You see, I'm going to stay here. I'm going to help you preform our greatest production. I'm going to stay right here. I will stay and I will watch the beauty escape your eyes as the love leaves your heart. I will stay here until your last breath graces my trembling lips.'
And choking back tears, He continued.
'I will do this because unlike you, I love you more than my own life, and I want you to see and remember this love of mine which you abandoned in your last moments of life.'
Oh, god... My stranger said these words to me with such calm conviction, i barely noticed the steady stream of tears which followed His words. But I felt them.
Instantly trying to take my love into my arms, He instantly forced me back into the water as He grabbed and held my wrists tight. Crying, i begged Him. Fighting, i tried to free my hands, until He suddenly plunged into the water in front of me.
Angrily, my stranger looked into my eyes and shaking His head feverishly He reached for the razor blade and pills.
Screaming, i tried to push my stranger until kneeling, He pinned my wrists under His weight. Enraged my stranger glared at me until brutally He grabbed my face with his hands.
And i knew unconsciousness soon threatened because i wanted release. i wanted peace from this newest brutality, but i also knew i couldn't give into the darkness.
So pleading with my eyes, i begged to be released, but again He ignored my cries for freedom.
Shaking my head, i tried to break the stranger's grasp. Clenching my teeth, i tried to fight the stranger's attempt, but i didn't succeed.
The stranger looked at me with such anxiety and madness, tears poured down His cheeks while His chest gasped for breath. And with insane concentration and strength, the stranger forced my mouth open as i tried to fight Him still, but i failed. And filling my mouth with my pills, the stranger again laughed deliriously.
Panic and agony. Fear and sadness. Life and death.
My throat nearly swallowed, while confusion and desperation turned my fight into near submission.
But my eyes begged Him. My eyes pleaded to Him. My eyes... became blurred and frozen.
Suddenly, the stranger relaxed and released my face from His grasp, as He allowed my wrists to pull free from His weight.
Frantically, i spit the pills into the bath water. Desperately, i pushed His body off of my own. Angrily, i beat at His body with a ferocity that left me speechless.
Weakened, He collapsed onto my body.
Sobbing, the stranger raised His head as He looked into my eyes.
Screaming, the stranger tried to pull me tightly into His embrace.
And then He spoke.
'Never forget the intensity in which you just fought me. Never forget your strength- a strength I know and watch with amazement. The despair which swallows your peace must never again blind you, because even as sadness threatens your sanity, you must believe in your strength as you also believe in our love.'
And wiping away His tears, He continued.
'I'm sorry I scared you, but I have begged and pleaded. I have loved and adored. I have offered you my life of love, but I can't continue to fear your potential actions and attempts. I can't continue to fight your despair alone.'
And smiling, He continued once more.
'I will do anything for you because we were born for each other. I am sorry for the brutality which I have just inflicted upon you, but I needed you to fully understand the depth of your attempts on me. If ever you have loved me as I have loved you, please, I beg you to give me some loving peace. I don't want to fear your actions every single day of our lives.'
And the stranger's words were so gentle and heart wrenching my mind raced, even as i felt all my sorrow and shame. But no words seemed appropriate, even as i clearly saw the depth of His love and adoration for me.
Taking my stranger into an embrace i felt His heart beat within the furious rhythm of my own. i could see the relief in His eyes and i could see Him clearly in our desperate silence.
Eventually, my stranger stood and with eyes so bright He extended His hands to my own. With movements so slow, He lifted my trembling body from the cold water into His warm arms. Stripping each other of our cold, wet clothing, we walked back to our room.
And in our bed we both lay still, wrapped tightly in each other’s arms, while the world crept continuously audacious, until sleep came soft and secure.
When i awoke this morning i was graced with a smile from my stranger, as His hands caressed my bare skin. But no words are necessary. No forgiveness needs to be sought. No apologies need to be given. No anger remains, and no despair threatens. My dear stranger is here, living for me always.
And as the day progresses, my dear stranger continues to embrace me, while He watches these very words escape my soul, living to rest eternally upon this page of ours, in memory.
April 2002
22 years old
*****
Sitting in my lounger with my last coffee and my endless smokes, I feel overwhelmed with sadness for my younger self during those dark years.
I remember the feeling I had every single day. I remember slowly fading away. I think I even knew I was fading, but I didn't care enough to stop it. There was something so dark and painful inside me I simply didn't know how to live with it. I didn't know how to shut off the pain and darkness, so I tried to numb it instead.
Those years were horrible. Those years were deadly for me- they were deadly to me. There was little left of the high school Sadie I had once been; young, happy, normal, and typically high school melodramatic.
I was a normal girl until I was 16. I may have had too much independence and been granted too many freedoms by my parents, but I never abused it. I always maintained good grades and a typical healthy demeanor of a teenager. Actually, if I'm being really honest with myself, I maintained the facade of healthiness until I was 19, and then I couldn't pretend anymore.
After I was attacked, I changed indefinitely. To this day I'm changed. I know I moved on enough to have a wonderful, loving sexual relationship with my husband, but I was changed.
To this day, I look over my shoulder too much, and watch my back, and fear everyone around me, always. I constantly fear everyone and everything which has never changed; I've just grown better at hiding it.
But I wasn't good at hiding anything for those few years. I was awful and ugly and just broken, no matter how much I loved my stranger, and no matter how much I tried to be better for Him. There was just no helping me at that point.
I remember sometimes seeing myself in a mirror and being shocked at my own appearance. To say I was thin is misleading. I was very thin but it was a thinness based on looking concave and undernourished. It was the kind of thin that tells people you're sick. The kind of thin-bodied, grey-skinned face of someone with a terminal illness.
I looked terminally ill, and to some I may have even been described as such. I may not have been terminally ill, but I think I was sick nonetheless.
I was sick with my life and my past, and with my reality. I was sick and I didn't know how to get better.
CHAPTER 12
Sitting in my garage I hear the phone which won't stop ringing. Christ! It's so annoying. Everyone knows I don't like noise, so why do they keep calling me?
Sitting, I try to wait it out but they just won't stop. The ring is constant with no break. They don't even hang up and call back. Why isn't the machine picking up?
Standing, I make my way inside. Oh, I didn't realize how cold it was outside. I didn't even realize it was dark outside. Actually, how long have I been outside?
“Hello?!” I ask with annoyance.
“Sade! Sadie. Where are you?”
“At home. Obviously.”
“What's wrong Sadie? I've been trying to reach you for hours. I've called you a hundred times. Where were you?”
“Why? I'm not doing anything bad.”
“What's wrong, Sadie? You sound upset.”
“Why did you
call so many times?”
“Honey, what's wrong? Is everything okay?”
“Yes.” But it isn't, is it?
“Sadie? What's wrong? You sound upset, and I've been trying to reach you all day. Jamie even called and left messages. Where were you?”
“Why?” And then there is silence.
“Sadie, are you okay? Are you alone?”
“Of course! What does that mean?”
“Jesus, not that. You just sound so strange, I didn't know if you were being held by someone, or if you couldn't talk because someone was there... That's all. Are you hurt? What's happening? You never ignore the phone, especially if Jamie and I call.”
“I didn't want to talk to you...”
“What?! Why?” Alex actually yells at me, and Alex rarely yells.
“No reason. I just didn't. How's Jamie?” I ask suddenly missing him very much. Actually, my heart is beating really fast, and I feel like I'm dying without my little boy. “How is he, Alexander?” I beg.
“Alexander? What's happening Sadie? Are you mad at me for something?”
“How's Jamie?” I beg again as I start crying. I don't know what's wrong, but I suddenly feel like I'm dying on the inside. Everything is tight in my chest and my head is pounding.
“Why are you crying? You can talk to me, honey. I'm here. What's wrong?”
Growling, I ask again, “How the fuck is Jamie?”
“Good! He's good Sadie. He's sound asleep in the bunks with Dylan.”
“He's good?” I whisper.
“Yes. Jamie is safe and sleeping. He had a great day, tobogganing and skiing, and he ate a huge pasta dinner and too much dessert, but he's good, Sadie. Everything is fine with Jamie, I promise. I would tell you if anything was wrong, but there isn't. I'm in the room next to his, and he's fine.”
The relief I feel from his words is instant, because Alex would tell me if something was wrong. He would never keep Jamie from me, or not tell me if he was hurt. Alex knows better than to keep my Jamie from me.
“Okay. Thank you Alexander for everything. But I have to go...”
“Sadie! What's wrong?”
“What time is it?”
“I don't know. Um, 12:40, why are you-”
“In the morning?”
“Yes, in the morning. What are you doing, Sadie? We tried calling you the entire day and night. Jamie begged you to call him back. He misses you. Jamie misses his mommy, Sadie. Didn't you hear his messages?”
“I miss him too...” I whisper crying. God, this feels awful. I shouldn't be away from Jamie. He is everything to me. He makes me so happy. I think I'm not happy anymore.
“I don't think I'm happy without Jamie. Can you not take him away from me again? Could you promise me, Alex? Can you promise to not take him away from me again?”
“I promise. But I didn't take him away from you. We all talked about it and you said he and I could go to my sister’s without you. You said we could go and that you would be fine for 3 days. You wanted us to go. Do you remember that, Sadie? Do you remember when you said we could go?”
“Not really. I remember you taking him away...”
“I didn't take him from you...”
“You did because he's not here, is he? You took him from me because I love him.”
“I didn't take him from you, and you know it. Deep down you know I didn't take Jamie away. We're coming home tomorrow morning and you'll have Jamie back. Right, Sadie?”
“Okay. I have to go.”
“Wait! What are you doing? Where are you?”
“Why?”
“What's going on Sadie? You sound so upset and strange right now. You never cry, and I can hear you crying. What's going on, honey? Please tell me.”
“I'm doing nothing wrong, I just can't really talk right now. I'm sorry Alexander, but I have to go. Please bring Jamie back to me. Please...”
“Wait! Honey, what is it?”
“Nothing. I'm fine. I'm sorry I didn't hear you calling earlier. I'm sorry...”
“Where are you right now?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Sadie, please. Where are you right now?”
“In the kitchen. Is that a problem?”
“No, of course not. I'm just trying to figure out what's happening. You won't talk to me. And you've ignored us for 2 days, and you seem really sad and I'm just trying to understand what's going on with you, that's all. Why won't you talk to me, Sadie?” He whispers.
“You know why.”
“I don't! Tell me why you won't talk to me.”
“Because you're you.”
“What does that mean?”
“I can't talk to you about this and you don't want me to, and I shouldn't anyway ’cause it’s bad.”
“What's bad? What's happening? Sadie, you can tell me. I promise I can handle anything you need to tell me. What is it, baby? Please...”
“It's nothing. I'm okay. I'm just saying goodbye. That's all. I have to say goodbye now.”
“To me? I don't understand.”
“No, not to you. Never to you. Right, Alexander? I can never say goodbye to you. But I have to go now.”
“Wait! What are you talking about?! What do you mean? I really don't understand. Why can't you say goodbye to me? Why would you even want to? What the hell is happening?”
“Thanks Alexander for making me Sadie Hamilton. I truly appreciate it, but I have to go now.”
“Sadie! What are you talking about!?”
Knowing I'm freaking him out, I have to make this better. I have to or he'll come back too soon, and I'm not ready for him.
“I’m good, Alex. I'm just tired. I'm going to go to bed, and I'll talk to you in the mor-”
“Wait! Jesus, you're really scaring me-”
“Don't be scared Alexander. I promise everything is fine. Just call me before you leave tomorrow, okay? I'm going to go to bed now, but I'll wait for your call in the morning. Please hug Jamie if he wanders out of his bed tonight. He might get scared there. He might need me. He might need a hug, so can you please give him a hug for me? Please?”
“Of course. I always hug Jamie, Sade. You know that.”
“I know. You're right, I’m sorry. I just miss him. I'll see you tomorrow.”
“Do you miss me?” He asks quietly.
“Of course. You're Alexander. Of course I miss you.”
“Okay... I love you, Sadie. Very much. And I miss you, too.”
“Good night, Alex.”
“Sade... Do you-”
“I really have to go now. I'll see you later.”
Hanging up, I'm shaking and struggling, and tired and wired. I feel so out of sorts, like I'm desperate for something. Anything to make everything back to normal. I don't want to talk to Alexander anymore. I don't want to talk anymore.
When the phone instantly rings again, I click the on/off button quickly, and shut the ringer off. I don't want to keep doing this with Alex. I don't want to have to pretend with Alex right now. I don't want to be perfectly together for Alex right now. I'm tired and cold and I need a smoke.
I need to finish this. Finally.
My Dear Stranger XII
Last night my dear stranger came to me again.
Waking from a deep drug-induced sleep, I was pleased to feel Him thrusting between my legs. Trying desperately to open my heavy eyes, I smiled as I grabbed hold of my stranger's body, pulling Him harder into me as my fog slowly lifted.
The night was hot and I felt need all around me. I was sweat-covered and aroused. I slept with molten dreams of our sexual history. Through the drugged haze, i dreamed of His body moving inside me until I felt Him in my reality.
Moaning, I felt Him leave my body, only to have the vacant feeling replaced with the wet sensation of His mouth on me. Writhing, I felt His hunger and my sexual need as i begged His tongue to bring me to release.
Forever I moaned my need as the sensation increased. Turning and panting, I held His tongue deep inside
me as I arched and struggled with my impending release. And He knew. Moaning into my body and pushing my thighs further apart, my stranger knew I was close and He loved bringing me my release. He knew, and He worked me until my sexual frenzy nearly eclipsed our love. As my body trembled He knew my climax was going to reward Him soon.
With an agony and ecstasy my body was tattered as I succumbed to the agony of the ecstasy I felt. Screaming out, I grabbed Him close to me, as I panted and tried for coherent words. But I was unable to speak as He kissed me deeply.
And it was beautiful. Tasting myself and feeling His pleasure for my release, i reached for His body to aid Him. Wanting Him to know the pleasure i had, i stroked and fondled Him as our kisses increased.
Suddenly turning me onto my stomach, my stranger's body weighed me down. And feeling His weight on me was thrilling and new. Usually, my stranger faced me, like He was always aware to let me see it was Him with me and not a demon. But last night, as He rested on my back i knew it was Him, and I excited more.
Lifting my hips, my stranger towered over me. Being so small, and He so large, my stranger was able to engulf my entire body, resting His face beside my own. And grabbing my hands, He held me tightly to Him as He quickly entered me from behind.
Screaming at the sudden intrusion, He paused as I relaxed for Him. Knowing He waited relieved me. Knowing He wanted my pleasure and not my pain comforted me. Knowing He wanted this position excited me.
And then He moved. Hard and fast. Heavy and demanding. He pushed inside me as His weight crushed me to the bed. Feeling His hands crush my own, I exhaled and tried to feel all the sensation He provided me. And He did. Oh god, the movement was hard, followed by other movements- in and around me. Teasing and increasing in strength, I could barely breathe with my need, but He waited for His release.