And over the three months of slowly rebuilding my life, I had no visits from my stranger. He never came to me but His last words haunted me, always.
“I'll be back for you…”
And I was afraid almost every night that that would be the night He returned to me, but He never did. I was without Him completely, but aware of His potential visit every single day and night.
I was aware He might come back for me, but I was no longer excited or intrigued, or desperate for His visits. I was now afraid of them- not physically of course. I still craved His touch and I ached for the sexuality He provided me.
But emotionally, I was scared to death of seeing my stranger and regressing to the lifeless Sadie I had been while waiting for Him. I was afraid always, and I admitted as much to a sad Dr. Synode, who understood but still seemed confused by my stranger's presence in my life.
So on Christmas night, I returned to my apartment to a huge present from Alexander. Opening my door, I reset the alarm in my apartment and dropped the food and gifts from my parents on the dining room table. Excited, I found myself running and jumping on my bed with my huge Alex gift bag.
Opening the bag, I pulled out a beautiful card, with beautiful words, lined in silver and purple print. The card was so touching I instantly cried. I held the card and cried before opening my gift because the card couldn't have been more perfect for me.
It was purple and silver, and the front read:
'Wishing you a wonderful Christmas season filled with hope and promise'.
And the inside of the beautiful card held a hand written note from Alex.
Dearest Sadie,
I wish you nothing but peace and happiness in the new year. I wish you some comfort and peace throughout your days, and I wait for the day you feel peace deep inside you. You are a wonderful woman, and I hope for the day you believe that to be true.
Have a wonderful Christmas. I look forward to walking beside you in the new year.
Best wishes always,
Alex
xo
And I remember that card, which I've kept all these years later. I remember the feeling I felt; one of complete happiness, mixed with a deep sadness I couldn't explain. I remember feeling like I wanted Alexander in my life always, and I remember being sad that I couldn't possibly give him back all the kindness he was giving to me.
So breathing slowly, I opened up the bag to find my Christmas gifts.
First, I unwrapped a gigantic, male sized XXXL sweater, which made me laugh because Alex always had to wrap an extra sweater around me and my winter coat when we walked to and from classes. He always told me I was way too cold and he'd have to find a huge sweater to fit over my bulky coat when we walked. And when I pulled out the sweater, it looked like he did. Not that I would have worn the enormous sweater over top of my winter coat, but it was a thoughtful, if not funny gift anyway.
Second, I pulled out a lovely black scarf with silver thread throughout it. It was cashmere and warm, and I wrapped it around my throat feeling its warmth around me instantly.
And lastly, at the bottom of the huge bag was a book. Unwrapping the book, I was a little taken aback by its title, and unsure of how I felt.
I had never told Alex about my past, and I had never spoken about the attack. That was a very private time in my life, and I never spoke to Alex about it, so how he knew anything I was unsure and instantly insecure.
Opening the cover, there was an inscription.
You never have to talk to me about what happened to you, but I want you to know I'll always listen if ever you need to talk about it.
I thought I'd give you this book to maybe help you heal, if you ever need some extra support. xo
Looking at the cover of a female with a male shadow behind her, I was scared. I didn't want to read about what I should or shouldn't feel- what I should or shouldn't do. I didn't want to know what I was supposed to do because I had tried to heal myself the best way I knew how at the time.
What Alex didn't know, and what Dr. Synode failed to understand was I had two men to overcome. I had the bad man AND my stranger, and I don't think there was ever a book written for a situation like my own.
So placing the book under my bedside table, I ignored it and went back to the huge sweater and scarf. Two perfect gifts from a man who often seemed way too good to be true.
There was an undeniable attraction to Alex that I welcomed AND shied away from. I wanted him in my life, but I was afraid of what that might entail.
To say I was afraid of sex was an understatement. I was messed up over sex. I was lost and unsure of myself. I had my lover, and I had the bad man. I thought I had made love with my beautiful, charismatic, loving best friend, but I learned I was only a joke to him. I was a woman who had only ever had sex with one man who loved her, but a man who didn't love her enough to keep her sane.
I had a lover I craved every day of my life but a lover I knew wasn't good for me, no matter how wonderful He made me feel physically. And at that time, I finally understood the reality of my dear stranger- He was my soul mate and He was my destruction.
*****
So by Christmas night I hadn't seen Alexander in 3 weeks and I honestly missed him. The winter exam session had started for the holidays, and I was finished my exams the first week of December. And when I held my wonderful gifts, I quickly grabbed the phone and called Alex to thank him. Wrapped tightly in my scarf and humongous sweater, I dialed and waited.
“Hello?”
“Hi. Um, Merry Christmas, and thank you so much for my gifts. I love the scarf and sweater,” I stated quickly, choosing not to mention the book.
“You're welcome. Does the sweater fit?” He asked me laughing.
“Yes. Perfectly. How did you know my size?” I teased right back.
“As soon as I saw it, I thought of you, measured the sweater, and was sure it would fit you completely.”
“Well, good job measuring it. And the scarf is beautiful. I'm already wearing it and loving the feel. It's beautiful. Thank you.”
“You're welcome again. I wanted to ask you, since tomorrow is Friday, can I still come over and cook you dinner? I've tried to master a new recipe and I think I've nailed it. You would actually be my guinea pig, but I think it'll be fine. Can I come over tomorrow?”
And without even thinking, I said yes. Just like that- Yes. And that was it.
“I'll see you tomorrow around 4:00?”
“Yes. Thank you. I'll see you then. Merry Christmas, Alex.”
“Merry Christmas, Sadie.”
After we hung up I remember feeling almost giddy. The following day was Boxing Day, so all the stores were open again, and I couldn't wait to go shopping in the morning. I had absolutely NO idea what to get Alex, but I knew I wanted to get him something really special because I felt like he deserved it.
So falling asleep eventually, I dreamt my first dream of Alexander. And though it wasn't really dirty, I did wake up from our dreamt kiss touching myself sexually to my absolute horror and shock, until I became coherent enough to stop myself.
*****
The next day, after shopping for Alex, and even for myself a little, I was as physically ready for Alexander's visit as I could be. I wore my new fitted clothing, my hair was dried and styled, and I wore makeup. Remembering, I was actually excited for his visit.
And when finally Alex knocked on my door, I was happy. Practically bouncing, I looked through the peephole, turned off my alarm and let him in.
Looking at Alexander's smile, he was so handsome, and my mood was so joyous, I jumped into his arms and hugged him tightly.
Holding on, I inhaled his clean scent and I warmed instantly in his embrace. Wearing my new clothes, and the beautiful scarf he bought me for Christmas was nothing compared to the warmth his hug gave me. I was warmed and happy instantly in his arms.
Eventually, when reality set in, I pulled away from Alex with an awkward 'hi' thrown at him, while looking anywhere but at him.
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“Well, that was the best hi I've ever received,” he replied with a grin, and suddenly my awkward vanished as quickly as it came to me.
“Please come in. I have something for you. Um, I hope you like it,” I mumbled as I walked into my dining room.
When Alex entered my dining room he was still grinning, but now he looked like a little kid, well, at Christmas, I guess. Walking directly to his large gift on the table, he smiled a 'may I?' as he dropped his grocery bags on the floor when I nodded.
When he began tearing open the large gift ribbon, and unwrapping one present at a time, I found myself almost bouncing beside him. God, he was being so slow and methodical, I wanted to just rip each present apart quickly, but I didn't. I waited, as he unwrapped each of the beautiful cook books I bought him. 10 stunning books from 10 different countries with photos of each country and a recipe per 100 page book. They actually cost a fortune, but I couldn't decide on which countries to buy him, so I ended up with every one available.
When Alexander suddenly plopped down into a chair, I knew I had him. I could tell I had picked the perfect gift. Just the way he held each book with such care told me he loved them.
“Sade... These are way too much, but I love them. Honestly, this is the best gift I've ever received. Thank you so much,” he said as he suddenly grabbed my side into a half hug as he held the book on England in his other hand.
Fighting retreat, I stayed still until he finally let me go to look closer at each book. Quietly, he flipped through the pages as I waited. Sitting next to him in a chair, I waited for him to rejoin me.
And I was thrilled. Alexander being happy made me happy, I realized. I didn't know what an awesome gift making someone else happy felt like. I had always been alone, so I had never tried to make anyone happy before, and it was an amazing feeling. I felt alive, and I felt good looking at a happy Alex.
“Sadie, these are so cool. I can't wait to try some of these recipes. Look at the book from Greece. Every recipe looks delicious, doesn't it?” And I nodded as he flipped through. “Look at Australia. I don't know about some of these ingredients, but the food looks so good it makes me want to go there right now,” he chuckled. “I really do love these cookbooks.”
“Well, I hoped you would. I couldn't decide on a country, so I bought them all.”
“Thank you. I guess this means I better start cooking for you more frequently than Friday nights, huh?”
“Oh! That wasn't why I bought them-” I panicked.
“I know, but it gives me the perfect excuse to cook for you more than once a week. What do you say?” He asked looking so charming and handsome I couldn’t resist him.
“Okay,” I answered because honestly, that's all I wanted to answer.
A few minutes later I picked up Alexander's grocery bags and walked them to my kitchen as he continued looking at his new books. Putting the food in my fridge, I bent for the crisper drawer and rose to Alex standing right beside me. Startled, I made myself breathe and I made myself stay still as Alex leaned down to me slowly.
And then he kissed me.
Finding myself leaning into him, Alex kissed amazing. He kissed me deep and beautiful. He nipped at my lips and took my tongue into his mouth. He held me around the waist and by the back of my head. He held me to him as he kissed the fear and awkward right out of me. He kissed me in a way that spoke of forever.
Pulling away, Alex once again leaned his forehead against my own. Whispering, he asked, “No tears or panic this time?”
To which I cheekily replied, “Not yet.”
“Good, because you need to get used to me kissing you. Okay?”
“Okay,” I agreed. And that was it.
Alexander pulled away from me, smiled at me, and started unpacking the other grocery bag. He asked me if I wanted to help him cook, and I nodded yes.
And so we began cooking together. Well, he began cooking, and I began trying every teaspoon he held up to my mouth, and stirring everything he asked me to stir while he prepared more and more food for our dinner.
An exhausting 45 minutes later, we finally sat down to eat.
And after an hour and a half sitting at the table, with his Christmas stories over, browsing through his new cookbooks together, Alex and I began cleaning up the dishes. Beside him washing dishes, I felt the awkward post kiss- is he going to kiss me again? -anxiety creep up. But I shouldn't have worried. Alex asked if he could leave the cookbooks at my house with the exception of one each time he came to cook for me, and I agreed.
Leaving 15 minutes later, Alexander pulled me into a hug at the front door and whispered, “Thank you so much for the wonderful Christmas presents.” And I smiled as he walked out the door without a kiss goodbye.
After getting ready for bed by 7:30, I jumped on my couch and realized I really did love making Alexander happy. I also realized I wanted to make Alexander happy every chance I could, because I felt happy when he was happy.
CHAPTER 22
So Alexander fast became my best friend. I rarely discussed personal things with him, which seems weird of a best friend, but with Alex I didn't need to. I was sure he knew about the attack based on the book he gave me at Christmas, but he never pried or asked invasive questions of me.
If I did mention something about the last 7 years of my life that sounded sad or telling, he would pause and listen until I finished the statement. He never gave his input, nor did he try to make me discuss further what I may have slipped and told him. But he listened, clearly. I could see him stop and inhale, and almost suck up any little information I gave him.
Sometimes he would hold my hand, and other times he gave me a little hug if I spoke. We were at the point in our best friendship and slight relationship where Alexander kissed me hello and goodbye every time we met up or walked together, and I was okay with that.
*****
But a few months later I woke in a panic. I remember thinking for sure my stranger had been in my apartment as I slept. Waking, I scrambled through my apartment looking everywhere for Him. I felt His presence everywhere. I smelled His scent all over me. I knew His presence and I was sure it was all over my apartment. I remember calling out to Him and crying over Him and even begging Him to come back to me.
I couldn't explain my actions, or my desperation for His love, other than to say it was a relapse of sorts. And so I relapsed completely.
Grabbing a bottle of vodka, I drank it down with a splash of orange juice and I waited. I took my drink to the shower and scrubbed and shaved my body, and then I waited. I sat up waiting and drinking again until I passed out hours later sitting at my dining room table.
And Alexander found me like that a few hours later.
He always stopped by to take me to school, but never unexpectedly. We always spoke the night before and discussed when he would be over, and this visit was no different, except for the fact that the day itself was very different. This was a special day. This was April, and Alexander was graduating from University.
Hearing the knock, I remember remembering Alex was coming over to take me to a Graduation brunch, so I hurried, stumbling to my front door. I stumbled, and even hit the wall in the hallway. I was hammered, and a little surprised by how drunk I actually felt as I threw the door open.
Forgetting to look through the peephole with my drunken eyes, I made my biggest mistake yet with Alexander, and it was one that has haunted me for years. I threw open the door in my drunken excitement and then everything stopped for me as I looked at my mistake.
Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton stood beside Alexander in my doorway waiting for me. Pausing, I stared at Alex in shock, even as I watched his charming smile fade into one of disappointment and even hurt, I think.
Faking, as best as I could, I opened my door further, and leaned against the wall as I accidentally yelled, “Come on... in.” But no one moved. Smiling at Alex, I tried to hug him hello, but he held a hand out to my arm instead, and kept me away.
“Hi, Mrs. Hamilton. Welc
ome to my home! It's nothing like yours, but it's nice and clean,” I heard myself say way too loudly again.
And to her credit, she spoke to me like the wonderful woman she was. “Hi, Sadie. It's lovely to see you again. Mr. Hamilton and I are going to go wait in the car for you to get ready. But please don't take long, dear.”
Yet after she spoke kindly, I remember looking at myself and seeing what they saw and I almost died on the spot. Looking at my long, practically see-through t-shirt, which barely covered my body, I was mortified. Leaning into Alex, I tried to cover myself. Leaning into Alex, I wanted a hug. Leaning into Alex, I needed his support.
Begging, I whispered, “I'm so sorry, Alex,” and finally he hugged me back.
When he turned to his parents and asked them to wait in the car, I saw Mr. Hamilton studiously looking down the hallway, not in my direction at all, so I knew my humiliation was complete. I must have looked trampy and ridiculous, or like a drunken whore to him. I was an embarrassment to myself, but especially to Alexander.
Crying, I apologized to them all.
“I'm so sorry for this. I don't drink anymore, I swear, but I needed it last night, and I made a mistake. I promise I don't drink anymore, but something happened last night and I drank by mistake because I was stressed out.”
And with those desperate words, Alex seemed to startle as he held me and quickly told his parents he'd be down as soon as he could. Still holding me, Alex led me back into my apartment and closed the door in their faces.
Turning me in my dining room, he held both my arms and asked the question I didn't want to answer.
“What happened last night? Were you hurt?” But I wasn't.