“You're so beautiful, Sadie.”
But I didn't feel beautiful. I felt exposed and insecure and really quite neurotic in that moment.
“Lie down on the bed. I want to touch you a little- just a little. But you have to tell me when it's too much, okay?” And I nodded, as I pulled my leg away and turned to lie on the bed.
When Alex turned toward me and lay down next to me, I remember the feeling of fear I felt instantly. When he was leaning over me, I think wanting to kiss me, it was suddenly too much for me. Throwing my hands up from my sides, I pushed at his chest, until he moved back to my side.
And I remember almost attacking him. I remember preparing myself to fight. I remember digging my heels into my mattress for elevation and strength. I remember waiting, but he didn't move.
“Look at me, Sadie. I'm never going to hurt you, I promise,” he said as he moved slowly back toward my lips.
And when he kissed me I felt it everywhere. I felt his lips kissing my own, but my entire body felt his kiss, too. He was so good, and I loved everything about that moment with Alex.
Eventually, Alex moved a little down my body and took my nipple into his mouth. Sucking and nipping me through my shirt, I found myself lifting and arching to get him closer. I felt the moisture on my clothing, and the aching in my nipples as he switched sides. I remember I enjoyed him, and I enjoyed the sensation of being with him.
And when he eventually touched my vagina I knew it was Alexander. He was gentle and slow, and he didn't invade me quickly. He took his time working his fingers inside me. He took his time, so I knew it was him.
He didn't tear into me, and he didn't throw me into a frenzy of need. He was loving and slow and careful with my body. He was beautiful and patient. And I knew it was him with me.
I remember that moment always. It was that moment that captured me, because I knew Alexander was special.
Slowly he made his way down my body. Slowly, he continued his gentle assault within me. Slowly, he tried to please me.
When he pushed my legs apart and up, I closed my eyes and waited for the feeling I knew. I waited as he engulfed my body with his mouth and tongue. I waited, feeling his fingers and tongue try to coax a reaction out of me, but no reaction came.
I tried though.
Whispering a cool breath against my body, he asked, “Who are you thinking about?” And I told him the truth.
“You. Only you, Alex,” as he continued his slow love to my body.
Later when he reached into my bedside table, I was surprised when he pulled out a condom. Looking at me for permission I think, I nodded.
I remember thinking, when did he put them there? Maybe when I was in the shower? I didn't know. But I was surprised and distracted and I wanted to make Alexander happy, and I wasn't really panicked which was a first, and I wasn't thinking about anyone but him, so it seemed like something I could handle with Alex.
So we did.
And Alex was wonderful. He spoke to me the whole time, but not in a dirty way- more like to comfort me, and to remind me of him. He touched me lightly, and he kissed me heavily. When his body eased in between my legs, I didn't panic at his closeness like I had before. I didn't panic over what we were doing. I wanted to do this with Alexander, so we did.
When he finally entered me I was okay. I didn't hurt, and I didn't want to retreat. I was happy when he kissed me harder. I was happy when he smiled at me and moved within me. I was happy to be with Alex this way.
And when he whispered against my lips, “I love you so much, Sadie,” I was happy to be loved by him.
I felt like everything suddenly fell into place for us.
When he had finished, I could see his disappointment that I hadn't had an orgasm. I could feel his disappointment all around us. But I was happy, so I told him I was.
I made sure he knew I was happy, and I didn't resent his inability to bring me to climax. I took that burden upon myself. I explained that I didn't orgasm often and that it was a problem with me, not his technique.
So after he rose to use the washroom, I remember lying in my bed with the sheets pulled up my chest thinking that sex wasn't so bad. I remember being relieved by how easy it had felt with Alex. I remember being grateful sex with Alex had been easy.
And when he returned looking happy, I actually opened my arms for him. It was such a strange thing for me to do, but I opened my scrawny little arms anyway because I wanted to hold Alex in my arms.
So crawling up my bed, Alex situated himself between my legs and lied his head on my chest. Squeezing me tightly, he whispered, “I love you Sadie for being with me. I promise it'll get better each time we try.” And holding him tighter I nodded.
When he began pulling the sheet back down my chest, Alex whispered, “It's next time, Sade,” to my shock. And laughing at my reaction, he teased, “I'm only 25, so I'm ready about every 10 minutes or so.” And he was.
When Alex finally fell asleep next to me, I was truly happy. He had tried so hard to bring me to orgasm, but he never looked pissed off or frustrated with me. He just asked what I liked, when I liked it. He was so kind and loving, and really very good at sex, I'm sure.
At one point, I wanted to ask him how many women he had slept with out of curiosity. I remember thinking he had made a lot of women very happy because he was just so good at sex. But then I feared he would ask me the same and I didn't know how to answer that question.
I remember thinking about everything he had done to my body. I remembered his hands and mouth all over me. I remembered how much I enjoyed his touch; I just couldn't orgasm, but I don't think that was anything special. I think many women have that problem. So I lied in my bed with Alexander passed out beside me thinking of all the ways he was a terrific lover for me.
I dreamed of Alex in between my legs, and I dreamed of Alex kissing me hard.
And then the dream twisted as everything changed in a millisecond and I knew I was no longer with Alex. I knew it wasn't Alex with me, but I didn't tell him because I didn't care.
The need in me was so great, I found myself whimpering and begging. I found myself spreading my legs, and begging Him to touch me. I found myself touching my body as I moaned and arched into His touch.
And I was frantic with my need. I was half insane with the craving for Him to enter me. I needed His tongue, and fingers, and His body to enter me. I needed everything in that moment. And He gave it.
Pumping into me hard, twisting and biting my nipples, I arched into Him. Planting my feet on the mattress I pushed upward to help Him plow into me. Begging, I tugged and pulled at His skin. Moaning, I rubbed myself even as He pounded into me until I was done.
And on a scream I came for us. Milking Him, I felt Him slam into me as I came over and over again. But the tide wouldn't end. I was insatiable and greedy, and I needed Him. I needed more of Him.
So when He stopped moving above me, I grabbed at myself to ease the burn for more. I fingered myself until I felt His mouth and tongue devour me. Screaming and arching again as another release slammed into me, I still felt the need. I still needed. I was restless and relentless. I needed another orgasm. I needed more still. I needed...
Until I woke to Alex calling my name. Over and over, he called to me, as he wiped my face of my hair, and tried to soothe my body with gentle words and soft kisses.
But I was too far gone to stop. Writhing against him, I pushed and pumped my body against his thigh. Begging for more, I tried to ease my own need with my own hands and fingers. Grabbing and tugging and impaling and arching, I tried to get what I still needed, but I could hear him.
Breaking into my dream, Alexander was coaxing me down. Kissing my cheeks and temple, he was trying to bring me back with his warmth. Still rubbing up against his body, my body wasn't my own yet. I still felt the need but it was slowly fading. Slowly, I was losing the intensity of need which assaulted me.
“Sadie... Wake up, baby. Come on Sade. Wake up for me...”
And then
Alex entered my mind, and I woke on a gasp.
Feeling my body ache, I was awake. I knew I was awake because I had Alexander's scent all around me. He was around me and his scent was inside me. It was Alexander who I wanted to heal me.
Crying out, I was frustrated and embarrassed, but Alex soothed me back down.
“Oh, Sade... What did he do to you?” He begged quietly. But I had no words.
Struggling, I tried to get away from Alexander but he held me tightly to him. Shushing me and rocking me, he held me until he was the only thing I knew.
“I'm sorry...” I moaned.
“It's okay, baby. We'll work through this. Look, I know you're not there yet, but I love you Sadie, and I'm not going anywhere, I promise. We'll work out all this stuff with you.”
“But-”
“If I have to kiss you and make love to you for the next 50 years, I'll just have to do it. Okay?” And I could hear his teasing again and I remember knowing Alexander truly loved me and he would wait 50 years for me.
“Thank you,” I cried. “I do want you here, and I do want to be with you. I just can't help the dreams sometimes. But that's all they are; dreams.” And that was almost true.
They were just dreams then, but they were based on my past reality. So I didn't lie to Alex, which I promised I would never do. I didn't really lie to him, because He was just a dream then.
“Can you sleep? Can I get you a drink or anything?” Alex tried.
“I just have to use the washroom,” I mumbled embarrassed.
And when I turned on the washroom light, I was shocked to see myself. My lips were dark and swollen, my hair was a sweaty mess, my skin was flushed and glistening, and my body ached everywhere.
When I tried to use the toilet, my body burned. I felt swollen and full still. Everything ached. I was raw until I stopped going.
Stripping myself of my long t-shirt, I stood in the mirror and looked at my body. I had pinch type bruises all over my breasts, and my thighs had hand mark bruises. I was a mess. Grabbing a hand held mirror, I raised my leg on the tub and looked at myself, and I was swollen- very swollen and dark purple.
I remember looking at my own vagina trying to remember if I did that to myself, or if Alex had. But then I realized it didn't really matter. It was me who provoked it and it was me who demanded it. It was me who needed more than his gentle love making could provide, so I had caused it to myself.
After my shower, I walked back to my room in the early light of morning, and I crawled in next to Alex. Still wearing my towel, I eased onto my side, and pressed my back against him because I needed his warmth, and he gave it to me immediately.
Wrapping me in his arms, Alexander spooned me warm, and I was comfortable and exhausted in his arms. I was barely conscious within seconds of being held tightly in his arms.
“I love you Sadie,” he whispered, and I fell asleep soundly. Again.
*****
When Alex tried to make love with me a few hours later, my wince stopped him at once.
I remember him jumping up into a sitting position while turning me onto my back as he raised my knees and spread my legs wide. Looking at me so intimately was unnerving, and rather too much for me emotionally, but I didn't move. I just watched him looking at me as I felt him spread my labia apart. When he licked a finger and slowly eased into me I couldn't help my slight wince again, and he stopped. Looking at my body he attempted to touch me once more, but as I pulled away slightly he stopped immediately again.
“I'm so sorry I hurt you,” he said sadly, as he eased my legs back down.
“It's okay. I think it was mostly me. I think maybe I did that to myself when I was…” I admitted embarrassed again.
“Can I get you anything? I don't know if some ice would help with the swelling. Maybe I could go to the drugstore and pick up a cream for the discomfort?”
“No, thank you. I'll be fine,” I said while pulling his shoulders closer to me. I wanted him to lay with me and not fuss over me. I didn't want to discuss my swollen body or my crazy sexual frenzy in the night. I just wanted Alex in my arms, happy. I loved when Alex was happy.
“Are you happy, Alex?” I whispered.
“Very. I've wanted to be with you forever, Sadie.”
“I'm sorry I'm not really normal with sex.”
“I don't care. We'll work on it until you are normal with sex. I think maybe you can be with me. But if you never are, I don't care. I just want you, Sadie.”
“Me too...” I admitted, and I actually believed what I said. I truly believed Alexander was the one person who would help me. And I really did want him in my life always.
“Please don't leave me, Alex,” I suddenly gasped.
“I won't, Sadie. I promise I won't. And I'll make you happy too. It won't just be me. I'll make you happy, and I won't leave you. Ever.”
And again I believed him. Alexander wasn't a liar and he didn't play games. He was kind and gentle and he said he loved me and he promised he wouldn't leave me. And I believed him.
So falling back asleep peacefully for a few more hours, I woke to Alex bringing me a tray of food in my bedroom.
And that was our weekend.
We had The Weekend. The weekend all new couple have. The one weekend that makes a new start into a complete relationship. The weekend every new couple has where they have sex and eat, and hide all embarrassing bodily functions, shower, have sex, eat some more, shower again, and have more sex. The weekend when they lie in bed and eat in bed and screw in bed and talk in bed. The weekend where they each tell their stories and give insights as to what they want and what they wish for. The weekend the individuals in lust become a couple in love.
That weekend.
Alexander Hamilton and I may have been skirting around a relationship for nearly a year, but that weekend we were cemented as a couple.
We made love again Sunday morning when he thought I had healed enough, and once again later Sunday afternoon before he left to return home. And I remember looking at Alexander when he kissed me goodbye after our weekend, knowing he did love me.
CHAPTER 25
But 3 weeks later everything changed between us again because I knew I was pregnant. I knew it because I had experienced it almost 2 years earlier. I knew I was pregnant and I was sure Alexander would handle it way better than I was, which annoyed me to no end.
I remember sitting in my dining room while Alexander cooked us dinner. I remember the nausea churning in my stomach. I remember the scents and aromas wafting from the kitchen. I remember Alexander talking and talking about his day at the clinic he was working at over the summer as an Intern. He was talking and talking, and I remember wanting him to shut up. I was irritable and freaked out and I felt like hell.
For 2 days I was either sleeping, trying to sleep, or trying to wake up while exhausted, or I was nauseous. But I never actually threw up which I think I wanted at that point. I hated walking around with a constant cloud of vomit that wouldn't get out of me. To make matters worse, Alexander's food was so gross smelling, it filled the room with a stink I couldn't get away from, until finally I snapped.
“Alex, could you please open the kitchen window? The food fucking stinks!” I barked.
And after I snapped, I remember Alex slowly turned around to look at me, as he leaned against the counter, dusted off his hands with a dishtowel, while staring at me silently. Raising an eyebrow, he tried to prompt me to speak. But I couldn't.
“I'm waiting,” he said with annoyance. “I've been very patient with this nasty mood of yours for the past week, but I'm getting a little tired of it. If you'd like some time to yourself, all you have to do is ask for it. If you want me to cook something else, tell me what you want. If you want me to leave, ask me to leave. Just please tell me what you want because I don't think I've done anything wrong, but you’re acting pretty bitchy with me and I don't know why. So why don't you spare me all this crap, and just talk to me.”
“I think I'm pregnant,”
I blurted out as I gagged in my hand. Once again I couldn't just vomit and be done with it- I had to only gag and continue traveling on the nauseous roll coaster I couldn't get off of.
“Pregnant?” He asked quietly.
“I'm sorry.”
“Are you late?”
“Of course. Think about it, we've had sex for 3 weeks straight, and never once did I have my period. Plus, I feel horrible and exhausted. And I just know it, Alex,” I cried a little.
“Have you taken a test or anything?” He asked while walking toward me at my dining room table.
“Not yet, but I know Alex.” I just couldn't admit how I knew.
“Okay, I'll be right back. I'm gonna go buy a test, or two, just to be sure. Here,” he said turning back to kitchen. Pouring me a glass of water from the fridge, he hurried back to me. “Drink this while I'm gone, and another if you can. But don't go pee until I get back,” he said handing me the water and grabbing his wallet and keys from the hall table. He then turned again back for the kitchen and turned off the stove burners and lowered the oven heat, and then ran back through the dining room for the door as he yelled, “I'll be right back. Don't move, okay?”
And when I nodded Alexander stopped, walked back toward me, leaned down and gave me a kiss. He kissed me so deeply, I had to pull away when I felt a gag ram up my throat. Turning my head quickly, I gagged again as he turned to leave.
“I love you, Sadie.” And I nodded again as he left.
Once he was gone, I remember walking to the door to lock and alarm it behind him, then walking numbly to my balcony with the glass of water while lighting a cigarette. Sitting on my balcony chair, I smoked as quickly as I could in as little time as I had.