“Oh.” She hesitates and I brace myself for the I’m-with-Axel speech. “I can’t. I have classes…” she trails off.
Encouraged, I tap the back of her hand. “When’s your break?”
“Not until Thanksgiving. But that’s only like four days. Then winter break, but it’s probably too cold… Spring break is a whole week. Can you wait until March?”
“For you, I’d wait forever, Heidi.” Ain’t that the fucking truth.
She flashes a weak smile. “Where?”
“Dunno. Not enough time to do cross-country, but I’ll come up with something.”
“Cool. You think my brother will bring Mariella?”
Fuck. Nope. She didn’t get what I was asking at all.
“I don’t know what’s going on with them.”
Nervous laughter spills out of her. “They’re cute together, right?”
“Sure.”
“But you weren’t talking about a club run, were you?” she asks.
It must be spelled out all over my face that I was talking about a trip for two. “No.”
She nods slowly. “I’ll text you the dates when I get my spring schedule.”
“Okay.” Here’s where I should say something like, “What about your boyfriend?” Except, I don’t want to ruin whatever we just planned together. There’ll be plenty of time to figure out the details later. Right now I want to enjoy making plans with Heidi. Something I’ve been waitin’ to do a long damn time.
Noises from the front of the building reach us. The busload of kids from Empire High School getting dropped off.
“Should I let you get back to work?” Heidi asks.
I hate like fuck to have her leave, but I do need to get back inside and help Wrath. Trying to be a responsible adult sometimes sucks. Worse, I can’t let a brother down when he’s counting on me.
“Yeah. Wrath has me teaching the afternoon class.”
She stands. “I can’t picture you teaching.”
“No?”
“That’s not true. Actually, I bet you’re pretty good at it.”
“Thanks.”
I take her hand and walk her around the building to her car. “Thanks for stopping to see me.”
“Sure. Maybe next time I’ll bring you lunch or dinner or something?”
“I’d like that.” Warmth fills my chest as it sinks in that she’s planning to come visit again. I can’t help pulling her in for a hug. She feels so good pressed up against me. But I don’t try sneaking a kiss or anything else. Something shifted, changed for us today, and I don’t want to press my luck.
I watch her leave, feeling empty as her car disappears. Turning around, I find Wrath standing in the doorway.
“What’re you doing, Murphy?”
“I don’t know, brother.” I can’t wipe the grin off my face, though, and he shakes his head.
He doesn’t step back as I approach but pats my shoulder. “I hope you don’t end up gettin’ burned.”
“Me, too.”
What did I do?
Did I agree to go on a trip with Murphy? Did I make spring break plans with him?
Am I out of my mind?
It felt like the most natural thing in the world. The words just flew out of my mouth. Memories of plans we made when I was kid came back to me, and I realized I’m not a kid anymore. No one can stop me from taking a trip with Blake if I want to.
Except for the fact that I have a boyfriend.
What am I going to do?
Because I really, really want to go. That means I need to make a decision. Not today. But soon.
I can’t deny how I feel about Blake any longer.
My mind keeps wandering to our talk. How happy he seemed to see me. I took a gamble stopping by and it turned out okay.
As if my body remembers what my head forgot, I end up driving back to school. I have a couple hours in the library ahead of me. After texting my brother to let him know where I am, I get to work.
Three hours into my studying, I’m falling asleep in my stack of books.
“Heidi?”
I pick my head up, blinking to clear my sleepy eyes. “Axel?”
Concern clouds his face and he settles his hand over my shoulder. “Are you all right?”
My mouth feels gross. I run my tongue over my teeth and sit up straighter. “A little tired. I thought you were working?”
“I wanted to see you.” He runs his gaze over my face again. “You sure you’re okay?”
Why does everyone keep asking me that? “Yes,” I snap, then force a smile to take the sting out of my tone.
Axel doesn’t seem flustered by my moodiness. He never is. “You want to grab dinner?”
“Sure.”
“Taco Bell?”
My stomach twists and I groan. “Can we go somewhere else?”
He pats his pockets. “I only have a couple bucks.”
“I have money.”
He rolls his eyes and shakes his head. Any money I have comes from my brother and using it makes Axel uncomfortable.
“Never mind. Let’s go there. It’s close by.” I blink a few times to clear my eyes and pack up my books.
Outside, Axel curls his hand around mine and leads me to the parking lot.
“Car or bike?” he asks.
“Car, but you can drive. I feel like crap.”
He glances over, worry wrinkling his forehead. “You want me to take you home instead?”
“No. I’m probably just hungry. I haven’t eaten since early this morning.”
“How many times have I told you to stop doing that?” he scolds as he holds my door open.
My shoulders lift. “I forgot.” I’d been too giddy from my visit with Blake to think about food, but I don’t think that’s an explanation Axel wants to hear.
The drive is short and the place is packed. Cheap food next to a community college? Taco Bell’s parking lot is never empty.
Axel points at an empty table in the back corner. “Go grab a table, I’ll order.”
While I wait, I watch the crowd. Some kids I recognize from school. Most I don’t. It’s not like I spend much time socializing. If I’m not studying, I’d rather be with Axel or at the clubhouse with the family. Even though I dislike a lot of the stuff that goes on up there, I’m happy I’m allowed to hang out at the clubhouse more often. In a way, it reminds me of when I was little and Marcel would bring me to the old clubhouse. Those were happy times. Before my mother dumped me at my grandmother’s and ran off.
As I watch the people moving through the line, I wonder if I’d even recognize my mother if I saw her today.
Probably not. It’s not like it matters any way.
“Need anything else?” Axel asks as he sets down two trays.
A flash of blonde hair catches my eye. A girl way too pretty to be hanging out here. Tall, skinny, she looks like a freakin’ model and I realize I recognize her from my birthday party.
Murphy’s girlfriend or whatever she is. She’s with another girl, and they both study the menu vigorously before ordering.
I put my head down and play with my food.
“Do you want me to grab you something else?” Axel asks.
“No. I’m okay.” I nibble on my Crunchwrap to make him happy. I have sour cream dripping off my chin when a girl’s voice interrupts us.
“Hey, Heidi, right?” Serena asks.
Are you kidding?
I frantically swipe a napkin over my chin. “Yeah.”
“Oh, hi, Axel,” she says. Huh. They seem awfully familiar with each other.
I glance up at her again, waiting for her to introduce herself. For fuck’s sake, she’s even prettier up close. She looks like a frickin’ Barbie doll come to life and here I am one of those Little Miss Matched dolls.
She holds out one perfectly manicured hand. “Serena. I’m a friend of your brother’s. I saw you at your birthday party but didn’t get to say hi.”
“Sure. Yeah. Hi.”
“Mind if we join you??
??
Why the hell not?
I nod and she drops into the chair next to me.
Her friend slides into the booth next to Axel and he raises an eyebrow at me.
Serena eats like a dainty bird. It’s annoying. She’s all graceful and pretty and perfect. “So, do you know each other through the club?” she asks, nodding at Axel.
“No,” I answer a little sharper than I meant to. “We’ve been dating since high school. I introduced him to my uncle Rock.”
Her eyes widen and she sits back. “Oh.” She flashes a perfect smile. “That’s cool. So you know Murphy then, too?” she asks.
I’m really hating this chick right now.
“Yup. Known him my whole life.”
“Oh,” she says again. While she’s pretty, she’s not very articulate.
Just how Murphy and my brother probably like their muffler bunnies.
I glance at Axel and I swear he’s trying not to laugh.
This blows.
She asks me about school and then subtly tries to shift the conversation back to the MC. This isn’t the first time some club girl has tried to befriend me to get closer to my brother or Murphy.
“So how’d you meet my brother?” I ask.
“Oh, I used to hang out at the downstate charter. I actually know Murphy better.”
“I’m sure you do.”
She’s not put off by my sarcasm. “Now that I’m up here, I hope I’ll see him more.”
My throat tightens and my eyes water. Haven’t I cried over Murphy enough in my life? By sheer force of will, I push back any tears. I’m not embarrassing myself in front of this chick. Nor am I going to risk a fight with Axel if he sees me getting upset over Murphy.
Serena and her friend chatter about school, drawing Axel into their conversation. My stomach rolls.
“I’m ready to go,” I say, pushing my tray at Axel.
I can’t get up quick enough.
“Bye, Heidi. It was good to see you. Hopefully we can hang out sometime,” Serena calls out.
Not fucking likely. “Sure,” I say over my shoulder.
Axel’s still laughing as we climb in my car.
“Fun times,” he says with a smirk that’s not endearing. At all.
“What? She seems nice. She’s perfect for Murphy.”
Axel chuckles and puts the car in reverse.
We don’t have much to say as he drives back to campus.
After he parks the car, I push my door open without waiting for him to say anything.
“You comin’ over?” he asks as I round the car.
“No. I don’t think so.”
His hands squeeze my shoulders. “Come on. Don’t let those girls get to you.”
“I’m not. I don’t care. I’m just tired of muffler bunnies trying to use me to get close to my brother. I’ve put up with it since I was a kid.”
He nods. “I can imagine.”
“You seemed to know each other.”
“I told you I met her downstate. Trust me, she’s not my type.”
I jab my finger into his side. “Oh yeah? What’s your type?”
He leans over and kisses the tip of my nose. “You.” He’s so close. Even in the crisp autumn air, I feel his heat. Maybe it’s silly, but all my irritation evaporates as I stare into his serious hazel eyes. Axel has always made me feel wanted and made it clear he only has eyes for me.
I slide my arms around him and lean against his chest. He holds me for a second before asking, “Come on. Follow me home. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”
“That’s the problem. You know I want to.”
His mouth curves into the boyish grin that drew me to him the first time we met. I lean in and he gives me another kiss. On my lips this time. A longer, lingering kiss. He angles his body until my back’s pressed against my car. My hands settle at his side, drawing him closer. A soft moan leaves my throat and Axel lets out his own needy sound. His lips travel over my jaw, nuzzle my neck, kiss their way to my ear.
“Come home with me, baby.”
“Okay,” I whisper.
My mind’s in turmoil the whole way to Axel’s apartment. I intentionally get stuck at a red light, so I have a moment to think.
When I pull into his parking lot, he’s already gone inside, so I take a second to check my phone.
And find a text from Murphy.
Get home okay?
Not yet.
My heart twists. I don’t want to lie to him. Not after the nice afternoon we had. But I also don’t want him to think I said I wanted to take a trip with him and then slept with my boyfriend a few hours later.
I glance up at Axel’s apartment building. He’s probably wondering what’s taking me so long. Should I try to talk to him? Break things off?
The sick feeling that slithered through my stomach as I sat through dinner with Serena returns. I want to text Murphy about it, but all the words that come to mind make me sound like a jealous little brat.
I can’t figure out how to cause the least amount of damage to the people I care about.
At Axel’s. I finally add.
I wait a few seconds, but he doesn’t send any more messages. I can’t decide if I’m relieved or sad.
Heidi takes so long, I wonder if she changed her mind. But then there’s a soft knock at the door.
“You know you can just come in, right?” I ask when I open the door. “I want you to move in with me anyway.”
Her eyes widen. Why, I don’t know. We’ve talked about moving in together a bunch of times. “Won’t Lucas get annoyed?” she finally asks.
My roommate has his girl Penny here so often, he has no business giving me shit about Heidi being here. “No,” I answer. “Now, where were we?” I ask, pushing her up against the wall and leaning down for a kiss.
She smiles, but places her hands on my chest, gently pushing me away. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Just—give me a minute. I want to run to the bathroom.”
Shaking my head, I step aside. She’s still rattled from running into Serena, and it’s starting to piss me off.
Heidi can’t lie for shit and I saw the way she flinched when Serena mentioned Murphy’s name. Sometimes I wonder why I keep trying to force this. I really do love Heidi. And I’m pretty sure she loves me.
I’m also pretty sure she’s in love with Murphy. Whether she admits it or not.
Thinking about that sneaky ginger is the equivalent of a splash of cold water on my nuts, so I drop down on the couch and flip the television on.
Heidi emerges from the bathroom and yawns before snuggling up next to me on the couch.
“You okay?” I ask, running my hand over her hair.
“Yeah, just tired. I hope I’m not getting a cold or something. I’ve got a test Friday.”
My phone pings and I pick it up to find a text from Hoot, one of the other prospects.
Church this weekend. Prospects invited.
It’s not often we get invited to sit in on the club’s business meetings. Or if we do, it’s after they’ve already discussed the good stuff.
I know Hoot’s probably flipping excited. Birch, too. They love being included.
I feel nothing.
“What is it?” Heidi asks.
“I guess Rock wants the prospects at church this weekend.”
She shifts to face me. “Oh, that’s awesome. Think they might be taking a vote on you?”
“Doubt it. I don’t have enough time in. Has your brother said anything?”
“No. You know he won’t.”
“Yeah.”
I flip through the channels, but before I know it, Heidi’s snoring softly. I give her a poke. “Hey, wake up. I still wanted to talk to you.”
She murmurs and twists her head back. “Sleepy.”
I end up tucking her into my bed and going back out into the living room to watch television by myself.
It gives me time to think about this weekend. Do I want to
be voted into the Lost Kings MC?
Unlike Hoot and Birch, I have family around. Stuck-up, country club types, about as opposite from a motorcycle club as it gets. They’ve been less than thrilled about me dating Heidi and hanging out at the MC. I’ve never let them see me with my prospect cut on. For one thing, they wouldn’t understand what it meant, and if I explained it, they’d flip out. But they’re still my family.
I thought hanging out at the MC was a fun diversion. Much to my parents’ irritation, I’ve loved motorcycles and fixing them up since I was a kid. Since no one in my family cared about that stuff, hanging around other guys with the same interest was very appealing at first. And it got me closer to Heidi.
But now I realize it’s not just a club. It’s a commitment. A brotherhood. Those guys would die for one another. And I’ve never felt that way about anyone.
Heidi thinks her brother walks on water. The rest of the brothers, too. She idolizes all of them. Especially Murphy. I get that they were close growing up, but I figured she’d grow out of it.
Not so much.
I’ve always admired her intelligence. Even though she’s had some lousy female role models, her need to be more than just someone’s ol’ lady or a club girl is what attracted me to her in the first place.
It’s what makes me hopeful we’ll stay together even if I don’t patch into the club.
Yesterday I woke up sick to my stomach.
I’m not stupid. The first thing I thought of was pregnancy. I’ve been on the pill for a while now. I try to be meticulous about taking it, but obviously I fucked up.
If there is a ’+’ in the Result window when the line in the Control window appears, your result is “Pregnant.”
Yup. That’s a plus sign.
Same as yesterday.
I’m alone in my brother’s apartment. I thought he’d never leave this morning, so I could take the test in peace.
He and Axel are at the clubhouse. I plan to go up there right after I finish freaking out.
I slide down to the floor and tip over, resting my cheek against the cold tile.
What the fuck am I going to do?
My brother will kill me.
No, first he’ll kill Axel, then me.
Murphy. I can’t even think of him right now.
Maybe my boyfriend—the father of my baby—is getting patched in to the club right now. That would make things a lot easier. My brother can’t kill him if he’s a member of the club.