"Okay." Watching her eyes fill up, I know she won't ever tell him.
Thinking of Tyler, I start to cry again from the pain and heartache, and from just missing him loving me.
Tyler always made me call as soon as I left work, and if he wasn't home before I was I had to text him the second I walked into our apartment. He was always concerned about me, especially at night, so he would've known something was happening when I didn't call him from my car. He would've known something was wrong and he would've saved me.
Leaning on my side, I don't hide my tears from Selena, I just get comfortable so the pain of my loneliness can take me away from this brutal reality.
*****
Waking again, I'm alone until a doctor and nurse begin speaking to me. Telling me about my injuries which are superficial though quite painful they acknowledge, I'm told what to expect and what I'll feel in the coming days and even weeks.
I'm told of my vaginal and anal tears which repulses and humiliates me to the point of sobbing uncontrollably until they stop speaking while I lose it. Then after my breakdown I'm told I've been given dissolvable stitches between my vagina and anus in my perineum and antibiotics to prevent any infection from setting in.
I'm told about the various stitches in my face, my black eye, the swelling everywhere and about the 3 stitches inside my mouth from my busted lip, which honestly, hurts like a bitch.
I'm told of the physical discomfort I'll be given medication for, and I'm told of my concussion and what I need to watch out for, including headaches, slurring, and more confusion.
After they're finished speaking my brain spins and turns over the events so clearly, I can still feel him inside my body. I start to freak out again thinking of his fingers, until I'm pulled out of my gross nightmare by the doctor who insists they need to take photographs of all my injuries. So standing with help, the nurse takes pictures of my naked body, front and back, concentrating on my face and mouth, and then she helps return me to my bed when my full body shivering becomes uncontrollable.
Once they leave my room when I have no further medical questions to ask I'm eventually introduced to a rape counsellor. I'm given additional reading material, phone numbers of an offsite free counseling clinic, and then I'm wished well when I ask the counsellor to leave me alone for a while so I can rest.
*****
Alone for maybe an hour, Selena walks back in my room with flowers and my favorite chocolate bar which makes me smile until I gasp when I feel my lips split back open.
Grimacing like she felt it herself, Selena tries to distract me with facts. "The police are outside and really need to speak with you now. I guess the doctors said you were much more coherent and able to speak about everything that happened, so they gave the police the go ahead. Um, do you want me to stay if they'll let me?"
Nodding, I whisper a desperate sounding, "Yes, please," as she sits down in the chair beside me. Taking my hand again we wait silently until the police enter.
After introductions are made, I tell them everything I remember. I explain what happened, how it was so quick I didn't have a chance to see him, but that I DID recognize his voice. I explain I know him, I just don't know how I know him.
Throughout they each ask questions or need clarification from time to time, but otherwise they stay fairly unmoved and dispassionate which I appreciate. Having no reaction from either allows me to graphically detail what was done to me, and finally what was said at the end about 'seeing me again soon,' in a voice I know I recognize.
After I tell them all I can, they ask me to explain my history, past and present lovers and who I've recently met or engaged with. I tell them about the 8 men- Keith in particular, and explain somehow, though I have no idea how and I'm not trying to make any false accusations, but somehow I feel like they're involved in what happened to me.
I can't explain further why I think that when I'm pressed by the police but some kind of knowledge or intuition is sitting strangely on my chest. I keep coming back to that group of men either from his voice or the warning itself, or maybe just because I saw 3 of them so recently, and all the others just the night before.
I don't know if it was his voice, or his hands, or what it was about him- but I know it was one of them who hurt me.
I think.
When I finally shut down after thinking myself in circles, the police tell me they'll search the garbage bins out back for the 2 business cards and Selena offers to have Hershal pull up the credit card and debit card receipts for the group of them.
Finally, I'm asked to walk through the last week of my life because something might jump out if I think of my week step by step. They ask me to try to remember if anything strange or unusual took place, or if any restaurant patrons gave me a particularly hard time recently.
They ask if I felt like I was being watched, or if I noticed anyone suspiciously around me, which I didn't. With the exception of Keith getting handsy with me, which I also tell them about, I can't think of one single thing that was off this week, except everything for me personally.
Thinking until my head nearly explodes, I explain what I did all week, which was study and work until Wednesday when my world imploded. Then I explain I haven't seen anyone outside of the restaurant, with the exception of Kyle, and Mike the night before.
Waiting out any more questions I'm sore and tired and desperate for them to leave. I know I have one more night in the hospital, and I really can't wait for it to begin. I want to take the pain meds and I want to sleep away all this pain and sadness.
"So, you slept with 3 men in 3 days, and you can't think of anyone who would want to hurt you?" The younger cop suddenly asks in such an accusatory tone I'm stunned. When my mouth falls open, I grab my bleeding mouth again and can't even reply I'm so shocked.
Selena does however.
Standing up she lays into him. "Three fucking days ago, she slept with her boyfriend of 4 years, who she lived with and had a committed relationship with, who she already told you was the only sexual partner she's ever had. Then the next day HE cheated on her in her own home," she spits at the cop. "And she was devastated but she had her final pre-fucking-law exam to write the next day."
"Pre-law?" He asks looking a little shocked himself.
"Yup. Saige isn't a fucking slut, and she isn't fucking stupid either!" Selena yells again. "Then she met up with her study partner Kyle and they studied most of the night until she crashed alone on his couch before their exam the following morning. And when that was done, because her piece of shit EX boyfriend refused to leave their apartment she had nowhere to go so she rented a motel. So that night Mike- her boss and good friend- the guy who stopped the assault in the parking lot from being any worse than it was last night- that Mike stayed at the motel with her On. The. Covers so she could finally sleep a little after the 2 horrible fucking days she suffered before. And then last night she was attacked, beaten up, and raped. So yes, she slept with or near 3 goddamn men for the last 3 nights, but it sure as fuck wasn't sexual, and even if it was HOW DARE YOU?!" Selena screams as we all seem frozen in place by her fury.
When the second officer tries to speak, she continues over him glaring at the asshole cop. "Have you ever heard of victim’s rights?! Well, let me explain something to you- even if Saige had fucked half the city this week alone, that doesn't mean a goddamn thing! It doesn't mean she caused this and it doesn't mean she deserved to be knocked out and raped in a fucking parking lot! I can NOT believe you just implied her actions caused this and I will definitely let your superiors know that you did!" Selena yells actually lifting her shaking hand to point at him she's so angry.
"I apologize," he breathes heavily. "I didn't mean to imply anything. She just didn't seem like the type to-"
"Okay! Enough," his older partner suddenly barks stopping him just as Selena is about to start yelling again. "Get out of here," he points to the door as his partner stares for the longest seconds of my life at me before moving for the door without spea
king.
When the door closes behind him there’s a collective exhale by all three of us before I burst into tears again by what he implied, what happened, what I'm feeling, and basically because I'm so fucking stressed out I can't do anything but cry at this point.
"I apologize. Deeply, Miss Masters. I will make a complaint myself and speak with our superiors about Officer Anderson's behavior, but please feel free to make your own complaint."
"She will," Selena snaps as the officer nods.
"Understood. Before I leave however, I need to know if there’s absolutely anything else you can remember. I know you've suffered a major conclusion and I know you're in a lot of pain so I won't keep you much longer. But I'd like to write down absolutely anything else you can think of while it’s still fresh in your mind." Gently patting my face with a tissue I don't know what to say as he waits. "Big or small. A scent, an accent, clothing, anything? I know you say you didn't see his face, but maybe you did for just a split second? Like when he ran away, or when he first attacked you at your car? Did you see his reflection in the window of your car? Anything?"
Thinking, my head starts shaking before I can voice the words. "I swear I didn't. Believe me I’d tell you."
"Oh, I believe you. I'm just giving you ideas to think about. Sometimes even visualizing what you were doing or thinking, like when you were walking to your car before you were attacked will produce a memory. We have so little to work with physically, I'm looking for anything more specific so we can find your assailant since he was apparently dressed in dark clothing with a hood." Shaking my head again, my headache is so intense it's hurting even my neck.
"Alright. I'll leave you today, but I'll be in touch with you tomorrow. I have your cell phone, and I understand you'll be staying with Mrs. Heart once you leave," he glances over as Selena nods. "Again, I apologize for my partner's behavior, and I will collaborate any complaint you'd like to file against him for his insensitivity and inappropriate comments."
Tearing up a little at his kindness, I whisper, 'Thank you,' as he nods and approaches me slowly.
Extending his hand, he says gently, "Take care of yourself Miss Masters. I've very sorry you were hurt last night but we're working very hard to find out who your assailant was. If you think of anything, or would like to discuss anything at all, you have my card. Mrs. Heart," he nods before leaving me and Selena alone in my room.
*****
When Detective Mathers leaves, Selena plops back down into the chair beside me and takes my hand again. Huffing a huge exhale, she smiles at me before resting her head on the side of my bed.
"Go home, Selena," I mumble out the side of my mouth. "Go get some sleep and go see Griffin."
"It's only 4:00. You'll go stir crazy and feel lonely if I leave too early. Trust me."
"I won't. I'm in so much pain, I want to take more drugs and sleep for a while. I'll be fine," I squeeze her hand back.
"Okay. Would you like me to call your mom?" Selena again nearly whispers so I won't lose it.
"God, no… my mother will freak out. I'm fine, I promise. Don't you have to work tomorrow?"
"No. Sheila’s covering for me, and Kelsey offered to work my Monday."
"But-"
"Look, Hershal is beside himself over this, but he's covered all your shifts for at least the next 2 weeks. He even covered Mike's shift tonight. I'm going home to Griffin, and my mom is watching him overnight tomorrow so you can settle in without the little monster hanging off you all night. I have to make sure you're okay and monitor the concussion the first night home especially the doctors told me. So I won't argue with you about calling your mom, but that means I get to mother you. Take it or leave it."
"Thank you. I'll definitely take it," I smile sadly thinking of my mom and all the shit that comes with her.
"Good. Now give me a hug goodbye and text Mike soon. He left the hospital to clean up, but he's been bugging me all day to give him updates and to know if you want to see him."
"I'll call him," I tear up a little. "It's just hard because of what he saw."
"It's really hard for him too, Saige. And he needs to physically see you're okay now, or at least that you're going to be okay."
Pushing down a little lower on my bed, I try to get comfortable and I try to ease all my aches so I can sleep. Really, I just want to rest so I don't have to think anymore today.
"I'll call him when I wake up, I promise."
Leaning in, Selena kisses my bandaged cheek before she leaves me alone.
*****
Once the door closes behind her I realize how lonely I suddenly feel. Nobody knows how I feel, and they can't imagine what I'm thinking. That police officer wasn't too far off base in his assumptions, though he may have worded his supposition wrong.
I did this to myself.
Not because I was slutty or because I asked for it. I did this because I wasn't strong enough to fight, and I wasn't smart enough to know better.
Crying, I know Alec would've understood what I'm feeling, and he would've seen me. Before he left, he was the only person in the world who saw me.
Alec was everything to me until he was nothing anymore.
And this is just like the dark loneliness I felt before.
I feel dirty and ruined.
I feel hollow and empty.
I feel disgusting and neglected.
I feel unnecessary and insignificant and just unworthy of everything around me.
Crying, my body feels as broken as my soul is right now.
And I'm all alone with this darkness.
Gagging on my newest reality, I didn’t realize there could be anything darker than the loneliness of being left behind.
But I was wrong.
Gasping my way through this storm, I know I loved with everything I had, but it wasn't enough for them.
I fought with everything I had, but it wasn't enough for me.
But I loved.
I loved Tyler until he held the same place in my heart as Alec did. Tyler may have been my boyfriend and lover, but I loved him as honestly as I loved my sweet brother.
I loved each of them but they're still gone by choice.
I am alone without either, and I feel my heart dying away without them here.
God, if my past has shown me anything it is this; I didn't love Alec and Tyler enough to keep them. And they didn't love me enough to stay.
CHAPTER 9
Joining Selena on her balcony with a glass of wine, I come clean once Griffin is down for his nap. "I've talked to Mike, and I'm starting back to work tomorrow. I-"
"But you-"
"Will work the day shift for the foreseeable future, 1-6, same as you. But I'll stay on the family side. I've also decided to rent the bachelor on the 3rd floor. Dennis agreed to let me rent it in 3 weeks, and he also agreed to let me terminate the lease at the beginning of September provided he has a tenant, which he doesn't think should be a problem."
Turning away from the sunlight, Selena really looks at me. "Are you sure? You really don't have to leave. Griffin loves you here, and I feel like I'm enjoying my mid-twenties like I didn't the first time around," she grins raising her glass of wine in a salute.
"I'm sure," I smile before lounging beside her in the sunshine. Listening to Alex Clare’s ‘Too Close’ I inhale the sun into my skin.
"You'll burn in like 2.3 minutes out here."
"I know. This damn coloring of mine is good for nothing but-"
"Looking sexy as hell? Looking vampy? Looking cute and demure? Looking however the hell you want to look depending on your make-up?"
"Pasty, I was going for," I deadpan as she bursts out laughing.
"Saige, I don't mean to be insensitive here, but your face still looks really bad. And people will know something happened at the restaurant as soon as you walk in."
"Selena..." I interrupt rolling my eyes dramatically. "I've seen what you do to Griffin's face at Halloween with make-up- are you saying you're not up to the c
hallenge?" I frown knowing she'll be totally on board if I mention make-up.
"I'm up to the challenge, brat."
Enjoying the sunshine before she leaves for work, I need her to understand what's going on with me. I need her to understand why I want to do this, and why I have to do this.
"I need to start doing something again. I'm all up in my head, and with the exam results being posted in a week I'm obsessing about what happened and what's going to happen. I can't sleep properly and I want to cry all the time. I'm a mess, Selena,"
"You're not a mess," she reaches over to squeeze my leg but I pull away quickly which kind of accidentally proves my point.
God, I remember her face when I had a shower the day we returned to her apartment from the hospital. I remember exiting the bathroom wrapped in a towel, thinking about nothing but the relief of finally feeling clean after I was attacked until she moaned, oh god... staring at my thigh.
I remember yelling what as I jumped back in the bathroom to the mirror, then I remember the shock I felt seeing the absolutely perfect black hand print bruise on my thigh. I remember dropping my towel, completely oblivious to the fact that Selena stood there crying silently while I inspected my naked body beside her.
I remember looking myself over, turning this way and that, shocked over and over again at all the bruises and scrapes. But it was the perfect, deeply indented, long finger shadowed black bruises on my hip and my thigh that made me lose my mind.
In a moment of complete disassociation, I lifted my own hand to the bruise on my hip and watched as the black shadow surrounded my own small fingers like they were being crushed. Forever, I stood there staring at my pale skin, broken and blackened, unable to look away, and unable to feel anything.