“Better late than never I guess,” he whispers in my ear, and I know he's teasing me. We're okay. I've made another mistake, but Alex and I are okay.
When Alex helps me from the shower, I'm wrapped in multiple towels, until he finally strips himself of all his wet clothes. Stumbling for our bed, I can barely walk I'm so exhausted. Stumbling, I'm exhausted completely.
“Don't fall asleep, honey. Please? I want to grab you something to eat first. Can you please stay awake?”
“I'll try. But I'm exhausted, Alex.”
“I know, but I'll be quick. Just sit upright until I get back,” he says in our doorway with a towel wrapped around his waist.
But I know I failed because the dreams stole any peace I felt with Alex as soon as I closed my eyes.
CHAPTER 34
Feeling Him inside me, I moan and writhe as my body begs for more from Him. I need more. I need release. I need to feel this again as I pump and push for the release I need.
I need, but Alexander's voice forces its way slowly into my brain. I hear Alex, not Him. I feel Alex, not Him. I know Alex, not Him.
“Please...” I beg.
“Sadie. Wake up. Sadie!” And I don’t want to wake from this, but slowly I do.
Turning to Alex, I feel my climax on the brink. I feel myself. I know I'm touching myself, and I'm almost there. I know it, but all I see is Alexander's face of disgust watching me.
Sliding my hand out from between my legs, I can’t even speak through my embarrassment. I pause as I try to return to the real world. I pause as I try to come back to my current bedroom with my own husband in the house we love with the memories we've built together.
“I'm sorry...” I cry. And I am. I don't know why this happens and I don't know why it's happening now. I wish it didn't happen, honestly. I wish that feeling of need would go away forever.
“Was it Him?” Alex asks darkly.
“No,” I lie. But I can see he doesn't believe me and I can feel his hurt all over our bedroom. “I'm sorry. I don't know why that happens. I don't know why...” I cry again as my arousal fades away completely.
Staring at Alexander I feel like I know something. I feel like he knows something. I feel like there is something greater than this room and the reality within it.
“What's wrong, Alex?”
“Nothing,” he says a little too angrily.
“I'm sorry for that. I don't do it on purpose and it's only when I'm sleeping. I never do that when I'm awake,” I say, neglecting to mention the time in the garage a few days ago.
“I know. And I'd like to say it’s okay because you're asleep, I really would. But it's not okay for me. I hate it and it makes me feel used and disgusted when you get off in your sleep to someone else.”
“But I don't know-”
“Yeah, I know. You don't know because you're asleep. And when we were first together I helped you and I serviced you when you were thinking of someone else, but I thought that would change. I thought given enough time you would only think of me when-”
“I do!”
“You don't. You might not do it much anymore, but you still do sometimes. Sometimes I wake up and you're having a full out orgasm in your sleep, and I watch with both fascination AND disgust- or maybe with sadness. I don't know. But it hurts, Sadie. I hate it because I feel like just the piece of shit you're married to but not the lover you want, and I fucking hate it!”
Pushing onto his back, Alexander stares at the ceiling as he throws an arm over his face. He’s shutting me out and he's right but I don't know how to change it. I wish I could change it.
“I don't mean to hurt you,” I whisper as I touch his chest.
“I know, but it does. Think about it in reverse, Sade. Think about how YOU would feel if I was getting off in the night, in my sleep, moaning and writhing in our sheets while thinking of another woman. Think about it…” He says while turning his head toward me.
“I swear I don't mean to do it. I just-”
“I know, Sadie! Jesus Christ, I know. You can't help it, but that doesn't make me feel any better. We've been together for 8 years, and you still think of someone else! It makes my skin fucking crawl. And yet, I'm still hot for you. I think that's why I would just fuck the hell out of you years ago when you were all keyed up. I wanted you so bad, I didn't care who you were thinking of when we screwed like that. Plus, I knew when you weren't sleeping it was about you and me making love together, so it was all okay or something. I just tried to ignore all the sleeping bullshit with you. I ignored it because we were together and you love me, and we have a good life together now. Well, until this weekend hit, we've had a few really good years. But I hate it, Sadie. I really fucking hate it and Him.”
Looking into Alexander's eyes while he rants I'm struck with the feeling again of sitting on a ledge. I feel like we're right there but we need a push. I feel like I'm teetering on knowing something more but I don’t know what it is.
Wrapping my arms around his chest, I ask the question.
“Alex? Do you know why He never came back for me? Do you know? I know you don't want to know about this, and I know you don't know who I'm talking about, but I can't believe He walked away. I know I told Him to, but I can't believe He left me. He was everything to me for almost 7 years and He left me just because I told Him to? It doesn’t make sense. Do you know why He left me Alex? Do you?”
Begging, I squeeze Alexander tightly. Begging, I need him to hug me back. Begging, I need Alex to make me Sadie Hamilton again. “Please, Alex. Do you know where He went?”
“Sadie... I don't know who you mean?”
“You know. I know you know. You know everything, remember. You told me you knew everything so I never had to tell you anything, and you DID know everything. You know, Alex. So please, just tell me.”
“Sadie, I don't know what you mean.”
But he's lying- I can tell. A wife always knows when her husband lies to her, and mine is no different just because he doesn't lie very often doesn't mean I don't know when he does. I know he's lying which means he knows what happened.
“Alex, please... Tell me why He left me? I need to know. I mean I know I told Him to leave because I did, but I had told Him before to leave me and He always came back, even when I didn't want Him to. I asked Him before and He always came back. And He said He'd come back. He left but whispered He'd be back, even though you and I were together and I really didn't want Him to come back anymore. But that last time He came to me right before we were married He left me forever and I don't know why. Do you know why He left me?”
Staring at Alexander's face I can barely breathe. My lungs are gasping and my heart is thumping in my chest. I feel my tears dripping on his chest, but I can't move with the fear. I think we're about to jump off a cliff together.
“Please Alex... I’ve always loved Him. Do you know why He left me?”
“You've loved Him...?” He chokes.
“I always have. I can't help it. Do you know what happened? Do you know why He left me?”
“You've always loved Him, huh? Really? Well, fuck you, Sadie! How could you say that to me?” He yells, shoving me off his chest. “How could you say you've always loved Him? I'm your husband and I'm fucking good to you. How could you say that to me?” He yells while jumping out of our bed.
In our room the sudden explosion of sound threatens everything within me. Alexander yelling makes me aware of the reality of this moment. I need to fix Alexander before he can jump.
“Oh, I love you too. It's just different from-”
“Different? Really? Like I'm just the asshole you're married to, but He's your soul mate or something?”
“Yes. No! Not like that! Do you know what happened?”
Crying, Alex stops pacing and says, “Yeah, I know.”
Whispering, I beg, “Tell me...”
Struggling to sit up slowly, I don't want to spook Alexander because I want him to talk. I want him to tell me what he knows. I want this...
“Jesus Christ! I almost lost my mind when I saw Him leave your apartment one night thinking, 'no way, not Sadie. She wouldn't have a lover. Not her. She's much too innocent and messed up to put out.' But then I saw Him leave your apartment and I looked in your window and I saw you naked and recently fucked and I didn't know what to do, so I watched Sadie. He was 37 years old for fuck's sake. 37 and you were 22 and fucked up and He was fucking you, Sadie. So I watched you and then it was over a fucking year until I finally saw Him leave your apartment again, and you and I were already talking and walking on campus until I kissed you. But you freaked out and wouldn’t talk to me after the kiss, and you wouldn't screw me even though I was good and I loved you, and there He was in your apartment that night and I waited and I watched from your balcony window you and Him in your bathrobe, and then in your bed hugging each other, and then finally I saw Him leave in the early morning without fucking you and I thought maybe you didn't fuck Him because you knew you loved me. And I needed him to go away Sadie. For you!”
“I don't understand,” I cry pulling the sheets tighter. “You saw us?”
“Yeah, I saw. Once by mistake and the second time on purpose that summer. Actually, it was quite good timing on my part- but you didn't fuck Him that night.”
“I didn't. I told Him to leave me alone because-”
“You finally realized how sick and screwed up it was?”
“No! Because I wanted to try to be with you,” I yell desperately. “But how did you see us? I didn't know you then. That was before Patrick asked you to spy on me,” I ask confused again.
“When I found out Patrick knew you and I knew where you lived I checked up on you sometimes. That's all! It wasn't spying- I didn't do anything wrong! And really, what were the Vegas fucking odds of me seeing Him in your apartment? Very fucking unlikely, but I did!”
“But you saw us, so that was way before Patrick asked you to check up on me.”
“So! I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You were like a weird little rumor after high school. Everyone knew you just kind of vanished after you were attacked, and when I found out where you lived because of Patrick I checked up on you sometimes.”
“But-”
“Look, it doesn't matter when I saw you. You needed Him gone and I made that happen and we've been fine. You haven't cried for Him or asked about Him in years. And I thought you were fine. You haven't had your dirty little dreams about Him in a long time, so I thought you were finally over it.”
“What did you do?” I gasp.
“I read your sick journal when we started dating, and I knew how long He had been fucking you and I made it stop for you...”
“What did you do, Alexander?”
“Nothing! Everything!”
“What does that mean?” I scream to get his attention.
“When I saw you the day after we were married, I freaked out. I drove back to your apartment and I read your book again and I knew He had been there. I knew He had been there the night before our wedding. I knew He hurt you and I read how you fought Him. For the first time I read what He did to you and I read how you protected our baby. I read it all, and I freaked out. Then I made Him go away.”
“How, Alex? How did you make Him go away?”
“I drove to your parent’s house and had a talk with your father.”
“WHAT?! Why?!”
“Because I love you and I've always loved you, just like I told you the first time we made love. You needed me to help, so I fixed things. I fixed YOU. We're fine and I did that for you. I made Him go away, FOR YOU!”
Choking, I beg, “What?”
“I didn't know what to think because I knew you weren't close to him, but fucking him? No wonder you were such a fucking mess when I finally got to you!”
“Why? I don’t under-“
“Because I told you I loved you and I would wait for you forever. I just didn't know I was waiting for you to stop fucking your goddamn BROTHER! Do you know how fucking sick that is? Your brother, Sadie?”
“What?” I whisper.
“Your brother, Sadie. Jesus Christ! You were fucking your brother.”
“What...?” I whisper again as everything spins around me.
Looking at Alexander there is darkness everywhere. But Alex looks like a spotlight in my vision. He looks like he's glowing in the room. Every sound has faded, and every object has disappeared. I am in a tunnel of Alexander. I am looking at Alexander as the world falls away.
Shaking, I hear His voice all around me. Shaking, I remember His voice all around me. Shaking, I feel His voice inside me.
We were born for each other...
You were created for me…
You were born for me to love...
Oh god.
My brother.
When Alexander moves slowly toward me I shake my head no, but he continues anyway. Walking with his hands outstretched, he slowly kneels on the bed beside me.
“Sadie?” He whispers.
“I didn't know...”
“You DID know.”
Shaking my head frantically, I know I didn't know. “I didn't know....” I whisper again.
“I think you did know Sadie, but you didn't know what to do about it. He raped you when you were a tiny little 17 year old and he was a 31 year old man, so I think you chose to make it beautiful so you could deal with it. You chose to make it love instead of a nightmare. I know you knew Sadie, you just couldn't handle it, I don't think.”
“I didn't know...”
“You DID know, baby. But I think you chose to pretend you didn't know.”
“I didn't know...” I moan.
“Fuck, Sadie! Think about it. How didn’t you know? After I'd been to your parent's house once I saw His picture and I knew for sure. I saw the picture your dad had of Him in your house. Granted there was only one grad picture, but it was His picture, and it was right there in their living room. I didn't know who he was when I saw you two screwing, but I knew by the time He came back and hurt you before our wedding night. You knew, baby.”
“I didn't know...” I mumble shaking my head.
“You knew. And by the time we were together, I knew who it was, but it looked like you had sent Him away that night before we were officially together, so I chose to ignore it. I convinced myself that whatever was going on between you two was over. Whatever sick fucking thing was between you both was totally over that summer, so I ignored it. I loved you and you looked like you said goodbye to Him, so I waited for you to come back to me. I waited until school was starting up again and I couldn't wait any longer, and then I called you again to make our walking dates. I thought it was over between you two, so I chose to ignore how disgusting it was. I ignored it and pretended I didn't know what had been going on in your life, Sadie, even though I didn’t know who he was yet. But you always knew,” Alex says again. But he's wrong.
Pulling at my hair, I find comfort in rocking back and forth. I know I didn't know. I know it. How could I? I never really knew Him. I met Him twice when I was little and my Dad was trying to stay close to Him after the divorce, but that’s it. He was before mom and me. He was part of my Dad's before us life. He wasn't part of my Dad's after us life. I didn't know.
Suddenly jumping in my own skin I remember the first time He came to me.
He hums to me a lullaby as I slip into a comforting trance of early childhood. This lullaby is familiar, yet I can't place it.
Together we were alive. Together we were born for each other.
Oh my god...
“I didn't know...” I cry out.
When Alex suddenly grabs my arms and pulls me to him I can't help but collapse onto him. Holding tightly to his shirt, I keen a cry of repulsion.
“I didn't know... I didn't know... I didn't know...” I rock.
“Sadie! Stop. It's over.”
“I didn't know... I didn't know...”
I think Alexander is speaking but all I hear is an ocean sound of one thought only. Crashin
g into my brain like waves... I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know.
“SADIE!! Enough, baby. It's over. You didn't know, okay? I believe you. I believe you didn't know, okay? Stop!” And I do. Alex believes me, so I can stop talking now.
But I can't stop thinking. I was 16 when He came to me. I was 17 when He fucked me. I was 22 when He impregnated me. Oh. My. God!
Suddenly gasping and gagging on our bed I think of that baby. That baby was going to be His. It would be His and I would have had a lifetime with a child of His.
“Sade! What is it?”
“That baby...” I croak.
“I know. But it's over, honey. The baby didn't happen, and you're so much better now. We have Jamie now. It's over.”
Quickly standing, I just have to get away from Alex for a minute. I have to. It's not his fault, but I'm so disgusted and shocked and freaked out I don't even know what to do with myself. Actually, I know exactly what I want to do to myself, but I can't. And I won't. And Alexander shouldn't have to suffer through any more of my crazy because I can't handle all this pressure weighing me back down. Alex shouldn't suffer any more with me.
“You have to leave me. I'm disgusting,” I cry.
“That's never going to happen, Sadie. That was all before us and it's over now,” Alex says angrily.
“You have to leave me. You have to take Jamie away from me,” I moan desperately.
Walking to my closet as Alex calls to me from the bed, I ignore him as I pull out my warmest jogging suit and dress myself. Pulling out a huge sweater I place it over top my hoodie. Grabbing my first Christmas present from Alexander I pull over the huge XXXL sweater he gave me. Walking to my drawers, I pull out 2 pair of wool socks and walk back to my bed to dress, even as Alexander keeps talking to me.