“Are you sure you don’t have other stuff to do? I’m fine on my own, I swear.” It’s a lie, but I can’t stand the thought of him being here with me out of pity.
“Is it really so unbelievable that I want to spend time with you?”
“No. I just meant if you’d rather hang at the clubhouse, I won’t be offended.”
“I don’t think the clubhouse is a good place for the baby.”
“I meant, you know, without me.”
“Why would I want to be without you?” The words aren’t said in an innocent, questioning way. He says it more like a challenge.
Unsure of what he’s looking for, I struggle to answer, “I…I don’t know.”
He slips his arms around my shoulders. “You think too much. Always worried about the wrong things.”
“What should I worry about?”
“Picking out a movie for us to watch.”
The Fast and the Furious seems like a safe choice. Man candy for me, fast cars for him. He snorts when the movie starts but doesn’t comment on my pick. “Why’re you all the way over there?”
“I don’t know.”
He pats the cushion next to him, and I move a little closer. “What’s gotten into you? You used to sit in my lap, or on my shoulders, or on my feet when we watched movies. Couldn’t keep you off me.”
“Yeah, when I was a kid. You don’t want me hanging all over you now.”
He chuckles, but his voice is soft, almost soothing. “You don’t know jack about what I want.”
I slide over a few more inches and he wraps his arm around me, pulling me to his side. “I’m cold.”
He whips the blanket off the back of the couch and arranges it over me. “Better?”
I murmur a yes and settle my head against his shoulder. One of his hands strokes over my hair, lulling me half to sleep.
“You falling asleep on me?” he asks in a low voice.
“Mmmhhmm.”
He shifts and my eyes pop open to find him staring at me.
“What’s wrong?”
One of his large hands cups my face. “Nothing. I like looking at you.” His intense gaze tells me there’s so much more to his words. I’m lost in the tingling sensation of his palm against my skin. His forehead touches mine, and he inhales heavily. “You know how much I love you?”
I pull in a deep breath and stare into his familiar green eyes, watching me with so much love. “I love you, too.” The words pop out with no thought on my part. I’ve loved him my entire life.
His lips smooth over mine, eliciting a gasp of surprise. He uses it to slide his tongue against mine, so soft, warm, and sweet. His hand slips into my hair, holding my head, so he can take our kiss deeper.
My head swims in confusion and excitement.
Blake keeps kissing me with all the passion of a man who knows exactly what he wants. He nips at my bottom lip, presses his tongue against mine, and groans into my mouth. His hand drops to my waist, tugging at me. The position is awkward, and I think I know what he wants. I sit up, not breaking our kiss, tossing off the blanket and throw my leg over him. His hands move to my hips, making me straddle his lap. He adjusts his position, sliding down a bit. The movement pushes what has to be a very large erection against me, and I moan. All control leaves my mind, and I rock against him.
His hands slide up my thighs, to my back and under my shirt. His warm, rough hands on my skin leave goose bumps. I rub myself against him even harder, and his kisses become more urgent. His breathing grows harsher.
Alexa screams bloody murder, yanking us out of the moment.
I groan in disappointment as I pull away. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he answers in a hoarse voice.
“I’ll be right back,” I promise.
“I’ll be here.”
I groan as I watch Heidi hurry away.
My mouth still burns from her sweet kisses. Part of me still can’t believe I finally had her in my arms.
The guilt I expected doesn’t come. Lord knows, if Heidi didn’t want to be kissed, she’d let me know. Considering how much and for how long I’ve wanted her, I’m surprisingly calm. I do have to sit up and adjust myself, though, then stop myself from following her into the bedroom and finishing what we started.
If I want to be with her—and who am I kidding, there’s no if about it—I better get used to interruptions like this.
She walks down the hallway, carrying a teary-faced, pissed-off Alexa, who’s still screaming and waving her fists. “I know, baby. I know.” Heidi shushes and coos at her daughter, while taking her into the kitchen. Since most of Hope and Rock’s downstairs is an open floor plan, I track Heidi as she goes from the refrigerator to the counter. “Do you need help?” I call out.
“Nope. I got it. I’ll be right there. Do you need anything while I’m out here?”
Yeah, ‘cause she needs to be fetching shit for me while she’s taking care of her baby. “I’m fine.”
Alexa’s eager to be fed when Heidi returns to the living room and finally calms down when the bottle touches her lips.
“Someone was hungry,” I say, watching the two of them.
“I know. I probably should have woken her up to eat before, but she looked so peaceful,” she whispers. Her eyes never leave Alexa’s face while she feeds her. And my eyes never leave Heidi.
“You can put the movie back on,” Heidi suggests.
“Nah, I’m fine.” The two of them seem to light up my whole world, and I don’t want to look away.
Heidi pops the bottle out of Alexa’s mouth and shifts her so she can pat her back.
“So, anyone can feed her now?” I ask.
She raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“The bottle?” I wave my hand in the air, because I really don’t know what I’m asking.
Pink spreads over her cheeks. “Yes, it’s formula.”
She goes back to feeding the baby, and when they’re finished, Heidi hesitates. “Do you want me to take her?” I ask.
“Do you mind? I want to toss this in the dishwasher and change my shirt.”
“Yeah, hand her over.”
Alexa squeals and claps her little hands on either side of my face. “Got a full belly now, baby?” I ask and she makes the funniest shriek-giggling noises in response, so I ask her more questions.
“She likes when you talk to her,” Heidi says quietly as she sits back down next to us.
“You always did, too. I’d come over after school and tell you all about my day. Best part was you couldn’t share my secrets with anyone.” I said it as a joke, but Heidi doesn’t laugh.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, settling Alexa against my chest. She coos in my ear and drools on my neck. Heidi apologizes and hands me a cloth.
“I can take her now if you want,” she says after I adjust Alexa in my arms.
“I’m fine. What’s wrong? You seem upset.”
“We almost…was that okay?”
“It was better than okay.” I watch Heidi for a few seconds, taking in her pink cheeks, dark brown eyes, and the way she can’t keep her hands still. Reaching over, I cover her hands with mine. “There’s absolutely nothing to be sorry about. I meant what I said.”
She stares at me as if trying to remember my words, so I help her out. “I love you.”
“How?”
“I never stopped.”
“Even when I was…When I was so…far away?”
I’d do anything to ease the pain shimmering in her eyes. Will my words will help or make it worse? “Even then. It’s going to take more than a few miles between us for me to stop loving you.”
“Murphy.” She sighs.
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Don’t distance yourself by using my road name. Not now.”
Her eyes widen as if it never occurred to her that’s what she was doing. “I’m sorry.”
I hold my free arm up for her to curl under and she does.
I flip the television back on low, and after a while, I realize she’s fallen asleep.
In my arms I have everything I’ve ever wanted and a feeling of peace settles over me. If this is the reward, I can wait as long as she needs me to.
My thumb rubs over her cheek. “We’ll finish that kiss later.”
Sometime after the movie ends, the door opens and Hope breezes into the house. “Oh,” she whispers loudly. “I didn’t realize you were here, Murphy.” Rock follows, stripping off her coat and hanging it in the closet.
“Everything okay?” she asks, approaching us with a smile on her face.
I wiggle the arm holding Alexa. “My arm might have fallen asleep.”
She smiles when she sees Heidi’s face pressed against my leg. “Long day?”
I run my hand over her hair, brushing it off her cheek. “Yeah, we spent time with Marcel.”
Rock joins us and gently lifts Alexa from me. “I’ll stick her in her crib.”
“Where you two been?” I ask Hope.
“Rock picked me up from my office and took me out.”
“Heidi made dinner. It’s in the fridge for you guys.”
Hope nods but doesn’t move. “She’s getting antsy about doing more stuff around here.”
“You guys still okay with her being here?”
Hope frowns at me. I don’t think she appreciated the question. “Of course we are. She can stay here as long as she wants. When she’s ready to go back to school, we’ll work something out for Alexa.”
“Thanks.”
She sits back in her chair, lacing her fingers over her stomach. “What are your plans?”
“What do you think?”
The corners of her mouth curl into a smile.
“Unless you think it’s too soon?” I know when Hope’s first husband passed away, Rock forced himself to wait a respectable amount of time before pursuing her, so I’m genuinely curious about her opinion.
“It’s really up to her,” she says.
Rock joins us, moving Hope and sitting back down, pulling her into his lap. “Anyway,” she says, tapping Rock’s arm. “You two have known each other your whole lives, so—”
“Christ, I don’t want to be her option B because she’s comfortable and being with me is the easy thing to do.” Actually, as I say it, I realize, I don’t care.
“Murphy,” Hope says and I sense the hurt in her voice immediately. “That’s not what I meant at all. And I don’t think she would ever feel that way about you. I meant, no one would question it if you got together now or a few months from now or whatever.”
I jerk my chin at Rock. “You’re awfully quiet, prez.”
“You want relationship advice from me? Follow her lead.”
“I feel like if I wasn’t here, your advice would be different,” Hope teases.
He snakes his arms around her tighter, kissing her cheek. “Yeah? Sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do when he’s got a stubborn woman. That what you meant?”
She snort-giggles and Heidi stirs.
“Stop, you’re going to wake her up,” Hope scolds Rock, who ignores her protests and kisses her neck.
“I’m awake,” Heidi mumbles.
I raise an eyebrow at Hope. How much of our conversation did Heidi overhear?
She sits up slow and blinks a few times. Her gaze settles on me and she smiles, like she’s happy to find me still here.
“Hey,” she says.
“How was your brother when you saw him?” Rock asks.
Heidi gives him the details and after we talk some more, Hope and Rock go upstairs, leaving us alone on the couch together.
I want nothing more than to finish our kiss, but I think right now, it’s better to give her some space. “Walk me out?” I ask, standing and holding my hand out to her.
“I’m sorry I fell asleep on you,” she says as she follows me to the front door.
“It’s okay.”
“Blake?”
I turn and face her.
“Did you mean it?”
I don’t need to ask. “Yeah, beautiful. I meant it. Your little fingerprints have been all over my heart since the day we met.”
Her jaw drops.
I lean over and give her a kiss on the forehead. “It’s late. Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I have all night to think over the bit of conversation I overheard. Blake thinks he’s second best? That I’d settle for him? When he’s the best person in my life and I don’t deserve him?
It hurts.
It hurts that I’ve hurt him.
The truth is ugly. The truth is that I never stopped loving him. If I’m going to be brutally honest with myself, Axel and I probably wouldn’t have made it together another year. The few sweet moments we had here and there don’t change the fact that I made a mistake marrying Axel when he clearly wasn’t happy about being a father.
I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did. We didn’t have as much in common as I always assumed we did.
Those are my truths. And they hurt. They’re unfair because Axel’s not here to dispute any of them.
None of that stops me from feeling guilty about kissing Blake last night.
No, not guilty about kissing him. Guilty about how much I liked kissing him. Overhearing the advice Hope gave him relieved a tiny portion of the guilt.
Confused and anxious, I wake early and dress Alexa to go visit my brother.
I find Hope awake in the kitchen. She’s really the only person I can talk to about all of this stuff. She lost her first husband young, too, so I know she understands.
“It’s not quite the same, honey. I didn’t have such a close-knit family or a daughter to pull me out of my grief,” she says when I attempt to explain my conflicted feelings.
She also wasn’t considering leaving her husband when he died. That’s the main reason I feel so guilty.
“Gettin’ ready to see that brother of yours, Heidi-girl?” Rock asks, joining us.
“Yup.”
“I’ll be down later this afternoon.”
“Thank you, Rock. Thanks for everything you do for him. And for me.” I get the words out without being all weepy.
Rock seems flustered by the thanks and Hope pats his arm. “We love you, Heidi,” she says.
I attempt a smile and a joke. “Even though I’ve always been a brat, Uncle Rock?”
His mouth pulls into a half-smirk. “Yeah, Heidi-girl. You were always a loveable little snot.”
Warmth fills my chest. While life may have handed me a shitty set of parents, I’ve been blessed with a wonderful brother and club family.
That warmth lessens as I hurry over to the clubhouse and buckle Alexa into her car seat. Guilt follows me as I sneak my car down the driveway. I can’t help it, though. I need time alone to think on the drive to Sunnyview.
“Where’s Murphy?” my brother asks when I enter his room.
“Home, I guess. I can’t keep bugging him.”
“I doubt you bug him.” He holds his hands out for Alexa. “Hi, baby,” he sing-songs to her. It’s funny to see my gloomy brother so head over heels for his niece.
Wrath and Trinity show up next. “You’re here early,” Wrath comments.
“Couldn’t sleep.”
While we’re hanging out, one of my brother’s doctors and the occupational therapist stop by. There’s still a number of things my brother needs help with, but since he’s been progressing well, they’re ready to let him go home by the end of the week. “If there are no stairs.”
Marcel starts shaking his head before the woman even finishes. “Nope. My room’s on the second floor.”
Wrath and Trinity share a look. “You can have our room. We’ll move back into Wyatt’s old room until the house is finished,” Trinity says. Wrath squeezes her hand, and I wonder if they discussed this ahead of time.
“Nah, it’s too isolated down there,” Marcel says.
The doctor seems annoyed my brother isn’
t more thrilled about going home. “Well, there’s always a Stairlift, but they’re expensive—”
“Doesn’t matter what the cost is, we just want him home if he can be home,” Wrath says. My brother shoots a glare Wrath’s way but doesn’t contradict him.
Violet takes Marcel down to the physical therapy room while the three of us hang back.
“I wish Rock would get his ass down here. He’s good at choking some sense into your hard-headed brother,” Wrath grumbles.
“I think you did okay,” I tease. “He just doesn’t want to look weak in front of everyone.”
“It’s a miracle the fucker’s alive after that accident. Weak isn’t how I’d describe him. Pain in the ass—”
Trinity smacks Wrath’s arm.
“What?”
Blake shows up while we’re waiting for my brother to come back. He nods at Wrath and Trinity, then lifts his chin at me. “Why’d you come by yourself?”
My shoulders lift and my gaze darts to Wrath and Trinity, who are pretending not to listen to our conversation. “I was up early.”
“So?”
I shrug again.
“Let’s go check on welterweight,” Wrath says, yanking Trinity up and out of the room.
“They think Marcel can come home at the end of the week. But he’s being difficult.”
“What’s new?” He takes a seat and pulls it around, so he can face me when he sits. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
His fingers gently grip my chin and turn me to meet his gaze. “Are you upset about last night?”
“No.” Lie. “Not exactly.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know how much I can give you right now, Blake.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Come on.”
“Heidi, I’m done. I’m done with any other girl but you. I know you’ve been through hell, so I’m not expecting anything. I’m leaving it up to you. When you’re ready, we’ll be together.”
A sigh of relief leaves me. “What if I—”
“You’re here!” Marcel shouts from the doorway. “Doc says I can go home at the end of the week.”
Murphy’s eyes close briefly, then he plasters a smile on and turns to face my brother. “That’s awesome, brother. Can’t wait.”