"I'm on my way. 15 minutes, tops. Are you okay?"
"No. See you then," I smile so Malcolm doesn't know I'm freaking out.
Completely caught off guard by his question I wasn't prepared for all the fear and insecurity, or just the ugliness of that night to hit me. I wasn't thinking of that night and I wasn't prepared for it to suddenly smack me in the face again.
But now I'm thinking about it with this huge guy standing over me and I feel so small and insignificant again. I feel like someone could hurt me now, and though maybe not Malcolm, it doesn't seem to matter. The fear is always inside me and now it's surfacing as well.
"Are you okay?" He asks in a soothing voice that doesn't work this time. "I'm sorry I upset you. That wasn't my intention," he leans a little closer to me.
Stepping away from his big everything a little, I want to get away from him. Looking at the others around us, I want to run away from this place so badly I start physically shaking trying to calm the mental overload of memories I'm suddenly remembering.
"Would you leave me alone now?" I whisper afraid he'll say no but afraid he'll say yes. I don't want to be alone right now, but I don't want to talk to him either.
"Why don't we stand out front together? I'll just wait for Selena to arrive and then I'll leave you alone."
"No. I c-can't go outside when it’s d-dark," I panic shaking. Shit!
Trying to stay calm, I'm shivering, and panicking, and basically I look like an idiot. I'm still so afraid of outside I can't stop my reaction. I keep feeling that night again. And though tonight it’s only starting to darken, I feel like its closing in on me too quickly to get away from it.
"Saige, listen to me," Malcolm says softly. "I'm going to hug you and-"
"No!" Looking around, I panic thinking others can hear and see me freaking out. Raising my hands out front of my body I'm trying to protect myself but I know it's no use again. I know I can't fight Malcolm if he wants to hurt me. “Please don’t hurt me,” I beg confused.
"Saige, I'm going to warm you only. Look, honey, look at my arms. They're open so you can lean into me. I won't touch you at all, but you can hug me." Still speaking in a calm quiet voice, Malcolm is huge, but he seems sincere. "Lean into my body for a little warmth only. You need to get the chill out of your skin so the panic goes away."
Standing still with his arms open, I look up at his nice Scottish blue eyes and he still doesn't move. Not smiling, he has his intense, like craggy face on, but his arms are still wide open in the cafe, looking very weird to anyone else watching us I’m sure.
"Go on... You hug me for some warmth," he whispers again waiting until I suddenly move.
Leaning into Malcolm slowly, I wrap my arms around the inside of his jacket and suffer a full body shiver as I make contact with his warm chest. Feeling Malcolm slowly lower his arms to his sides, he doesn't hug me back like he said he wouldn't, and I'm so relieved my tears start before I can stop them.
And he's just so warm.
Getting closer, I find myself hugging him around his middle as I cry out the last few weeks of my life.
Crying out the pain, the sadness, and the constant fear I didn't realize keeps me constantly mentally aware and always on guard, I shudder. Leaning against his huge body, I suddenly let go of everything.
Bursting into tears, I wish I was embarrassed, but I don't have the ability to feel it right now. I wish I had the strength to walk away and apologize for my behavior, but I can't.
I'm warm, and I'm not afraid for this one moment in time.
When another shudder takes over my whole body, I cry a little more wrapped around his huge body. Listening to his heart pound against my ear, he still isn't moving and he isn't hugging me back like he promised. Exhaling another shudder I suddenly realize I do feel a little better.
But I still can't pull away from his warmth.
When I feel Malcolm move a little like maybe he's shaking his head, I snuggle in deeper until all the everything scary goes away right now. I know it'll come back and I know this is just a temporary reprieve from all the shit in my head, but I need it right now.
For just these few minutes I want to be calm and unafraid.
"Saige...?" Malcolm whispers snapping me out of my calm warmth. "Selena's here waiting for you."
"Already?" I ask breathing in his scent and his warmth for just a second longer before I slowly pull away.
"Aye," he grins, transforming his face once again from stern to handsome. "Can I walk you to her?"
"Thank you," I shake my head pulling out of his warmth. Standing a foot back, I see the couple beside our table is different, and turning quickly to the front I notice the sky is no longer dusky but dark. Selena is sitting at a raised table close to the door with a coffee, and everything feels so strange, I look back at Malcolm confused.
"I didn't realize."
"I didn't care," he whispers back.
"How long did we stand there?"
"Awhile," he flashes a quick grin.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. Why don't you get home now and I'll follow to make sure you're alright. Then maybe you'll call me tonight?"
"Okay."
Turning back to a waiting Selena, she hops from her chair and gulps the last of her coffee. She even extends her hand like I'm a child, which is both offensive and humiliating.
"I'm not a little kid," I snap closer to her but close enough for Malcolm to hear walking behind me.
"I don't think you're a little kid," Selena says defensively. "I just wanted to hold your hand, Saige."
"Oh... sorry." Turning back to Malcolm, I say all I can. "Thank you for the coffee. Um, sorry I lost it a little back there. I didn't mean to be-"
"Scared?"
"Yes," I huff.
"I don't care about scared, Saige. I'm just happy you weren't afraid of me. Will you call me tonight?"
"Yes," I nod.
"Okay then. Let's go." Smiling at Selena, Malcolm leans around the 2 of us and walks to the doors to hold them wide open for us. Waiting, he stands there until Selena takes my hand pulling me for the doors.
On the sidewalk, I have one moment of night fear quickly replaced by the beeping of Selena's car right out front with her 4-ways flashing.
"Have a good night ladies," Malcolm waits until we both climb in before he jogs around the side of the building to the parking lot.
"What happened?" Selena asks with concern shutting off the radio.
"I freaked out when he wanted to ask me a question about that night."
Turning her head to me, she asks, "He didn't?"
"He did. But not in a bad way. Not like specific details or anything but it didn't matter. I lost it and started shaking and panicking, then I was crying and he just let me hug him until I was warm. He didn't touch me at all," I choke up feeling such relief, almost like the shit in my head is cleared out right now. "He was really nice. And warm..." I hear myself whisper to her silence.
"He's also right behind us," she smiles looking in the rearview mirror as I turn to see his SUV only a few feet behind Selena's little civic.
"He told me it’s not stalking if he tells me about it. Um, because he's not being sneaky, it’s just blatantly following," I actually laugh a little when she does.
"Huh. He's got a good point. And I really like this guy," she tacks on.
Finding myself nodding as well, I really do like this guy. Malcolm seems so patient and nonthreatening for being the most menacing looking man I've ever personally known. There's just something about him, almost a quiet calm to him I really like. There’s a comfort he projects not just because he seems like the type who could keep me safe, but because he seems like the type who wants me to be safe.
*****
Sitting in Selena's room for my quick call, I dial nervously.
"Hello?" His deep voice breathes like a warm caress. Inhaling deeply, I attempt to speak but he does it for me. "Saige?"
"Yes. Hi."
"Hi, yourself
. Are you all settled in for the night?"
"Yes." Pausing forever, it's both uncomfortable and kind of nice. He's just waiting, breathing in the phone calmly, and I'm calmed again.
"Thank you for your patience tonight. I'm sure I seemed like a freak to you."
"You didn’t seem like a freak. You were a woman taking a moment to calm down when you were afraid." That’s exactly what I was doing, but I didn't think he'd understand that at all. "Are you okay?" Malcolm asks and I don't know what to say.
Thinking of Malcolm in the cafe with me all my embarrassment and fear quickly resurfaces but when he stays quiet waiting for me to speak everything is replaced again with calm. I feel like I should say something or do something so he understands this isn't really me, or wasn't me before everything happened.
"I was a boring student and totally normal 3 weeks ago, and I think that's why Tyler cheated on me." Flinching quickly, I try to cover up how pathetic I sound. "You wouldn't even recognize me if you had met me before that night."
"It’s okay, Saige. I'm not judging you and I don't think there's anything wrong with you after what you've been through."
Like he's looking right into my mind, I'm left overwhelmed by his kind words, and I’m feeling pretty transparent with this guy suddenly. "I'm not a freak at all in my real life, I promise." God, just saying that makes me feel exactly like a freak.
"This IS your real life now, Saige. This has happened to you, so you need to accept it and keep handling it as best as you can." Picturing his smile, he whispers in his soft brogue, "An fer wha it's worth, I think yer a fine wee lass."
With a quick grin I whisper back, "Thank you," just as Selena stands in the doorway to check up on me.
"I should go. I, ah-"
"What's the rest of your week like? When are you working?"
"Um, tomorrow. Then I have Wednesday off but I have to do something all day."
"Are you working Thursday?"
"Yes, until 6."
"Can we try coffee again? Just coffee."
"I guess," I agree sounding almost pained.
"You really have to stop exhaling like I'm leading you to the gallows, Saige. You're gonna give me a complex," he laughs. Grinning, I apologize again. "I'll see you at 6 on Thursday?"
"Okay. Um, good night, and thank you again, Malcolm. You've been very nice to me."
"It's my pleasure, Saige. Good night," he says before hanging up.
Holding my cell in my hand, I look at Selena grinning and smile myself. "We're having coffee again on Thursday."
"Sounds good. And I'd like you to know I think Malcolm is awesome. And he's hot as hell," she adds surprising me.
"I don't think of him like that. He's just a nice guy to maybe get to know a little. A friend like Mike is."
"Uh huh. So you haven't noticed when he's not growly serious, he looks like Gerard Butler?"
"Really? No, I haven't." Gerard Butler? Oh, I guess kind of. He's bigger but he has the whole dark hair, Scottish blue eyed thing going for him, and when he smiles he does look totally different. "I didn't notice, but I guess," I look at her grinning again.
"He's fucking huge, and good looking, and I've never met someone so intense and caring about a woman he just met before in my life. It's nice to see for you."
"Tyler was like that," I defend.
Actually laughing at me Selena argues, "Ah, no he wasn't. He loved you, yes, but he was always a little too comfortable with you. Like willing to be cared for, or have everything cared for. Tyler was a bum, Saige."
Absolutely shocked she would say that, I'm about to tell her off when she continues over my outrage. "You paid for everything, did everything, and he sat back and let you. Don't get me wrong, you weren't a doormat or anything, but you had to lead and parent your entire relationship because Tyler wouldn't. Or maybe couldn't."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did. But not in a bad way, just in the Tyler/Saige way. So it's nice for me to see a man wanting to be there for you now."
"Tyler and I weren't like that. And Malcolm and I won't be like that. He's just a friend, Selena. A nice friend to have right now with everything else going on. And it really doesn't matter anyway, I'm leaving in 4 months."
Looking almost sad Selena whines, "I don't want you to move away."
"I'll always come back to visit. I love Griffin way too much to stay away from him," I tease.
"I'm making dinner, come help?"
"Sure."
"Oh, and I cleared Wednesday morning with the bum," she adds to my growl. "He promises he won't be around all day, and I told him we'd be there by 7:30 to start packing and moving out your stuff. I basically had to threaten him, but he promised he and his skank wouldn't come back before 4 in the afternoon."
CHAPTER 15
"You owe me for this," Selena whines driving the U-Haul van we rented. "It's like 7:00 in the morning and I slept like shit. By the way, you mumble nonstop when you sleep," she turns to me with such a look of disgust I find myself grinning. "And the teeth grinding? You sounded like a sheep being sheared or something," she huffs which makes me burst out laughing.
"Sorry. Its stress," I admit which stops her growling at me. "I'm always way worse when I'm stressed out, at least according to Tyler."
"Well, if we ever sleep together again, I'm drugging your ass. Does that work?" Huh, I have no idea.
"If it helps, I slept like shit too, and now I feel almost hungover or something."
"That does help," she laughs like a bitch.
Pulling in front of my old apartment, I'm nervous Tyler or Kaitlyn will be there. I'm nervous about seeing my old home and my things like they're all tainted now. I don't know, but absolutely everything feels different here.
"Ha! Right out front," Selena smacks the steering wheel pulling into the empty spot by the front walkway.
Grabbing our coffee, I just jump down when Mike surprises me beside the truck. "Mornin'."
"Hey. Thanks for coming."
"No problem. Mornin' Selena," he grins knowing like I do Selena is NOT a morning person.
"Ugh... Don't be all chipper. Saige kept me up all night mumbling," she says as Mike laughs at me knowing about the mumbling too. "And my coffee hasn't kicked in yet," she grumps pulling out the bags of tape, markers, and garbage bags I bought for my clothes.
At the door to my old apartment, I knock before entering. I'm scared Kaitlyn is here and I'm not in the mood to open a door to a naked bitch sleeping in my bed, which of course is all I'm imagining.
When I open the door, thankfully my old apartment still looks the same. I don't know what I thought would be different exactly, other than red lighting, porn on the TV, and lingerie all over the place. But besides that, I really had no expectations.
Dumping the coffees, bag, and a bundle of boxes on the kitchen table I don't know where to start. "Would you look in the bedroom in case she's a heavy sleeper?" I laugh awkwardly as Selena walks past me.
"Nope. Coast is clear. Where do you want to start?"
"The living room I guess. Almost everything is mine, especially the bookcases and books. And the knickknacks are all mine." Looking around I don't know what I do first because I don't actually want some of this crap though it’s mine.
"Okay we'll start here and work our way to the kitchen?" Nodding, Mike and I start making boxes while Selena empties the book cases.
“Everything but economics,” I confirm as she nods.
After packing my books and crap from the wall unit, I stop to look at a picture of Tyler and me on vacation in Mexico 2 years ago. Holding the picture up it’s from our first hour on the beach and I'm wearing a green bikini Tyler bought me. I'm not really a bikini kind of girl, but he insisted I wear it, and I'll admit I felt good in it when he looked at me.
"You look hot in a bikini," Mike says over my shoulder as I quickly hide the picture against my chest. Actually opening the back of the frame, I take out the picture so Tyler doesn't have it anymore before putting th
e empty frame back on the shelf.
Grabbing another picture of us at Christmas last year I pull it from the frame as well. Tossing the pictures in a box marked miscellaneous, I don’t give into the memories, and I force myself to quickly move on.
Working our way to the kitchen, once again I realize almost everything is mine, or at least was bought by me.
Turning toward the living room I watch Malcolm suddenly walk in and simply freeze. Shaking hands with Mike, Malcolm looks at me with his cute smile as I smile back at him.
"I came to help," he says walking toward me.
"How did you know? Don't you have to work?"
"Selena told me last night on the phone. But don't be mad at her, she just thought you could use a little extra help moving the furniture so I took the day off. No big deal," he shrugs.
"I didn't mean for you to have to help."
"It’s not a problem," he says as Selena rounds the kitchen wall. "Hey," he smiles at her.
"Hey yourself, big guy. So I need you to put all those big muscles to work. All the furniture’s going," she says before I even have a say.
"No, it's not."
"Yes, it is. It’s all yours."
"Selena, I'm not coming in here to gut the place."
"Why not? You paid for everything, so why should he get to keep it?"
"I agree," Malcolm adds and I can't stop the dirty look I give him which he only grins at.
"I'm not walking out of here leaving Tyler with nothing. I may have paid for everything but the kitchen set, but it looks really spiteful if I leave him nothing in the living room but a blanket to sit on."
Bursting out laughing, she grins, "It'll serve him right. And we'll leave him 2 chairs from the kitchenette and half the table," she says making me actually laugh at the thought of cutting the table in half.
"I'll take the couch, chair and my book cases, but I'm not taking any other furniture. Period."
"What about your bedroom set?" She asks and I'm saddened instantly.