And amazingly, He stayed with me. He chose to stay. He caressed my aching body even while my excretions covered the floor. Minutes turned to hours as i slept and i woke, but never did He leave my side.
With my vision blurred, i woke to my stranger standing naked in front of me. With my mind confused i wanted to question His intensions. i was shocked that He planned to take me under such tragic circumstances. All i could reason was maybe He wanted some peace through love-making. Suddenly feeling hostile, i was disturbed by the image of such an act during such horrendous emotional weakness. Looking in my eyes, i saw comprehension in His face as He acknowledged my hostility. And with His sadness so great, i could actually see the hurt and distress He felt at my wrongful conclusion.
God, i felt such shame. How could i have ever doubted His intentions?
My stranger once again picked me up off the floor and holding me He placed us inside a warm shower. Still too weak to stand my stranger let my limp body rest against His as He sat me in the corner. Holding me up firmly with one hand He again cleansed my broken body. Turning me toward the wall, my face rested against the cool tile. i tried to hold Him but my body was incapable. i wanted to help but i couldn't, so i began to weep from the sadness that overwhelmed me.
i needed to be forgiven for my attempt. i needed to express my love for Him. i needed my stranger to understand my actions. i needed His love forever...
When i awoke this afternoon, daylight threatened to blind me. But i squinted and searched frantically through the light, and to my great surprise my stranger was still near watching me.
His eyes were bright and His smile was beautiful. Walking toward me, He pulled down the shade and sat down beside me. Raising a glass of water to my parched lips, my stranger still helped me. Desperate for rehydration, i gulped as the water poured down my chin until He pulled the glass away from me.
My stranger sat the glass on the bedside table, then suddenly turned back to me while grabbing me tightly in His arms even as the pressure threatened to destroy my body. Releasing me seconds later from His embrace, i stared at the fear etched upon His face.
And gently He spoke.
'You almost killed us last night. Look, I understand demons and nightmares abuse, but I'll never again save you if my love means so little to you.'
Such simple words. Such glorious instructions. Such love given so freely.
Alive, we were together. And suddenly a peace grew inside me. Never had anyone saved me before. Never had anyone truly loved me before. Never had i believed in anyone before.
And this newest of realities caused a great physical pain in my chest, as He kissed my forehead and left me quietly in my bed.
And i think i understand.
He will return to me because i now know and see, just as i live for my dear stranger, He lives to kill the demons inside of me.
December 2001
21 years old
*****
I drank then. A lot. I drank heavily and frequently. But I wasn't an alcoholic. Well, I was by some definitions, but not really. I drank because I didn't want to feel, not because I craved alcohol. Does that make sense?
I honestly don't think I was an alcoholic because the drinking was only the means to the end for me. If there had been another way in which to stop myself from feeling, and fearing, and missing, I would have tried anything else instead. But there wasn't anything else, so I drank and sometimes swallowed pills with my alcohol to really numb me out.
Again, I don't really think this made me an alcoholic per se. I think it made me an escapist who used alcohol as the way in which to escape.
I did many other things as well. Whatever it took. Whatever was required to make me not feel, I did. From self-mutilations to ingesting various substances. Whatever I could do, I did. And usually I did it well, though there were a few times I went a little too far. There were a few times I once again danced with death a little too closely.
I remember sitting in a little cafe once that sold alcohol. I remember a male blues singer strumming his guitar as he sang in the coffeehouse. I remember drinking both at my table from the waitress and at the bar with the bartender so neither knew how much I was actually drinking.
Then I remember waking up in the parking lot, throwing up, moaning on my side while 2 men tried to help me. I remember becoming conscious, seeing the men, fighting and screaming in between vomiting, and I remember a small crowd gathering after my screams. I believe a couple talked to me and called an ambulance. I don't remember for sure how it happened, but I ended up in the hospital that night and the following day with a case of alcohol poisoning.
But by the time I left, I had lied to each and every person I spoke with, including the Psychiatrist for the required Psych visit. I convincingly blew off the whole incident as a one-off, until I quickly left AMA and hopped in a waiting cab to take me the few blocks to my apartment. But I knew that time was close.
Oh, I remember this other time I woke up topless on my balcony one morning. I have absolutely NO recollection of how that happened, but I do remember the fear I felt waking on my balcony topless and wondering why the hell my door was wide open with no alarm set, and why I was lying on the cold wood of my balcony.
I remember looking at the high rise apartment across the street and wondering if anyone saw me or was still watching me. I remember thinking how lucky I was no one walked up the fire escape to my balcony to get me. I remember crawling back into my apartment, closing the balcony door and waking up hours later still on the floor beside the door in my living room with the alarm still not set, covered in vomit.
And though those 2 times I remember most, there were many other lesser incidents. Like waking up vomiting, and barely able to turn myself onto my side as I vomited in my sleep. Or waking up in the bathroom around the toilet unsure of how I got there. Once I even woke up on the kitchen counter, balancing precariously with my head and neck in the sink covered from head to toe in my own vomit.
Those times were frequent, but again, not because I was an alcoholic. I never craved the alcohol. I never thought of alcohol with affection or thirst. I never thought of pouring a glass of alcohol because I wanted or enjoyed it. I poured the alcohol because of my need to numb the horrible feelings inside me. I poured to wipe out all the feelings that threatened to suffocate me.
Even now, drinking my first alcoholic beverage in 8 years straight from the bottle, I honestly don't like it. This doesn't taste good to me, nor do I feel good drinking it. I don't want it, but I'll drink it anyway. I’ll drink it because I need this liquor to numb me from what I'm doing, because I really can't do this sober. I cannot do this with a clear head because it hurts too much.
So walking back into my kitchen, I’ll grab a tall glass from the cupboard and pour. I'll drink this vodka, as I wait for the soothing relief of numbness to calm me.
I'm not an alcoholic because I don't want the liquor. I’m an escapist because I want the effects of the liquor only, not the alcohol itself.
CHAPTER 11
My Dear Stranger XV
Last night my dear stranger came for me once again.
i had only experienced one afternoon since His last visit but i had missed His embrace so much i had believed my heart would break without Him.
Our last night together was spent with such trial and fear, i had thought Death would surely come to claim me. But death had not won because my stranger had saved me from Death's vicious hands. Today, i am still alive, and the world remains audacious.
Last night i was incapable of leaving my bed. Though inner peace had recently found me, demons were again trying to penetrate my soul. And my sleep was feared but inevitable. So when i woke, i was delighted to find my stranger lying next to my broken body. His eyes were so full of love as His fingers eased through my knotted hair. He was here for me. He was here and in His smile i could see He would love me forever.
My lips desperate to speak were so parched and cracked, blood began to surface. So my strange
r took my face into His hands, softly kissing my lips moist. Looking into His eyes i believed my stranger had forgiven my attempt, my hostility towards life, and my desire to end all the brutality and nightmares.
My stranger then sat me up propped by pillows and He began to quench my thirst with sweet juices and warmed soup. He began to fill my sunken body with nourishment as He watched my skin slowly color.
But suddenly my body convulsed and all i felt was its rejection.
Vomiting, i cried for my stranger as He held me tight. He held a bowl to my mouth like He had known i would again be ill. He held me while my body ached with vomiting repulsion. Crying, my stranger held me as He kissed my bleeding, dying body.
And in that moment my anguish was truly overwhelming. Paranoia surfaced and the pain swallowed any peace i had momentarily felt. Slowly my mind began to question His actions.
Had my stranger poisoned me? Had He joined the demons who were trying to kill me? Was He trying to punish me for taking our love in vain, as He had previously claimed? Did He no longer love me?
And so i tried to fight Him. i tried to break free from Him, but my stranger held me tight.
And when no vomit remained and i could finally see, i was thrilled to feel Him still holding me. Relief surfaced so quickly, i surrendered to Him. Smiling, my stranger acknowledged my return. And with a kiss on my brow, He again forgave my delusional hostility.
Leaving me for mere seconds, my stranger returned and again He lifted me into His arms and carried me to the bathroom. Again, He had run a bath. Again, He had planned to cleanse me. Again, He planned to wash away all traces of my horrid, self-induced journey.
And once I was in the soothing warm water, He smiled and kissed me. He forced me to receive all of His love and attention.
Quickly undressing, i watched His beautiful body sink into the warm water with me. Sitting behind me, He pulled my body against His own. Taking my hands into His, He kissed my dry brittle nails and fingertips.
And in that moment i loved Him so completely, my mind fully grasped the selfishness of my attempt.
Once the water had cooled, my stranger stood and helped me from our bath. Even brushing my teeth, He took care of me. Drying me He held me so firmly that even as my legs were unsteady, i wouldn't fall or collapse. He held me up once again.
Returning to our bed, i reached for my love's body. Though physically weak, i wanted sexual love to heal me. i wanted to touch His body and i wanted to give Him great pleasure as my apology. But sadly, He wouldn't allow me.
But before i could panic with insecurity, He gave me a sweet reassuring smile as He turned His lips close.
'I want you to feel my great love for you,' he whispered in my ear.
And kissing my neck, He slowly eased down my body.
Still weakened i tried to guide His path with each of my longing sighs, until my stranger then slowly eased His body into mine. And i could see He didn't want to cause any damage to my broken body as He moved gently and penetrated my body slowly. Oh, but I could feel Him.
He strengthened within His own muscle contractions and like a slow tease He delighted my body. He held and kissed me while my body replenished within the soft movement He gently provided.
“Together we are alive. Together we are our pleasure. We were born for each other,” He whispered in my ear.
And when i tried to touch Him to give Him pleasure as well, He still wouldn't allow me. Whispering, He told me i was to be the sole recipient of this production. And firmly, He took my hands into one of His and raised them to the pillows overhead. Then He slowly moved. His other hand moved. His tongue soothed me.
Staring at my face, He watched my inhibitions dissipate within His performance. He watched me writhe within His seduction. i was too weak to control myself and climax nearly threatened to overwhelm me. But with my slight movements, i too watched His face enjoy my pleasure. And then i felt my climactic release, surrounded by His sensual attention.
Afterward, He finally released me and i grabbed for Him so tightly with a strength that surprised us both. Embracing Him, He smiled at my reaction to our love, while my kisses devoured His lips.
Escaping my embrace, my stranger examined my rejuvenated body with a delicate caresses. And overcome with my happiness, i tried to speak.
In a soft voice, i managed to whisper, 'i’m sorry for my attempt, but i promise to live only and forever to love you.' And confirming my words with a smile, His own relief was evident in His eyes.
As we each wept, my stranger held me so still and warm that comfort and peace revisited. No panic surfaced, nor confusion threatened, because together we would face the night in each other's arms.
When i woke this morning i was physically alone, however the sweet scent of our love-making lingered in our bed. And quickly rising, i ate and drank to nourish and heal my body's broken remains so i could love my dear stranger once again.
December 2001
21 years old
I took pills frequently then. Usually, I mixed them with alcohol to numb my feelings. Usually, they were prescription. Not necessarily MY prescription but a prescription nonetheless.
I wasn't bad or dirty though. I wasn't the kind of girl who hung out and did drugs. I didn't smoke up with stoners, and I didn't purchase my pills from some seedy dealer. I was a good girl who just took some pills when I needed them.
Once, I found some pills of my mother’s from a minor car accident, so I tried them. Sometime later I found some old pills of my dad's from a broken leg he suffered during a skiing incident, so I tried them.
I found pills here and there. But I wasn't a junkie. And I wasn't a drug addict. I didn't crave the pills, and I didn't think of the pills fondly, or with craving. The pills were not attractive to me as pills. Rather, I took pills so I would stop feeling. That’s all. That's what they were for me. They were merely the means to the ending I desired.
They could have been anything. The pills were just that- little pills that helped me achieve the results I needed, nothing more.
I didn't take pills badly though, and I didn't take them for no reason. I didn't take them when I wanted to get high. I NEVER wanted to get high. I just didn't want to feel all the pressure I lived with, so I took pills sometimes alone, and sometimes with alcohol.
But it was never the pills. I never wanted them; I just had to use them so I wouldn't feel all the pressure all the time.
My Dear Stranger XVI
Last night my dear stranger came to me once again.
Alone, and feeling great despair, my stranger entered our room just when i believed i could no longer endure my sadness.
Smiling, His eyes were bright and warming. Staring at Him, i was amazed at how beautiful and alive He was, and i knew He had come to save me again as He had so many times before.
Welcoming my stranger with an embrace, i sobbed as i held Him so tightly i began to lose my breath. Fighting for me, i saw how He tried to ease my anguish.
Pitifully, i suddenly begged the questions i had always struggled with.
'Why must i always feel this pain? Why must i struggle with this continuous sadness? Why is peace only a short-lived reality for me?'
Struggling, i asked the most important questions i held.
'Why do you always stop my attempts? Can't you see my pain? Don't you want me to be free from all my demons of despair?'
But once i exhaled, my stranger stood and walked away from me. Alone again, i was left to question the hostility and anger of my words. Saddened, my stomach convulsed as i sobbed within my desperation.
Minutes later, my dear stranger returned. Sitting gently beside me, He smiled and slowly leaned forward, gracing me with the sweetest most passionate kiss we had ever experienced, until we eventually parted lips. And in that moment, that glorious moment, my heart was full and all my sadness seemed to lessen.
Then a sudden clarity hit me, and i knew- i couldn't handle this pain any longer if my stranger wasn't here with me.
&n
bsp; Moving His hands from behind His back, my stranger held them mere inches from my face. He then opened His palms and began to laugh hideously. Panic stricken, i sat up and looked at His gifts.
In His right hand He held the mixed array of my sleeping pills i had lined up ready, and in His left hand He held a razor blade so firm He had caused His own palm to bleed.
Shocked by His find of mine, i looked to give my stranger an explanation. Maliciously, He glared at me in return.
Screaming suddenly i begged Him, 'why are you doing this to me?' Desperately i tried to explain, 'i'm sorry you found those things!'
Suddenly, my stranger stood and picked me up in His arms. Fighting, i tried to break free but His strength was too much for me.
Arriving in the bathroom, my stranger forced my clothed body into the filled tub even as i fought Him until he had me helpless and frightened.
And again i screamed, 'why are you doing this to me?' Until His laughter quickly silenced me.
All my confusion turned to panic and fear. My stranger looked at me with such hate i felt my heart break.
And then He spoke.
'My love. You don't love me enough to live for us. You are too selfish and you do not care for our love because of your own pain which has made you blind and callous.'
And breathing deeply He continued.
'Please understand, I DO recognize the demons who haunt you. I do know of the despair which overwhelms you. And I do know of the forces that abused and brutalized your body and soul. But I once told you I would never again save you if my love meant so little to you. So please never doubt my love for you, as I am left to doubt yours.