Shaking my head no, I told all I could. “I thought someone was here and I panicked, that's all. Sometimes I drink when I'm scared.”
“Who did you think was here? Who? Why didn't you call me? I could've driven over and kept you company?”
“I didn't want you to be tired today, and I didn't want to ruin your day...” And then it hit me. “I’m really, truly sorry. I didn't want this, I swear. I made sure everything was perfect for you today. I bought a new dress and I had my hair done yesterday, and I have a gift for you and I was going to make you happy today, I swear. I'm so sorry, Alex,” I cried, and I meant every word I had just confessed.
I had met his parents once before when Alex and I went out for dinner on St. Patrick's Day, and they were lovely to me. And this second time was supposed to be perfect. I would look good, and I would support Alexander at his Graduation brunch, at the ceremony, and later at his parents’ home for the party they were throwing him. I was going to be perfect for Alex.
“What can I do to help you?” Alex asked, cupping my cheek in his hand. And as he looked at me with nothing but concern, I felt worse.
Alexander had made me dinner on New Year’s Eve, dinner on Valentine's Day, and even on my 24th birthday in March. He had made no advances, but to kiss me hello and goodbye, which I loved and waited for. He was always a constant support for me at school and at home. And now he offered me the same, even as I ruined his special day.
“I need you to leave and go to your brunch. Please explain to your parents that I am beyond sorry, and that I will make this up to them, but especially to you. I'm so sorry, Alex.”
“I know you are, Sadie. Do you want me to stay?”
“No. Please go and have a great brunch. I want you to have a great day and please forget about me and all this crap. God, I'm embarrassed, and so sorry. I just made a mistake.”
“I know, but I really wish you had called me. I could've-”
“I should've, but I really didn't want to ruin your day, which I did anyway...”
“It's okay. I'll call you later, okay? The ceremony doesn't start until 3:00, so I'll have a little time in between.”
“Please have a great day. I really want you to because you truly deserve it. I'm so sorry,” I mumbled crying again. I could actually feel myself sobering up even as we stood in front of each other. “I have a gift for you I think you're gonna love.”
“I'm sure I will, but I don't care about that. I care about you, Sadie. What can I do to help?”
“You can go, apologize to your parents for me, and please have a great day. I'll talk to you later, okay?”
“Okay,” he said walking back toward my door. Turning, he looked as awful as I felt. “You can tell me anything, Sadie.”
“I wish I could Alex. But I don't know how to tell you some stuff,” I admitted sadly.
“Well, maybe one day you'll try,” he replied as he walked out my door. “I'll talk to you later,” he said again as he left me.
To say I was devastated that day is an understatement. I was mortified, and lost, and drunk, and broken. Alex had been nothing but amazing to me, and the one day he actually asked me to do something for him, I blew it.
Alexander asked me for one thing. He asked me to be with him on his special day, and he asked me to meet his family and friends on his special day. He asked and when I panicked, he promised me there would be no pressure, and that we could, or even just I could leave as soon as it all became too much for me. He only asked that I be there with him for as long as I could handle, and I screwed it all up.
Walking into my bathroom, I relieved myself, and then I remember looking in the mirror. And I was gross.
Just my physical appearance alone should have sent him running, I looked so disgusting. My T-shirt really was mostly transparent, and my face was grey and haggard. My eyes were just a flat, lifeless, bloodshot brown. And my hair, which I had had professionally styled the night before was a stringy dirty blonde mess, because I had left it as is after my drunken shower.
I remember feeling dirty and ugly.
So crying again, I hopped back in the shower. And making a serious effort, I remember wanting to be clean for Alexander because he deserved it.
After my shower I made a decision. I called Dr. Synode and gave him the scoop over the phone and listened as he guided me into forgiving myself and moving on. He told me what I already knew- I made a mistake. He asked me to go pour the contents of my vodka down the sink. He told me to lie in my own bed and take a little nap. Then he told me what I already knew. I was to wake up, prepare myself and move on with my day. I was to go to the graduation ceremony, and I was to offer my support to Alex, on his special day.
So after my nap, I dressed in my new black and navy dress with matching striped pumps, curled and styled my hair, and I tried to make myself less pale with my make-up. I finished with a final smoke for probably a long time, and I drove to the University for the ceremony.
And I remember the look on Alexander's face when he finally saw me in the huge auditorium. He had already accepted his diploma, and he’d walked down the aisle and thrown his cap with his fellow graduates. He was done, surrounded by family and friends, and then he saw me waiting in my chair closer to the back of the large gathering alone.
Suddenly smiling, he walked right past his friends and even his parents to get to me. He walked up to me and then he took me into his arms, bent my back and gave me a Hollywood style kiss in front of everyone. And I was shocked, but happy. I was embarrassed but I also didn't care. I wanted Alex to kiss me and forgive me and from the depth of the kiss I received, I think I was clearly forgiven.
When we resurfaced, I wiped my lipstick as casually as I could, and then I waited.
“Thank you for coming. You look beautiful.”
“You're welcome. I'm really sorry I disappointed you earlier. I made a mistake.”
“I wasn't disappointed, I was sad. I hated seeing you look like that again, and I couldn't really help you and that's what bothered me the most,” Alex said while pulling me into his arms. Whispering in my ear, “I don't like to see you struggle, Sadie. It kills me to see you so messed up. That's all.”
“But I am messed up,” I whispered back.
“But you're getting better.”
“I know, but I'm not great.”
“But you're getting better,” he said again.
And I was.
When he let me go, Alex took my hand and led me to his parents. Dying of embarrassment, Mrs. Hamilton again showed me a grace I would have never had. Smiling, she actually told me I looked beautiful, and she said she was glad I could join them. Then she asked if I was still coming to the party later, to which I mumbled, “If you don't mind?”
“I don't mind at all. And Alex wants you to come, so we'll see you at 7:00?”
When I nodded, Alexander told his parents he would see them later and then he pulled me out of the auditorium.
Once at his car, Alex shifted me to lean against his door and then he kissed me again. He kissed the life right out of me. He kissed me until I was nearly gasping for breath. He kissed me until I didn't even remember where we were.
Whispering against my lips, he asked, “Where's my present, Sadie?” Making me laugh. And once I told him it was at my apartment, we were instantly on our way to my place in his car.
Opening my door, Alex turned his back as usual when I shut off my alarm by code, and then he pushed past me rubbing his hands together while looking around for his gift. Smiling, I nodded toward the dining room table.
When he was seated he picked up the 2 gifts and said, “I know what these are,” with a big grin and proceeded to open up the last 2 cook books I had ordered from another store to complete his collection.
“These are great, Sade. Did you see some of the recipes?” He asked while browsing through.
“I peeked once, but I saw a gross one with liver, so I closed it quickly,” I smirked. Alexander knew liver for me was off the menu.
“You know you're supposed to open the card first, right?” I said handing it to him.
When he opened it, it was a generic looking graduation card in black and silver, but I had inscribed the inside just for Alex.
Reading it, he looked up at me with his handsome face and nodded. “I look forward to cooking for you for years to come too, Sadie.”
So handing over the last special gift, I was excited. It was a little envelope I knew he would love. I knew he would love it, and I knew what it meant. I knew the implication of my final gift, and I was nervous and excited to give it to him. I was scared, but I also wanted to do this.
When he opened the little envelope, he read it, placed it gently on the table under his hands, and then he looked at me. He looked at me with every question I expected on his face. He looked at me a little stunned. He looked at me and I knew he understood I was trying.
“A 3 day culinary seminar in Toronto at the Harbor Front hotel with Chef Mancini?”
“Yes...”
“Are you coming with me?” He asked quietly.
“Yes...” I breathed through my fear.
“Are you sure?” He asked just as quietly.
“No, but I'm going to be sure in 3 weeks.”
“Okay.” And then a silence descended on us as he flipped the card back over and traced the embossed invitation confirmation with his fingertips. “This is an amazing gift, Sadie. I love it. Really, I can't thank you enough for this,” he finished looking back up at me.
“I wanted you to have something special from me because you're kind of special to me,” I said lamely.
“Well, this is pretty special. I can't believe you did this. Do you remember when we saw the commercial-”
“Yes, that's when I decided to get it for you. That night.”
“And when did you decide to come away with me for 3 days?” He suddenly asked bluntly.
“Um, I think officially today. But I was trying before. I thought about it all the time. Actually, I obsessed over it but I couldn't do it. Then today when you were nice to me when you should have been mean to me, I decided I was going to go with you for sure. I think I am. I think I will. I want to…” I finished kind of babbling, as I finally sat in the chair facing him.
“I will never be mean to you,” Alex stated while taking my hand.
“I think I know that, but I fear it. You're pretty important to me. You're all I really have, and I'm scared of you being mean, or leaving me, or not being my friend anymore.”
“Do you like when I kiss you?”
“Yes,” I blushed.
“Good. Because I love kissing you. It makes me happy, and I won't be mean to you, and I won't ever end our friendship. Because I want more, Sadie. I want more than this friendship with kissing benefits,” he smiled. “I want you in my life so I'm patient with you. I know I have to be, and I will be. I'm not going anywhere, okay?”
“Okay...” But I was starting to panic a little, I could feel it. I didn't want to, but I was uncomfortable, and nervous, and unsure of my decision and of Alex's confession, and of the 3 day trip in 3 weeks, and of everything else. I was starting to panic and I needed my space.
“Alexander, would you drive me back to campus so I can get my car?” I asked a little too abruptly.
“What's wrong? Did I freak you out? Tell me.”
“A little, but I'm okay. I'm trying.”
“I know you are. What freaked you out?”
“All of it, the potential, the future, us, everything...” I choked out. “What if I make a mistake again, or do something wrong, or I'm not very good for you, or-”
“Stop, Sadie. I said I would be patient, and I will be. We've spent nearly a year talking and walking with each other, and other than a kiss, have I ever asked for or taken more from you?”
Thinking, I knew the answer. “No.”
“Right. So if we go away and you're not ready for anything more, we just have a great time in Toronto, and I learn some amazing cooking skills I never would have learned on my own. That's all I want. Well, I want more, but I'll settle for just your company if that's all you can give me.”
Trying to calm the panic while looking at Alexander, I believed him. And he was right. He had never taken more from me than a kiss which I actually liked, so he wasn't so much taking, as giving me a kiss. He was right about his unbelievable patience with me, and I believed him.
Catching my breath, I took his hand again, as he squeezed my own, and I tried to relax. I looked at his beautiful blue eyes that matched his tie, and I tried so hard to push the panic and fear away. I tried to not ruin this day again with my panic.
But honestly, He kept barging into my brain. Memories of Him were invading my mind. I thought of the way He made love to me, and all the sexual intensity He held in my life, and I was overwhelmed with need. Feeling myself turning back to that time, I was in a haze of sexual need. My body was craving sexual touch, and I was desperate with the need to release.
Moaning, I closed my eyes as I rocked my body into the feelings He gave me. Breathing faster, I touched my body until I could feel myself building. I knew I was close, but I knew I needed more. I knew I just needed a little more pressure and touch and speed to help me release.
Building, I felt His fingers inside me, and I felt His thumb rubbing against me. I felt the speed and strength of Him entering me, and I felt the pressure of His demand. I was so close.
When I opened my eyes, Alexander was watching and he had his hand over mine in between my legs. My leg was on the table and the other over the arm of my chair. Alex was helping me tease and impale myself, and in that moment of time I was unaware of Alex and myself or anything else, other than the feeling between my legs as I sped towards my climax.
Arching, and spreading my legs wider as I pushed back into my chair, the release suddenly slammed into me.
Crying out, my body weakened even as my legs shook uncontrollably. And finally I was saved from the horrible need clawing at me, as Alexander lifted me and took me to my bed.
And I remember the journey, and I remember the strange nostalgic feeling I had of being carried to my bed by my stranger. I remember the feeling of being small in His arms. I remember being carried back to my bed to heal by Him.
Rolling to my side, I felt a blanket wrapped tightly around me. And I felt myself passing out, but I couldn't fight it. I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I had released for the first time in a year and a half, and I was done.
“That was the sexiest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life, Sadie. Go to sleep, baby. You have an hour until we have to leave for my parents’ house,” Alex whispered into my ear.
And nodding, I was soon unconscious.
*****
When I woke up later it was 5:00 in the morning to my absolute shock. I had slept for 11 hours. I had slept soundly for almost 11 hours. 11 hours had passed in a solid, heavy, deep sleep, and I was relieved for this sleep and the solitude I had had while I slept.
Looking around, I found a note from Alex on the pillow beside me.
Sadie,
I tried to wake you but you were sound asleep and I figured the night you had before exhausted you, so I decided you needed your sleep. Don't panic, I'm not mad or disappointed. I wanted you at the party, but really, it’s a party of all my family, and even I would love to bail on it. Plus, I'm sure you'll meet my sisters and brother eventually.
I hope you sleep well. I'll call you tomorrow. And I'm still coming over to cook for you tomorrow night.
Thank you Sadie for the amazing gift, but I don't have any demands or even expectations. Whatever happens happens, and if nothing happens, I'm okay with that, too. We'll be in Toronto together cooking with a master chef, which is pretty cool.
Have a great night and day tomorrow. I'll see you soon.
Alex xo.
Rereading his note, it really did seem like he wasn't mad or disappointed in me for not going to his party. But I would have. I didn't want to meet his hug
e family all at once, but I absolutely would have made myself go to his party for him. Alexander deserved it.
When I looked around my room, I was a little grossed out that I was still wearing my new black and navy dress from the day before, and I could even feel my makeup all caked in and nasty around my eyes.
But when I stood up to use the washroom the memory of what I did slammed into me like a train.
I remember being humiliated, and embarrassed, and aroused at once. I was disgusted and turned on. I hadn't had an orgasm in so long, that I couldn't believe how easily it had come to me in that moment. I couldn't believe how much I had needed that moment. I couldn't believe how much I had enjoyed that moment.
But I was also overcome with the need for Him. I missed Him and His touch. I missed the sexual history we shared. I missed having a man in my life who brought me such sexual pleasure and release. I missed Him. Still.
Showering, I remember crying and shaking with my embarrassment, especially when I cleaned myself between my legs. I remember wondering how I was going to face Alexander. I remember wondering if he would look at me differently.
And so I spent the day obsessing.
*****
When Alexander finally knocked on my door at 4:00, I was beside myself with anxiety. I could barely open my door to him, but I did. Bracing myself, I looked through the peephole at his smiling face, and I slowly allowed him to enter.
But before I could even speak, Alex took me into the deepest, longest, sexiest kiss we had ever shared. Gasping and shaking, I allowed him to kiss the anxiety right out of me again.
When he eventually pulled away, Alex breathed against my lips, “Was yesterday about me at all?” And I died. What could I possibly say to that? “It's okay if it wasn't. But one day that will be all about me, Sadie. You will want ME to make you orgasm like you needed me to help you get off yesterday.” And then he kissed my lips quickly, and moved past me for my kitchen.