I was in a catatonic shock until I was suddenly covered in the towel and yanked out of my headfuck by Selena's arms holding me tightly.
But I still stared.
Over her shoulder I saw my huge lips cracked and broken, my black right eye with the stitches under and over my eye. I also saw the pale shock of the woman in the mirror who could no longer cry.
I saw the dark bruises, bloody scrapes, and the nasty dark stitches around my eye and across my right cheek. I saw it all, but it was with someone else's eyes.
And now I never see myself the same as the woman I was before everything changed for me 11 days ago.
"What are you thinking?" Selena asks quietly as I turn to her teary eyes.
"Nothing. Everything, I guess. I wonder if I'll ever be able to be touched again by anyone but my Griffin," I smile thinking of her sweet little boy. "I'm thinking about how my whole life is totally different than it was less than 2 weeks ago which still shocks me. I can't believe it's been 11 days since everything changed and I changed, and my whole life changed so completely."
"Yes."
"But I don't even cry anymore."
"Maybe you should?"
"Why? I know the expression crying doesn't solve anything, but I never realized how true it was until I was in the hospital. Yes, there may be a temporary release of physiological or emotional stress and pressure or something, but there are other ways to gain that same release. There are other things I can do. Crying may be a temporary release, but it really doesn't do or accomplish anything long term. Tyler still left me. And I was still attacked whether I cry or not. So why bother?"
"Because you've been through a lot and-"
"I should continue doing what I'm doing? Which is nothing really. This whole week I sat in your living room when you and Griffin were here, and I sat in your living room when Griffin was at your Mom's, or with Dave when you were at work. I took pain meds and I sat lifeless.
"I just sat here waiting for the police to tell me something, which they can't because there isn't anything to tell. They have no leads, and with my innocent past as Detective Mathers calls it, they want to say it must’ve been random, though they know that doesn’t makes sense either because I recognized his voice. So I'm scared to leave your apartment in case I'm attacked again but I'm scared when I'm just sitting here in case someone breaks in to attack me. When Dave drops off Griffin I meet him in the hallway because I'm afraid to be in your apartment alone with him though I know he's like family and would never hurt me," I make sure she understands.
"Anyway, I'm afraid to see Mike in case he hugs me because just the thought of anyone touching me right now freaks me out. Oh, and I feel like my intelligence is fading away along with my rest of my life because I can't stop obsessing over what I did wrong with Tyler, what I did wrong with Alec, what I did wrong that night, and-"
Grabbing my leg past my startled flinch, Selena lays into me. "Jesus, Saige. It's only been a week and a half. Give yourself a fucking break, would ya? You had your heart broken and you were physically and sexually assaulted 9 days ago. Most women carry the pain of either of those situations for months, or years, or even a goddamn lifetime. But you had both within 2 days of each other. You lost your home, your boyfriend, and your physical security within days of each other less than 2. Weeks. Ago," she glares at me. “Never mind all the physical pain you’ve been dealing with along with all the mental shit.”
Nodding, I know what she's saying, but I also know if I don't snap myself out of this depression now, I never will. I barely survived Alec, closing myself right off to any emotion at all until 2 years later when I met Tyler and opened myself up to love again.
But here I am suddenly, 4 years later feeling the same loss, multiplied by my own sense of fear and humiliation, and I'm fading away before my own eyes.
"Tyler has been calling my cell," she says annoyed with him, and again I appreciate and cherish her loyalty.
"I figured he would after I changed my cell number."
"He knows what happened, kiddo. He knows because the police asked him where he was that night. Then he went to D'Vecseys and someone on staff told him what happened to you. And apparently he freaked out and Hershal had to ask him to leave when he refused to give Tyler my address."
"I don't care. I'm not talking to him. What happened to me after doesn't change what happened to us before."
"I agree, and I've told him as much. But he's quite persistent that he talks to you."
"It doesn't matter."
"Okay. But you do still need to get in there to pack up your things." Exhaling, I dread going there but know I have to eventually. "Mike and Dave have both offered to help, and I'll be there so between the 4 of us we can get all your stuff out in one day, okay? I'll even arrange it with Tyler so he's not there."
"Thank you. I guess I better do it soon so his whore can officially move in," I cringe again.
God, I hate her. Which is totally unfair I know. Logically, I know she's just the other woman in this horrible break-up. I know in my head Tyler is actually the bastard here, but I loved him so much it's easier to hate her for all this. It's easier to hate her, but it doesn't actually lessen the hurt I feel from Tyler's betrayal any.
Clearing my head, I change the subject. "What else do I need to know?"
"Um, Kyle’s calling because he was also asked his whereabouts that night or if he could think of anyone from school who might want to hurt you. He called Mike who confirmed what Kyle knew anyway from Tyler and he desperately wants to talk to you as well. Oh, and Kelsey called."
"Really?" That one is a surprise.
"Yeah... I think she was both scared by what happened to you at work, and maybe feeling a little guilty because she's always been jealous of you and Mike."
"Really?" I ask again as I try to figure out why.
"Yup. It’s that classic attention-seeking bitch thing. You had the boyfriend, you’re going places, you're beautiful, you have me," she smirks, "and Mike loves you. As a friend," she quickly adds when my head turns back to her. "Anyway, she probably wanted bad things to happen to you, but wasn't prepared to feel so guilty when they actually did happen to you."
Exhaling a nearly silent wow, I need to know, "How do you know that?"
"Because before Griffin was born I was a classic attention-seeking bitch," she says laughing.
"I doubt it," I grin unable to imagine Selena a bitch for even a second.
"No, I totally was," she pushes. "Ask Dave. He may be the prick now, but I was the bitch first. The only difference is I changed and grew up when Griffin came along, and Dave didn't. He wasn't always an asshole though- I kind of made him like that," she sighs.
No longer speaking, I watch Selena finish her drink, and shake her head a little as she takes in the memories of her own past.
After forever, Selena again asks, "What are you thinking?"
Lifting my face to the sun I'm already feeling my skin turning pink which makes the cuts sting a little. "Why do you always ask me that?"
Grinning, she replies, "Cuz I'm a nosey bitch. And if I don't ask, you never tell me. You rarely cry, and you never spill your guts if you’re not drunk or if I don’t make you."
Laughing a little, I turn my head back to her and reach for her hand. When she does the same, we stare at each other silently.
Loving Selena and Griffin is the only love I'm ever going to give again. And I figure it’s well placed. She's so beautiful and kind and loving not just with me, but really to everyone I've ever seen her interact with.
"I'm never going to love anyone but you and Griffin again," I sigh. Almost tearing up, I fight the sadness until it passes. "I'm done, Selena. My love didn't serve my brother well, and it didn't serve Tyler at all."
Shaking her head she practically moans, "You're too young to think like that, Saige. Things change from one day to the next, and you never know what'll happen for you. You might meet the man of your dreams, or the father of your children in a year from
now, or next month, or even tomorrow," she continues trying to persuade me from my fatalistic thoughts.
"I really don't think so. I know what I'm destined to do, and I'll do it. But that doesn't mean I have to ever give my love to anyone again." Admitting that truth is hard, but I know without a doubt I will never love again.
"So what will you do?" She whispers so sadly, I feel the tears threatening me again.
"I'll rent the bachelor downstairs, and go back to work. I’ll keep fighting this physical pain and sadness, and I’ll wait for September to arrive so I can start fresh in a new city, unknown and unhurt."
Sitting up, she blocks the sun from me when she leans closer to my face. "Saige, you're always going to be hurt, no matter what you do or accomplish. You've been hurt in a way that never goes away."
"It doesn't matter."
"It does matter," she insists.
"Okay, then I'll make it NOT matter anymore. Starting tomorrow."
Standing to walk back inside, Selena gently touches my shoulder and says only, "You're making a mistake letting this stop you from living or loving again, Saige."
Squeezing her hand on my shoulder I disagree without having to say it. Selena knows I'm stubborn, and I know I'm right.
So I'll start again tomorrow.
*****
After a restless night of fear and nervousness I'm ready for work. Selena helped me cake on make-up to hide the residual bruising around my eyes and cheek, and my lips are still puffy but they no longer bleed if I pull them when speaking.
The stitches above and below my eye are now a weird beige color from the foundation, and though Selena is worried the make-up might somehow cause an infection, I don't care.
I hate the dark medical sutures that were used, and honestly, I find it a little weird there isn't a less obvious alternative the hospital could've used on my goddamn face.
Taking a last look, I realize from a distance you really can't see anything specifically though my face is definitely still swollen and misshapen because the scratches and injuries haven't healed enough.
Taking in my nonstandard uniform of black dress pants and a long sweater over my tuxedo blouse, I'm as secure as I can be. My clothing isn't the standard uniform, but it's the best I can do emotionally. I won't wear another skirt for easy access, and I need the long sweater to cover up my body.
Looking at myself one last time before we leave, I know no matter how bad it looks my face doesn't actually tell anyone what happened which is exactly what I want to project to others. I figure if I ignore what happened, they will too.
*****
Walking in together, Selena sets out for the employee lounge with our things and I walk to the family side so I won't be cornered by anyone in the back.
Our shifts begin and end the same time so I don't have to walk in or out of the building alone which was a major fear I couldn't admit to anyone. Selena drove so I don't have to walk to my car in the back parking lot when we finish. And Selena also parked at the side lighted alley, so I don't have to fight my nightmare memories by walking my previous steps from that night in the dark.
Barely acknowledging anyone but Mike with a smile and thumbs up, I look at the boards, see Kelsey hostessing, Hailey and Aileen in the family side and I begin with Hailey and my casual trade off of Diners.
And my day passes.
People clearly see my face but no one asks. My clothing hides the bruises on my body, and truthfully, I play the part of a car accident victim in my head. I have the lie ready and available if anyone does ask outside of my fellow employees, but thankfully no one does.
I know the Diners see my face and want to know what happened. I even have a few repeat customers blatantly stare, looking at me like they're wondering if they know me well enough to ask. Fairing on the side of caution though, no one asks and I ignore the questioning eyes, extra sympathy tips, and the pauses in conversation when I approach.
I ignore what happened because it’s in the past.
But I am careful.
I no longer joke or smile with men, and I watch myself walking past their tables. I didn't ever really flirt before but I was friendly, which can be misinterpreted as flirting by some. So I've cut it out completely.
I'm not going to be touched by men, and I'm going to make sure I avoid their attention as much as possible. I don't engage in conversations, but I stay polite if it’s required.
By 5:00, I'm exhausted and my feet hurt so badly, I almost laugh. After only 10 days off work, it's like my trained feet have turned wimpy. My right shoulder which I didn't realize actually hurt before, has changed from a mild discomfort last week to an actual throb as the hours pass without painkillers. And I’m tired.
Laughing at Aileen who's drooling over a man in her section, I find it a relief I can still joke and laugh a little with the girls like I used to. Besides seeing Mike bringing drinks into the dining room much more frequently than usual, and Selena standing in the galley between sides to sneak peeks at me with encouraging waves or smiles, nothing seems too different for me or unnerving and frightening right now.
It isn't dark outside, I'm surrounded by people, and no one gets close enough for me to fear them physically.
Today has actually been fairly uneventful. We were slow this afternoon and its finally picking up as the dinner crowd begins seating. I may not trade off easily at 6:00 but I really don't mind. Selena and I were just going home to Griffin returning at 7:30, and a movie night later after he's put to bed.
*****
Once home, cracking open a bottle of strawberry Zinfandel, I pour both of us a glass and toast my first day back to work. Feeling the one stitch that didn't completely dissolve in my mouth between my lip and the wineglass, I ignore how annoying it is to suck back my drink.
Moaning when I lift my aching feet on her coffee table, Selena follows suit and before I know it I actually feel somewhat, if not happy, at least not completely unhappy.
No one bothered me at work, and I wasn't attacked afterward. There were no creepers or bogeymen, and I'm safely locked away for the night with my best friend, a bottle of wine, and soon my little Griffin, who always makes me feel better... Unless he's making me watch back to back episodes of the super annoying, oh my god I HATE this show, Bubble Guppies on the kids network.
Feeling myself almost instantly buzzed, Selena laughs at what a light weight I am drinking and before I know what's happened, I'm covered in a blanket, snuggling with Griffin, watching Bubble friggin Guppies with him asleep in my arms happily.
I'm still sad- horribly sad actually, but I can already tell my heart is mending a little sooner than my body is.
I think of Tyler nonstop, but it's not quite as painful as it was even a week ago. Thinking of Tyler is becoming almost soothing, now that I'm remembering all our good times, which was all the time before our tragic ending.
Feeling the tears fall down my cheeks once Selena takes Griffin away for bed, I realize my mistake immediately. I'm drunk and lonely, which is turning Tyler into an awesome boyfriend I miss, instead of the asshole boyfriend who hurt me.
Crying softly in the dark, I lie down on my temporary bed- Selena's couch, and ask Tyler what I desperately want to know.
Whispering to take away the intensity of my loneliness I ask him, "Did you ever really love me?"
But when I'm surrounded by more lonely silence, I know I have the only answer that matters anymore.
Silence.
the present
CHAPTER 10
Walking into work with Selena, I feel a little less frightened than the day before, though I’m still nervous. It’s like I'm afraid something's going to happen, I'm just not afraid of what already happened as much.
Actually, I can't understand what I'm feeling because my emotions are still all over the place from one moment to the next.
Entering the employee lounge with Selena, I've decided I'm not going to avoid my coworkers today. If they ask how I am I'll tell them because I doubt the
y'd ask anything more specific than that anyway.
Wearing a work skirt because my black dress pants were dirtied yesterday, I still cover my upper body in my long sweater. Admittedly, wrapping a huge sweater around myself makes me feel a little less female, and covering up makes me feel a little more comfortable in my body.
Checking my ugly beige makeup one last time, Selena glances over my shoulder. "It's getting so much better," she says about my face. "I already see the stitches over your eye dissolving, and the ones under will be removed on Thursday anyway. So, not too bad."
"But the bruises-"
"Are fading. The cuts are almost completely gone, and with the makeup on your eye it looks like it has dark bags under it, not really bruises anymore. You look more tired now than beat up, Saige," she cringes like that sentence was hard for her to say.
"Okay," I smile to relieve her while placing my purse in my locker before turning back to the mirror.
It's funny, but I was never vain before. I didn't wear much makeup other than mascara and lipstick, but now I seem to stare at myself constantly.
Days used to go by with my long hair tied up in a bun, or tied back in a ponytail with only mascara on my light eyelashes. Tyler never had to wait for me to get ready when we went out because I was pretty much a what you see is what you get kind of woman. I never wore much makeup unless we were going out out and I really did it up.
Now however, I'm always looking at myself, fixing what I can, and hiding what I can't. I'm turning into a woman obsessed with looking in the mirror, and I hate it. But I can't stop myself while I look and feel like this.
Turning from the mirror, I walk to the doors and beg, "Selena? Will you pull that one stitch out of the inside of my lip tonight? It's really annoying and it hasn’t dissolved on its own."
"Ah, no problem," she agrees looking totally grossed out as I laugh leaving the employee lounge with her following.