I did everything regarding Jamie, and if Alex attempted to help, I admit I was a bit freaked out. Usually, I stayed quiet, but sometimes I would tell Alex what he was doing wrong, or what he should do, or what I would do, until he gave up and handed Jamie back to me. Usually, Alex smiled at my suggestions, and gave in. Usually, he just gave into my instruction without anger or resentment. Usually, he understood that I was Jamie's mom, and therefore I trumped him completely.
Once in a while however, Alex started an argument with me over Jamie's care, but then he backed off when I struggled to explain myself. If I struggled with my need to love and protect Jamie, Alex backed off, because I think he understood I wasn't trying to be mean to Alex; but rather I was trying to be a good mom to Jamie. So thankfully, he stopped the arguments from escalating.
Anyway, I remember after Alex and I finally made love I brought Jamie into the living room where Alex had already straightened up the couch cushions and I sat next to Alex while Jamie nursed. We sat together as a family while I fed my baby and cuddled next to Alex's warmth. And we were happy.
Everything fell into place. The dreams stopped, and the need vanished. Jamie consumed my days and nights, and Alex allowed me to thrive as a mother first, and as a wife, second.
And 4 months after Jamie was born we moved into our first little house, and it was awful. Failure to disclose multiple issues had us scrambling just to survive. We had naively thought because our mortgage was only a little more than our current rent, we would be fine. We thought we could swing the slight increase in utility bills from my apartment. We thought we could handle the slight increase in our cost of living, but we were wrong.
We were broke, and Alex struggled endlessly. We were in our mid-twenties, playing house, married with a child, and we were so poor, I remember being embarrassed that we couldn't even afford to have his parents over for dinner.
And the house itself was horrible for us. The roof had a leaky spot in the corner of our bedroom and the windows actually whistled in the wind. Everything about our house sucked. Nevermind we didn't even have enough furniture to furnish it, but we tried to make it work.
We tried so hard until Alex and I talked one night 9 months after we moved in. Finally, Alex admitted we had accumulated too many bills to pay. Alex admitted he was struggling over the weight of paying one bill first, and rolling over another bill the next month. He admitted we were behind almost 2 months’ worth in each of our bills. And I was caught totally by surprise.
I was surprised Alex actually told me he was struggling, so I knew it must be very bad if he was telling me about it. And I was surprised that we could be so screwed so quickly, because I thought it took people years to accumulate debt. I thought people made bad decisions with their money, or poor choices with their demands and wants. I didn't know any better because I had always had student loans to pay my way, and very few financial demands before our house.
But it didn't take years, apparently. It took us only 9 months to put ourselves in a big hole. So Alex and I made a few decisions together. Together, we talked about what we could and couldn't do- what we would and wouldn't do. We talked together about our situation.
Afterward, Alex admitted he was so scared I would freak out if he told me we were in trouble that he waited. He was scared I would lose it if I had to think about all negatives, so he tried to deal with it all alone. He told me he had put off telling me we were in trouble for months because he didn't want me to lose it.
And again, I should have been offended that he thought I was so weak. I should have been pissed that he had put us in a bad situation without telling me for months. I should have been pissed that he always expected the worst from me, but I wasn't. He was right to fear my reactions to stress BEFORE Jamie. But after Jamie I was much stronger.
And so I gave him shit for not telling me sooner, but I kissed him and said we would figure it out together. I told him I was getting a job, and between our 2 mothers and his sister Mary we would have someone to watch Jamie while I worked. I lied to Alex and told him I was okay with going to work. I lied and said I was fine with someone else watching Jamie. I lied for his benefit, so he was happy again.
But I’ll admit, the thought of anyone touching my son made me nearly violent. I couldn't stand to be away from him. I couldn't even stand Alex touching him, and he was his dad. The thought of our mothers watching my baby made me want to run away with my baby, but I didn't. I held it together for the first time, for Alex.
So 3 weeks later, I started working part time at a flower shop down the street from our awful house. I waited for my mother or Mrs. Hamilton to arrive at our house and I walked down the street to work. I worked my shift, trying to learn all about the beautiful flowers, while obsessing about Jamie. I called endlessly. I used the washroom way too often so I could sneak little phone calls to my mother or mother in law, but everything was always fine. There was never a problem with Jamie, I just assumed there would be.
And 4 hours after my shift began, I would run down the street to our awful house, throw the door open, and shake with my relief to hold Jamie again. Sometimes, even if my baby was sleeping when I returned home, I couldn't fight it- I had to wake him and hold him, to his grandmothers’ horror. But I didn't care. I needed to hold my son. I needed to know he was okay, and safe, and alive, and safe.
Once, a few weeks after I started working, I had a particularly intense feeling of something wrong, and I paced and paced behind the counter. I smiled at customers and to my manager, but I was almost sick with the overwhelming feeling of wrongness inside me.
I remember calling my house, but no one answered. I remember calling my mother’s cell but she didn't answer. I remember calling Alex, who was still working at the clinic, and he answered. I called him freaking out because I was nearly hysterical with the knowledge that something was wrong with my son.
So I left the flower shop without permission. I just bolted and ran down the street to my son. I ran the block and a half in under 5 minutes. I ran until I saw Mrs. Hamilton with my son walking down the street.
And then I made a huge mistake.
Screaming her name down the street, she turned toward me with a smile, until she really looked at me.
Screaming, I ran for her hysterically. I screamed and yelled and spit fire at her. I grabbed for my baby in his stroller until he suddenly cried out. I screamed horrible things and I made atrocious accusations. I screamed at my mother-in-law while bouncing my screaming son in my arms.
To say I lost it is an understatement. An older couple stopped to stare at us, while Mrs. Hamilton stayed silent in front of the psychotic mess I was with the screaming baby in her arms.
I yelled words like kidnapping, and murderer, and evil bitch and fucking KIDNAPPER!! I screamed until I was suddenly wretched to my left by Alex.
Looking at him, still ready to fight everyone who threatened my son, I lunged at him and almost dropped Jamie. I lunged at Alexander as Mrs. Hamilton lunged for Jamie. I lunged as Alexander pulled my hair, twisting my back sideways to make me stop my assault.
And then the world collapsed around me. I remember looking at the scene play out with a kind of slow motion confusion. I remember my confusion. I remember knowing I was confused but unable to understand what was actually happening. And then I suffered my first post-adrenaline dump in years.
Leaning over while shaking violently, I threw up on the sidewalk as the older couple watched the scene play out with fascination. I threw up my lunch, and effectively cleared out my body and my mind at the same time.
Hearing Jamie still screaming was what woke me up fully. Looking to my right, I saw Mrs. Hamilton holding my son close to her chest, bouncing him, while shushing him with kisses all over his little tear-stained, snotty face. She was ignoring my behavior completely to care for my son.
And then everything changed for me in that instant. Feeling Alex's hand on my back, rubbing me calm, I knelt on the sidewalk. I pulled him with me and grabbed hold of h
im for his warmth. I needed his warmth to make me better.
“Sadie? What happened?” He breathed into my hair, as I finally burst into tears.
“Let’s go inside,” Mrs. Hamilton demanded, as she walked away from us with my son. And looking at her back while hearing my baby cry, I quickly scrambled up and followed her, leaving Alex on the ground behind me.
When we climbed the 3 stairs to our awful house, I stayed away from Jamie. Even when he reached behind his grandmother for me, I didn't touch him. I was afraid Mrs. Hamilton would be mad at me if I touched him. And I was afraid of what she would do to him if I made her angry with me. I was deathly afraid of absolutely everything in that moment.
So after opening the door, Mrs. Hamilton walked into the bathroom with my crying son while I stood alone in the living room silently shaking. When Alex suddenly touched my shoulder, I shrugged off his hands because I really didn't want to be touched while I waited for my son. I wanted nothing but my son.
My baby was crying in the bathroom with his grandmother and I didn't know what to do. So I stood silently still, waiting.
5 minutes later, Mrs. Hamilton walked out with my quiet little boy in her arms and she handed him to Alexander. She handed him to Alex and my devastation was complete. She thought I was a bad mother, and she was going to take Jamie away from me.
“Please don't take him away from me... Please. I'm a really good mother. Ask Alex,” I begged as my breath left me with a gasp.
“Sadie. Go sit down over there,” she said pointing to the couch. “Alex, there's a bottle in the fridge. Give Jamie the bottle in his crib, and come back right away. He's very tired and he'll sleep immediately,” she stated as Alex left with my son. “Sadie. Sit,” she said again much more forcefully, and I obeyed at once.
“When was the last time you cried?” She asked me while standing over me.
“What?”
“Cried, Sadie? When did you cry last?”
“I don't know. Before Jamie, I guess,” I mumbled while wiping my nose on my sleeve like a child. And when she handed me a baby wipe, my humiliation was complete.
“Come here, Sadie,” she said as she sat down beside me. Taking me into her arms, I struggled to maintain my limited composure, until I just collapsed and cried all over her. Sobbing, I made a mess of her shirt, and a mess of my life. Sobbing, I let the darkness overwhelm me until she spoke.
“14 months is a long time to not cry, Sadie,” she said, as I tried to stop my sobbing. “I know you love and respect Mary; do you know what she did after Tyler was born? Well, she dropped him off at my house and told me she didn't know when she would be back. She handed me a months’ worth of stuff, and ran back to her car, even as I held a 4 month old Tyler in my arms and called for her to come back to talk to me. But Mary left me her son and took off,” she said laughing. “Mary was gone one hour and then she came back hysterical for him. I didn't even have time to empty any of the bags she left before she was back for Tyler. And Kimberly? She booked a trip with Allan when Brady was a year old, then cancelled the morning they were leaving without even telling Allan. They lost the hotel deposit, and they were stuck paying all the airline fees, and then they fought the entire week because Allan was so mad at her. They spent the entire week at home fighting, until she came to move back in with us. But thankfully, Allan arrived the next morning and they spent the last 3 days of their vacation alone while Paul and I watched Brady over the weekend.” Moving me slightly against her shoulder, I tried to lift my head, but she patted my cheek until I resettled.
“Okay, then there's me. I couldn't leave Mary alone for a second. No one could do anything right with her. I yelled at Paul all the time. I hated Paul's mother, so I wouldn't even let her see Mary. Paul and I lived in a kind of messy, crazy home where we didn't speak or even really like each other after Mary was born. Well, I didn't like him and he was just trying to get through the days with me. I was suffering from post-partum depression as it’s called now, but we didn't call it that then. It was simply the 'baby blues', and Doctors weren't too aware of what was happening to some of us. Back then, they just gave us Valium for everything, which I took,” she said laughing again. “Well, I only took it for 2 days, but it was enough. Paul found Mary in a filthy diaper, dirty and crying on the living room floor, while I was passed out beside her on the couch. And Paul was livid with me. Anyway, I never took Valium again, and I tried very hard to get a grip. My mother in law started coming around more frequently, and I eventually relaxed a little with her. I never liked her, till the day she died actually, but I did see she was a good grandmother, and I relaxed a little with her taking care of and watching my little baby girl. Oh, I forgot the best one. Paul and I finally decided to have a date when Mary was 6 months old, and he had planned a very romantic dinner at a restaurant we couldn't afford, and he even booked a hotel room for the night because our house was so messy and not very romantic at that point. Anyway, I started crying in the car to the restaurant, and I cried in the restaurant, and I cried leaving the restaurant until Paul just drove straight to his parent's house so we could get Mary. And we did get her, and I was a little better after that. But Paul started taking more responsibility of her when he was home from work after that night. Just little things like taking her outside while I finished cooking dinner, or taking her for a quick walk on the weekend. Just little things I could handle, but then I ended up pregnant with Kim and everything changed again. I was pretty sick with her so I actually enjoyed Paul and his mother taking Mary more. By the time Kim was born, I was much better. I didn't obsess over Mary or Kim, and I learned to multitask without freaking out so much because Paul was a good dad once I let him be. And by the time Diana came, and then Christopher, I had the whole 'if it's not bleeding, I don't need to know' philosophy down,” she said making us both laugh.
“And finally, I had Alexander and raising him was almost a joint effort. Mary and Kim were 9 and 10 years older than him, so they helped quite a lot. And we're all fine. Well, Christopher is still a pain in the ass, but my girls are good and Alex is a wonderful son, father and I hope husband to you.”
“He is. He's amazing for me,” I admitted finally looking at her. Sitting up, I again pulled another diaper wipe and tidied my face as I looked at her. “I am so so sorry I said all those things to you outside. I didn't mean them, and I don't really think that way about you. Not really. I was just so scared when I didn't know where Jamie was. I think I kind of lost it and panicked. But I'm really sorry Lynda.”
“I know. It happens. But why did you think something was wrong?”
“I actually felt it at work, and then I called home and no one answered, and then I forgot you were with Jamie today and I called my mother's cell and she didn't answer, so by then I was almost hysterical thinking something was really wrong. I actually left work without telling them, and I'll probably be fired now and I really need to work,” I said embarrassed.
“Alex. You can come in now. I know you've been listening in the hallway,” she said smirking at me.
And like a kid caught doing something wrong, Alex walked into our living room, grinned at his mother and sat down across from us on the other couch.
“So what's going on? I won't tell your dad if you don't want me to, but I want to know. Is it finances?” And we both nodded. “How bad?”
And then Alex spoke. He told his mother everything. Actually, he told his mom a little more than he had even told me. He told her everything, but even as he spilled about this horrible money guzzling house, and our growing debt, he seemed to think it was only a short term problem. Alex was sure we would get out of this as soon as he could practice, because he was sure he would be successful and we would be fine. Alex was so positive and sure of himself, I think he convinced both Lynda and I that we would be fine soon, too.
“Okay, so I'll give you a loan to get you out of this mess, and then I'll give you a second loan to sell this house and buy a better house,” she said over Alex's obvious objections.
“I said a loan, Alex. I know you're good for it, and I wouldn't offer if I didn't think you would pay me back. I would never make this offer to Chris, or even to Diana because I know they would take the money and run,” she grinned. “But you're different Alex, and I know Sadie wants my approval, so I know she wouldn't run either,” she said while squeezing my hand. “But you need to dump this house first. It's awful. I don't know why you bought it and I don't know why you didn't ask your dad and me to help you first.”
“We needed a house quickly with Jamie, and the Realtor was very nice so we believed everything he told us. He even set up the house inspection, which passed. So we grabbed it because we could afford to pay the down payment,” Alex admitted embarrassed.
“Oh, I get it. I'm not judging. Your dad and my first house was a dive in the worst part of town. I just didn't know if there was a reason you two picked it. I didn't want to offend you if there was something you actually liked about it.”
“God no. This house is awful,” I said, making Alex laugh with me.
“It really is, mom. You should see the heating bills and the leaks in the roof and the weird smell Sadie and I can't find in the basement.”
“And that wallpaper in the bathroom actually stares at me when I'm in the shower,” I said making us all laugh.
“It does look like eyes! It's the weirdest thing I've ever seen,” Lynda howled with laughter. “I can't even use the washroom here because I feel like the creepy walls are watching me!”
“I know. I'm sorry it's so awful, but Alex and I tried.”
“You did try and now you'll try again. I'll ask Chris to come over and fix the roof for you, and I know Paul knows a good contractor to fix the broken fence outside. Maybe Mary and I can help fix it up a little inside. I know she has extra furniture in her garage from their remodel last summer, which will be good to use. And I can even help paint after you return from work. So we'll get this dump up for sale in no time.” Mrs. Hamilton calling my house a dump sounded so funny to me I burst out laughing.