“Then what happened?”
“You know the rest. I started talking to you, and I started walking you to and from class, and that's it. Patrick didn't ask me to do that- I wanted to. I liked walking with you. Do you remember that?”
“How could I not? You slowly pushed your way into my life.”
“That's not true, Sade. I didn't push my way in- I patiently waited until you let me be in your life. Until I kissed you. Remember?”
How could I forget? Alex kissing me changed my entire life. Alex kissing me upended my life. Alex kissing me was the start of my new life, I think.
“I loved it when you kissed me and that's what almost destroyed me,” I cry as Alex holds me tighter.
“I didn't almost destroy you, Sadie. You were already destroyed. I just helped you get better,” he says angrily. And I suddenly realize he's right. I want to be mad at this betrayal of sorts, but he's right. He didn't destroy me. I WAS destroyed.
“Why did you lie to me? Why didn't you tell me?”
“I didn't know how and it really didn't change anything. Patrick may have asked me to look out for you one specific day, but everything after that was all me. I didn't want you alone and sad anymore. I didn't want to see you look that way, especially since I remembered you from high school.”
“Do you still talk to him?”
“No.”
“When did you stop?”
“Shortly after you and I starting talking again the summer you freaked out. After I kissed you.”
“But why?” I still can't wrap my head around any of this. Patrick and Alex? I had NO idea they knew each other.
“Do you really want all the truth, Sadie?”
“Yes. I think it's time. I'm pretty freaked out by his letter and by you knowing him, and by everything else, actually.”
“Please, don't be freaked. There isn't anything else to tell. I knew Patrick. He asked me to look out for you, and I did. Then I fell for you, and you and I moved on together. That's the end of the story.”
“Why did you stop talking to Patrick?”
Pausing, Alexander takes a deep breath and says, “Because Patrick didn't want us together.”
“What? Why? What's so bad about me? Patrick always said I was better than I thought I was. Why wasn't I good enough for you?”
“Actually, he didn't want ME with you. He loved you very much Sadie, and he wanted you to be happy, and apparently he didn't think I could handle being with you.”
“What does that mean? Because I was so hard to handle?” I ask pissed.
“You were hard to handle, but that's not why. Patrick thought I wasn't strong enough to overlook all the stuff in your life, and he thought I would eventually hurt you, emotionally. Patrick was sure I was just a player looking to get a piece of ass and he didn't want that for you. He even said as much which really pissed me off at the time. Patrick knew nothing about me really, but he thought I couldn't handle being with you. So I proved him wrong.”
“What? Like I was a game to you to-”
“Not at all. I just knew I could make you happy so I told Patrick to leave us the fuck alone. And then I kissed you and you disappeared again and I knew you were bad because you stopped going to your summer courses, and I didn't know what to do because I told you I would wait for you to contact me and that I wouldn't do anything, so I asked Patrick what I should do about you. And that's when he told me about his thesis.”
Stiffening, I'm almost sick with my upset and anger. Patrick showed him that garbage. Patrick told Alexander about his theories of SMA? Patrick told Alexander and Alexander never told me! Suddenly pissed, I push his arm off of me, and grab for my smokes. Shaking and trying to light a smoke, I actually hear myself moaning out loud. I hear myself and even feel myself rocking, but I can't seem to stop either. I'm officially a mess.
“Sadie?”
“Don't. I want to think for a minute.”
“But I need you-”
“Shut UP for a minute,” I bark while power dragging on my smoke, as he silences immediately.
Alexander knew everything and he didn't tell me. Alexander knew and he let me think I kept all my secrets. He knew what Patrick thought of me and he never let on that he knew all the details I could NEVER discuss with him. Alexander always knew.
“So you know everything...”
“I know Patrick’s version of everything, not yours. So I ignored it.”
“Really? You ignored it?”
“Yes.”
“That seems fairly unlikely Alexander. You were with me and knew all these things about me, but you ignored them?”
“I did. I waited to see if you would ever talk to me and you didn't. You never talked about all the stuff before me, so I chose to ignore it. I chose to leave it in the past where it belonged as far as I was concerned. You didn't ever talk to me, so I assumed you didn't want to talk to me about it. So yes, Sadie, I ignored what I knew.”
Turning my head I stare at Alexander. Staring, I try to see if he's telling me the truth. I try to understand how a man could know all the sick and twisted that was me, but ignore it anyway. Looking, I try to understand Alexander Hamilton.
“I don't understand you, I really don't. You make no sense to me. You have always been so kind and attentive and loving toward me. You have always been such a miracle in my life but now I know you always knew and I don't understand you at all anymore.”
“You understand me-”
“I don't. I'm more confused than ever. I thought if you didn't know everything I could understand why you wanted to love me. But you did know and you said you loved me anyway. So you really don't make any sense to me anymore.”
“What doesn't make sense? Tell me. I love you and I've always loved you and I chose to ignore your past so that I could love you.”
“Nobody loves the damaged girl. Nobody. Especially if they know why she's damaged.”
“I did, and I do. Nothing matters about before, Sadie. I only care about where we took each other. I care about the life we live together- the life we created together. I don't care about your past anymore.”
“Anymore?”
“Fine. It's a bit of a shock to find out you slept with Patrick. That I didn't know. I guess that part wasn't in the thesis I read years ago,” Alex snaps angrily.
“It was just once. And it was a very strange night.”
“I'll say! How is that even possible? Patrick is very, very gay. So I find it hard to believe you had sex together though you've both stated you did. I can't even imagine Patrick with a woman. Not just you. So yeah, that's a bit of a shock I’m going to choose to ignore.”
Alexander says all that while visibly angry. I'm not sure if it’s because he knows I had sex once before him, or because it was with Patrick. I don't really know anything anymore.
“It was only once and I had a particularly bad night, and Patrick was there and I just needed to connect with someone, and he and I connected,” I say lamely.
“Connected. Yes you did,” Alexander says sounding really mad or maybe jealous. I don't know.
“Look, not that I have to justify anything to you, but I've slept with 3 people BY CHOICE my entire life- you being the third. I know you slept with many women before me but I don't care. So why should you?”
Leaning toward me, Alex takes my hand again and exhales.
“You're right. I'm sorry. I am jealous and for some reason it bothers me to think of you and Patrick like that- maybe because it seems like he took advantage of you or something. I don’t know. It just pisses me off that he thought I wasn't good enough for you, but that he could sleep with you-”
“Once!”
“Once, and that was okay. But you're right. It's none of my business. It was before me and we don't talk to Patrick anymore, and we never have to see him again so I'll ignore it.”
“But I don't know if I can ignore that you lied to me all these years. I don't know how I feel about any of this. I don't know how I feel about t
his book coming out, or about my life in print. It's all so weird, and I think I'm mad at you for not telling me all of this in the beginning.”
“Again- there was nothing to tell. A mutual friend asked me to check on you, which I did. Then I watched out for you because I wanted to. Then we started a relationship and I never talked to Patrick again. The end, until his letter.”
“I don't know... I feel kind of betrayed or weird about you now. Then again I feel weird right now in general,” I laugh.
“Would you please come inside with me? Please? I want to make you something to eat, and you need to clean yourself up. Please let me help you? I was frantic to get to you and you scared the hell out of me when I found you. I just need to fix this so we can move on. Please?” Alex asks me so desperately, and he looks so shaken, and I feel so awful physically AND emotionally, I just give in. What's the point of staying here any longer?
“Okay...”
And moving slowly, I realize just how cold and stiff my body really is. Rising slowly, I realize just how weak and tired my body is. Standing slowly, I realize just how drained and exhausted my mind is.
I did what I thought I had to do this weekend, but nothing feels finished. I still don't have a sense of closure, and I don't feel like I said goodbye to anything or anyone this weekend.
CHAPTER 33
When Alex and I finally make it to our bathroom he starts the shower instantly. Placing me on the toilet seat, Alex grabs towels and checks the water, opens the overhead cabinet while studiously ignoring me as I sit shivering.
Ignoring me, I feel cold and alone. Even with Alex beside me, I feel totally alone in my head until he suddenly turns back to me and crouches on the floor before me.
“Sadie? Why did you take your clothes off?” He asks gently.
“I couldn't breathe.”
“From the smoking?” He asks stupidly.
“No, Alex. From the stress and pressure,” I answer sharply.
Nodding at my explanation, Alex slowly removes the blanket from my shoulders. Slowly, he uncovers me. Slowly, he makes me colder until the shivering becomes almost a whimper.
“I want to look at your legs before you get in the shower,” he says as we both look down.
Looking, I feel so dirty suddenly. Filthy, actually. I have on the same underwear since Saturday, and nothing else. I know I look deranged. I know I look dirty and abused. I think I look like I remember I must’ve looked years ago.
“Do you know who raped me?” I ask as the air suddenly leaves the room.
Slowly sitting on his heels, Alex places his hands on the uncut part of my thighs and looks at me sadly. Wow, I can't believe he knows this too. I guess all the secrets I’ve stressed over for years were for not.
“Yes...” he exhales.
“How did you find out?”
“He told me and Doug Brock at a party when we were in University. He was hammered and he told us like it was no big deal. He told us like it was nothing.”
“He told people?” I ask shocked. “Why would he do that? He was in the clear.”
“Like I said he was very drunk. So was Doug. But even Doug sobered up the second he told us. Doug was actually the one who punched him first- before I even had a chance,” he says with a slight scowl.
“What happened? Does anyone else know? Does everyone know?!”
“Calm down, baby. I don't think he told anyone else. He was just being a fucking idiot with his buddies. He told us because Doug was talking about a woman he had slept with the weekend before. It was typical guy shit; bragging about who you had nailed on the weekend. It was normal… until he said your name. And then all hell broke loose.”
Gasping for breath, I feel the tears falling down my face onto my legs. I feel them falling, but I can't wipe them because I'm too cold to move. I don't want this anymore.
“I don't want to hear this,” I whisper.
“Are you sure? Maybe you need to hear what became of him. Maybe you need to know so you can move on.”
“Did Patrick tell you I saw him once?”
“No! When did you see him?”
“I don't know, years ago. I was with Patrick and he was waiting for me on the street. He was standing there and I lost it. I hurt myself and freaked right out and Patrick had to take care of me. I saw him though, and I never knew why.”
“When was that? When did you see him?”
“I don't know when. Before the Patrick thing. Before I met you again. Before... you.” Panicking, I grab for my throat. Fighting the fear, I gasp for breath until Alex pushes my head between my knees. Rubbing my back, Alex is shushing me and rubbing circles into my skin as I try to fight the fear.
“Where is he?” I croak.
“He's in jail actually. He was caught selling drugs. He's in jail for years, so you're safe from him, baby. I swear you are. He will never hurt you again. Never, Sadie.”
Nodding, I can't talk. Shaking, I can't function. Moaning, I can't breathe.
“Listen to me. I ruined him, Sadie. I made him quit school and I made him go away. I turned all our friends against him, and Doug and I destroyed him. Doug and I made it impossible for him to continue at school and we made it impossible for him to stay around us. Doug threatened to tell the Police what he did if he didn't stay the fuck away from you, forever.”
“Why? Why did you and Doug do that?” I mumble as I slowly lift my head. Looking at Alexander, I'm once again shocked by what he knows. I never knew he knew so much. I never knew he was always aware of everything because I never knew anything.
“Well, I know Doug was pissed because he had a bit of a thing for you in high school. He mentioned you more than once over the years and I know he felt sickened and disgusted by what happened to you. When he told us what he did to you, Doug lost it. He punched him viciously until I had to pull him off with a few others at the party. Doug had always liked you in school and when he found out we knew who hurt you he went crazy,” Alex admits shaking.
“I don't want to hear this, Alexander.” I beg.
“Sadie. There's more. Are you sure you don't want to hear it so you can move on?”
“Why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you tell the Police?” And I realize my words sound like an accusation as Alex stiffens in front of me. “No! I'm not blaming you, I just don't know why you didn't tell.”
“Because you didn't. I don't know. Doug and I were going to, but then we talked and realized you didn't tell the Police and we didn't know why you wouldn't, so we figured there was a reason. I knew you knew him because of the Prom party a few years before, so I thought you had a reason for your silence. That's the only reason, Sadie.”
“Okay.”
“Why didn't you tell on him, Sade? Why did you let him get away with hurting you?”
My amazing friend. The boy who knew I had an older lover and therefore thought it was okay to rape me. The boy I trusted. The boy I stupidly told about my stranger. Therefore, I had to protect my secret with my silence. Always.
“I was afraid,” I choke. Sobbing suddenly, I hold tight when Alex pulls me into his arms. Holding tightly, I cry on him. Holding tightly, I'm warmed by him. Holding on tightly, I'm exhausted by everything in my head.
“Of what, baby? Him hurting you again?” Alex asks gently.
“Everything. All of it. He was so popular and friendly, and I was Sadie the Prude and I was young and I was afraid of everyone finding out and blaming me for being a dick tease, or whatever else I might be called. I was afraid of all of it.” Pausing, I remember his words until I cry out, “Alex, he kept saying he loved me and that he was making love to me and that he was showing me his love and stuff like that. And I had all this other stuff in my head, and I was confused and-”
“It's okay, Sadie. I get it. You can stop if you want to.”
“I need to sleep, Alex,” I moan.
“You need to get clean first. I don't know how long your legs have been like that. Let me help you. Let me hold you up,” he as
ks as he stands.
Lifting me by my arms, Alex actually leans down and slips my dirty underwear from my body, as I stand humiliated further in his arms.
“I'm so sorry for all this. I don't know what happened anymore. Patrick's letter made me think of lots of things, and then I was afraid of you because I didn't know what part you played in my life, and I was so confused, and the pressure was just too much this time. I didn't mean to be so gross, and I didn't mean to be like this again.”
“It’s okay, Sadie. Lean on me,” Alex say as he steps into the shower with me fully clothed. Lean on me, and I do. Lean on me like I always do. Lean on me...
“You're so good to me, Alex.”
“Because I love you, Sade.”
“Why?” I beg.
“Why wouldn't I?”
Almost laughing I picture what I must look like, and smell like, and seem like, and I shake my head with a grin. “I can think of a thousand reasons why you shouldn't.”
“Well, I can't,” he says as he pours shampoo into his hand.
Standing, I place my hands on the tiles in front of me for support. Smiling, the feel of having my hair washed is amazing. Smiling, because everything seems better in the shower, I can almost breathe fully. I can almost feel peace or something in this quiet moment in the shower with Alex.
“I hate Kyle,” I whisper as Alex stops washing my hair and pulls me closer to his chest.
“Me too, baby.” And that's it. What else can we say?
10 minutes later, Alexander has cleaned me from top to bottom. And when he cleaned between my legs I was mortified, but he was so clinical about it, I just waited him out. Waiting, I knew Alex wouldn't dream of taking advantage of me, and I knew he would never hurt me when I was so weak. Alex would never hurt me.
“I believe you won't ever hurt me, Alex. I know I never tell you that, but it's true. I actually believe I'm safe with you,” I whisper.
“It's about time, Sade,” he says in my ear. “I've proven myself to you for years, and I've waited for you to finally believe in me.”
“I know you have. I'm sorry, Alex.”