"Why do you do it?!"
"None of your fucking business!" I scream at him and silence instantly.
Catching my breath I see my hands on the table and my posture leaning toward his face. I'm seething but he's just calmly watching me. He isn't reacting or fighting back, and I don't know what to do with all this shit around us.
"Thank you for dinner, but I'm leaving," I push my chair back turning for the kitchen sliding glass doors.
"Don't run, Saige. Talk to me," he says which pisses me off even more.
Glaring at him, I need to shut this down. "Ya know, that's the second time I've heard this running bullshit today and it needs to stop. I have run from nothing my whole life. If anything, I've run to the answers and the requirements needed to make a difference. I have never run from anyone or anything my entire life."
"Yes, you do. You're doing it right now."
"I'm not running, Malcolm. I'm leaving because I can't talk to you right now I'm so pissed off."
"Tell me about your brother," he suddenly says making me flinch.
"Not. A. Chance."
"Tell me about him. He's the kid who was sentenced for a DUI, right?"
"I'm leaving," I move past him for the house.
Practically ripping the door off the track I storm through his kitchen and almost laugh when I realize I was still polite enough to take my plate with me to the sink.
"This is running," he yells behind me.
"No, it isn't. This is a woman pissed off. Too bad you’re too stupid to know the difference," I scoff walking down the hallway for his front door. Grabbing my purse off the long table against the wall, I just bend to put on my shoes when he stops behind me. "Piss off, Malcolm. I'm leaving."
"You can leave. Just tell me he was your brother."
"Why?"
"Because I want to know. Because you matter too, Saige. I want to know if all this is just because your brother had a bad sentence when he was a kid. I want to know what drives you."
Actually squeezing my arm hard enough to get my attention but not hard enough to hurt or threaten me, he whispers, "Talk to me," in a voice I can't fight anymore.
"Yes, my brother was the one who was sentenced at 18."
"So he's out of jail now?"
Smiling, I know this is horrible but I want him to feel as badly as I do right now. "Nope. He's dead now." Watching Malcolm flinch and release my arm I laugh sarcastically. "Glad you brought him up? No? Well, neither am I!"
"Oh fuck… Saige. I didn't know. I assumed-"
"What? I didn't talk to him anymore because he's an ex-con and I wouldn't possibly be associated with a criminal? Or maybe I'm such a snob I think I'm better than him so that's why I say I have no siblings?"
"No, I-"
"What, Malcolm? What did you think?"
"I don't know. I assumed he was out of jail, trying to get by and maybe you wanted to help him, or thought you could help other people because he wasn't helped. I don't know..."
"Well, you're half right anyway. I'm doing this for other people's brothers or sisters, or for whoever can't afford good counsel because they don't have the money for it. I don't want to see someone else who may have had a chance, lose their only chance… to live," I whisper without crying.
God, this conversation plays out so often in my head I never cry anymore over it. I'm simply numb to my sad reality, and frozen by my dark past. And I still miss Alec every single day.
"Come here," Malcolm motions to the stairs beside us. "Tell me what happened to him."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"You already are talking about it. So finish this, Saige. Tell me about Alec," Malcolm says so gently, I feel the pain of Alec's name tear through my heart again. "How did he die?"
Waiting in silence, Malcolm sits on the stairs and moves over to give me room. He doesn't ask again, he just waits for me to decide on my own without forcing me to do anything.
Looking at his beautiful blue eye begging me to speak, I feel like I should give him something. I feel like I owe him something for all the patience he's given me this last month we've really gotten to know each other, and for the few weeks even before that.
Taking a big breath, I sit down beside him and admit Alec’s horrible truth. "He intentionally overdosed in jail."
"What?" He asks shocked. Nodding at him, Malcolm doesn't move or speak after his initial gasp, and once again his silence gives me a kind of strength I wouldn't normally have discussing Alec.
"Yeah... Um, he didn't even last 4 months in jail. Only 4 months out of 6 years, which probably would have been reduced to 2 1/2 years with good behavior."
"4 months?"
"He was in jail for only 4 months which wasn't enough time for me and my mum to fix anything. We tried though. I contacted high priced lawyers and begged them to take on his case pro bono. I begged the city, and even the Mayor of New Haven to look into his case. I went to the paper and we wrote an article they published, and it was slowly working. People were taking an interest and people were curious about the hefty sentence Alec received for essentially being sober but for .001 over the acceptable limit on his 18th birthday."
Turning to look at Malcolm again for a second I confess, "Thinking back to that time, I'm amazed at what I started to accomplish for him. You can actually google Alec Masters and read all about him and what happened afterward," I stop before Malcolm can ask what I mean about Alec’s afterward.
"Anyway, I didn't know anything about the law at that point. And before everything with Alec happened I was actually planning on being a Linguistics Professor like my father was, but then I jumped in to try to help and I didn’t stop even after Alec stopped."
"Where were your parents? What were they doing?"
"Truthfully, my father wouldn't get involved. He was a very terse man, and basically an unfeeling asshole. He would just shrug and say Alec got what he deserved, which wasn't true at all. But he wouldn't bend no matter how much I asked for his financial help. We needed a good lawyer fast, but my mum and I had no money and that's when the worst Public Defender on the planet was issued to Alec by the courts. And that was pretty much the end for him."
"And your mom?"
"She did what she could. She sent him letters in jail every day and tried to support him as best as she could. See, Alec was her favorite, but not in a bad way, like where I would be jealous- just in that mother/son way that made their bond special. She loved Alec so much, and after my father left her my mum used Alec as the male stand-in. He became the person she asked for advice and the person she spent her time with when he was around. So it was extra hard for her losing Alec only a year or so after my father left her. But she tried."
"You said he intentionally overdosed?" Malcolm asks holding my left hand on his thigh.
"There was a suicide note, and he didn't ever do drugs before that night. Plus, the drugs he took weren't beginner drugs, so the quantity he paid whoever for in jail was obviously meant to kill him. No one takes that much morphine for the first time without wanting to die. So he died," I shrug.
Waiting an eternity against Malcolm's side, his body is warm and his hand is so huge holding mine I can't stop looking at it.
"Did he say why?" Malcolm asks looking really sad beside me. "I understand he was probably afraid at 18 facing 6 years in jail, but-"
"It's bad, Malcolm," I cut him off.
Looking at my eyes so sadly my eyes fill with tears, Malcolm squeezes my hand and whispers, "It’s okay. Tell me."
Trying to speak without sobbing, I finally tell Malcolm the horrible end of my sweet Alec.
"Um, we found out afterward during the State's Inquest into his overdose that Alec was brutalized by his 43 year old cell mate." Choking back the bile in my mouth, I barely say the words I hate. "He was raped so violently he was actually hemorrhaging from the internal damage he had suffered hours before he overdosed from a weapon of some kind."
"Oh, Saige..." Malcolm chokes up beside me which jus
t breaks my heart all over again.
"If he hadn't overdosed, the medical examiner stated he may have died through the night anyway, the internal damage was so severe."
"I remember this story now," Malcolm says quietly. "I remember hearing about him in the news."
"Yeah, probably. It was pretty big news when it happened for about 2 weeks," I huff. "Then the public lost interest. Anyway, residual semen found on Alec's clothing proved his cellmate was the man who raped him," I gag thinking of how he hurt Alec. "Ah, he was later convicted of aggravated sexual assault with a few years added to his sentence. But what did it really matter at that point? Alec was already dead because he just couldn't hold on no matter how many times I told him I was going to fix this for him."
"You didn't do this."
"I know I didn't do it!" I snap angrily. "I'm not delusional, Malcolm. I just regret not helping him sooner, or raising the red flags, or just doing something sooner. I knew something was wrong with him the Sunday before he died when I visited, but I didn't think to ask and I don't think Alec could've told me anyway. Probably because that would've been embarrassing for him as a man I'm sure, but also because I was his little sister who absolutely adored him."
Choking back a giant sob from my chest, I tell the truth. "And I did, Malcolm. I loved Alec so much, he was just everything to me. He was my older brother by just under 2 years, but he was my best friend and my favorite person in the world. He egged my mum on and drove her crazy but he was so good to her. And he was very popular, and good looking, and funny, so everyone loved him, too. But I was special to him- he actually told me that," I smile sadly. "So no one messed with Alec's geeky, super scrawny, red-headed, little sister because he would've gone after them."
"Saige..." Malcolm squeezes my hand a little.
"But he didn't love me enough to tell me what was happening. And he didn't love me enough to keep living."
"Saige, that wasn't it. He probably just couldn't handle what happened to him. So right or wrong he found the only escape he could. That would’ve been atrocious for a young kid to suddenly be going through, so he probably just tried to get out of it the only way he thought there was."
"You don't know that, Malcolm. Would you have killed yourself? Or would you have told someone and fought back trying to get help?"
"I can't answer that."
"It doesn't matter anyway. He's gone now, and I was left to pick my drunken mother off the floor when she couldn't stand the pain of what he did to us."
"Saige, there's more to it than that. From a male perspective, being raped would be-"
"What? Worse than a female being raped?" I yell.
Flinching, I know Malcolm sees my point and wishes he had the right answer. I can see him trying to think of the way out of this but there really isn't one.
"Hundreds of thousands of women are raped annually, Malcolm. Sometimes so violently, it causes real internal damage and life-long physical and emotional scars. They are brutalized, but do you know what the suicide rate is for them? Next to nothing. You know why? I'll tell you why- Because women are stronger and tougher than we're given credit for."
Squeezing my hand, Malcolm moans, "Yes..."
"So why the hell didn't Alec tell me or someone else? Why did he choose to leave me alone instead of trusting me to help him?"
"I don't know."
"Because he didn't love me enough to live. That's the truth of it."
Quite adamantly, Malcolm argues, "I disagree." But I don't care.
"It doesn't really matter that you think or if you agree with me or not. That's the way I see it and that's what I've felt for almost 7 years now. He could be free right now, but he didn't hold on for me, and he's been dead a long time. So that's it for me."
"What does that mean?" Malcolm asks turning right on the step to look at my face.
"It means what it means. I won't go through that kind of pain again, no matter what."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning, I just don't have it in me anymore to give myself like that again. I can't."
"Can't what? Live? Love? What can't you do?" Malcolm asks sounding almost agitated.
"All of it. Everything. I'm just done now. So the only thing I can do is help people when I pass the bar."
"Saige, you have to-"
"Malcolm can I please go home now? Please? I'm exhausted and I want to go home and sleep. I'm not running, so don't you dare say that to me after all I've shared with you tonight. I'm just really tired now and want to go."
Sounding a little desperate Malcolm says, "I understand. But do you want some dessert? Or a drink, or something?"
"No, but thank you. I'll see you tomorrow for the party though."
"I'd like to follow you home to make sure you get in okay."
"I'll be fine."
"For Christ’s sake, Saige, could you not be stubborn for once? I'll just follow you and leave, alright?" He stands over me suddenly.
"Fine," I bitch standing for the door.
"Let me get my keys," he huffs moving down the hall toward the kitchen as I push open his front door to darkness. Catching my breath I run for my car, unlock it and hop in before Malcolm's even locked his front door.
Peeling away I feel pissed and exhausted and kind of mental, actually. I feel so unhappy that when I see Malcolm behind me in my rearview I gun my pathetic old lady engine a little to try to lose him which makes me start laughing instead of crying.
Rounding corners a little quicker than usual, at one red light he actually turns on his interior light behind me so I can see him pointing and laughing at me which cracks me right up.
I know I'll never lose him in my jalopy as Selena calls it, but the thought of hitting the quick expressway across town and really trying to lose him excites the hell out of me as I peel away again through the green light.
Twenties five minutes later I'm pulling up to the side of my building in my designated spot as Malcolm parks right beside me.
"Really?" Is all he grins when I hop out laughing.
"It was fun though. Thanks for following me home."
"Let me walk you to your door," he insists already moving. Bending down low, he says almost as an aside, "You really should have Selena teach you a thing or two about driving if you want any hope in hell of ever losing me."
"I will," I grin entering the elevators.
At my door, I turn to Malcolm and hug him. Tightly and fairly unexpectedly, I hug the hell out of him until he gently hugs me back.
"Thank you for dinner, and the conversation, and for just being so understanding about everything all the time. You really are amazing, Malcolm," I exhale again against the chest I'm beginning to absolutely love.
"You're welcome. Again. Now get inside and go to sleep. You're gonna need all your energy tomorrow for the party."
"Is Tatum going to call me a wee Leprechaun all night?"
Smiling down at me he says what I expected. "Most likely. But I'll stop him before he sets you in a soup pot on the counter. Unless you want the extra cash?" He grins as I swat him.
Turning to open my door, I mumble smartass. "Good night, sweet Saige," Malcolm whispers making my heart pound when he kisses the back of my head before I push my door open.
Alone and locked in, I reset my alarm and say through the door, "You can go now," to him laughing and knocking once against it before walking away.
CHAPTER 24
"You look gorgeous!" Selena squeals entering my apartment.
"Really? I'm nervous I'm showing too much cleavage," I panic pulling the wrap around dress tighter again.
"Nope. Just the perfect amount. I knew that dress would look amazing on you. Look, Dave. Doesn't she look beautiful?"
Kissing Selena's head Dave actually says, "Second most beautiful, only to you," as both Selena and I burst out laughing.
"Wow," we say together laughing all over again at his cheesiness.
"Okay fine. She looks fuckin’ hot. Better?"
"Yes," she g
rins kissing his lips. "Go make us a drink while I finish the back of her hair." Already pulling me to my tiny bathroom, Selena grabs the curling iron and starts tearing into my scalp. "Hair up or down?"
"Ponytail?" I ask knowing the answer.
"Nope. He always sees you in a ponytail. You're either wearing it all up, or all down. Pick quickly. He'll be here in 15 minutes."
"Down?" I question again to her ripping out the back of my hair with the goddamn curling iron. "Ow! I'm attached to that hair, Selena," I moan as my head is yanked backward again.
"I know," she huffs. "Your makeup is perfect too. Dramatic eyes and pouty pink lips. I love it and with this green dress your eyes are gorgeous. There, I've got the back curled. Let me see," she turns me around quickly. Flouncing my hair on my shoulders, she pushes one side forward, then both sides back, then both sides forward again.
"I want to pin one side around to the back so just your right side has hair falling forward. Trust me," she glares when I groan.
Pushing me against the sink, she bobby pins one after another and a few minutes later she smiles. "I think it looks hot."
Turning back to the mirror, sadly I agree. Dammit, I hate when she's right. My hair is twisted from the left to wrap around the back of my head until all my hair pours over my right shoulder and it looks awesome.
"Good?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Let’s go. I'm so excited to get drunk and have fun tonight."
"Me too," I agree.
Joining Dave on my couch, he complains about needing a coffee table which makes me want to hit him. "I'm making one," I admit to Selena looking at me like I've lost my mind. "For real. I bought something I'm going to use and Malcolm's going to help me make a table. Starting tomorrow actually."
"I love that man," she moans making Dave glare at her. "I wish you were more like Malcolm," she actually says to my shock and Dave's complete insult. "No offense," she tacks on like that'll make a difference.