“No problem.” His words are light, but when I look in his moss-green eyes, they’re empty and sad. “Are you really moving to Alaska?” he asks quietly.
“I don’t know for sure.”
“You husband seems pretty sure.”
I don’t have an answer, so I stare down at Alexa. Murphy stands and brushes his hand over Alexa’s head. “I’ll miss you if you go.”
I’m not sure if he’s speaking to me or the baby. But it’s all he says before he walks away.
Sighing, I trudge upstairs.
For the first time, I agree with my husband about the lack of privacy at the clubhouse, because I want to go into our room, close the door, and yell at him.
Instead, after setting Alexa in her crib, I drop down on the bed and stare at him. “How could you?”
Axel’s mouth twists into something a little too close to a smirk for my liking. “He had a right to know the truth.”
“Bullshit. You just wanted to hurt him and make him feel like shit.”
“He should feel like shit over what happened to you,” he says, not bothering to deny my accusation.
“It wasn’t his fault.” If I’d known Axel would react this way, I never would have told him all my secrets. “Besides, that’s not even what I’m upset about. We hadn’t decided on Alaska yet. Why are you acting like we did?”
“They upped the offer this morning.” He walks over and sits next to me, taking my hands in his. “They want me bad, Heidi. They’re willing to help us with some of the relocation expenses. This is a really big opportunity for me.”
“But—”
“You’re not ready to go back to school. You told me yourself, you hate leaving Alexa with anyone. Who’s going to watch her when you’re in class? Take the year off and re-enroll when we get back.”
“You still should have talked to me first.”
“I’m sorry. I was going to. I swear it, but it came up—”
I snort out a humorless sound, feeling like I’ve already lost this battle. “How exactly did Alaska come up in conversation with my brother?”
He waves the question away. “Come on. It’ll be fun. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve wanted to travel and see different places.”
“Yeah, I wanted to visit Alaska. Not live there permanently.”
“So think of it as a year’s vacation.”
Not that I feel like I have much choice, but I drop my resistance. Axel makes the move easy for me. He or his new employer arranges everything.
All I have to do is decide which stuff to bring with me and which stuff to leave behind.
“Hope, can I leave some boxes here?” I ask one afternoon as I’m going through my things.
“Of course you can, honey. Leave them on the shelf there, or if it’s clothes, store them in the closet.”
“Yeah, I doubt I’ll need shorts or sundresses up there,” I mumble, glancing down at my favorite pair of lavender shorts. “Not that I can fit back into these, anyway.”
Hope chuckles. “Heidi, you’re beautiful.”
I stop and glance down. “I’m okay with the bigger boobs. The bigger hips, not so much.”
Hope chuckles and from the doorway, someone clears their throat.
“Hey, Murphy,” Hope calls out. She waves him in and he stands inside the doorway looking uncertain.
“Need any help?”
“No. I think—well, maybe.” I point to a stack of boxes in the middle of the floor. “That stuff I want to ship up there.”
Hope checks her phone and stands. “I need to run back to my house for something.” Her gaze darts between Murphy and me as if she’s asking me if we’ll be okay.
“Thanks for your help.”
Murphy watches her go then turns to me. “So you’re really doing this?”
“Looks like it.”
He glances at Alexa. “Can she even fly at this age?”
“Doctor said it was okay. Axel found a new doctor up there, so at least I’m all set with that.”
“That’s good.” By the sound of his voice, none of this is good as far as he’s concerned. After a bit of silence, he tips his head up and focuses on me. “I hate that you’re going so far away.”
“Me too. But it’s just a year.”
“Is this really what you want, Heidi?”
“No.” Might as well be honest. I’m sick of lying to the people I care about all the time. “I’m trying to make the best of it. Who knows, maybe I’ll finally get to check out the Pan-American Highway.”
His head snaps back as if I’d sucker-punched him.
“It’s okay, Murphy. I’m excited, too. You know I’ve always wanted to see new places.”
“I—Yeah, okay.” He stares at me for a few more seconds, then taps one of the boxes with the side of his boot. “Where you want to ship these from? FedEx?”
It’s good that he moved to a more practical topic of conversation, because inside, I’m slowly unraveling. “I don’t know. Axel said there’s a freight service company in Seattle we can ship them to, and they’ll send it up from there? But I don’t think it’s enough stuff to do that.”
“I’ll figure it out for you.”
“Thanks. I’m going to have to buy so much crap when we get there.”
“Sounds like it.”
“Hey,” Axel says as he comes in the room. He sends a sharp look Murphy’s way before wrapping an arm around my waist. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing. Murphy was going to help me ship those boxes—”
Axel shoots a glare at Murphy. “I got it covered.”
Murphy’s eyes narrow and I catch his hand flexing into a fist, then opening again. “Sounds good. I’ll catch you two later.”
“Why was he in here?” Axel asks as soon as the door shuts behind Murphy.
“I told you why. Hope was here, too, but she had to go.”
“Oh, she was here?”
“Yes.”
That seems to calm him down. “Come on, let’s go down for dinner.”
Reluctantly, he follows behind me.
Since we announced our move, every meal we’ve shared in the dining room has been awkward. My brother’s anger seems to be simmering below the surface. Part of me misses being sheltered by my big brother and wants him to make this all go away. The rest of me says, You’re an adult, suck it the fuck up and do what’s right for your family.
I can’t stop wondering, is taking my daughter away from my bigger, extended family the right thing to do?
The club has welcomed Alexa with open hearts, and I hate taking her away from family.
“What are you planning to do with your car?” Murphy asks, jerking me out of my thoughts.
“I—uh, haven’t thought about it.”
“Sell it,” Axel says.
I barely manage not to glare at him. “I don’t want to sell it.”
“You can garage it here. I’ll make sure it gets taken care of,” Murphy assures me with a confident smile. “It’ll be all ready for you when you get back.”
My heart thumps at his offer. After, well…everything, he’s still my friend.
“You found new prospects?” Axel asks without lifting his gaze from his plate. It’s the first time anyone has remotely come close to mentioning Axel’s time as a prospect.
Murphy’s jaw ticks. He glances at me and back at my husband. “Nah, I got this. What are you doing with your Indian?”
That catches Axel’s attention and he lifts his head. “I put an ad in the Digest for it.”
“You can’t sell your bike,” I say and Axel shrugs.
“I’ll buy it,” Murphy offers.
Axel glares back. “We don’t need your charity.”
“It’s not charity,” Murphy answers calmly. “I like the bike. You don’t see many of them around. You did good work on it. You want to buy it back when you guys return, I promise not to gouge you too hard.”
My brother laughs and slaps Murphy’s arm. “Get in line. If he’s selling it
, I want a crack at it.”
The guys go on like that until they work something out. I think Axel’s actually relieved he found a home that he trusts for his bike. Or maybe that’s my wishful thinking.
After dinner, Marcel steers me into the kitchen and out the back door.
“You’re not planning to yell at me are you?” I ask.
He shakes his head and I hate how defeated he seems. “Marcel, everything’s going to be fine. This year will go by fast.”
“Yeah, exactly my problem. Alexa will probably be walking by then.”
Please, please, please, don’t do this to me, Marcel. Inside I’m crying because I’ve thought the same thing over and over. “I’ll come home and visit.”
“Yeah, listen.” He pulls an envelope out of his pocket and hands it over. “This is for you. I don’t want you trapped up there. Or dependent on him for everything. There’s more than enough money here to get you and the baby home.” I open it and find a debit card and a statement showing it’s linked to an account with a hefty amount of money already in it.”
“It’s in both our names, so it’s easier for me to make deposits,” he explains.
“Marcel—”
“I’m serious, Heidi. I hate you being so far away. Something ever happened, it’d take me for-fucking-ever to get to you.”
“Thank you.” I fold the envelope up and shove it in my pocket.
“If you need anything at all—I don’t give a shit what it is—you tell me. It’s not just you anymore. You have a baby now, and I don’t want you afraid to ask for something because you’re embarrassed or anything.”
“I won’t, I promise,” I whisper.
“You can also call me if I need to come up there and kick his ass.”
I snort, knowing he’d love any excuse to kick Axel’s ass. “Thank you so much for everything. You’re—” I can’t finish because I’m sobbing so hard. I want to tell him how sorry I am for making a mess of my life when he tried so hard to give me everything I needed to succeed.
“Please don’t cry, sis.” His raw voice makes me cry even harder. “I won’t be able to let you go if you cry,” he says, gathering me in his arms.
I squeeze him back and almost beg him not to let me go. I can’t imagine being away from my brother for a year. “You’ve always been the best brother a girl could have.”
Stop Signs and Red Lights
“You can’t whip your boob out for the whole flight,” Axel says low enough that no one should overhear him. It’s still annoying, though.
“She’s a baby. The sucking will help with the pressure changes.”
“Oh.”
“And my boob isn’t out.”
“I’m just jealous.”
“I think you’re nervous,” I tease.
“Probably. I’ve never been on this long a flight.”
“Well, I’ve never flown at all, so I’m freaking terrified.”
He chuckles and slides his hand over my leg. After a few minutes, he leans over. “Is she okay?”
“So far so good.”
Lucas and Penny meet us at the airport and we follow them to our new apartment building. They’d done some of the legwork finding a place for us that happens to be right next door to them.
“Just like home,” Lucas jokes.
It’s actually a nice place. Bigger than our apartment back home. I’m trying to keep an open mind about everything.
About a week later, we’re barely settled into the new place when Axel has to leave for his first shift.
“Drive me out to the office, so you can have the truck while I’m gone.” We’d spent a fortune shipping Axel’s truck up here so we at least had one vehicle.
We meet Lucas and Penny in the hallway. Lucas is pumped up for the trip. “You’re going to love it, Axel. Long hours but, well, you’ll see.”
We end up following Lucas’s truck. “Are you nervous?” I ask.
“A little.”
“Promise you’ll be careful?”
“Promise.” He leans over and kisses my cheek. He turns and pinches Alexa’s toes, making her kick and let out a bunch of happy baby sounds.
“Shit. This is harder than I thought.”
I’m not sure what to say to that. It never occurred to him he might miss his family?
After the guys take off, Penny runs over, jumping up and down. “We’re going to have so much fun while the boys are away.”
I let out a humorless snort. “Doing what?”
“There’s this awesome club that—”
“Penny, I have a baby. I can’t go clubbing.”
She glances inside the truck at Alexa. “Oh, yeah. Well, we’ll find you a sitter or something.”
Yeah, no thanks.
Later that night, I discover what Penny means by having “fun.”
Our living room wall is on the other side of their bedroom wall. And since Lucas is away with my husband on an oil rig, I don’t know who’s helping her bang the headboard into the wall, but it goes on for so long, I have to go to bed to get away from the noise.
The next morning, she doesn’t say anything. I’m not sure what to say either, so I don’t.
During this time of year here, there’s maybe six hours of daylight. It’s freezing. People keep telling me it’s not that much colder than upstate New York is in the winter. But those twenty-five to fifty degree differences are a lot.
The worst though? The short days. Alexa and I barely leave the apartment. Since one of the reasons Axel dragged us up here is the high-paying job, it’s unfortunate he didn’t take into account the higher cost of living. Or the probationary period where he’s earning a lot less than we budgeted for. I run through our money pretty fast each month just paying our rent, buying groceries, and diapers.
And that’s our routine for the next few months. Axel’s out on the oil rig for two weeks and home for one. Without Alexa, I doubt I’d bother to crawl out of bed most days.
By month three, I’m ready to snap. Underneath it all, I’m angry with myself for letting Axel talk me into moving here.
My life feels like the hardest road I’ve ever traveled, and there doesn’t seem to be a beautiful destination in sight.
I’m not sure why I’m in Rock and Hope’s old room or what I’m looking for. I just know that since Hope casually mentioned Heidi stored a bunch of stuff in there before she left for Alaska, I’ve been curious.
Four large cardboard boxes take up two of the bookshelves in the corner. One with a tiny heart with a B in the middle catches my attention, so that’s where I start. There’s no other writing indicating what’s in it.
Inside, I find two smaller boxes. One’s plain. The other is covered in drawings and doodled words. I recognize Heidi’s handwriting right away and a soft chuckle eases out of me. That laughter turns to surprise when I pull the lid off and find the box stuffed with things I’d given Heidi over the years. Her animal figurines are all neatly wrapped in bits of cloth. But that’s not what yanks the air out of my lungs. It’s all the other little things. Postcards I’d sent her, stubs from movies I’d taken her to, seashells I brought back for her after my first run to Florida. The little notes I used to stick in her lunch bags, birthday cards, all these small personal things she’s kept forever. There are also nuts, bolts, and screws I assume she swiped from the garage for reasons only Heidi knows.
At the bottom are a bunch of photographs. I can’t even look at them right now or I’ll lose it.
I should stop. These are her personal things. She’d be furious if she knew I was poking through them. As I’m about to put everything back, a small notebook catches my attention.
Childish handwriting. Then more mature, neat, cursive writing spells out dozens of different variations of “Mrs. Blake O’Callaghan,” “Heidi O’Callaghan,” and “Heidi Whelan-O’Callaghan” all over the outside cover. More signatures are scrawled over the inside cover. “Mrs. Murphy O’Callaghan” surrounded by a bunch of doodled shamrocks is probably
my favorite.
It’s the sweetest, most painful thing I’ve ever seen, because now she’s Mrs. Ryan.
I consider going up to Alaska and dragging her home. But I’m not sure what that will accomplish.
I know she thinks she’s doing the right thing for her daughter.
I still miss her as much as the day she left. Although having her here with him hurt, at least I was able to see her every day.
The clubhouse feels empty without Alexa’s four a.m. squeals. And there’s no glimpse of Heidi’s shiny brown ponytail when I hit the dining room in the morning.
I’ve been such a moody prick, everyone pretty much steers clear of me.
Everyone except Marcel, who can’t seem to let me suffer in peace.
On my way out of Hope’s room, he stops me. “What’re you doing?”
“Nothing. Checking on some stuff.”
He levels one of his challenging looks at me. “Come on, Blake. I know—I understand how you feel about—”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I snap, cutting him off and then completely contradicting myself when I ask, “Have you heard from her?”
“Yeah, she texts me every day.”
“Is she okay?”
“I guess. Hard to tell, you know?”
I grunt and try to sidestep him, but he blocks my path.
“Come out for a ride with us.”
“No, thanks. It’s forty-five fucking degrees out.”
“Yeah, but the roads are clear. Come on. I’m taking Mariella out on the bike.”
“Really? She wants to go?”
“She asked.”
That cheers me up a bit. Mariella’s sweet and she’s been a big help around the clubhouse, but she’s also terrified to ever leave the property. Marcel’s been trying to coax her into a ride for a while now.
“You guys have fun. Be careful with her.”
“You know it.” He gives me a slap on the shoulder and heads downstairs.
A few hours later, I regret not going with them.
Some roads can’t be found without getting lost.
My phone vibrating across the nightstand wakes me up. “Who the fuck is calling at six in the morning?” I grumble as I roll over and grab my phone.