CHAPTER FIFTEEN.
Rosalind gave a little sob and flicked her handkerchief across her eyes.
"Peggy thinks I am worldly," she said brokenly, "and when I twy toconfide in her, she puts her head in the air and looks as if she had nopatience to listen. She says cwuel things!"
"I'm sorry, Rosalind, and so will she be herself, when she has had timeto think. Peg is a hasty little mortal, but you know how loving andstaunch she is, and I am sure she had not the remotest intention ofwounding you. What was it all about? What was the subject underdiscussion?"
But at this Rosalind blushed and hesitated. A problematical marriagewas no easy matter to explain to Arthur Saville, yet mingled with herembarrassment was a strange eagerness to hear what he would have to sayon the subject. Never once in all these years had a word of love passedArthur's lips, but Rosalind was too experienced a woman of the world tobe in any doubt as to his sentiments. She knew that he loved her, andhad been grateful to him for the reticence which made it possible tocontinue on terms of friendship, but at this crisis of her life the oldfriendship seemed insufficient, and her heart went out to Arthur in arush of love and longing.
"I asked her advice about--accepting Lord Everscourt!" she said,faltering; and there was a moment's silence before Arthur repliedquietly:
"I see! Just so. And Peggy said?"
"She said she was sowwy for him, not me. She said that I looked upon itas a business arrangement, and seemed to think that I could never reallycare for any man."
"And was she misjudging you? _Do_ you care for Lord Everscourt, Rosie?"
She shook her head at him with a soundless movement of lips shaped topronounce a "No."
"But he is a good fellow, I am told, and devoted to you. I don't agreewith Peggy on this question, Rosalind. You have been brought up tovalue certain things so highly that you cannot be happy without them,and if you meet an honest English gentleman who can give them to you,and love you sincerely into the bargain, I believe that it would be yourbest chance of happiness. If you can esteem and respect him, love wouldprobably follow."
Rosalind dropped her eyes and stood before him drooping and silent.This was not what she had expected to hear. Never in her mostdespondent moods had she believed it possible that Arthur Saville wouldadvocate her marriage with another; never had she believed that he couldlisten unmoved to such a suggestion! The pain at her heart forced herinto speech, and the words faltered forth with unconscious self-betrayal.
"No, I could never love him. It's impossible! I have no love to give."
"You mean--" began Arthur, and then stopped short, for Rosalind hadlifted her eyes to his in a long, eloquent glance, and in that momentthere were no secrets between them. Rosalind realised the patient,self-sacrificing love which had kept silence for her sake, and ArthurSaville knew that all that was best in Rosalind Darcy's nature was givento him, and that he held the key to the poor starved citadel of herheart.
"Oh, Rosie!" he cried brokenly, "is it really so? Am I the happy man,dear? Do you mean that you care for me instead--that that is the reasonwhy you cannot love him?"
"Always, Arthur, oh, always!" whispered Rosalind brokenly. "Ever sinceI was a child! I have twied to get over it, but it is no use. I thinkof you all the time; I enjoy nothing if you are not with me. I havebehaved badly to you often, but I have suffered for it afterwards. Ihave lain awake cwying half the night when you have been vexed with meand have gone away without saying good-night."
"Poor child!" sighed Arthur softly. His face was pale, and wore atroubled expression, very different from that of the ordinary happylover who has just listened to such a speech from his lady's lips. "AndI have loved you, too, Rosalind; but I never intended to let you knowit. Perhaps I was wrong, but I doubted my own powers of making youhappy, and thought the best thing I could do for you was to stand out ofthe way. But the case is altered now. You love me, and that lays a newduty on us both. The question is--how much do you love me, Rosie dear?How much are you prepared to give up for my sake? I am a poor man, andhave my way to make. In ten--a dozen years from now, if I am alive andwell,"--Arthur squared his shoulders and drew himself up with an air ofa man who has a justifiable confidence in his own powers--"I shall havemade a position for myself which will be worth your acceptance; but wemust realise what ten years means. In ten years, sweetheart," he lookedat her with a smile so tender that her eyes fell before his, "you willbe young no longer. You will have passed the best years of your life.Could you bear to pass them as the wife of a poor man, living in a smallhouse, without any of the luxuries and pleasures to which you areaccustomed? Do you love me enough to do it _willingly_? I'd work withthe strength of ten men, but I have had more experience of the worldthan you, dear, and I know that success cannot come in a day. With allmy love and all my care, I could not shield you from the waiting whichmust come first."
"But--but--" faltered Rosalind, and was silent. The matter-of-factmanner in which Arthur had followed up the mutual declaration of love bya proposal of marriage had filled her with consternation. She did lovehim, oh yes! If he had been in Lord Everscourt's position, how gladlyshe would have been his wife! but his picture of the life which the mustshare if she joined in her lot with him sent a chill of dismay throughher veins. Ten years of poverty and obscurity, ten years' work andwaiting, with no possibility of success until youth and beauty had fled,and she was an uninteresting, middle-aged woman! Rosalind shivered atthe thought, and summoned up courage to protest once more.
"It is so sudden, Arthur, that I don't know what to say. I was neversure until now that you weally did care for me. And to talk of beingmawwied so soon--at once!"
"What else can we do? When you tell me that other men wish to marryyou, you cannot wonder that I want to claim you as my own. You aretroubled about Lord Everscourt, but if you were engaged to me the matterwould settle itself dear, and it would be the best way out of thedifficulty. I will speak to your father at once, and--"
"No, no!" she cried quickly, so quickly and with such an emphasis ofdenial that Arthur looked at her in wonder. "You must not do that. Iwon't allow it. He is waiting for me to give an answer to LordEverscourt, and he would be so upset and distwessed. He likes you, andso does mother, but--Oh, you know how it is! You know what they want!You know how disappointed they would be!"
"Yes, I know, and I should be sorry for them, for it would be areasonable disappointment. You are their only daughter, and from theirpoint of view Everscourt can do better for you than I; but, my darling,in this matter you must think first of yourself! It is your life thatis at stake, and it is for you to choose whether you prefer love orriches. Your parents will bow to your decision, for they love you toomuch to destroy your happiness. Your mother would feel it most, but Iwould do my best to reconcile her to the disappointment, and as for yourdear, good father, there is one thing which would grieve him infinitelymore than the loss of a brilliant marriage. Can you guess what it is,Rosie?"
"No," she said, "no," but her eyes drooped, and she fidgeted uneasilywith the handle of her parasol. Arthur laid one hand over hers with aquick pressure, and, despite its firmness, his voice was very gentle ashe replied:
"Yes, you do, dear. You guess what I mean. He would rather see youmarried to me than know that you had deliberately sold yourself formoney while your heart was given to another man. In the one case hewould admire your sincerity, in the other he could feel neitheradmiration nor respect, nothing--it seems to me--but shame andhumiliation!"
Rosalind drew in her breath with a deep inhalation. It was true, andshe knew it was true! Lord Darcy had never failed to hold the highestideals before his daughter, and it would be a bitter grief to him if shecondescended to an unworthy choice. Already, in imagination, she couldsee the shadow fall across the tired old face, and she shivered as if inpain, for her father's respect and good opinion were very precious inher eyes. Many a time in days gone past had the fear of his disapprovalheld her back from
a foolish action, and, in this crisis of her life, itwas more than ever necessary to her peace of mind to retain hisapproval. She stood hesitating and trembling, and, unseen to mortaleyes, the good angel of Rosalind Darcy's life stood by her side at thatmoment and whispered counsel in her ear. The worldly motives seemed todisappear, she looked in Arthur's face and saw, waiting for her, loveand tenderness, with such joy of congenial companionship as for themoment eclipsed every other consideration. Oh, surely no life was worthhaving compared with one spent with him! Her mind ran swiftly over adozen possibilities, and in each found a happy solution. Whateverhappened, she could not fail to be content if Arthur were near. He wasso good, so strong, so radiant, that his very presence was a guaranteeof happiness, of something more than happiness, for, with all hisbrightness of manner, there was an underlying nobility in ArthurSaville's character which Rosalind recognised and longed after in thedepths of her vacillating heart. She could be a better woman as hiswife than in any other sphere in life; if she rejected him, she wouldreject also her own best chance of becoming a good woman. She knew it,and a little chill, as of fear, ran through her veins as sheacknowledged as much to herself, for at the bottom of her heart she knewsomething else also. She knew that when it came to the point she had nointention of marrying Arthur Saville. It was sweet to look into hisface and dream for a moment of what might be, but the chains of theworld were too heavy to be broken; the prize for which she had longedwas within her grasp, and she could not throw it aside. The good spiritspread her wings and flew sadly away, for when a human being sees withclear eyes the opening of the roads, and deliberately turns in the wrongdirection, the angel who must then step forward to bear her company isno longer white-robed, but wears a weary countenance and sombre garment.Sometimes we call her Pain, and sometimes Experience, and there is nowelcome waiting for her where she goes, though sometimes, looking backover the years, we bless her in our hearts, and realise that she hastaught us lessons which her bright-robed sister was powerless to instil.
The shadow of future suffering seemed already on Rosalind's beautifulface as she raised it to Arthur's, and cried tremblingly:
"Arthur, I cannot! I love you dearly, but I cannot face it! Evewy onewould be so surpwised--so astonished! They would laugh at me behind myback, and mother would bweak her heart--and--and--oh, I couldn't bear togive up so much! I could not be happy seeing other people doing things,and not being able to do them myself. I could not endure to be poor.If you were even a little better off, I might wisk it, but it is such along, long time to wait. Ten years! And, after all, it is not certain.You might not succeed even then!"
"No, nothing is certain, not even the success of a worldly marriage,Rosalind! Health may go, riches may take wings and fly away. Supposeyou married Everscourt, and one of these two things came to pass, wherewould your happiness be then? There is only one thing which can betrusted to remain unchanged, and that is the right sort of love. Icould have given you that love, Rosalind, if you had cared enough inreturn to trust yourself to me, but I will not persuade you against yourwill. I have an uphill fight before me, and I want a wife who will helpme by her faith, not drag me back by her complaining. I was right inbelieving that such a poor thing as my love could have no power with youagainst other attractions."
A note of bitterness rang in Arthur's voice, despite his effort torestrain it, and Rosalind winced, and held out her hands with a gestureof protesting pain.
"You don't understand! You will never understand, and I can't explain.I can't justify myself, Arthur, or expect you to forgive me, but twy atleast to think of me as kindly as you can. I may not be able to carefor any one in the way you do, but at least I have cared for you most!I could never be happy again if I thought I had bwoken your heart."
"You have not broken it, Rosalind," said Arthur quietly. "If you hadloved me truly, and I had lost you, it would have been another matter,but you have never been mine even in imagination. I could not helploving you, but there was no hope in my love, only the shadow of thisend hanging over all. Now at last the bolt has fallen, and I have toface the worst. That is all!"
"But you won't--you won't do anything rash?" gasped Rosalind, the sightof the set face sending a dozen wild thoughts of suicide, emigration,and the like through her foolish brain. "Pwomise me, pwomise me, to becareful of yourself! Oh, Arthur, tell me, what do you mean to do?"
Arthur Saville drew himself up with the old soldierly gesture, and theflash came back to his eyes.
"Do!" he cried. "Bury the past and begin afresh, Rosalind! This is mysecond defeat in life, but I'll go on fighting. I'll win my victoriesyet!"
Rosalind Darcy looked at him and was silent. He was speaking the truth,and she realised it, as any one must have done who saw the young fellowat that moment, and noted the strength and determination of the handsomeface. Arthur Saville was not a man whose life could be wrecked by awoman's folly; there was a future before him, and the time would comewhen those who loved him would glory in his achievements.
In one of the bitterest moments of her life Rosalind Darcy realised thatwhen this time arrived, she herself would have neither part nor lot inhis successes!