He shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. She had the baby, and I took responsibility.”
“Except that no one in the world but her actually knows you have a son, so I’m not sure how that’s taking responsibility.” Rob has fallen a couple notches in my view. I never imagined him doing something like this, having a child and hiding him.
He sighs again, his shoulders sagging. “It’s not that simple.”
“So explain it to me,” I say, sounding bitchy. “So I can understand. In real simple terms.”
He looks up at me, his expression tortured. “Please don’t say it like that.”
I feel guilty and have to look away. “Whatever. Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. I know you’re angry. You should be. I’m angry at myself. I should have handled it differently. I should have handled everything differently. I’ve made a ton of mistakes, but the two biggest ones are how I dealt with the situation with Brian and how I handled it with you.”
“Brian?”
He smiles sadly. “My son. That’s his name.”
I’m picturing a little toddler running around, but that can’t be right. “How old is he?”
“He’s thirteen.”
“And how often do you see him?”
“Almost every weekend and some nights during the week.”
I look around the room and see no evidence of a teenager here. There’s not one single photo in sight. And I know for a fact that this place only has one bedroom.
“Does he stay over?” I ask.
“No. He can’t.”
I’m afraid what that says about Rob. Is he that cruel that he’d keep his teenage son from his life like that?
“Why not?” I’m trying not to cry. I really am. But I can’t believe that the man I so admired has turned out to be so cold. My eyes are burning with tears I won’t let fall.
“Because he’s handicapped, and I don’t have the facilities here to care for him.”
A loud ringing starts in my ears and won’t stop.
“What did you say?” I whisper. I’m sure I didn’t hear that right.
“I said that he’s handicapped. Severely. Taking him out of his home is very complicated and somewhat dangerous, so I visit him where he lives.”
Tears overflow and start to slide down my cheeks. “What happened to him?”
Rob shrugs slightly. “Nothing happened, per se. He was born with cerebral palsy and there’s no way to know how it happened. The doctors believe he was exposed to some virus or suffered some sort of brain damage during gestation. There’s just no way to know for sure.”
I reach out and put my hand on his arm. “I’m sorry.” I’m apologizing for everything — for judging him, for the sadness I know he feels over his son, for whatever made him think he had to hide it from us. Are we that judgmental? Did he fear what we’d think if he told us the truth?
“Does James know?”
“Yes. He knows. He’s the only one outside of our families who knows.”
I’m hurt that James had that privilege before me, but I understand. Kind of.
“Whose idea was it to keep it a secret?” I can’t imagine what a parent of a handicapped child goes through, but I want to believe I wouldn’t be ashamed of my child. Is Rob ashamed or is it something else? Is Val?
“It was his mother’s idea. I defer to her on everything. She’s been through a lot.”
“I can imagine.” I scoot closer to Rob on the couch. “Is she okay? I mean, she must be, he’s her son and she loves him, but… I mean…” The words won’t come. I want to know everything about her and Brian too, but I don’t want to push.
“She’s fine. As fine as a mother can be seeing her child suffer.”
“He’s suffering?” The tears come more readily.
Rob turns his head to glance at me. “He’s severely handicapped. He can’t walk, he can’t talk, he can’t hear very well if at all. It’s hard for us to know for sure if he can even process what he does hear. He’s thirteen years old, but he only weighs sixty pounds. He gets bed sores very easily, every time he gets a chest cold we wonder if it will kill him.” Rob shakes his head and rubs his hand through his hair distractedly. “It’s not easy for either of us, but for her, it’s worse. She blames herself.”
“But why?”
“Because she’s his mother. She carried him. That’s all the excuse she needs. No one else blames her, of course, but every time she looks at him, that’s what she’s thinking.”
“Your relationship never had a chance, did it?”
“Not after Brian was born. I tried. I really did. For his sake, more than anything. I cared about her, sure, but I never planned to marry her. But I would have once I knew she was pregnant, and I would have made it work. But she didn’t want to.”
“She turned you down?”
He smiles sadly. “She’s a great mom. She told me she only had room for one man in her life after Brian was born, and he was that man. I got it. And I respected it.”
“So what does she do? Does she visit him every day?”
“Pretty much. She reads to him, she gives him baths, she brushes his hair, she takes him in the therapy pool and walks around with him in there. She takes him on walks around the property.” He shrugs. “She does whatever she can to be close to him.”
“Where is he?”
“He’s at a private facility outside the city. Harrington’s it’s called. There are only twenty patients there, so he gets great care.”
“Will you take me there to meet him?” I hold my breath, waiting for his response. I’m nervous about it, but he’s Rob’s son. Of course I want to get to know him.
“If you really want to go,” he says softly.
I rub his back. “I do. I want to meet your son. I’m kind of pissed I never knew about him before, actually.”
Rob puts his glass down on the table and drops his face into his hands. It’s only when I feel his back shaking under my hand that I realize he’s crying.
I pull him against me and do the best I can to hug is broad back. “Shh, you don’t have to cry. I’m not mad at you.”
One of his hands comes away from his face and snakes around my waist. We sit there on the couch like that for a really long time, Rob sobbing into my lap and me crying above him. This is so not how I thought our first date would end up, but I’m not complaining. It feels like a whole new world has opened up in front of me and Rob is standing just beyond the door of it inviting me in. All I have to do is take the first step over the threshold.
Chapter Thirty-Three
I WAKE UP WITH A cramp in my neck from Rob’s stupid couch. When I stretch my leg out it hits him in the face and he grunts. I crack an eye and see my big toe in his nose.
Yanking my foot back, I smile. “Oops. Sorry about that.”
His eyes are only half open and his hair is everywhere. I’ve never seen Rob look so sexy. His shirt is almost completely undone, revealing the undershirt beneath. His pants are wrinkled and his belt is on the coffee table. It would be so easy to undress him right now…
“You want some coffee?” he asks, sitting up and scrubbing his head a few times.
A glance at my watch tells me we’ve only been sleeping about four hours, after staying up until the wee hours reminiscing about growing up in love and not knowing it.
“Not really,” I say. I can’t stop staring at him, he’s so gorgeous. I’m completely lusting after him. His confessions and emotional breakdown last night only made him sexier. He’s a father. A man who’s suffered tragedy and survived. He respects the mother of his child and stands by her side as they do the best they can for their son.
So what if he made some mistakes? I’ve made plenty of my own, and I don’t want anyone judging who I am now by the things I’ve done wrong in the past and regretted. It wouldn’t be fair of me to do that to him. All my misgivings have disappeared. I know Rob. I’ve known him for most of my life. He’s good and kind and loving and funny and sexy as hell. I’m so glad I slept over he
re, even though right now I know I look terrible, have stinky breath, and slept in the dress I wore last night on our first date.
He grins when he catches me staring at him. “What? Is it my hair?” He brushes at it with his hand, doing nothing to fix the mess that it has become.
“Yes. Among other things.” I let my gaze slide over his body, starting with his gorgeous face and ending with his crotch.
His grin grows wider. “You’d better quit looking at me like that or we’re both going to be in trouble.”
“Oh yeah?” I lean in closer to him, hoping my breath isn’t too horrible. “What kind of trouble?”
He stares at me intently as his hand comes up and settles behind my neck. “This kind,” he says, pulling me toward him with a growl.
We come together like a car crash, bodies slamming into each other, things falling apart. I hear something breaking but ignore it. Maybe it’s the coffee table, but who cares. A seam on my dress rips as he pulls it from my shoulders. The last three buttons on his shirt fly off as I give up on taking it off slowly.
He pushes me down the hall as we kiss, our tongues battling for position, hands everywhere. My back slams into his door, but a second later, I’m falling backwards as he opens it. He catches me and drags me over to the bed, the two of us stumbling and barely making it before we fall in a tumble onto the mattress. First he’s on top, yanking my bra straps down and pushing my panties from my hips, then I push him over and bite his bottom lip before climbing on top of him.
I stare down at his wet lips, his crazy hair, his dark eyes and bare chest as I unhook my bra and throw it to the floor.
“You are so hot right now,” he says, his hands sliding up to cover my breasts.
I grind my pelvis down onto his hard length, moving so I can feel it pressing into my panties that are still somehow in the way. My dress is gathered at my waist, also being very inconvenient. Too many clothes, dammit. Just as I’m trying to decide how to rid myself of all of it, Rob grabs me, flips me over onto my back, and yanks my panties and dress down to my ankles where they fall to the floor in a heap. Whoo hoo, problem solved!
He drops to his knees at the side of the bed and pulls me to him by my hips.
“What are you doing?” I ask breathlessly as his face lowers to my thighs.
“Just let me…” And then he’s between my legs and I’m moaning.
There’s no time for awkwardness or regret or wondering what he might be thinking. His tongue is driving me wild and soon I’m yelling for release. I’ve never been so turned on in my life.
He’s gone for a moment and then he’s back, this time looming over me with his entire body. “I need you now,” he says, his face so dark he looks dangerous.
I reach down and find him naked, hard, and ready to go. Scooting back on the bed, I open my legs as my arms reach up to him. “I’m right here, waiting.” And pulsing with need. I’m going to go insane if he doesn’t get inside me like right now.
And then he’s there, filling me, pushing into me so deeply I think I’m going to split apart. My hips strain upwards, bringing him even more fully into me.
We groan together, moaning, kissing and groping. My nails drag across his skin as the need builds inside me. He reaches down and grabs my rear end, squeezing and kneading as he thrusts into me. The pace of our rhythm increases and I find myself crying.
“Are you okay?” he asks, pausing.
“Don’t stop!” I screech, grabbing him with both hands and lifting my hips as I beg for release.
He growls and surges forward, filling me and yelling out like a wild man. “Jana! Jesus! I’m coming!”
And then I fall from that cliff he led me to. I close my eyes and cling for life, hoping when I hit bottom I’ll still be alive and he’ll still want to be with me. I’ve never felt so fulfilled in my entire life as I do in his bed and in his arms.
Chapter Thirty-Four
I’M NERVOUS. I KNOW ROB and I have made it past our first hurdles — first date and sex, woo hoo! — But this trip is a much bigger deal than those things were. I’m about to meet Val and Brian, the two most important people in his life who I didn’t even know existed until just two days ago.
“Are you nervous?” Rob asks, taking my clammy hand in his as we walk up the stately driveway of the home where Brian lives.
“Very. I think I’m going to barf.”
“Barf?” Rob looks at me, kind of sad. That’s when I realize he’s misunderstood.
“No! Not barf like I’m grossed out. Barf because there are so many butterflies in my stomach.” I hang onto his arm like I can’t walk on my own. “I’m about to meet your first true love and your son. Anyone would be nervous in my shoes.”
He detaches me from his arm so he can put it around me, holding me close. “Don’t worry. Val knows you’re coming and she’s told Brian. They’re expecting you. And she’s happy for me.”
“She is?”
“Of course. She knows how hard it is for me to be with someone.”
I look up at him, curious. “Why is it hard for you? I don’t understand.” He’s sexy, accomplished, single…
He opens the front door for me and waits for me to precede him before he responds. “You’ll see.”
People manning the reception area smile and nod at him.
“Hey, Rob,” says a big guy wearing a white outfit and red sneakers, wheeling someone in a chair down the hall.
“Hey, Greg. What’s new?” Rob reaches out to shake his hand.
“Same old, same old.” The big guy’s hand swallows Rob’s smaller one. They both share a genuine smile with one another.
Rob turns to me and gestures. “This is Jana, my best friend’s little sister.”
My face turns pink as I shake Greg’s hand.
“Uh-huh,” Greg says, in a tone that reveals he’s way more perceptive than he probably should be. He points to the person in the chair, a very frail girl with just a few wispy hairs floating around her head. “This is Rebecca. She’s just going for her water therapy.”
“Hi, Rebecca,” I say, not sure what the protocol is. Should I shake her hand? Can she hear me?
She responds with a grunt and a wobbling of her head.
Greg pats her on the shoulder. “All right, all right, we’re going.” He talks in a loud whisper. “Water therapy is her favorite. She gets testy when I’m slow.”
We watch as she’s wheeled away and Greg starts talking to her about the weather outside. His voice fades out as they get farther down the hall.
“Are all the kids in wheelchairs here?” What I really want to know if they’re all as bad off as she is. I can’t imagine what that’s like — to be locked inside a body that won’t work but to have all the same thoughts and feelings I have in my able-bodied self. They must learn patience from a very early age.
“Pretty much. This is a skilled nursing facility, so everyone here needs help with all their ADLs.”
“What’s that?”
“Oh, sorry. I forgot you don’t know the lingo yet. ADLs are actives of daily living, like eating, dressing, bathing, moving around, and using the bathroom. All the patients here need assistance with all of those things.”
I want to say something, but the only thing that comes to mind is how sad it seems, and I know that focusing on the negatives is not the way to start this relationship with his son and son’s mother.
“Here we go,” Rob says, stopping outside a door covered in decorations.
“Did Brian do these?” I ask, touching one that shows two stick figures standing in flowers.
“With some help,” Rob says, pushing the door in.
I wait outside as he walks in. The room has a hospital bed on one end, up high with several machines nearby. There’s a round table with two chairs at it and a large wheelchair holding someone I can’t see from behind, and on the other end of the room is an armoire, a sink, and a door I assume leads into a bathroom.
A woman sitting in the chair next to the
wheelchair stands, smiling and smoothing down her pants.
“Rob, hi!” She looks down at her table companion. “Look, Brian, your dad’s here.”
Just hearing Rob being called a dad makes my heart clench up. I can’t see his face anymore because his back is to me. I walk in a couple steps so they won’t think I don’t want to come in, even though I feel like I’m invading their private sanctuary.
“And daddy brought a friend with him,” Val says, moving to welcome me. “Hi,” she says, smiling warmly and holding out her hand. “It’s so nice to finally meet you, Jana.”
I take her hand and shake it, a little surprised to find out she’s heard of me already. Did Rob tell her recently or has she known about me for a long time? When she said ‘finally’ it made me think he’s mentioned me before yesterday. I feel a little warm glow starting over the idea.
Rob is bent down, talking softly to his son.
I look at Val, hoping she isn’t sensing how nervous I am. “It’s really nice to meet you too. Both of you.” I let her hand go and look around the room. “This is a really nice place.”
“It is,” she says, smiling warmly, her brown eyes and beautiful Latina looks only slightly intimidating. “I agree. I couldn’t ask for better, thanks to Rob.” She looks over at her ex-boyfriend with admiration. “He works really hard so we can be here.” With that, she turns and walks back over to the table, sitting down in her chair. Looking up at me, she gestures for me to join her in the other seat.
“Come on over and meet Brian,” she says. She looks her son and smiles warmly. “He’s been waiting to meet you all morning.”
I walk over, my heart beating rapidly as I wonder what I’ll see. I pray my expression won’t reveal anything that hurts anyone’s feelings. I’ve never known a handicapped child personally. I want to believe I’ll do the right thing, but what is the right thing? I don’t even know.
I come around the table and stop near Rob. He stands and moves back so I can get closer.
“Brian, this is my friend, Jana. She’s James’s little sister. Remember, I told you about her?”