I swiped through photos of my happy life while Pea slept on my lap. My screen ended up on my contacts when I almost dropped my phone. I didn’t even think about. My thumb hit the button and I brought to my ear.
“Hello, Mikki. I was just thinking about you.”
“Can you come over here?”
“Now? Is everything okay?”
“I have questions. Did you know my mom was in love with you?”
I waited for the pause, looking to see if he’d hung up. “I’m about fifteen minutes away. I’ll be right over.”
I carried Pea inside and laid her inside the tent on top of her sleeping bag and went upstairs to get the photo album. I wanted him to see what I saw; I wanted Barry to know what he put my mother through. Sliding the box from the closet, one of the flaps caught on the carpet and they all fell out. Great. I began picking up the photos when I saw my mom’s laptop. My heart beat fast like it was now off limits or something, I felt like she was going to yell at me for playing with her laptop. I unzipped the plastic bag it was in and removed the cord. It powered right up and I smiled as I waited for windows to open. It was slow, but eventually it opened to a photo of my mom and me, playing a video game at the hospital during one of her stays. It was Crash Bandicoot. I was an expert. If I wasn’t doing homework or creating art up and down my right arm, I was playing that stupid game.
I laughed at some of the documents in the folder titled ‘Mikki School Work’. I skimmed the report about sharks and watched a slide show I produced for a commercial I had to create. It was for a laundry soap. Happy tears filled my eyes when I watched my mother take the bandana from her head and wash it in the soap, when she reached in the bucket and pulled it back out, it was a long flowing wig.
God I missed her.
Hearing her laughter mixed with my giggles was music to my ears. She was very sick that day, but she got off the couch and let me film her using the magic soap. The wig was her idea. As soon as we had all of the footage, she was crashed on the couch again. I swiped a tear and opened a folder titled ‘Saved emails’. I tilted my head when I saw an email to Sarah:
Sarah,
I know that sorry can never fix what I did to you, but that is all I have. You have no idea how much I miss you guys. I know you feel like I was your friend and I betrayed you. I swear it wasn’t like that. You and I didn’t become close until the end. I used the way you treated your husband and child as a means to make it okay in my mind. I’m not saying that in a bad way. I’m just saying your priorities were in the resort, not your family. You brushing Janie off to deal with the electrician, the wine list, the new décor, or whatever else there was to do around there. I justified my feelings for your husband and your child by using your lack of caring.
I do wish you and Barry the best and I hope Janie continues to show you how special she is, and you both continue to see it. I know I was wrong and if I could take it back I would. I know you don’t want to hear this, Sarah, but I loved him. I still love him. I think we all got tangled in a mess of emotions, and I think Barry was looking for something that he wasn’t getting at home. I wasn’t looking for anything but a job. I found an off limit love and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall in love with him. That being said, that’s all I can do. I’ve asked for your forgiveness and I’ve forgiven myself. I’m sure you’re aware that I have been trying to get ahold of Barry. It wasn’t to win him back. I am about to give birth to his daughter. Literally any day now. I’m three days over my due date. I will make this my last attempt to reach him. I don’t want anything. I’m fine and she will be fine, but I wanted to let him know. What he chooses to do from here on out is up to him.
Victoria Carlie
Why did people I thought I loved keep turning into people I didn’t want to be associated with? I didn’t want to talk to Barry anymore; I wanted to talk to Sarah. Every time I thought I had it figured out, I was hit again. Sarah knew about me, she hid it from Barry. I hated her. She could have told him. I could have known Janie.
I swiped the tear and ran to the doorbell. Anger filled my body with every inward breath. I inhaled rage and exhaled wrath.
“She knew! Sarah knew about me from the beginning!” I yelled, making sure I wasn’t being loud enough to wake Pea.
“Come out here, Makayla,” Barry said in a quiet, exhausted tone. He looked tired, like he’d aged since the first time I met him. I wiped both my hands down my eyes like Pea would wipe away her tears and sat on the concrete step.
“My mom told her. She sent her an email before I was even born. Why didn’t you call her back?”
“I was afraid to.”
“Why? What do you mean?”
“I was afraid of not being able to let her go. I loved her too, Mikki. I loved her a lot and it broke my heart to let her go.”
“But you wouldn’t have had Sarah told you. She knew, Barry. Doesn’t that infuriate you?”
“Not at all. It wouldn’t have mattered back then, Makayla. Your mom saved my marriage. Had it not been for her always interfering with the way we raised our daughter, I don’t know where we would be. We were busy trying to make it, chasing the dream. I was in love with your mom, but thanks to your mom, I was in love with my wife, maybe for the first time. Your mom did that by meddling in my life. She drove me insane. Every time I turned around Janie was in jeans. You know what kind of establishment I run. I like a tight ship, everything fits. Janie and Victoria running around in jeans and tees with dumb sayings didn’t fit in.”
“Tell me how it happened. When did the affair begin?”
“About a month after she was there.”
“Tell me.”
Barry took a deep breath and placed my hand in his. My eyes shifted to his and back to his hands sandwiching mine. “The place was a mess. The hotel was open, but there was construction going on everywhere. Your mom and Janie hung out mostly in the building next door. It was once a French restaurant and we bought it with the resort. We kept the old dining room going while the adjacent one was being remodeled. Your mom and Janie lived over there.”
“Because they left a piano,” I said, directing it more as a statement than a question.
“Yes. Your mom came to find us one evening to drag me over there to hear Janie play. Sarah was up to her eyeballs in paperwork trying to get a rush on a permit or something. Anyway, I was busy too. Your mother stood with her arms crossed and watched me talk to a couple guests. I glared at her over their shoulders and she crossed her arms and tapped her foot. When I finally asked her what the hell she was doing, she took my hand and led me through the construction zone. It didn’t matter how much I protested. She had something to show me.
“I gave her hell again when I saw Janie sitting on the piano bench wearing jeans turned up a couple cuffs, and no shoes. I was rambling on and on about her attire and the mess where she could step on something. She told me to shut the hell up. Nobody told me to shut the hell up.”
That made me smile. Go mom.
“I shut up when Janie played the first note. I stopped breathing while I watched her close her eyes and feel something I’d never seen before. My daughter was the next Chopin. I was awe struck. She was a natural. I stared at your mom standing behind her wearing a smile. Our eyes locked until the last note. I think that’s when it started. Right there in plain sight. I did love her Mikki, but I loved my family more. Don’t hate Sarah for not telling me. I wouldn’t have gone to her then, I don’t even know if I would have taken care of you financially then. It was a different time in my life and I was in love with my family.”
“She made you do stuff. Like, with Janie?”
“Yes, but Sarah wasn’t on board. Sarah would get pissed and we would have screaming matches about running off to an aquarium while there was so much work to be done. My day ended at five every evening; hers’ continued to go until late at night. She wasn’t interested in playing hide and seek in the construction zone, going to the zoo, or going out in a boat. There was work to be done.”<
br />
“When did she change? Not Sarah, my mom, the relationship. When did it become more?”
“I went up to the penthouse one night to find Sarah gone; she was still in the office working. I knew Janie was in her room so I went to fetch her. Your mom answered the door in a towel and, well, you know how it is. There was a pull toward her that I couldn’t control. I wanted her. All of her. Everything from her body, to her free personality. I don’t think your mother was capable of anything but happiness. I don’t think she could be angry at anyone.”
“She could and she was. She was angry at you.”
“I’m sorry, Mikki.”
I stared at a tiny little pebble stuck between the sidewalk cracks. “Barry?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t you think it’s crazy, I mean, my mom and Janie both dying of cancer?”
“It is, but your mom had breast cancer, right?”
“My mom had everything cancer. It spread like a slow moving wildfire until there was nothing left, but yeah, she did have breast cancer. Where did Janie’s start?”
“Blake hasn’t talked to you about this?”
“Unfortunately, no. Blake doesn’t talk about Janie. I mean, he is more now with Pea, and he shows her photos now, but he hasn’t told me about it.”
“It was hard on him. They were broken up when she found out.”
“Barry?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you help me get a car?”
“Don’t you want Blake to help you with that?”
“No. He’s too busy right now. I want to do it on my own, but I don’t really know what I’m doing.”
“Let me buy it for you, Mikki.”
“You don’t have to do that. I have money. Blake paid me a salary before I took Pea and ran. I never spent much of it and it’s released now; it’s not frozen over the whole Ryan thing anymore. I can buy it.”
“You know you’re always going to be taken care of, don’t you? You’ll never want for anything again. I know that doesn’t make it okay now when you could have used it then, but it’s all I’ve got. I’m sorry, Makayla.”
“I believe you, but I still don’t want your money. If you have money set aside for me, donate it. Donate it to science and help them find a cure.”
“I do that every month,” he smiled.
I didn’t know how I felt about Sarah after that. I guess I wasn’t going to judge her, not until I talked to her anyway. I owed her that much.
“How about some lunch and a new car?” Barry asked, wearing a lighter expression. That may have been the moment the ice chipped away a little more. I knew he was in love with my mom too. I also knew he felt obligated to his family.
“We had lunch already.”
“Ice cream?”
“My mom lied to me, you know. She told me you had a summer fling, but it was more than that. You still saw her after she left, didn’t you?”
“Yes, I did. I tried for months to stay away from her, not to call her or send her an email, but I failed after a few hours. I flew her to Fiji for New Year’s and that’s the weekend she said goodbye.”
“Wait. She said goodbye?”
“Yes, she said goodbye. She told me that once we left there, we wouldn’t be seeing each other again. She never asked me to leave Sarah for her, not once. She told me to go home to my family and love them as hard as I could love them. She changed her number first and wouldn’t reply to my emails. I thought I was going to die. I thought my heart would stop beating, I missed her so much.”
“But then she found out she was pregnant and tried to call you.”
“Yeah, I guess so, but by then Sarah and I were doing okay. We were getting there and I was happy. I didn’t want to mess that up.”
“Yeah, I get that.”
Looking back to the door opening, I pulled Pea to my lap. “What’s wrong, baby?” I asked, wiping tears.
“I couldn’t find you. I thought you left.”
“I’m right here. I was just sitting here talking to your grandpa. He came to take us for ice cream and a new car.”
“A new car?”
“Yeah, so we don’t have to sit around the house anymore. We need our own car.”
“I want a red one. Hey, grandpa, guess what I did?” she asked, forgetting about the new car.
“What did you do?” Barry asked, beaming with pride.
“I rided, I rode in a wheelchair all the way down that sidewalk and that one too,” she explained pointing down the street. Oh the things that make her happy. I scooted Pea to the side and walked inside to retrieve our shoes while she busily told him about her very exciting day.
Had someone told me I would be spending one minute with Barry Holden, I would have called them a crazy liar. Never in my wildest imagination would I have thought I would be car shopping with Barry. It was okay and maybe that was a start. That was the day I forgave him and I wasn’t even so mad at Sarah anymore. It wasn’t my place to judge her; I have no clue what I would have done in that situation. I guess I would have done everything in my power to keep her away from my family too.
Barry wasn’t about to let me pay for that car. He had the whole dealership sucking up to me and Pea, catering to us like we were both princesses. We even got special treatment because the salesman was Grace’s second cousin or something like that. We did buy a red car, a red Ford Edge with heated leather seats and a television with Wi-Fi in the back for Pea. Had she had her way about it we would have been driving the little foreign convertible. She was sure her daddy already had this car. Barry was an American made kind of guy, and he was pretty insistent when he explained to the salesman that he wanted to buy American. He did however promise Pea a red convertible for her sixteenth birthday.
By the time we left Barry in our new car it was getting late and Pea was getting whiny. Buying a car was an all day job. It wasn’t like running in for a gallon of milk at all.
I tried to call Blake on my new car-phone, but he didn’t answer. ‘Busy, talk later’ was the response I got back in a text. I sighed a sad breath, but didn’t let it ruin my mood. Pea and I stopped at the store and then ordered pizza. The evening was beautiful, not hot and sticky like it had been. We ate pizza by the pool and enjoyed the cooling evening.
After our gourmet dinner by the pool, Pea and I cleaned up and went inside. We were in the middle of a game when Blake got home. I wasn’t expecting him before we were in bed. Blake opened the closest door to toss his shoes in and looked down.
“What are you doing?”
“Hiding, get in here.”
I pulled the bottom of Blake’s shirt and he sat in front of me. “Whose car is in our driveway?”
“Mine. Barry bought it for me.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, because I wanted a car. I hate being here with no car.” The dark closet kept me from seeing the expression on his face and I wondered if it matched the tone. Was he mad?
“Mikki! Come out, come out, wherever you are,” Pea called getting closer.
“Shhh,” I hissed.
“Daddy!” she called, seeing Blake when she found me hiding in the closet.
“Hey, Pea. How’s my girl?”
“Guess what I did?”
“What did you do?”
“You can get her in the tub if you want. I’m going to clean up the kitchen.” I offered, interrupting the wheelchair story again. Blake held Pea with her legs wrapped around his waist and stared at me. Yup, he was pissed. Whatever. I walked off, leaving him and Pea to the story I’d already heard four times now. No, five. She told the mailman about her wheelchair experience too.
I washed what little bit of dishes there were by hand before heading upstairs to shower myself. I stopped at the door of the downstairs bathroom and listened to Pea rambling on and on about the ice cream she had with sprinkles. Seeing Blake through the hinges I could tell he was distracted. He looked at her with a smile while she stirred more bubbles with her hands and feet. Things were
once again weird and I didn’t know why. Was the underlying problem still being avoided, or was this simply because I bought a car without him? Was that even something to be mad about? I would never figure this relationship stuff out. And they say women are complicated.
I used my laptop and busied myself while Blake chased Pea around the house with a foam thrower. I have no idea what it was; she called it a ball canon. The tube shot the soft ball out with a pump. Something she just had to have at the grocery store. At least things weren’t weird with her, that’s all that mattered, right?
The fun ended with Pea crying and Blake feeling guilty. He went to grab her around the waist and scratched clear across her belly with his watch. I moved my computer from my lap to the floor to tend to her, but then stopped. I slid it back and watched. Blake didn’t need me. Pea didn’t need me. He handled it just fine. With her laying inside the tent with a cool cloth over her wound, Blake read her a book and I turned my attention back to what I was concentrating on.
I frowned when I looked down at Barry’s number on my phone.
“Hello.”
“Do you want to go to school?”
“Excuse me?”
“School, you know, college. I don’t know why I never asked before. If you want to go, I’ll take care of it all. Blake tells me you’re quite an artist. Maybe you would like to take some classes once Pea goes to school?”
“Um, well this is random.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. It just dawned on me. You can think about it if you want.”
“I don’t want to do that, Barry, but thanks for thinking of me.”
“Well, if you change your mind.”
“Okay, yeah, sure. Can we talk later?”
“Okay, tell Pea goodnight for us.”
“I will.”
“Goodnight, Mikki.”
“Night, Barry.”
Well that was weird too. What the hell was up with all the weirdness all of a sudden?
“Barry, huh? You two best friends now?” Blake asked, standing from the tent. What the hell?”
“What?” I asked, not believing the attitude.