“Nothing. It doesn’t matter. She’s asleep. I’m going to shower.”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how to respond. Blake was a dick. A big dick. Whatever. I just needed to move ahead, get this birthday party over with, and continue with the plan.
On a normal day, Blake would have sat right beside me. He sat against the fireplace stone with his own laptop instead. Our eyes caught the glances of each other’s here and there, but neither of us spoke. I was the one to finally break the ice.
“I don’t know why you’re mad at me, Blake. How am I supposed to know anything if you’re just going to treat me like shit and ignore me?”
“I’m not treating you like shit, Makayla. That’s not my intention.”
“Then why are you mad at me?”
Blake closed his laptop and slid next to me, “The main thing I am mad at you right now for is that stupid car out there.”
“Why? I hate being here without a car.”
“I know, that’s why there was going to be a brand new one sitting in the driveway in twelve more days.”
“Crap. You didn’t buy it already, did you?”
“Yes, so now you have two identical Ford Edges. I wanted to surprise you for your birthday.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. You could have given me a hint.”
“I didn’t think I had to. I told Pea.”
“Did you tell her not to tell me?”
“Yes.”
“She told me,” I admitted, “she told me you bought me a red egg for my birthday.”
Blake snickered, and dropped his arm around me. “Edge, egg, same thing. What are you doing?”
“Trying to get my mom’s medical records, but I have to go through a million barriers to get to it.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. Curious, I guess. I want to know where the cancer was, where it started, just questions I need answers to.”
“She had breast cancer.”
“Yeah, I know, but she didn’t have a mastectomy until the second round of cancer. I don’t really know all the details; she sort of kept me in the dark about it. She didn’t want me to know. Now I want to know.”
“Why?”
“I’m just curious,” I lied. Blake knew it was a lie. He sighed and let his head bounce off the wall like he was disappointed. Like he was giving me every opportunity to come clean and I didn’t. Time and time again. I didn’t.
“Your grandmother died of cancer too, right?”
“Not really, she had skin cancer on her cheek. She died from complications during surgery; she had a reaction to the anesthesia, the cancer didn’t kill her. It wasn’t like it was with my mom. We weren’t even with her. My mom was going to pick me up from school when she got off work and we were going to pick her up. It wasn’t even an overnight surgery, she was supposed to be in and out. Tell me about Janie’s cancer. Tell me when you found out about it. I want to know. I need to know.”
“Why is it so important for you to hear that agony? It’s not pretty.”
“You don’t have to tell me how ugly cancer is. I changed my mother’s diapers, I know.”
Blake audibly breathed in and out, twice.
Fifteen
Once the theater was sold I didn’t see Janie anymore but I saw her puke-face-boyfriend every weekend. Barry just had to give him an internship. I never liked him from the first time I met him, and I knew he was up no good the moment I met him.
“You should probably move on, don’t you have a piano to play or something,” Ryan asked, walking into my office. Well, it wasn’t really mine, but Barry said I could use it. It used to be the copy room until they moved it. I liked pretending it was my office; I could even visualize the view outside my imaginary window. Someday. Someday I would be in that corner office, running my own resort. I just had to prove to Holden that I could do it.
“Go fuck yourself. What do you want? Get the fuck out of my office.”
“I don’t want anything, high school boy. I’ve already got it, and in case you’re too stupid to figure it out, this is a closet, not your office.”
“If you think for one minute Janie is going to choose you over me, you’re sadly mistaken. We have something you’ll never have.”
“What’s that? A childhood crush? I’m the one taking her for lunch in about ten more minutes, and if I recall my night last night, I’m pretty sure my cock was the one inside her last night, not yours.”
That was enough to send his body slamming into the hall. I punched him right in the mouth and then the gut. Once he was down, I beat the living hell out of the greasy bastard, until the then CEO pulled me off of him. Barry was there in three seconds, shoving me into his office.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he screamed, slamming the door behind him.
“Why can’t you see what a snake this guy is? He doesn’t love Janie, he’s after you and your money, not her.”
“Stop! This has gone on long enough and I want it to stop. As long as you get that degree, you always have a job here. You’ll go far here and you know it, but not like this. No more drinking and driving, no more beating the hell out of my employees and showing up at my house drunk. Stay away from Janie, stay the hell away from Ryan, and get your head out of your ass before you end up ruining your life. Enough is enough, Blake. Your dad would kick your ass if he saw the way you’ve been acting.”
“My dad didn’t give a fuck.”
“Your dad cared more than anyone I know. He screwed up and it cost him his life. Let it go, there is nothing you can do about it. Get your head out of your ass and straighten up before you lose more than Janie. Whether it be by intent or accident, we’ve all loved and lost someone, Blake. It’s an intrinsic human trait. You’re not the only one who has lost someone you can’t get back. Learning to forgive yourself for hurting others is what makes us human. We all make horrible mistakes that we can’t take back. Now you can either learn from that or let it consume you until you’re nothing more than a gutter rat, living on the streets with a bottle. That’s your choice.”
“Oh my God Blake, you hit him?”
“Janie?” I said, turning to the door being flung open in anger.
“This is not happening. I’m trying to run a business here. Does anyone here care about that one bit?” Holden’s arms went into the air in defeat while he walked over to the door, “What are you doing here, Janie?”
“You’re such an ass. Stay out— stay out of—”
“Janie? What’s wrong?”
“I need to sit down.”
“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Holden questioned. I helped guide her to the chair in front of Holden’s desk and she went limp. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head and her arms stiffened.
“Call 911!” Holden screamed. I wasn’t the one to do it. I couldn’t move. People ran to the door with all the commotion while I watched Janie being laid to the floor with her body flailing like a fish out of water. Ryan moved to her side, tilted her head and listened for a pulse. Everything was a fog. I could hear every frantic word being called out from every hysterical person in the room, but it was dream-like, like it was happening, but not really.
Riding shotgun behind the ambulance, Ryan was the hero once again. He called Sarah to meet us at the hospital from the back seat and I stared at the double doors in front of me, praying for God to let her be okay. Begging for forgiveness and pleading for him to let it be me and not her. Janie didn’t deserve it. Janie had never done anything to piss off Karma. Her heart was too big for that.
I don’t know how, but Sarah beat us to the hospital. Holden pulled the car right up to the door and jumped out too. “Park the car, Ryan,” he ordered.
“No, Blake can park the car. She’s my girlfriend.”
“Park the Goddamn car!” he yelled, staring down at his bloodied face and shirt. There was no way I was parking that car. No way in hell. I was going to Janie.
“I’m okay,” she smiled up at me when I
ran to her, before they rushed her away. Thank God I heard her voice before they took her. I would have gone mad. I did go mad. I was mad and I wanted Ryan to leave. He didn’t belong there. My mom was right behind us, hugging Sarah while she cried in her arms.
“What’s going on? What are they saying?” my mom questioned once Sarah was calmed down for the third time.
“Nothing yet. They think she had a seizure. She hasn’t been feeling good for the last couple weeks. She’s been on antibiotics for strep.”
“Maybe it’s just a reaction to the medication,” my mom hoped, rubbing the back of the tense muscles in my neck. God, please let it be that, I begged again.
“Mr. and Mrs. Holden?” a nurse called to the crowd.
I followed the same rush toward her as they did, but she wouldn’t let me come. I still had to wait.
Blake: Please tell me you’re okay. I am out here going crazy, waiting.
Janie: I’m fine, Blake. Don’t worry about me.
Blake: Thank God. Don’t you ever do that again.
Janie: I can’t talk. You’re getting me in trouble.
Blake: I love you! I love you! I love you!
Janie: Well since you love me…<3
It wasn’t an I love you too, but I would take it. At least a heart meant something. I didn’t see Ryan texting her, he was on the phone at the end of the hall.
“Blake, no. Not here. This isn’t the time,” my mother said, stopping me with a hand over my arm.
“I’m just going to talk to him. I won’t hit him again.”
“Let it go, Blake.”
“I can’t. He doesn’t belong here.”
“You’re not going down there. Leave it alone. This isn’t the time or the place for this. Janie is sick and she’s the only thing you need to be focusing your time on.”
“Okay, fine,” I retreated. Time stood still while we waited. Holden did come out and tell us that she was okay, but they were going to run some test. Hours passed while we waited for the tests. I just wanted to see her. Five minutes, that was it, I just needed to see for myself, to touch her, and know that she was okay. Nobody would let me. Why? What was going on that I couldn’t just pop in for five minutes?
I knew something was up as soon Holden walked out with Sarah crying in his arms.
“What’s going on?” I asked in a scared yet dominating tone. Somebody was going to tell me what the hell was going on. Now. My attempt to be heard, and in control was swiped away with the bat crushing my chest.
Holden looked to me and then to Ryan. I didn’t know what the look was on his face. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t like it. Something was wrong with Janie. “She wants to see Ryan,” he said sadly and walked away. I couldn’t breathe. My eyes watched Ryan’s smirking fat lip stroll toward me.
My shoulder jolted when his came in contact with mine. “You can go now,” he snidely remarked. He wasn’t there for Janie. He wouldn’t have been worried about getting one over on me if he was there for Janie. That’s all I cared about. I didn’t even want to punch the guy anymore. I wanted Janie. I wanted Janie to be okay.
Janie wanted Ryan.
Janie didn’t want me.
“Blake,” my mom called when I followed after him.
“I have to hear it for myself, mom. I have to. If she tells me she wants me to leave, I promise I will walk out of here with you and never bother her again, but don’t try to stop me. I’m going to her, I have to.” I pulled my arm from her grasp and walked right past the busy nurse.
Afraid of hitting the floor if I stood, I slid down the wall, squatted, and entwined my fingers. The florescent light above my head was the guided light I prayed to. I didn’t know if I could stand, hearing her talk to him like that. It should have been me, not him. I was the one that was supposed to go to her. I couldn’t believe she chose him, knowing I was out there scared out of my mind. I guess I loved her more than she loved me and that hurt. It hurt like a son of a bitch.
“Hey, how are you?”
“I’ll be okay. Thanks for coming.”
Give me a break. Thanks for coming? She would have never talked to me like that.
“Of course. A thousand horses couldn’t keep me away.”
“That’s sweet.”
You have got to be kidding me.
“Hey, listen. We need to talk.”
“We can talk later. You get better.”
“Yeah, I will, but we won’t be talking later, Ryan.”
“What do you mean? Sure we will. You’re just sick. Get better and we’ll take it from there.”
“Ryan, I don’t want to take anything from anywhere, not with you.”
“Let me guess, Blake?”
“Yes, it’s always been Blake and it always will.”
“Then what the hell was this?”
“Stupidity, experience, revenge, I don’t know, Ryan.”
“Why? What the hell does that idiot have that I don’t have? I mean look at my face. The guy’s an animal.”
“No, he was just protecting what was his, what’s always been his. Don’t worry about your job. My dad’s not like that. If you’re doing a good job, he’ll keep you on. He wouldn’t get rid of you because of me. Believe me, I know. I threatened to run away a hundred times and never talk to him again if he didn’t fire Blake.”
I smiled and raised my hands to the heavens above. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Chills covered my spine as I came to my feet and waited to go to her.
“Whatever, you’re about as mature as he is. Hope you feel better.”
Ryan stormed out and glared at my smile. “Hey, Ryan,” I called. His head snapped and he shot about a thousand daggers through my eyes. I smiled and offered him my manly hood with a few pumps.
“Fuck you.”
I spun and lost my smile when I saw her. “What’s wrong, baby?”
Janie clung to me and cried, heaving in and out against my neck. Tears threatened my own eyes with every sob. Something was wrong and I already knew without hearing it.
“You’re going to be okay, Janie, I swear you’re going to be okay. We have plans. We have a house to fill with ugly, fat babies.” It wasn’t working. My attempts to make her smile didn’t even stop the tears. “Janie, talk to me.”
“We’re not going to have babies, not even one. They want to take everything.”
“What is it?”
“They’re not a hundred percent sure yet, but it’s aggressive. They think it started in my liver.”
“You’re only seventeen, you can’t have cancer.”
“I do, Blake. I have cancer and I am never going to have your babies.”
“So what, we’ll adopt.”
“That’s not the same. I want to share that with you, I want to go through that with you like I have everything else. I want to make that little person from a part of you and a part of me. How cool would our kid be?”
“Pretty cool, but I want you more than some cool kid. We’re going to fight this and we’re going to have babies to love, I promise. You just promise me you’ll get better. Promise?” Janie nodded her head and swallowed.. “Say it. Say it, Janie. Say I promise I’ll get better, Blake. Say it.” My desperate need for her to make that promise was spoken like my life depended on it. It did.
“I promise, Blake.”
I didn’t leave Janie’s side for the next three days. , Unless they had her off doing more tests, I was right there by her side. Holden came and went and my mom and Sarah hung out most of the time too. She was scared, but she kept a positive attitude. I made her watch stupid movies and tried to make her laugh as much as possible. I didn’t give her a chance to be scared or sad.
Janie got to go home on the fourth day and against my will, I went home too. We had one month before she met with the specialist and our worlds would be thrown in the spin cycle. Five weeks to be exact. I was going to make that the best five weeks of her life. That is until I took her for another blood test and an ultrasound a couple days later. I was
sitting in the waiting room flipping through a magazine while she was in. That’s when I got the first crazy notion. My only problem was Ryan. I needed him.
I went to work for a while that Saturday and backed Ryan in a corner. He put his hands in the air like I was about to kick his ass again. “Dude, chill out, I’m not going to hit you. I need something. Remember how you were bragging about getting fake id’s? Can you really do that?”
“Why, do you really think I would do something for you?”
“No. I don’t want you to. I want you to do it for Janie.”
Once I laid it all out for him, it didn’t take a lot of convincing. Nobody could ever hate Janie, and even Ryan had a heart for her wellbeing and happiness. I took care of the rest.
Janie and I went back to school the next day and spent every other day either at her house or mine. She was still on antibiotics and most days you would never guess there was a thing wrong with her. She didn’t have a problem scaring the hell of me with the rubber snake on my car seat. I even knew what it was and I still screamed like a girl. She could scare the hell out of me for the rest of my life and I would be just fine with that.
Three days after that, I met Ryan in front of Zazen. He was still a rat, but he took my two hundred bucks and gave me my documents. Everything was the same, other than we were twenty one and not seventeen. Besides that, the legal documents were legit.
“Hey, Blake. I’ll talk to you later. I’m just walking in the building.”
“Stop.”
“Stop what?” Janie asked.
“Stop walking into the building and meet me on Harbor.”
“Harbor what? I don’t even know what that is. It doesn’t even matter, I have a test. I’ll meet you there after school. I’ll call you back.”
“Janie Lynn Holden, don’t you dare hang up on me. Meet me on Harbor; I’ve gotten lots of bad grades because you made me skip. You owe me.”
“Blake, is it really that important. It can’t wait?”
“I’ve had the appointment for a week.”
“Appointment?”
“There’s a little shopping center with a Starbucks. Meet me there.”
“I’m not getting a tattoo.”
I laughed and promised her I wasn’t taking her to get a tattoo.