“I didn't know you could be funny, Lynda,” I said sounding a little stupid. But she smiled at me anyway.
“I have 5 kids and 6 grandchildren. I have to have a sense of humor,” she laughed.
After we all seemed to exhale any tension left, I stood and said I needed to go check on Jamie, but Lynda stopped me again.
“Sadie. He's fine. He's sleeping,” she said in a tone which sounded a little too motherly for my liking. And looking at her, I knew it was a challenge, so I slowly nodded and went to the kitchen instead.
And she did help us. Remembering Lynda now, I'm so thrilled I lost it on her because after that horrible day she was a friend to me. She still wanted me to be better I could tell, but she was always nice to me and she helped Alex and I whenever she could.
Later that evening, she had Chris stop by and then Mr. Hamilton even arrived with pizza after work. Eating dinner we all talked about everything wrong with our awful house and Paul, Alex and Chris walked around making lists while Lynda and I played with Jamie.
And everything was better after that day. Lynda paid all our current and our in-arrear bills, and then she loaned us two thousand dollars extra to buy the supplies we needed to fix up our dump.
4 months later, Alex got a real job as a Chiropractic Practitioner, and 1 month after that we sold the dump. Alex was starting to make decent money, and he had a growing clientele, based on all his old friends, and his family. He was doing well, so I was thriving, because when Alex was happy, I felt happy, too.
Shortly after Alex got his new job, we found our current house and moved in two months before Jamie turned two. We moved into our forever home knowing what we were getting into and knowing what we could afford. We were smart with our second house. We actually budgeted and figured out actual costs instead of potential costs. We were smart, and we haven't struggled so hard since.
Money at the beginning was still thin, without much extra for extras, but we managed.
I worked part time until Jamie started Kindergarten and I loved my job, eventually. I spent as much time with Jamie outside in our own garden as I could, and I've managed to make him a little gardener as well. He loves being outside with his mommy, and I love having him with me.
I'm still a little obsessed with his health and safety, but I'm much better now. I actually let Alex and Jamie out of my sight for short trips to the store, or to grab a pizza in town. I just don't let them go too far. I can't.
Jamie is everything to me, and Alex knows it. Alex accepts that I need Jamie to make me the best Sadie Hamilton I can be, and he's okay with that.
CHAPTER 30
When Jamie was 4, my mother called to tell me my father died unexpectedly from a heart attack in Florida. My father died and I was kind of sad about it. I was sad because I was never very close to my parents and I realized I had missed my chance with my father. But mostly, I was sad that my mother would be alone, especially because I knew how much she loved my father.
My father was buried in Florida, and Alex was amazing. Alex booked the flights and made all the arrangements. Alex took over everything while I continued doing my things in a little bit of a fog. I went to work, and picked up Jamie, and I waited for our flight the following morning.
And Lynda and Paul Hamilton made the trip as well. With a grace I was long since used to, Lynda showed up at our house, packed our bags, and took care of Jamie while I went for a little drive. I drove away and had a smoke, which I thought under the circumstances was completely justified.
And when I returned home Alex was with Jamie, because his mother and father had left. Alex explained that we were being picked up by the airline shuttle at 6am and his parents would be at our home by 5am to help us.
The funeral was lovely- almost festive. My mother and her Florida friends had made a quick funeral wonderful.
And my mother looked amazing. She was charming and delightful, and she was warm and friendly to Alex, Jamie and I, and to the Hamiltons. She opened up her condo to us and we all got along well.
My mother was so good natured considering the loss I know she was suffering deeply, that she even made the crass joke that my father always wanted to die in bed, he just wanted to be doing something naughty when he did it, to Lynda and Paul’s humor, and Alex and my horror.
2 days later when it was all over and the five of us were going to fly back home without my mother, she pulled me aside and handed me a check, and I remember thinking, already? And then honestly, I remember thinking, we could really use this. Not to imply I would take the money over my father, but he was dead anyway, whether I received the money or not, so I took it gratefully.
And with her typical behavior, my mother gave me the check and joked that it was too bad I was flying out or we could go shopping together. She told me she desperately wanted to update my wardrobe which she said was way too old for someone my age. And I remember a rare moment of weakness when she looked at me almost like she was asking me to stay longer with her, but I didn’t.
I thought about it though, I honestly did. Then I thought, why? She and I are basically acquaintances at best, and I'd probably just feel weird in Florida surrounded by her and all her friends, so I hugged her goodbye and we left on the fourth day after my father’s death.
I remember when we returned home Alex being all wonderful as usual, and it almost annoyed me because honestly, I felt fine. Truly, I felt fine. But Alex thought I was devastated, or maybe should have been devastated. Alex thought I must be heartbroken. Alex thought I should feel something. But I felt almost nothing for the death of my father which is awful, and not.
I saw my parents every couple weeks in the summer and every year at Christmas since I was twelve. I spoke to my mother once a month while they were away for months at a time, for years. Jamie barely knew them. And quite frankly, I barely knew them.
If I was to be really honest, I would say that the wonderful Hamiltons had far become better parents to me than my parents ever were. So I didn't feel as bad as maybe I should've, but I just didn't feel much for them living or dead, sadly.
I remember the night we returned home putting Jamie to bed, then walking to my bedroom to a waiting Alex. Alex was waiting for me with his arms outstretched like I needed comfort, but I didn't. I needed some warmth though, so I gladly jumped into his arms to warm myself.
“How are you feeling?” He whispered into my hair.
“Good. I have some good news. My mother gave me money from the inheritance.”
“Really?”
And leaning up on my elbows, I turned to him with a smile. “I figure we can split it and I'll pay off my student loans and make a small down payment on the flower shop, and you can pay your parents back, and maybe pay into your Practice. What do you think?”
And he couldn't hide his grin or excitement, even under the circumstances, though I'm sure he tried to. Alex was a good guy and he took death much more seriously than I did. Actually, he would be devastated if one of his parents died so he probably felt for me the way I should've felt about my own father's death.
“Can I ask how much?” He asked slightly embarrassed.
“A hundred thousand. So we could split it and take 50 thousand each. Is that okay? Or should we sink it into the house or something?”
“Whatever you want, Sade. We're fine paying the mortgage, but we could certainly pay off some of our debts, and I'd love to finish paying back the loans from my mom, especially for the down payment on this house.”
“Okay...”
“Plus, I think it’s a great idea for you to buy the flower shop. I don't think Heidi is looking to make a killing. She told me at Christmas she just wants to retire comfortably. Do you want to pay my mom back, and use the rest on your loans, and for the flower shop so you won't have any debt either? I'm fine with that. This is your money from your father, baby.”
“I know, but I think you should have some too.” And I did.
Alex had always supported me, and Alex had always taken on
the financial burden of our relationship. Even when I started working, it was part time and it barely helped. He's the one who took care of me financially and emotionally when I couldn't take care of myself. He's the one who worked and studied and continued his schooling until he graduated and succeeded, all while caring for me physically and emotionally. It was always Alex.
“How about I see what Heidi is asking, and then we decide on the leftover money, after we pay your mom back for sure? I want you to have some of this too though. You deserve it, Alex,” I said into his neck as I kissed him.
And then we made love. Again, slow and beautifully. Alex took his time and he made me happy. Alex had long become a good lover to me. He had figured out what my body liked and needed to be pleased sexually. He had figured me out eventually.
All my quirks and issues were addressed and either we had moved past them, or we had moved through them.
Alex had become the best husband he could be, and the best friend I had ever wanted. The intimacy between us was natural and loving. He could look at my body with affection and I could watch him look at me with a sense of happiness and love.
And I loved him, there was no doubt. Over the years he had made me love him with his strength and unyielding ability to keep going with me when others would have walked away.
He had changed me.
I was sober, successful, and comfortable with myself. I no longer used crutches or tools to self-destruct when I was stressed out or lonely. I knew what was wrong with me and I acted accordingly. I took care of myself the way Alex had taught me to. I no longer waited for more, but lived happily with what I had- my husband and my son.
So 5 months later I did end up buying the flower shop from Heidi, and Alex and Jamie were so cute about it. They had a party for me and made me cut a ribbon across the door. My party was small obviously, but I still loved that they were excited for me.
I loved that Mary, Kim, and even Chris came to my opening with their spouses and children. Diana was traveling, but otherwise, all the Hamiltons came, as did my mother. And I remember Lynda was especially proud and happy for me, which felt good. I had always wanted her approval, and I had worked really hard to get it over the years.
And Jamie had it in his little brain that we were millionaires because his mommy owned a store, and he mapped out his entire future around it. Jamie was sure he would build flowers with his mommy when he was older.
And joking, Alex said he had been an owner at his Practice for a while, so he was a millionaire too, but Jamie just shrugged. Even though his dad was clearly better than his mommy, being in the healthcare industry, Jamie only saw the dazzle of a storefront, and the sound of the bells over the door.
In the end, I spent just over 60 thousand of the money on the store and on my loans, and I made sure Lynda was paid back, leaving Alex with just over 25 thousand to use on himself, which he sunk into his Practice. 2 new Chiropractic tables were purchased, and the whole office was given a facelift, which his 2 partners loved.
And so we continued.
I set my hours around Jamie's school, and I have worked every day from 10am until 2:30 so I pick Jamie up by 3:00 after school. I don't work evenings, though I'm always available to come in if my small staff needs me. And I never work weekends because weekends are for my boys.
My life is really good now.
My life was really good then.
My life changed a few days ago.
My life started spinning on Wednesday.
*****
I received a letter on Wednesday that prompted this entire weekend. A letter I didn't expect. A letter I read in shock which made me send Jamie and Alexander alone to Mary's. A letter which has left me teetering between the sane and insane which I'm struggling to navigate through at this very moment.
Crying the entire day, I didn't go to work on Wednesday, and I faked illness when I called Alexander to pick up Jamie from school at 3:00 because I was unfit to drive my little boy. I faked illness to excuse the crazy that has claimed me.
2 days later they left because I sent them away without me. Jamie and Alexander are gone so I can say my goodbye and figure out where I go from here.
I sent my baby away to protect him from the me I might become.
On Wednesday after driving Jamie to school, I spoke with a few parents about a fundraiser we're throwing for the school and I carried on about my morning. I never arrived at my small flower shop before 10am, so nothing was amiss when I returned home, collected the mail and made my way inside my home for my waiting coffee.
Tossing the mail on the counter, I grabbed the heavy Manila envelope I mistakenly assumed was for Alex's Practice, and I tore it open.
But when 'The Story of SMA- Her Story' fell out in paperback form I stood deathly still. I saw the book, and my world suddenly faded away. Everything became dark and fuzzy as I stood holding the counter for support.
And after an endless amount of time I looked back inside the envelope to find the letter that has changed my life.
Again.
CHAPTER 31
Looking at my blue Asian silk journal I'm reminded of everything from my previous life. I feel everything I ever felt, and I remember everything I was put through.
I remember the years I feared everything.
I remember the sounds of the man who hurt me.
I remember the sounds of the man who loved me.
I remember the feeling of hating my body and trying to destroy it.
I remember all the years I spent waiting for the man who loved me to come back to me. I remember waiting. Always.
I know I thought He would be back for me one day. I know I thought He would be back to love me again, even after I tried to push Him away.
But He never came back.
I have lived a good life, with a wonderful husband and a beautiful son. I have made myself change. I have made myself better. I have made myself. But I always wait for Him, still.
I think I always thought enough time would pass until He would fade into a memory. I think I thought enough time would pass until He was no more than a reminder of days long since gone. I think I always thought I would forget the feel of Him so that I could move onto a nostalgic youthful memory of Him.
But I've always been wrong. And I wait still.
I think deep down I still wait so I can finally say goodbye to my dear stranger. I think that’s why I still wait.
But He has never come back, so I have never said goodbye.
And I wait still.
“Where is He?” I beg my empty garage.
“Where are you!?” I scream out into the silence of my garage.
*****
Seeing Alexander suddenly standing in the garage doorway, I can't believe I'm looking at him. When did he get back? When did he open the door? Did I hear the alarm? I don't know, but I'm looking at him suddenly, and he looks so sad to see me.
“Oh Sadie... What did you do?” Alex seems to moan.
“What's wrong, Alex?” I whisper.
Opening his hands in front of his chest he begins to move slowly toward me. Actually, his hands are shaking and he looks really bad right now. What the hell happened?
“What's wrong, Alex?” I whisper again.
Looking, my neighbor Cheryl is behind him in the doorway. Talking quietly on her cellphone, Cheryl isn't looking at me and I don’t understand what the hell is going on?
“Why is Cheryl in my house?” I whisper.
When Alex shakes his head I don't know what he means. IS she in my house? I swear I'm looking at her.
Confused, I yell, “Cheryl?!” And then she looks right at me. Smiling and lowering her phone, Cheryl looks right at me as she starts walking into my garage slowly, but I still don't get it.
“Why are you here?” I whisper.
“Hi Sadie. I thought I'd stop in for a minute when I saw Alex come home. How are you?”
“Fine. Why are you here? You never come over ’cause I think I’m too quiet or weird,
or something…”
“Oh, that's not true. I think you're great, Sadie. We always talk outside, so I thought I'd drop by for a coffee. Is that okay?”
Looking at her, I shake my head no. Not now. Not when I'm in the garage. Why is she here? Oh! Grabbing my pack of smokes, I hide them between my legs. Stuffing them all the way into the space of my thighs, I'm sure I was fast enough that Alex didn’t see them.
But no one is talking anymore, and no one acknowledged my smokes as Alex shuffles closer to me with his hands still out. He looks really sad though, and I don’t know what the hell is going on?
Trying to break the silence, I look at Cheryl again. “It's nice to really meet you, Cheryl. What kind of nurse are you?”
“I'm a Labor and delivery nurse. I bring babies into the world,” she smiles. Actually, her smile is beautiful. She looks very happy with her career choice. And why shouldn't she be? Her career choice is noble. She's a delivery nurse who brings life into the world, and she’s lovely.
“That’s wonderful, Cheryl. Do you have a doctor?” I smirk with an eye brow wiggle.
Smiling back at me she says, “Nope. The Doctors at my hospital are way too arrogant, and I can't stand a man who acts like he's god, which most Doctors do. So I stay away from them.”
That makes sense. I would hate to be with a man who had a god-complex.
“How do you know Alex?” I whisper. I wonder if...
“Just from the neighborhood, Sadie. Alex called me when he hadn't heard from you, that's all.”
“Oh.” Wait. He called her? “Are you having an affair with my husband?” I whisper.