“He loved you, Heidi. I know you two were having problems.” I raise an eyebrow, surprised Axel expressed our issues to anyone. Lucas squeezes my hand. “He didn’t know how to deal with being a dad. But he loved you both. Every time you texted him a picture, he’d run around and show everyone ‘his girls.’”
So much for not crying and snotting all over myself. “Thank you,” I whisper when I can finally force some words out.
“When are you leaving?”
“Tonight.”
“Good. My parents are going to try to get me transferred to a hospital at home, when I can travel.”
“Let me know as soon as you’re back so I can come see you.”
His eyelids drop and his voice is much weaker than it was a few minutes ago. “Bring Alexa with you?”
“I will.”
I give his hand another quick squeeze before leaving.
“How’d it go?” Murphy asks while we’re waiting for the elevator.
I choke down a sob. “Not great.”
He wraps his arm around my shoulders, offering support. After a few minutes, I’m able to spit out part of why I’m so mad. “Penny ditched him. He’s better off. She cheated on him all the time. But still.”
The doors open, and he ushers me inside. “I’m sorry.”
“He’s such a good guy. He didn’t deserve that.”
The rest of the afternoon goes by swiftly, yet in slow motion. I’m a robot as I take a last walk through the apartment. Too many emotions overwhelm me as we leave. I don’t know which one beats stronger in my chest. Anger with Axel for taking this stupid job? Guilt because I’m so damn happy to go home?
The one thing I’m sure of? I’m terrified of what happens next.
I’m a wreck the day of Axel’s funeral. I haven’t slept much since we returned to New York. To be honest, I haven’t slept since that first phone call.
After a week of waiting and getting the runaround from Axel’s company, I was told due to the special gear required by Axel’s below-deck job, they found “remains.” No one explained what specifically that meant, but the gruesome images my head came up with haunt me all day, every day.
While we were packing up the apartment, I was asked to turn over some of Axel’s things for DNA testing and the remains were determined to be his.
Axel’s parents have fought me on everything since the official word about their son’s death was made public. Axel and I never exactly discussed things like funeral arrangements. Who thinks about that stuff when you’re nineteen and twenty-one years old? His parents already have burial plots picked out for themselves, and that’s where they want to put their only son.
Given how little there is to bury, I don’t think it makes a lot of sense, but it seems like a horrible thing to quibble over, so I don’t object.
Besides, it’s not as if I have something better in mind.
When we returned to New York, I realized Alexa and I had nowhere to go. Axel and I had given up our apartment when we moved. My brother had moved out of his apartment and was still in his rehab facility re-learning how to walk. It wasn’t even a question for Hope, though. She and Rock took me back into their house and set me up in the guest room I stayed in last time. Hope and Rock stepped in a few times when Axel’s parents got too demanding. I don’t know what I’d do without them.
I haven’t seen Murphy since we got back from Alaska. But then again, I haven’t wanted to see anyone.
I’m angry. Boiling mad. About everything. Confused as hell about what I should do next with my life. The only thing that gets me out of bed every morning is Alexa. Every day, I wake up, take a deep breath, and listen for sounds of what she’s up to. I see Axel every time I look at my baby girl, it hurts, but I fall in love with her all over again. Nothing matters except doing the right thing for her.
If only I knew what that was.
Today, I dress her in a black velvet jumper with footies. Probably meant for taking happy holiday photos—not for attending funerals. I found it on clearance. It came with a matching black velvet hat, which is good because it’s a cold day.
On the way to the funeral, I sit with Alexa in the back of Rock’s SUV and try to convince her to keep the hat on.
News of Axel’s death must have spread. The parking lot of the funeral home is full of motorcycles. Lost Kings here to show their support.
I burst into tears when I see them.
When we step inside the funeral home, Trinity takes Alexa from me and pulls the diaper bag out of my hands. Hope never leaves my side.
Axel’s parents barely speak to me. His mother glares at each biker who approaches and offers condolences.
It’s a bitterly cold day at the gravesite. Too cold for the long service his parents planned. Alexa starts screaming. I think she’s had enough of the cold, too.
“Heidi, why don’t I take her back to the clubhouse, so you don’t have to worry?” Trinity asks.
“That’s probably better. Thank you.”
“No problem.” She embraces me and I kiss Alexa’s cheek. “There are bottles and stuff in her bag,” I remind Trinity before she leaves. I haven’t been able to nurse my daughter since before we left Alaska. Another thing that makes me feel like a failure. The doctors and counselors had stressed over and over the importance of breast-feeding, and now I can’t even do that.
“Where is that girl taking Alexa?” Axel’s mother snaps at me.
Now you care about your granddaughter?
“That’s my friend and she’s taking Alexa home.” My hands twist nervously in front of me to keep warm. I forgot gloves. “It’s too cold for her to be out here.”
His mother’s eyes zero in on my hand. “You should give that back.”
“What?”
She points at my left hand. “My mother’s ring.”
“My engagement ring?” I ask stupidly, unable to follow this woman’s logic.
“Yes. It belongs in the family.”
I’m so utterly confused by her words. “It is.”
“My family. It should go to Annabelle’s daughter when she’s older. Not you.”
I don’t have a response. I’m too stunned and hurt.
Luckily, Hope’s full of words. She wraps her arm around my shoulders and squeezes. “Mrs. Ryan. That ring legally belongs to Heidi. Axel gave it to her in contemplation of marriage. They married. You don’t have any claim on it. It will go to their daughter when she’s older.”
Mentioning Alexa reminds me of how Axel gave me the ring. As an afterthought when I told him I was pregnant. What kind of story is that to tell my daughter? Hey, when your dad couldn’t talk me into an abortion, he proposed.
“No.” I twist the ring off my finger. “Here. Take it.”
Hope tries to stop me. “Heidi, she has no right—”
“No. I don’t want to think about you every time I look at it,” I snap, throwing the ring at Mrs. Ryan. “Just so you know, he was planning to give it to me after graduation. Whether I’d been pregnant or not, we still would have gotten married.” I don’t know if that last part is true exactly. Axel said he wanted to give me the ring after he graduated, but if I hadn’t gotten pregnant would we have even been together by then?
I’m so angry. I want to lash out at someone. I want to scream at her. She might think I’m biker trash who lured her son to the dark side, but at least my “trashy” family loves me and came here to support me, when her precious daughter couldn’t be bothered to fly home for the funeral of her only sibling.
Mr. Ryan stoops down to pick up the ring. “How dare—”
Rock steps up next to me. “Enough. I know you’re hurting, but you have no business taking it out on her,” he says calmly. “I knew your son pretty well. He loved Heidi. He wouldn’t want her treated this way.”
Mrs. Ryan glares at him. “She ruined his life. He’s dead because—”
Rock holds his hand up, stopping her. “Stop right there. I’m telling you politely to have some dignity fo
r the sake of your son.” He lowers his voice and leans in. “But if either of you say another word to upset Heidi, I’ll personally escort you out.” He puts enough menace behind the words that Axel’s parents snap their mouths closed and move away from us.
“I’m sorry, Heidi-girl,” he says, turning me to face him. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. Thank you. I didn’t know what to do.” I glance out to the parking lot and catch my brother’s truck pulling in. Seeing it feels like a baseball bat to the stomach. I’ve been so miserable since returning home, I haven’t visited my brother nearly enough.
There’s only one other person Marcel would allow to drive his truck.
Murphy.
I’m flooded with emotions. Each one dark and painful.
“I’ll be right back,” I say over my shoulder.
Hope calls out to me, but I’m already running toward where Murphy’s helping my brother out of the truck and into a wheelchair. It hurts so much seeing my brother like this. I know it must be killing him to depend on others for something so basic. Tears cloud my vision. Mrs. Ryan’s accusation echoes in my head. My anger with Axel for moving us to Alaska and lying to me—something I haven’t been able to admit to anyone yet—stirs inside of me.
All these agonizing emotions strangle me, stealing my breath. I feel so helpless. So frustrated and so damn angry.
A burning ball of anguish fills my chest as I watch Murphy pushing my brother’s wheelchair over the rough ground.
My brother shouldn’t be in a wheelchair.
Axel should be alive.
My feet slap painfully against the hard ground as I run to meet them.
“Why are you even here, Murphy?” I shout.
His head snaps up. “What?”
Marcel reaches up and grabs my hand. “Hey, baby sis. Calm down.”
“Calm down?” I throw my glare at Murphy. “You hated Axel. You drummed him out of the club. We never would have been up there in the first place—”
“Heidi!” my brother snaps, jerking my arm to get my attention. “That’s enough.”
Painful sobs tear my throat apart. My heart’s throbbing with so much anger and hurt, I don’t know where to put it or how to make it stop. Shame slithers over my skin. I hate myself for every awful word I flung at Murphy.
“Heidi,” Hope says, wrapping her arm around my shoulders and steering me back to the funeral. I’m so ashamed of my behavior, I bury my face against her coat and cry. She walks us to the front row and sits us down. Rock’s on my other side. He settles his arm over the back of my chair, embracing both of us. For comfort and probably to keep me in place so I don’t cause another scene.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
Hope tips her head down and smiles through her tears. “I know you are, sweetheart. It’s okay.”
But, it’s not okay. Nothing is okay.
Heidi’s words sting.
Because I wonder if there’s any truth to them.
Mostly her words burn because I know she’s hurting. She’s way too young to be dealing with any of this. She was dealt a shitty set of parents and had a rough childhood because of it. Things should be easier for her now. But they’re not.
She’d been such a robot those last days in Alaska, she scared me. I’m glad she’s finally showing some emotion. Even if it is by screaming at me in the parking lot.
“I’m sorry, bro,” Teller says, reaching up to grab my hand.
“It’s fine. She’s upset.”
“She didn’t mean it.”
I’m dealing with my own shit today. Picking my best friend up from his rehabilitation facility and wheeling him around is fucking with me. Inside, I’m shredded raw. Outside, I’m trying to stay upbeat and positive for him. I’m terrified his condition may be permanent, but I don’t dare voice my fears to anyone. Afraid then it will become real.
Worse, I know how much he hates being seen out in public like this. Weak. If it wasn’t for Heidi, he would have stayed in bed and told me to go fuck myself when I came to pick him up.
“You feeling all right?” I ask. A dangerous question. Even with me, he’s touchy about his condition.
“I’m fine, dick.”
I smack him in the back of the head for that comment. I mean, he won’t get better if I baby him, right?
“Ow. It’s not nice to beat up the disabled, you know.”
“You’re not disabled, you fuck. You’re temporarily out of commission.”
He lets out a dark chuckle and points to the back row. “Park us back here.”
Dex and Swan join us and fuss over Teller, which I know makes him even more uncomfortable. My mind wanders to Heidi. Up front. With her head on Hope’s shoulder. Rock has an arm around both of them. That’s good. They’ve taken such good care of her since we got home. Rock gives me an update on Heidi almost every day because I felt it was better to keep my distance.
Across the aisle, Axel’s stone-hard parents sit, glaring at everyone.
While Swan’s still catering to Teller, Dex leans over. “I take back everything I ever said about Axel being uptight. Those parents of his are two of the coldest fish I’ve ever met.”
“Yeah. Dealt with them up in Alaska.”
“Did you hear the shit they said to Heidi? I’m surprised Rock didn’t kill that mother. What a piece of work.”
“No. What happened?”
He gives me a brief rundown that makes my blood bubble and my fists flex. I’ve never hit a woman. Axel’s mother may be my first.
The service is long. As soon as there’s a break, Teller asks to go.
“You don’t want to stay and talk to your sister?”
He glares at me.
“Okay. Okay. Let’s go.”
In the truck, he explains he’s not feeling well, and I know it killed him to admit it, so I just nod and drive him back.
When I finally make it to the clubhouse, it’s virtually empty. Wrath’s truck’s in the yard, so he’s here somewhere. I don’t go looking for him, though.
Usually, I can’t stand being alone.
But right now, I can’t stand the thought of being around anyone.
I need to do this before I lose my nerve. Or fall asleep.
I’m wrung out and exhausted, ready to crawl into bed and not come out for a month.
After checking on Alexa, I hike up the clubhouse stairs. This trip has never seemed so long before.
Outside Murphy’s door, I hesitate. What if he’s with someone?
Stop making excuses and apologize.
He answers after the third knock, looking as worn out as I feel.
“Hey, Bug.” His gaze roams over me, concern etched on his face. He’s still worried about me, even though I acted so horribly before.
I open my mouth, but instead of an apology a harsh sob bursts out.
He pulls me into his arms, against his chest, holds me tight and lets me cry. “I’m so sorry,” I cry the words into his shirt.
“What’re you sorry for?” With my face mashed up against his chest, I hear and feel his softly spoken question.
Is he serious? I wriggle away enough to stare up at his face. “For yelling at you at the funeral. I’m sorry. After his parents—and my brother and…I’m sorry. I never should have taken everything out on you. You’re my—I—you helped me out so much. I don’t know what I would have done without you. I’m so sorry,” I babble all the words out and cry some more.
His chest rises as he pulls in a long breath. There’s no hint of the smile I’m used to when he opens his mouth. “Heidi, I’m always here for you, no matter what. You take whatever you want out on me.”
My jaw drops and I squeak out, “Blake.”
He pulls me against him again. “It’s okay,” he reassures me while rubbing his hand over my hair and down my back.
“I didn’t mean any of it.”
“I know you didn’t.” He holds me tighter and I’m still so chilled from the funeral, I cling to him, soaking in his warm
th. We stay like that, him holding me while I cry, rocking us from side to side, until I settle down.
“Where’s my brother?” I finally ask.
“I brought him back early. He wasn’t doing too good.”
“Oh, shit. I should go see him.”
“Let him rest today. I’ll take you to see him tomorrow if you want. Maybe give him a call later and let him know how you’re doing.”
“I will.”
“Where’s Alexa?” he asks before I fumble out any more words.
“Downstairs with Wrath and Trinity,” I whisper.
One corner of his mouth lifts into a smirk. “Come on. I want to say hi to her. Can’t have Wrath being her favorite uncle.”
He’s trying to make me laugh, but I’m still too torn up. Instead, I let him guide me down the stairs.
Alexa’s happy baby giggles ease some of the pain in my heart. Although when I see why she’s making all the noise, I’m a little less enthused.
Wrath stops his game of airplane and settles Alexa against his chest, which makes her squeal and kick in frustration. “Don’t worry, Mom, I was hanging on to her tight.”
“I know. I saw you.” Wrath’s big and scary to everyone else, but I trust him completely with my daughter.
“Training for your own?” Murphy jokes.
Trinity wrinkles her nose. “Bite your tongue.” Yeah, Trinity’s much more interested in playing auntie than mommy.
“Thank you for watching her today.”
“No problem,” Trinity says as she passes Alexa to me. “Things looked intense with your mother-in-law.”
I roll my eyes and drop down onto the other couch, keeping Alexa on my lap. She leans and wiggles trying to get Murphy to pick her up, and eventually I hand her over to him. My bare ring finger catches my attention.
“I can’t believe I let her take my ring.”
The three of them stare at me. “She did what?” Wrath asks.
My shoulders lift. I don’t feel any sense of loss over the ring. More disbelief that I let that awful woman bully me into giving it to her. “It was his grandmother’s, so I guess his mom felt like she was entitled to it.”
“That’s bullshit,” Trinity says. “You should have Hope talk to her. That ring should go to Alexa.”