I remember wondering why He looked so unimpressed with me. Was this physical pleasure not what He desired? Did He no longer desire me? And as my heart began to race i wondered was He finally leaving me?
Every insecurity of every year we had been together surfaced. Every inhibition screamed. Every memory of past brutality cut deep into my soul. Every single peaceful moment between us ceased. Every shared kiss suddenly faded away.
The pain of His rejection had become so great that my heart died in that very moment inside my chest. My mind became shattered with thoughts, fears and memories. My body simply couldn’t stand the pain. My breath left me empty.
And suddenly i collapsed, watching my dear stranger's face fade away...
When i became conscious my stranger smiled so beautifully, i had forgotten why i had become so stricken. But just as quickly as i woke, the memory returned.
Sobbing uncontrollably, i looked to my stranger for answers- for a reason as to His distance. And as He wiped my tears, my stranger began a horrendous journey of unforgiving thoughts, desperation, and regrets with me.
Crying Himself, my stranger told me of His own broken, bleeding heart. A heart filled with angst over the brutality i had endured He thought it was impossible to recover from. He spoke of the great pain within His own soul and of the intense need to avenge my life- my life taken from us and shattered by another.
My stranger screamed in agony and He cried with remorse. And throughout i tried desperately to accept His words without feeling for my own pain as i wiped His tears and held Him softly. But again He became distant toward me.
When i questioned Him again, my stranger shook and suddenly apologized for needing me when it was i who should be depending on Him. When I understood, i smiled for him. i suddenly understood His distress clearly, as i battled my own resentments and hostility toward all around us. In that moment I knew my stranger was weak and completely dependent on me for release and understanding. And it was an amazing feeling in that moment to know He truly needed me as well. It was a moment in which i was the strength for us.
Sometime later, my dear stranger asked the questions i had been dreading for months. He wanted to know what happened. He wanted to hear from my very lips the horrific truth. He wanted to sit and hear my words relay to Him all which i could possibly bare- all that my heart would allow. He wanted every detail i could detail and He wanted to bleed just as i uncovered all that had caused my own blood and humiliation to flow.
Suddenly, my body ached and my mind raced. My tears flowed and my heart pounded. My soul screamed and my throat tightened. My insanity retrieved what my sanity had fought for.
i did want my stranger to know everything. i did want Him to fully understand my new sadness. i did want to give Him all the answers He craved. i did want Him to hear each word fall from my lips as i held back the wretched screams of slaughter... But i was unable to speak.
So silently we sat together. Silently, we both fought the pain and anguish. Silently, we each waited for my words.
And when finally my words surfaced i was surprised by my own restraint and eloquence. i spoke clearly and as delicately as possible, wanting no added pain for my stranger or for myself. Hours passed as i told my tale but time stood still between us. Both my stranger and i breathed deep and fought so strongly.
When i had told all that memory and personal suffering would allow, i looked to my stranger for some meaningful words. But instead of words, He held me so tightly my strength subsided and a mental collapse beckoned me home.
Tears and wails. Shaking and vomiting. Hysteria and fatigue. Silence and wordiness... All surfaced in my mania.
My breakdown, my release, my homecoming was complete. Where i was going to end up was unknown and unquestioned. What was to become of me was also unknown. What was to become of us was feared, but undecided.
The truth was known. The story had been told. The brutality now had a living audience. And my dear strange delved into silence.
Together, He and i would never be the same. Together, we would have demons and nightmares. Together, promises of safety and security were rendered invalid. We would either recover or we would surrender to the pain.
The silence that followed was overwhelming and yet completely expected. Neither my stranger nor i could find words to release the demons and nightmares inside, nor could we distinguish between our new reality and the reality of our past pleasure and loving naïveté.
We were together and now we carried each other through the nightmares. The demons which slaughtered now had the two of us to fight.
Hours faded away and sunrise glory climbed. My dear stranger was alive for me as i am living only for Him.
When i awoke this morning alone my heart broke, but then I remembered our night together. My dear stranger has been given my life just as i cherish His life within my heart.
i know He will again visit just as i know He has not left me. i know, but i’m a little frightened by the demons and the effects they will have on my dear stranger and i.
But until He returns i will dream of only His beautiful eyes watching me in my darkness.
November 1999
19 years old
*****
Looking around my garage, I’m disgusted again. I haven’t slept or eaten in a long time, and I feel weak with the physical neglect of my body.
Why do I feel like a really good mother but crazy at the same time? Aren't those two concepts truly mutually exclusive of each other? How can a good mother be crazy as well? I don't know. And if I wasn't me, I would think it wasn't possible. But I am me, and I do think it’s possible. I KNOW I'm a good mother, just as I know I'm not normal, or okay, or really, even truly sane anymore. I know that but somehow where Jamie is concerned, I am a terrifically together, loving, supportive mother.
It's like my personality shifts, or I just lose myself completely in loving and caring for my son. I look at him, and I forget everything but him. He is my world, and I love him, and because of my love for him, I'm able to put all my insanity and neurosis and insecurities, if not completely away, I can at least hide them so they don't affect Jamie in any way.
At least that's what I tell myself. And I think I'm right. I think I do a great job mothering my son with little to none of my crazy past around him.
Sure, I can be a little obsessive with his health, and yes I panic about any potential danger he may suffer from time to time, but overall, I think I hide my real true intense panic from him quite well.
Jamie seems very well adjusted and happy. He knows his mommy loves him, and he knows he is very special to his mom. He knows he is loved and cared for, so I think I've done a good job. Actually, I know I have.
From the day he was placed in my arms I put all my stuff aside so I could focus on being an amazing mother to him.
That's what I think, honestly. And completely objectively, I'm pretty sure I'm right, too.
*****
My Dear Stranger XII
Last night as I slept with nightmares to interrupt and confuse, I woke to a soft tap against my bedroom window. Once fully woken I raised my blinds and was shocked and surprised to stare into my dear stranger's eyes.
The night was dark and the streetlights dim, but amazingly I could see every contour of His face- A face which had brought such joy and fulfillment to my life.
Running for the panel, I turned off the alarm and returned for Him. Watching; our hands mirrored each other's as we opened my window. God, I could feel His hands on mine even as the glass separated us.
And once our worlds joined the cool air sent shivers down my spine as intense desire began to control my thoughts.
When He entered my room, I tried to hide the effects the cool air had on my body, yet just as quickly as my body heightened, my stranger raised my arms and lifted my nightgown over my head.
For minutes there was no movement nor sound. My stranger merely stood and stared at my body with such adoration I felt neither insecure nor unattracti
ve.
When my stranger took me into His warm embrace the cool night instantly disappeared. The night became full of hope and peace.
In little time His hands wandered my body as His lips kissed all of my flesh. I felt an eager ecstasy as my eyes held His face with my gaze. I wanted Him fully and I knew He wanted me also.
Recently, our time together had been filled with agony, fear and never ending questions of my sanity. However, last night we knew there would be few questions, suppressed pain and little confusion between us.
My dear stranger gently carried me back to my bed as He kissed my lips passionately.
Throughout our re-acquaintance i felt inadequacy threaten yet each smile and kiss from my stranger relieved any insecurity momentarily felt. Our passion had been long awaited and often feared never to return. However, i knew He was my love and i His. So after much trial and agony our passions were finally welcomed home.
Minutes turned to hours, and hours felt like days. My stranger pleased all my desires and turned all my recent cravings into reality. Never did I feel physical discomfort or sexual pain. And though I hadn't been touched in nearly 2 years, my stranger was careful with my body.
With each kiss our love grew stronger. With each touch our hearts mended for each other. Our love may seem obscure to most but I need not know a name or past as He knows mine. We are fulfilled and completely content with each other. As my dear stranger once expressed, 'our love is divine and we will never need another.'
When our passions were quenched and our hearts stronger He held me in His arms and caressed my bare skin. Many thoughts raced through my mind- so many things I wanted to say, yet I said nothing.
Minutes later I sat up and looked down into my stranger's eyes and within this glance of mine He smiled and enough had been said.
So to the gentle beat of His heart and to the rhythm of His breath I slowly fell asleep.
When I woke this morning I felt such love my heart ached. I wanted my stranger back in my arms. And though He had left me again in the night I know my dear stranger will return again. He will return and wipe away my tears, comfort my soul, and He will return to love me passionately forever.
October 2001
21 years old
After 2 years of suffering, struggling through life with only my one friend, and a loneliness that had made me hollow inside, I was finally able to make love with my stranger again, and it was perfect.
I had healed… relatively speaking.
CHAPTER 10
My Dear Stranger XIV
Last night my dear stranger saved me.
i had not rested nor slept in days. i had kicked and screamed as all the demons surfaced and threatened. i was alone in our world with death surrounding me. i was hiding in a darkened corner, hiding from the demons, hiding from myself.
i begged my stranger to come to me. i begged Him to save me. Through terror and panic i rocked back and forth with closed eyes while i dreamed of my stranger's warm embrace.
And finally i felt Him. With a soft touch on my cheek, i opened my eyes to face Him. Kneeling, my stranger was in front of me. And then i froze. i was frightened. i panicked at the sudden intrusion into my solitude as fear and horror gripped me again.
Was my dear stranger only the demons in disguise? Were the demons using my love as the weakness in which to kill me? Was i being manipulated into believing they were Him, so they could take my body with ease?
Pushing and fighting i punched and kicked. Screaming, i begged Him to leave me alone.
Firmly, my stranger grabbed and held my wrists until my vision cleared and i could finally see. The beautiful eyes staring could be no one else's but His eyes loving, worshipping, and pitying me.
In that moment of clarity my relief created a great rush of emotion. Sobbing, my breath became strained and weak. But holding me tight, my stranger cradled me until the demons ceased and i was finally free. Inevitably, my sobbing became desperate hiccups of breath until i fell into unconsciousness...
When i awoke seemingly minutes later i was alone on the floor. And confusion and fear resurfaced as it had before. Where is He? How could He leave me so desperate in need? Where are the demons? Have they killed my love, to torture me?
And then i saw through my tear-filled eyes Him coming for me.
Quickly, my dear stranger ran and kneeling again He wiped His own tears, as He smiled for me. He slowly raised a glass of water to my parched lips, while He washed my face and brow with a cool wet cloth. And as he performed this ritual i could only stare at His beautiful eyes which gave me my reason to breathe.
Too weak to stand on my own, my stranger raised my arms around His neck as He tucked my body into His arms and easily lifted me from the floor. Walking toward the bathroom, He took me from my darkened corner, my hiding place.
And in that moment i suddenly understood, i was barely alive but the world remained audacious.
In the bathroom my stranger sat me on the side of the bathtub, using his hand against my chest to keep me upright. Lifting my chin, He smiled deep into my dying eyes, and that simple moment became the most overwhelming moment of my life.
Oh god, i wanted to weep. i wanted my stranger to understand. i wanted Him to know i WAS sorry for what i did but i desperately needed some peace from my nightmares because it was too hard to always fight.
And with a voice low and strained i explained why i did what i did.
After my confession, moments passed between us in silence. My stranger looked at me and spoke not a word. Still being held up against the bathtub wall, i had no strength left. i was exhausted beyond anything i could've ever imagined in this life.
And then He spoke.
'My love, I am here for you and I will never love another. I will feed you and bathe you and comfort you and hold you. I will defend you and keep you free from your demons. I will kiss you and love you like no other can. I will save you and help you whenever you're in need. I will worship our love for the rest of our days, but never again will I love you in vain. Do you understand my words?'
And i did. i heard Him, and i understood clearly. In that moment i was made to see what i had attempted to do.
Weeping, i tried to kiss my stranger, but sickness prevailed and i nearly fell to the floor. Yet as always, He caught me quickly in His arms and smiled to reassure us both i think. Weakened, i knew He held my entire life in His arms.
Moments later He gently raised my arms and discarded my blouse. Slipping my skirt and panties from my body, i watched in blurry fascination because i was unable to help.
Once my clothing was removed, He suddenly knelt between my legs and rested His head against my chest. Oh, how i tried to hold Him but my body simply didn't function anymore. Alone, He held me tight.
Rising from the floor, my stranger turned me and lowered my body into the water, until startled my body came alive. i grabbed for him. i kicked and flailed. i begged. i screamed. With my eyes i pleaded but He just wouldn't listen to me. He ignored my pleas until i eventually gave into ice cold submission.
My stranger bathed my body and cleansed my soul. He smiled as His bright eyes reassured me i would survive this. And though i shivered uncontrollably, as He kissed my forehead i felt warmed in His presence.
And within this warmth and cold, because of my demons and my attempt, because of the exhaustion deep within i began another journey. i began to fall.
Frantically, i fought and screamed. Gagging and gasping for breath, my panic resurfaced. The demons returned, haunting and laughing at me again. The demons were hideous and insatiable. Creeping closer and closer to me i was alone and i knew they wanted to torture me.
One demon grabbed me, squeezing tighter and tighter until i choked and vomited. i was beaten. i was tortured. The pain on my chest was unbearable. With closed eyes i felt the demon kiss me and i couldn't fight any longer, i had to give in. I was just too tired to continue like this.
And then it stopped.
Once i finally opened
my eyes i searched for the demon but only my stranger's face could i see. Still choking and struggling, He forced His breath into me. And i understood. Catching His breath, i followed His eyes around and was amazed by the scene. i was lying naked on the bathroom floor with my stranger still straddling me. With His hands on my chest and with flushed cheeks, He was fully alive forcing His life into me.
Seemingly relieved by my return my stranger suddenly collapsed onto me. And i held Him close to me while my deadened body shook horribly as my stranger's breath coursed through my body.
When my stranger sat up and examined my broken body i could see the pain and devastation in His eyes. Suddenly filled with remorse, i tried to take His hand into mine, but He angrily pulled away. In that moment of rejection i felt so alone and confused. I begged, 'forgive me please!'
And then my body hardened and convulsed. Too weak to fight i was thrown into my stranger's lap as my vomit and regret spewed forth. And i felt utterly alone until He finally reached out to me.
He wrapped my dying body in his arms while i shook and trembled. He held my hair clear. He kissed my neck softly. He rubbed my back delicately- All through my toxic release.
And when terror and confusion joined my body's suffering i could feel Him. Through each convulsion i was covered in the warmth of His love. Each time i believed i could no longer continue or fight, i think He recognized my surrender and He forced His will into me. Yelling often, He would wake me from my numerous trances. Kicking walls and shaking me He forced me to stay conscious for Him.