Awkward doesn’t even begin to describe it.
“Babe, we’re going on week two. Don’t you think it’s time we think about going home?”
Heidi pushes her bottom lip out, and even though I used to think it was cute, tonight it annoys me.
“This was only supposed to be temporary,” I remind her.
“Okay. Give it another week and then, yeah, it will be good to be close to campus again. I need to talk to my adviser about getting back in next semester.”
“How are you planning to do that?”
She gives me a blank look.
“Who’s going to watch the baby?”
“We’ll have to figure something out. I’m finishing my degree.”
“Okay. Whatever you think is best.”
I’m stretched out on the bed and Alexa’s napping on my chest. She’s so tiny, I barely feel the weight of her, but every now and then, she twitches or kicks and I rub my hand over her back.
“What do you think she’s dreaming about?” I ask Heidi.
Her lips curve into a soft smile. “I don’t know. My psychology professor once told us that considering babies’ limited experiences, they probably don’t dream for the first few years of life.”
I make an interested hmm noise. This is what made me fall for Heidi in the first place. The interesting pieces of information she keeps stored in her head. The way she’s so inquisitive. I don’t know much outside of machines and how to fix them. Heidi knows something about everything.
“Come here,” I ask, holding out my hand.
She approaches slowly and entwines her fingers with mine. After a few seconds, she drops down next to me on the bed. “How are you?” I ask.
She seems surprised and I feel like a real shit. I’ve been so wrapped up in working as much overtime as I can and adjusting to this life I didn’t plan for that I’ve been short with her a lot lately.
“I’m tired, Axel. All the time.”
I run the back of my hand over her cheek. “Lie down with me.”
She curls up next to me, resting her head on my shoulder so she can see the baby. “I’m sorry I’ve been working so much,” I say. I’ve been meaning to tell her that for a while now.
“I understand. I do appreciate it, you know.”
“I know you do. You know I love you, right?” The way she hesitates hurts. I hate that I’ve made her question how I feel about her.
“Yeah.”
I squeeze her a little closer, resting my hand on her hip. “Get some rest, baby.”
“I love you, too,” she whispers before she falls asleep.
At her two-week check-up, the doctor seems surprised Alexa’s doing so well. I’m not insulted, I’m surprised myself, since I feel like I’m screwing up all the damn time.
It’s a beautiful day and it feels good to be out of the house. Axel’s at work, so after the doctor, I decide to stop in and visit him.
“Hey, what’re you doing here?” he asks as he jogs over to my car. “Did everything go okay at the doctor?”
He pulls me in for a quick hug as I step out of the car. “Yup. She gained a whole pound.”
“Is that good or bad?”
I chuckle and stop myself from pointing out that he didn’t read any of the baby stuff I asked him to. “It’s good.”
“So, what’s up?”
“I missed you.”
He gives me another quick squeeze and leans over to whisper in my ear. “How are you feeling?”
“Not that good. Four more weeks, bud.”
He throws his head back and laughs. “Am I that obvious?”
“Yes.”
“Lucas and Penny wanted us to come over tonight. They want to see the baby. You up for it?”
“Sure. I’ll stop by the apartment now actually. Check on things. See if they want us to bring something.”
“Thanks.” He glances up and nods at someone. “I have to go back.”
“I know. Sorry.”
I watch him jog back into the garage, and some of the heaviness in my chest eases away.
“We’re leaving for Alaska Monday,” Lucas announces after dinner. Penny and I ended up making hamburgers that the guys grilled outside on the patio.
“What?” I ask, although I seem to be the only one surprised by this information. “Since when?”
“Since my uncle got me a job. There’s one waiting for Axel, too, if he wants it.”
By the look on my husband’s face, this isn’t new information to him. He slides his gaze away from me. “I was going to talk to you about it.”
“What’s to talk about? There’s no way we can do that.”
“They have babies in Alaska, Heidi,” Axel says almost under his breath.
I ignore it and we have a fun night hanging out with our friends.
Too tired to drive to the clubhouse, we crash in our apartment.
Axel’s wide awake and waiting for me in the morning.
“How can you shut me down on Alaska without even discussing it?” he asks as I stumble into the kitchen.
“What?”
“The job. In Alaska. You didn’t even consider it. Didn’t bother asking me about the salary. Just no. Since when do you make the decisions for both of us?”
“Uh…” It takes me a second to shake myself awake and into this conversation. “One of us needs to act like a responsible parent. You have a good job here. Our families are here.”
“My parents don’t give a shit about us. They haven’t had any interest in meeting Alexa or being part of her life.”
“Yeah, but mine does. I don’t know what I would have done without them the last two weeks, and now you want to yank us away from all of that?”
“It’s only for a year.”
“What if they offer you another year? Or a promotion? What then?”
The corners of his mouth turn up slightly. “I’m glad you think so highly of my skills. I haven’t even taken the job and you’re talking promotions.”
“You know I think you’re good at what you do.”
“Come here.”
I cross my arms over my chest and stay planted right where I am.
He stands and takes a few steps in my direction. “What if we love it up there? What if it turns out to be really good for our family?”
“I want to finish my degree. I don’t have—”
“UAA has a Radiologic Technology program.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I looked it up,” he says in a matter-of-fact way that makes me suspicious.
“Wait a minute. How long have you known about this job offer?”
“Couple weeks.”
“A couple weeks?”
“Will you at least consider it?”
I uncross my arms and allow him to pull me into his embrace. “Fine. Convince me,” I mumble against his sweater.
“Like fuck are you moving my sister and my baby niece to Alaska. Are you out of your fucking mind?”
I knew Heidi’s brother wouldn’t take this well. Bringing this up first thing this morning was probably a mistake. We’ve been back at the clubhouse for the last couple days and this is the first time it’s been empty. Heidi’s over at Hope and Rock’s with the baby. So, I decided to seize the opportunity to get this out in the open.
“I’m telling you, it’s a possibility. Not asking for your permission, Marcel.”
“Good, ‘cause you ain’t gettin’ it. I’m the only family—”
“They are my family. I’m doing what’s best for my family.”
“You think it’s best to take Heidi away from anyone and everyone in her life? Who’s gonna help her with the baby when you’re off for weeks at a time?”
“Our friends are up there, too.”
“Who? Penny? That skank won’t lift a finger to help Heidi if she needs it.”
“You’re more than welcome to join us.”
“Fuck you. You know I can’t leave—”
“The club. Ye
ah, I know all about it. Maybe if you’d bothered to choose your sister over the club just once in your life, I’d have more sympathy.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You’re a selfish asshole.” I’m too furious to slow down now. “You were too busy whoring around and playing outlaw to see what was happening to Heidi.”
He takes another step into my space. “Watch your mouth, and remember where you’re standing.” The threat in his voice sends a shiver of fear through me, but I don’t back away. “The club helped me take care of Heidi. How the fuck else was a sixteen-year-old kid supposed to earn enough money? Please enlighten me, Mr. Silver Spoon.”
“She would have been better off in foster care than with that witch.”
“What’s going on?” Murphy calls out from the staircase. Of course he has to be here to stick his nose where it doesn’t belong. My blood boils as he lazily walks up behind Marcel.
“None of your fucking business, Murphy. This concerns my wife and me.”
Murphy raises an eyebrow and slides his gaze to Teller, but otherwise shows no reaction. I hate how intertwined the two of them are. No matter what, they always have each other’s backs, even when one of them acts like an asshole. I can’t wait to cut them out of our lives.
“I’m about two seconds from beating your arrogant ass, Axel. Explain,” Marcel threatens.
I’m committed now. “Go ahead. Kick my ass. I’m sure that will make Heidi want to stay.”
Murphy drills his stare into me, and I’m reminded that while he seems jovial and good-natured, he’s also a violent prick when he thinks he has a reason to be. “Where’s she going?”
“None of your fucking business,” I spit out. Murphy reacts by widening his stance and hooking his thumbs in his pocket. Silently letting me know he’s not going anywhere. Asshole.
“Axel here thinks he’s moving my sister and niece to Alaska so he can take some job on an oil rig where Heidi will be left alone for weeks at a time.”
Okay, when he puts it like that, it sounds bad.
“Is that what she wants?” Murphy asks quietly.
Murphy questioning my plans pisses me off so much I can’t see or think straight. It’s the only excuse I have for what I say next.
Ignoring Murphy, I jab my finger into Teller’s chest, but he doesn’t step back. “Where was all this big brotherly concern when your grandmother was taking a belt to Heidi’s ass and all the other fucked-up shit she did to her?”
Both of them explode and I have a small measure of satisfaction at their surprise.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Teller shouts. “Heidi—”
“Heidi was busy getting smacked around by your grandmother for every damn little thing she did wrong.” I’m yelling so loud now, Heidi can probably hear me betraying her secrets all the way over at Hope and Rock’s house.
Teller’s jaw drops. “No. She would have said something.”
“She was a kid. She had nowhere else to go.”
“But—”
“You abandoned her to—”
“I didn’t fucking abandon her! I saw her every week. She never said a thing.”
“Axel! What’s going on?” Great. She couldn’t stay out a little longer? I turn to find Heidi holding Alexa with Hope and Rock right behind her. Fantastic.
Rock lifts his chin at us. “Everything okay?”
Teller glares at Rock, which surprises me. “No. Everything is not okay.” He points to Heidi. “We need to have a talk, little sister.”
“You told him?” Heidi gasps, staring at me with hurt eyes. Alexa bursts into tears.
Hope holds out her arms. “I’ll take her, honey. Why don’t you guys discuss this quietly somewhere else.” She nods at the hallway that leads to the dining room.
“No. Please stay, Hope.” Heidi asks without taking her eyes off me.
Murphy moves away from us. “I’ll take her, Hope.” As I watch him carry my daughter down the hall, the only thing I feel is relief that he’s finally out of my business.
My entire body shakes with fury. But, I don’t want anyone to know how pissed I am at my husband. I don’t want to hear any shit from my brother, or even worse, Murphy about how I got married too young. I’ll die if I see one pitying look from Rock or Hope.
I made my bed and I’ll lie in it if it fuckin’ kills me. It’s what’s best for Alexa. Taking care of her, both parents loving and providing for her, are all that matter right now.
Even though at the moment, I want to smack my husband upside his head.
United front.
Flashing a tight smile, I curl my fingers around his and let Uncle Rock lead us into the war room. I’m shocked he’s letting us use the sacred MC table for family business, but he ushers us inside and shuts the door. Rock and Marcel take what I assume are their regular seats.
Axel and I sit across from my brother. Hope hovers behind Rock’s chair, unsure or unwilling to take a side. I kind of wanted her to be my moral support, since at the moment, I’d rather junk-punch my husband than lean on him.
Rock points at my brother. “What’s going on?”
Marcel glares at Rock—his president—in a way I’ve never seen him do before. “You don’t need to involve yourself in this, Rock.”
Rock’s eyes narrow. “I’m not getting involved. I’m here to make sure things stay civil.” He nods at me. “For her sake. What I saw out there wasn’t helping anyone.”
Marcel relaxes a notch. His gaze skips right over Axel, landing on me. “Your husband informed me this morning that you’re moving to Alaska.”
Godfuckingdammit. I wasn’t aware the decision had been made by us. And Axel went ahead and told my brother without talking to me? Under the table, I give his leg a sharp pinch, but he doesn’t react at all.
“Then while we were discussing that”—he stops and clasps his hands together, swallowing hard—“he said something about how I abandoned you at Grams’s and that she hurt you.” He almost chokes on that part, and I want to run around the table and wrap my arms around him. I never, ever blamed my brother for what my grandmother did. My mother? Absolutely. She knew what would happen when she left me there.
Why Axel felt he had the right to talk about this with my brother is beyond me. I’m so angry, so frustrated, heat sears my skin and tears fill my eyes. “It’s not your fault,” I choke out.
“So it’s true?” Marcel asks.
Warm arms gently wrap around my shoulders. Hope. She doesn’t try to fill the silence with useless sympathetic words, just hugs me. When I don’t think I’m in danger of crying any more, I tip my head back and thank her. She pulls out the chair next to me and sits.
“What did she do to you?” Marcel asks.
I shoot a glare at my husband before answering. “It doesn’t matter. She’s gone. I’m fine and have bigger things to worry about now.”
“Why Alaska?” Rock asks.
Axel squirms in his seat. “I got offered a good job on an oil rig—”
“In Alaska,” Marcel growls.
“Simmer down,” Rock says without looking at my brother. “Cain told me he was keeping you on permanently.”
Yes, my idiot husband already has a damn good job. A job that Rock went out of his way to help Axel land. So what my husband’s doing feels a lot like spitting in my family’s face.
“He did offer. But this job will pay almost double what I make there and the benefits are really good. We can use the extra money with the baby and all. It’s only for a year.”
“Yeah, and who’s going to help my sister with the baby when you’re out at sea for weeks at a time?” my brother asks. “How is she supposed to finish school in Alaska?
Axel shrugs and the urge to smack him returns. “She can take online classes.”
“Bullshit,” my brother snarls. “She can’t take her clinicals from fucking Alaska. She can’t finish her program in Alaska and get certified by New York State.”
“
She can transfer her credits up there.”
This is partially true. At least for the basics that I’ve completed so far: English, Psychology, Anatomy and Physiology, and History. But most likely, my Radiographic Positioning, Radiographic Physics, and the two clinicals I’ve already taken won’t transfer.
Axel knows this because we discussed it at length after I spoke to my adviser. This is the main reason I thought we had not made a decision on Alaska yet.
Marcel looks at me with a please-be-reasonable expression, and it almost makes me want to cave. My brother’s right. I’m furious with my husband right now, but I don’t know what to do.
“I’ll figure it out. Or I’ll just finish up my last year when we get back from Alaska. We’re only going for a year.”
“This is what you really want, Heidi?”
“It’s what’s best for my family.”
He throws his hands up in the air. Defeated. I hate myself for lying to my brother, yet again, but I don’t know what else to do.
My brother storms out of the war room and a few seconds later the front door slams shut. I choke down my anger, paste on a smile, and thank Rock for playing mediator.
Axel leans over and gives me a kiss. “See you upstairs?” The smile he’s wearing borders on smug, and I want to smack it off his face.
After he leaves, Hope takes my hand. “Are you sure you’re all right? You don’t have to leave right away. You could maybe let Axel go up first, scout out an apartment. You can stay here.”
“We have a guest room, Heidi, if you and the baby would be more comfortable at our house,” Rock offers.
“No. I—uh, I’ll be fine. Alexa should be where her dad is.”
Hope’s face screws into a scowl, but before she can say anything else, I slip my hand from hers. “Thank you both, for calming my brother down.”
I leave before they say anything else and run into Murphy in the living room. Alexa shrieks when she sees me and he holds her out. “She’s been looking for you, Mom,” he says as he hands her over.
“Thank you for watching her.”