When I saw Alexander pull back into the parking lot of my little building 25 minutes later, I power dragged one last time, butted out my smoke, and ran for the washroom. Brushing my teeth as quickly as I could while gagging again, I exited with my glass refilled, but unnecessary. I already had to pee, even as Alex pounded on my door.
Looking through the peephole, I let him back in as I walked to my living room- the only place I could be at that moment. The smell of my kitchen and dining room was horrible, my bedroom got me into this mess, but my living room had the balcony door and some fresh air for me to breathe in deeply.
Sitting on the couch I shook with the knowledge of the inevitable. I was one hundred percent pregnant and I was scared. I didn't want to do this and I didn't know what Alex wanted. He was a good guy and pretty damn sweet, so I could see him supporting a decision to keep the baby, but I could also see him feeling let down if I told him I didn't want the baby. I was essentially screwed because the father of my future baby was a good guy instead of a prick, and wasn't that a mess for me.
“Can you do the test, Sadie? Can you pee yet?”
“Yes, I can pee, Alexander,” I answered annoyed by his sweetness again. How his kindness bothered me, I didn't know. But I remember thinking Alexander's brand of nice was really fucking annoying under the circumstances.
“Sadie, what's wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I'm sorry, I don't know. I just know how this is going to end and I'm mad about it, or pissed off, or scared. I don't know, but I need you to stop talking to me for a minute, okay?”
Nodding at me, I knew I had hurt his feelings. I knew he was trying to be a wonderful man for me, but I was too stressed out to appreciate it. I wanted to be angry at something, and his kindness was bugging me, which was totally irrational but I couldn't help it.
Standing, I took the bag from his hand not very gently, and stormed into my washroom. Ripping open the first package of 2 different kinds of the same test, I quickly read the instructions and squatted over the toilet as I peed on the tip of the stick and even on my hand accidentally. Replacing the cap, I stopped myself from peeing more, and I tore open another box as I re-squatted, peed on the next stick and on my hand again then placed the cap back on the stick and leaned it on the sink beside the first one.
Finishing my pee, I wiped my body and washed my hands while I waited, but the second one was already clearly 2 pink lines, and the first one was turning into a matching blue line like its window claimed it would if positive.
I was staring at 2 positive tests in 30 seconds. I was pregnant like I knew I was anyway, but at least now Alexander would know for sure.
Opening the washroom door, my bitchiness was at an all-time high. I held up the sticks to his face as he flinched, then I dropped them in the hallway as I walked to my room. Ripping off my clothes that stunk like the food he had been making, I angrily wiped at my falling tears and crawled into my bed. Waiting for Alex, who I knew would come to me, I was beyond irritated- I was pissed right off.
When I felt the bed dip, I snapped, “Good job, Alexander,” as he flinched beside me.
“Why are you so mad, Sadie?”
“Seriously? Because I'm pregnant and unwed with a bastard, and I look and feel like a tramp. Your parents already saw me hammered and then 2 months later I'm pregnant? Oh, I don't know why I'm mad,” I snarled my sarcasm.
“A tramp? Really? I think you're a little far from being a tramp, Sadie. And you sound really stupid right now. Unwed? A bastard? What the hell is this? The fifties? No one even thinks like that anymore, and we haven't even had time to talk about this yet. So why don't we talk-”
“I don't want to talk yet. I'm tired. Can you leave me alone?”
“You're tired? It's like 4:30. Are you really going to sleep, or are you just avoiding me?”
“Both! And I'm not stupid! That was really mean, Alexander.”
“I didn't say you were stupid, I said you sounded stupid. Look, I'm sorry, but I haven't had any time to think about this and you keep lashing out at me. Can you just give me a minute to think about this without you barking at me?”
“Sure take all the time you need. God knows, I have lots of time to decide what I'm going to do.”
“What we're going to do.”
“Uh huh.”
“Sadie, I mean it. This is between us, and we'll make this decision together, whatever that decision is. I'm here, baby.”
“Yeah, until you're not here.”
“I'm here,” he said angrily, trying to turn me toward him but I fought his hands. I wanted to be on my side staring at the wall. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. I wanted to be pissed off.
“Can you stop this for a minute and just talk to me?”
“Not yet. I want to be alone. You said I could ask you to leave me and you would. So please, just go,” I begged almost crying.
“Please... Let’s just talk for a minute, then I'll go. I promise. Please Sadie, I need to talk about this,” he begged in return almost crying.
“I don't know what to say to you right-”
“Then let me talk. Please, I want to talk to you before I go.”
When I heard his voice sounding sad I hated it. I hated it in my stomach which actually made me gag again. Alex being sad was a heartache for me.
“Okay... I'm sorry. Go ahead and talk,” I gave in.
Turning, Alex suddenly spooned me and held me tightly in his arms. Pushing my hair away from my ear, he kissed my earlobe, and exhaled across my cheek. Holding me, I was warmed immediately. I remember that; the feeling of warmth he gave me, and the lack of nausea for the first time in days when he held me tightly to him. Alex holding me made all discomfort and nauseous upset go away.
“When I was at the drugstore, I went crazy, running up and down the aisles looking for the tests. I actually yelled at a cashier 'where are the pregnancy tests?!' and she blushed at me. I think she felt bad for me having a pregnancy scare at my age. But after I got the tests, I walked to her counter and paid for them with a smile on my face. I even said, 'this is a good thing,' I think,” he spoke as I flinched. “Wait, Sadie. Just listen to me,” and I nodded for him to continue. “I don't know what you want to do because this just happened, but I want you to know I'm in if you want to have this baby. I'm totally in. Just thinking about it makes me happy for some reason. But we can talk about it. I just want you to know that I would be happy if we had a baby together.”
God, I remember that moment, and I remember hearing his voice. He sounded emotional, but so sure of himself. Alex did want this baby and I did think he would stick around. I realized he would be happy about this and I wouldn't be alone. This time I wouldn't be alone waiting for someone to help me.
“I love you, Sadie. And I know you love me even if you can't say it. But you do love me. You love having me around, and you love me in your life. I know you look forward to seeing me and I know you like me with you. We're working on the sexual difficulties, but other than that, we're doing really well together. I love you, and it would make me happy to have this baby with you,” he confessed while still holding me warm and kissing my cheek.
“I just need to think. But thank you. I really don't know what I want to do yet, and I'm afraid of being alone-”
“You're not alone. I'm here.”
“For now-”
“For ever,” he stated holding me tighter. And then we stayed quiet.
Eventually I fell asleep to wake later around 7:30 with Alex still holding me. Turning to face him, a gag hit me immediately, and I turned my face quickly from his in case I finally threw up. But I didn't. Again, I just felt like I needed to, but nothing would come up.
“Let me make you something to eat,” he whispered, even as I shook my head no. The thought of food was disgusting. “Just try, baby. I'll make you something you won't hate, I promise.” But stopping Alex when he had a mission to help was impossible, so I gave in.
Ten minutes later he w
as slowly crawling back into my bed. Helping me prop up against the headboard, he smiled endlessly at me. He was lighthearted and happy looking, the total opposite of my confused and freaked out.
“I don't know what I want to do yet, Alex,” I confessed.
“I know, but we have a little time, and I'll take care of you while you decide. I'd take care of you anyway, but I want to help you with this. This is ours, not just yours, and I want to help.”
Placing the tray in my lap, there was toast with a foreign syrup like glaze on it and it was sweet and delicious. I didn’t know what it was, but it tasted amazing. I actually ate the toast and drank the apple juice without feeling like I was going to throw up.
“What is this?” I asked wanting more.
“Just a little secret I read about. Apparently this syrup aids nausea and has a high fat content, some calories, and vitamins for the mother. Do you want more toast?”
“Yes, please. I'm starving,” I said, dipping my finger across the plate to pick up the crumbs.
“I'm going to be here for you, and I'm going to take care of you, Sadie,” Alex whispered against my lips as he kissed me deeply.
And he did.
For the next 6 weeks he kissed me, and held me tightly when I was nauseous and he stayed with me before and after his clinic shifts.
He was always with me. There was never a moment when I had to wait for him. There was never a moment of panic or fear. He never left me long enough to fear he wouldn't return to me. He always came back, and he always seemed to know when I needed a little verbal reassurance that I wasn't alone anymore.
For 6 weeks, Alexander fed me Special K, or plain chicken and rice, or his delicious sticky sweet syrup on toast, which was fast becoming my favorite choice for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Alexander was amazing, and I loved him for his attention, but I still didn't know if I wanted to have a baby with him.
*****
“We have to talk about what we're going to do, baby. I've let you put this off long enough, but we need to decide now. It's been weeks, and I assume you're around 10 weeks now, so we have to talk about what we're going to do. And you have to see a doctor soon,” he pleaded as he walked into my bedroom and kissed me hello.
“I need you make love to me,” I responded instead. And when I saw his head snap up, I actually laughed at his reaction.
We hadn't touched since the day of the pregnancy tests. Well, we had once when I had had a particularly vivid dream, but Alex had only gotten me off with his hands and mouth that time. There was no penetration, and no release for him, which bothered me even though he never mentioned it or complained about our one-sided encounter.
“Make love to you? Always. And I even get to go bareback this time which is a first, so giddy up,” he laughed, recovering quickly from my demand.
Smiling at his humor, I pulled him in for a deep kiss until he kissed me as hard as I craved. Actually, he devoured me with his mouth and I felt need rush inside me for the first time in weeks.
I had spotted a few weeks before, which we read was normal, but I wasn't spotting now, and I needed to feel Alex connected to me.
So we tried... and failed actually.
Something was different inside me. I felt like my insides were lower or something. It was like he touched against painful nerves inside me. Alex was slow and gentle, never thrusting hard or deep, but it was still painful and after a few minutes of trying different angles, we stopped trying altogether.
Looking at me, resting his forehead against my own, he asked if I was okay. And I told him the truth. I didn't enjoy that, and it had hurt badly, though I didn't know why.
So after a few minutes of silence, Alex made his way down my body and took me with his mouth and hands, which didn't hurt me. And though I climbed high, I could never quite get over and it only added to our frustration, I remember.
And so I gave my first blow job. I'm sure I wasn't very good, but I tried. I wanted him to be happy, and I wanted him to find his release since I couldn't. I leaned over his body and took him into my mouth while he held my hair away from my face and watched me.
“Go slow, Sade, so you don't gag,” and I did.
Taking him in as deep as I could, I enjoyed his sounds and movements. I enjoyed his smiles and groans. I enjoyed him moving gently against my mouth, until he was ready. Pulling out of my mouth he took my hand into his and we both stroked him to climax in the sheets. He came, and as I watched him I was suddenly turned on by it.
I remember being surprised that I was so aroused. I liked seeing him pump himself with my hand as he arched into the sheets. I liked watching his stomach muscles contract as he shook and moaned his release. I was turned on by Alex coming for me.
Suddenly touching myself, I felt my own climax build quickly. Touching myself, Alex pushed me to my back and took over. Rubbing and impaling me with his fingers, he forced my own orgasm from me. Spreading me wider, he bent and licked and sucked at me as he tried to coax my release, and I did.
Arching and moaning in turn, I released into the sheets for him. I was exhausted and worn out, but I had come for Alex as well.
Afterward, slowly turning from him, Alex spooned me and we fell heavily asleep together.
But Alexander eventually woke me in a panic. Shaking me, I opened my eyes to him sitting with my legs over his knees as he looked at my body closely. Talking on the phone, he kept trying to rouse me while still speaking to someone else.
And that's when I knew what was happening. Again. Trying to close my legs in my embarrassment, Alex forced them wide open with his hands as he cradled the phone on his shoulder. Actually touching part of the sticky bloody mess with his fingers, he explained what he was seeing to whoever was on the phone.
And looking at my surroundings, I remember the feeling of being mortified. I didn't want this again, and I didn't want to feel this again. Strangely, I thought of my mother and a new wash of embarrassment hit me. I was exhausted. I was exhausted from all this crap all the time, and I knew my mother would think I had fucked up again. I knew what she would think, but I didn't care this time. I remember feeling bad for Alex.
Trying to close my legs again, he shook his head no as he continued talking. And I remember that moment of feeling shut out from my own body again. Alexander was taking over my body and I didn't have the strength to fight him. I was weak and exhausted. I was so tired I closed my eyes and attempted to sleep through the embarrassment.
Waking on route to the hospital, Alex held my hand tightly as he spoke to me. He was right there beside me talking about our lives together. He spoke of our future, and he repeated over and over that he was with me and he wouldn't leave me ever. And I believed him.
Reaching out to Alex, I squeezed his other hand and thanked him for being with me. I thanked him for being so wonderful, and I thanked him for loving me. I remember thanking him over and over for the wonderful life he wanted to give me. I remember wanting him to know that even though I didn't think I loved him the same, I did love that he loved me, which sounded convoluted, but was the truth nonetheless.
Alexander Hamilton was everything to me then. I didn't have to wait for him, and I never questioned his intentions. He had proved himself to me completely. As I lay on the gurney I looked at Alex and knew I wouldn't ever let him go. I didn't want to.
Alex never asked me for anything but my affection, but he tried to give me everything, and I loved that he loved me enough to try to be everything that I needed from him.
In the hospital, I was rushed to obstetrics to a waiting team of one doctor and two nurses. They knew what was happening and they were trying to stop it. I was still freaked out by my pregnant reality, but I was glad people were trying to help Alex and I, because I didn't want this sadness for him.
“I'm probably anemic again,” I admitted to the busy room, and they acted accordingly.
45 minutes later I was comfortably listening to Alex relay any information he could to anyone who would lis
ten. He told a doctor our assumed date of conception, and he explained how tired I had been. He even told them all the meals he had prepared and what I could and couldn't eat. Listening to him, I thought he was amazing.
And then the nurse asked a question I didn't think would haunt my life with Alexander. She wanted to know if this was my first pregnancy, and when he answered yes, I couldn’t breathe.
But then the doctor looked into my file and stated, “Second pregnancy with previous second term miscarriage,” and I flinched.
Looking away, I remember the clock on the wall. It was giant and meaningless. Time was moving so slowly as the doctor continued asking questions of Alexander. Time was irrelevant in that moment because I was sure I was feeling the end of my relationship with Alexander. I knew he would be hurt that this wasn't my first pregnancy, and that I hadn't told him about it, and that I had experienced all this before him. I knew he would be sad over my previous miscarriage and I hated seeing Alexander unhappy.
“Was he there for you?”
“No,” I said to the clock.
“Did he know?”
“No,” I mumbled.
“Did you hide it from him?”
“No,” I breathed into the quiet of my room.
“Then I don't understand, Sadie. Explain it to me.”
“He was gone. He didn't come back until I had lost it. I didn't have the chance to tell Him, and then it was over by the time He came back, so there was no point,” I cried.
“That's awful, baby. I'm sorry you had to go through that alone.” And turning my head to look at him, I believed him again. Alexander was looking at me so sincerely, with tears in his eyes, holding my hand to his mouth as he spoke. “When was it?”
“Almost 2 years ago,” I confessed again.
“Well, I'm here, and I'm not leaving you, Sadie.”
“Thank you,” I choked out. Crying, I held his hand to my cheek. Tugging him closer, I needed his warmth to surround me and he gave it. Crawling up the bed beside me, he gently lifted my head so I could rest on his arm. Holding me tightly, he warmed me even as I cramped up again.