumped out. I called after her, but she wouldn’t stop. I could either call my mom or make a scene and wake Holden. I didn’t want either one of those alternatives.
I was still asleep the following morning when Holden beat on my window and gave me my keys.
“Go home, Blake.”
Fourteen
“Why do I feel like you’re about to tell me you want to stop?” I questioned. Blake tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and I wondered if Barry was my mom’s someone. The one like Janie was to Blake and Blake to me. Did she love him that hard? It made me hate him more. He took that from her; he broke her and kept her from ever seeking it out again.
“Because I am. You amaze me. This is art. Maybe you should do tattoos.”
“Can I write on your chest?”
“Um, sure.”
Blake kissed me when he pulled his shirt over his head. Just above his heart I wrote in the same fancy lettering, JLH, just over his beating heart.
“Janie Lynn Holden,” he said, touching it with his fingers.
“No. Janie lives here.”
Blake smiled a crooked smile and held both of my hands. “She does, doesn’t she?”
“Yes, and that’s okay. She can live there, but you have to make you happy. Nobody, not even Pea, can do that for you. That’s all on you. You can’t blame your dad or Janie anymore. It’s life. It happened.”
“Why are you smarter than me? I’m older. I’m supposed to be giving you advice.”
“I want to hear it, Blake.”
“Okay, but not tonight.”
“You procrastinated a lot, next time you’re getting right to the point. I don’t want to hear about puke- face Ryan or bitch-face Farrah. I want to hear about you and Janie.”
“Why? You already know, Mikki. You know the ending.”
“Do I?”
“Let’s go to bed.”
I was sure Blake was sleeping for real this time and it didn’t take me long to doze off either. With my back against Blake’s chest, and my hand on Pea’s back, I felt better. I felt an understanding from my mom, and why she kept me from seeing that college assignment. She didn’t want me to see how much she loved Barry, but that left me wanting more. I was going to have to talk to him again. Sigh.
“Mikki?”
“Mikki?”
“Mikki?”
“Hmmm, what Pea?” I mumbled, trying to open my eyes.
“I don’t want you to sleep anymore.”
I made a screeching noise with a stretch and yawned, “What time is it?”
“I don’t know; I’m four.”
I turned my head to Blake’s empty pillow and searched for my phone. It was nowhere to be found. Not until I found it on Pea’s window seat later on. “You can read the time on the microwave.”
“I forget what an eight looks like.”
“Like this,” I explained, drawing the number in the palm of her hand. “What do you want to do today?”
“Ride in a wheelchair.”
“Come on, crazy. I have to pee.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Okay, give me a minute. Do you want to swim in the pool today? Maybe we should go next door and introduce ourselves to the neighbors. I saw a swing-set across the road. I bet there’s a little girl for you to play with.”
“No. It’s a boy. I did stick my tongue out at him in the window.”
“What window?”
“In Grandma Grace’s car.”
“What’d you do that for? That wasn’t nice. Maybe he wanted to be your friend and play with you.”
“Yeah, well he’s a boy, soooo.”
Where did little kids get that?
“What do you want to eat?” I asked.
“You pee a lot.”
“I have been sleeping. You pee a lot when you wake up too. Go in your room and look for my phone, will you?”
“Okay.” Pea ran off and tramped up the steps. She sounded more like a herd of elephants than one small little girl.
“You want oatmeal?” I called up to her. She held the rail and descended the stairs, always leading with her right foot.
“Yeah. Then can we go ride a wheelchair?”
Oh my God! “Pea, we can’t just go ride a wheelchair, where do you suggest we do that at?”
“The hospital, silly.”
“Of course. We can’t do that.”
“Yes we can.”
Looking at the nine-thirty time, I poured the last of the milk in Pea’s circus cup, and ignored her.
“I want chocolate.”
“I don’t have any yet, we’ll have to go to the store before daddy gets home. Go write it on the list.”
“I don’t know how to spell it.”
“I’m going to tell you.”
Pea’s oatmeal was cooling on the island before she was done spelling the nine letter word. It stretched clear across the paper and finished with the T and the backwards E curling around the edge of the page.
Pea and I got dressed and called Grace. I couldn’t even get milk. I didn’t have a stupid car. Grace wasn’t home either. She was with Sarah, shopping for Pea’s birthday present. Great.
“Hello.”
“Hey, can you bring me the car? Maybe Barry can follow you. We don’t have any milk.”
“Can’t I just bring it home?”
“Yeah, I guess so. We need another car.”
“In your name?”
“Excuse me?”
“Nothing. Never mind. I’ve got to go, Makayla. I’ll bring milk.”
“Okay.” What the hell did that mean? In my name? “We are SOL, we have no car,” I explained to Pea.
“Welp, let’s go walk.”
“You want to go for a walk? Okay. That sounds like a good idea. Maybe you can play with the neighbor boy.”
“Maybe I can’t.”
I laughed and helped Pea tie her shoes. This was the perfect neighborhood for walking. The lawns were all well-kept, and everyone was so friendly.
“Want me to tell you a story?” Pea asked, picking up a stick.
Not really… “Sure.”
“Okay, this is a story about a girl that lived in a circus.” My ears half listened while my eyes landed on the opened garage on the corner.
“Hold up, Pea. You can tell me in a minute. Come on.”
“Come where? We don’t know these people.”
“Stay right here. Don’t move.”
“Why?”
“Just do it. Stay,” I ordered her bewildered face with a straight finger. I left her standing halfway up the sidewalk while I knocked on the door.
“Hi, can I help you?”
“This is going to sound really, really crazy but I was wondering if I could borrow your wheelchair for a little bit.”
“Excuse me?”
“See,” I snickered, “told you it was going to sound crazy. Do you see that little girl right there?” I asked, looking back at Pea staring at me like I had dragon a tail, “she has been driving me crazy wanting to ride in a wheelchair. I’m not su
re why; I don’t know why she comes up with half the stuff she does.”
“I have a granddaughter about her age,” the lady smiled, wiping her hands on a dishtowel, “Lacey plays with that thing all the time when she’s here. I broke my leg a few years back and needed it for a bit. Help yourself, just put it back when you’re done.”
“Thank you so much. You just made her day.”
“You’re welcome. It makes my day, to make her day.”
I thanked her again and went to fetch my bewildered Pea. “Okay, let’s go.”
“What was that all about?”
“Are you okay? You look like you’re limping a little. Did you hurt yourself?”
“No. I don’t think so. I didn’t fall down.”
“Oh, too bad. You have to have a boo boo to ride in a wheelchair.”
Pea fell to the ground and grabbed her knee. I busted a gut and scooped her up.
“Mikki, we’re going to go to jail,” she worried when I sat her in the chair.
“No we’re not. I asked. She’s letting you borrow.”
“For real?” she asked, grabbing the wheels.
“Yup, but we have to put it back when we’re done.”
“Don’t touch it. I can do it by myself.”
“Okay, go right. No. Right. That’s left,” I said, when she turned back the way we’d come.Pea and I held the chair hostage for two hours. I posted a picture of her on Blake’s wall and worried; he never wrote back. Then I stopped worrying, he was working. He didn’t have time to surf Facebook for my silly little pictures. Regardless, I stopped thinking about it and spent the day with Pea. Once we were finished pretending to be injured, we went swimming and had a picnic in the yard. I knew she was minutes away from a nap when she crawled onto my lap when I sat in a chair by the pool.
“Do you want to go lay down in the tent? It’s hot out here.”
“No, I’m not tired,” she assured me dropping her head to my chest. I shook my head and got comfortable. If she only knew how heavy she was when she was a dead weight she wouldn’t make me carry her. She jabbered about putting gold fish in the pool, and I refrained from telling her they would die. She would insist we try it. I hit the on button on my phone and sighed, still nothing from Blake. Things felt okay, but not okay. Why couldn’t I just call him? Or text him a sexy or funny message? Why did it have to be that way?