I couldn’t believe I was here. I glanced over at the clock; it was now 11:30pm, and I wondered if Todd was thinking of me, wondering when I was coming home. I checked my cell phone to see if he had called, but no calls and no text messages. I guess I was in the clear – for now.
Alana opened the bathroom door, and I immediately tensed up upon seeing her. I couldn’t believe how nervous I was.
Alana headed towards the bed, stopping inches from me, and ran her fingers through my hair and down the side of my face. “I think you need another drink.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right,” I said quickly, agreeing with her observation.
Alana turned and headed over to the bar and started making two drinks. I watched her from behind, thinking of how it would be to touch a woman, to be intimate for the very first time. My secret fantasy was about to be put to the test and I was nervous as hell.
I couldn’t help wondering if my attraction to Alana was a suppressed feeling or just something new that came over me since she had walked into my life. Either way, I wanted to explore more of this, and I knew that now there was no turning back.
Alana brought my drink over then sat next to me on the bed.
“You okay?” Alana asked.
“I guess I’m a little nervous.”
“That’s understandable, I was hella nervous my first time.”
“You?” I asked, surprised.
“Oh, yeah!” Alana said as she sipped on her drink. “But I was comfortable with the person I was with.” Alana put her drink down, then looked into my eyes as she softly rubbed the side of my face with the back of her hand. “Are you comfortable with me, Kai?”
I looked at Alana for a minute, then said, “Yeah, I am.”
“Good,” Alana said as she slowly took my drink out of my hand and placed it on the bedside table. I felt my heart beating faster and faster as Alana reached out and touched my thighs, her hand sliding in between them as she slowly caressed them up and down. She then made her way up to my stomach and back down between my legs again. The room was quiet and all so still. I could hear my erratic breathing pass through my nose and mouth. My heart was pounding a mile a minute.
“Just relax, Kai, let me do all the work,” Alana whispered as she leaned in and kissed me gently on my lips, then my cheek, then softly rubbed the side of her face against mine. I wanted to reach out and touch her, to feel her, but I felt paralyzed, thinking if I moved I would disturb her flow. I closed my eyes as Alana slowly went down to kiss my neck, covering each side equally; her wet tongue gliding up to my chin. I felt myself getting wet as Alana’s hand slid back between my thighs, and then she moved upward as she continued to kiss my neck softly. I opened my eyes to see Alana looking at me and all I could think about in that moment was that I loved everything about her: the smell of her hair, the smoothness of her skin, the feel of her soft lips against my breast, neck, and face. I remembered thinking, “I can't believe I'm kissing my man's best friend.” That thought alone should have made me stop and rethink how my actions were creating the raw seeds of hurt, deceit, confusion, and pain – but it didn't, not even for a second, because in that moment, Alana's touch made the wrong feel right and the guilt feel as if it had no place in my consciousness. I was lost in her, hoping never to be found, and desperately hoping the feeling was mutual.
“Hey, you okay?” Alana said, pulling back.
“Yeah, I’m just enjoying being with you.”
“Me, too,” Alana whispered as she touched my face then kissed me gently on my lips. Her mouth was soft as I felt her tongue part my lips, sliding it against mine, and the moment I kissed her back, I felt a sense of passion flow through my body. An energy was connecting the two of us and I could again breathe.
I reached out for Alana as we slowly fell back on the bed. Alana slowly crawled on top of me. I could feel her heart beating rapidly as her body pressed against mine. We continued to kiss, and Alana caressed my entire body. She gently separated my legs as she began to grind against me. I reached out and pulled her closer as we moved together, back and forth.
I felt Alana reach for my shirt, and she pulled it up and over my head. I reached behind my back to unhook my bra, but Alana quickly stopped me. “I told you, let me do all the work,” Alana said as she slid behind me and slowly unhooked my bra. It fell to the bed as she kissed the back of my neck and began making her way down my spine and then back around to my front. I leaned back on my elbows as Alana started to unbuckle my jeans, working to pull them off as I lifted my pelvis up to help her, and then suddenly she stood up, pulling them off with one motion.
I sat up but Alana slowly lowered me back on the bed and slid on top of me. She straddled me, and lowered her head to kiss my stomach. Her tongue felt delightful as it rounded my belly button before teasingly entering it and coming back out again. She continued downward, kissing my stomach as she caressed my spot with her hand through my panties. My breathing quickened; I was getting wetter with each touch, as her fingers slowly moved my panties to one side and her finger gently caressed my wetness.
Then before I knew it Alana was slowly sliding off my panties. I let out a sigh. Alana let out a moan as her mouth traveled down between my thighs. I couldn’t help but to convulse every time she touched a sensitive spot. Alana continued to kiss my inner thigh and it sent a surge of pleasure and pain through my body. I arched my back and braced myself by grabbing hold of the side of the bed. Alana continued upward towards my golden brown triangle and I could feel my body temperature rising with each inch. Alana reached up to caress my breasts as her tongue worked my magic spot from all angles. I was now jerking and contorting uncontrollably like a fish out of water, screaming to be thrown back in. I peered down at Alana and was finally able to utter my first words, “Oh, God, Alana!”
Alana looked up. “How bad do you want it, baby?”
“Please… don’t… stop.”
Alana smiled a devilishly pleasing smile before diving back into my sea of wetness. I screamed; she moaned, as she moved up and down and back and forth. Her lips felt soft and wet against mine. Her fingers moved in and out of me with ease. I was lost in carnal pleasure.
Next, in one almost choreographed motion, Alana lifted up my leg, and flipped me over on all fours, as her tongue entered me from behind. My head started to pound from the intense pleasure I was experiencing. My legs became weak and my throat was dry as I steadily began to climb the ladder of ecstasy all the way to the top.
***
“Oh shit!” I woke up screaming and jumped off the bed. I looked at the clock. It was 4:30am.
“What?” Alana said as she woke from her deep sleep. “What’s wrong?”
“I have to go; I have to go home,” I said, stumbling through the darkness of the room, trying to locate my clothes.
I saw Alana glance at the clock.
“Oh damn,” Alana replied, half awake, half asleep. “Do you need me to cover for you or say anything to Todd?”
“No, I got it under control. I just didn’t expect to fall asleep.”
I quickly threw on my clothes, trying to piece my outfit back together in the dimly lit hotel room. I was feeling frantic, awkward and guilty all at once. I couldn’t believe I fell asleep – in Alana’s arms.
I said my goodbye with a quick peck on Alana’s lips before running out the door and heading home to my man.
I arrived home just past 5am. The birds where chirping, and the horizon was turning from deep blue to a fiery orange as the sun was beginning its ascent over Lake Michigan. I quietly slinked through the door feeling like I was in high school, coming home from a party I was forbidden to attend. My first stop was the bathroom as I did a quick wash up, hoping to eliminate the scent of Alana and our taboo indiscretions. I headed to the bedroom to find Todd fast asleep. I took a deep breath as I slowly, quietly crawled in next to him; Todd turned and half-acknowledged my presence.
“Hey, how’s your brother?” he mumbled.
“He’s fine. Go back to sleep, baby, I’ll tell you all about it in the morning.”
“Okay,” Todd said as he closed his eyes then wrapped his arms around me.
His sleepy embrace felt comfortable, but right then, all I could think about was Alana.
CHAPTER 21
THE DAY AFTER
My guilt was starting to overwhelm me. It was equaled by my ever-growing desire for Alana. I couldn’t believe how conflicted I felt and it was killing me. I needed to talk to someone, but at the same time I didn’t know what to say or even how to say it. I started to feel paranoid, thinking that everyone could tell that I just slept with a woman, almost as if it were stamped on my forehead for all to read, judge, and scrutinize.
It was noon, and I sat in my favorite coffee shop waiting for Todd to arrive. We had a ritual of meeting there once a week for coffee since it was where we first met. Just my luck – our day happened to fall on the day after I slept with Alana, and since I had never missed a day, I couldn’t miss today of all days.
I never did fall asleep that morning after leaving Alana and crawling into bed with Todd. I eventually just got up, took a shower and left the house before Todd got up, leaving him a note which said I had a few errands to run and I would see him at the café later on. I wasn’t ready to see Todd yet. I wasn’t ready to look into his face after I did the unthinkable: Slept with his best friend… A woman!
My head was pounding with confusion and excitement so I closed my eyes to grab a welcome little reprieve, but that was quickly interrupted when my cell phone started to ring. I grabbed it before the entire song (“Promiscuous Girl”) played out. I definitely need to change my ring tone.
“Hello,” I said.
“Hey, you.” Alana’s voice sent an unexpected chill through my body.
“Hey.”
“What are you up to?” Alana inquired.
“Waiting for Todd at the coffee shop.”
“Oh.” Alana was quiet; I’m sure the mere mention of Todd’s name had a totally different meaning now than it did before.
“So Kai, I called to tell you that I had a really amazing time with you last night, and, well, I can’t stop thinking about you.”
I quickly looked around the café, making sure no one was in earshot. I hunched over as I dropped my voice down an octave to a whisper.
“I, um, I can’t stop thinking about you either,” I said.
“I want to see you again, Kai.”
I took a deep breath upon hearing this. I didn’t know how to digest it all. Everything was going way too fast.
“What about Todd?” I asked.
“What about him?”
“What if he finds out?”
“I thought about that,” Alana replied, “and I know we’re skating on thin ice here, but Kai, I don’t want to stop seeing you. Are you having second thoughts?”
I contemplated Alana’s question, and the crazy thing was that I never once had second thoughts. Guilty thoughts, yes, but it never crossed my mind to stop seeing her.
“Kai, are you there?” Alana asked, pulling me back from my racing thoughts.
“Yeah, I’m here. I’m just having a hard time with the guilt; that’s all,” I said.
Then, before I knew it, I had an idea, and before I could stop it, it was shooting out of my mouth like a cannonball.
“Maybe we should tell him,” I said.
“Tell who?”
“Todd.”
“Are you crazy, Kai? He would kill us!” Alana exclaimed. “Listen Kai, if we continue to see each other, we have to promise that we will never, ever tell Todd.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I guess I thought if I got it off my chest I wouldn’t feel so guilty.”
“Yeah,” Alana said, “but then you would have to deal with maybe breaking up your relationship and my friendship with him, which in my opinion is way more devastating than a little guilt. Believe me, it’s better this way. Besides, Todd would never understand.”
“No, he wouldn’t,” I agreed.
“Kai, this should be our secret. No one has to know but us, right?” Alana added.
I looked up to see a middle-aged woman staring my way, and wondered if she was eavesdropping in on my conversation. I shot her an evil look as I lowered my voice even more.
“Right.”
“So then, we agree that we will never say anything to Todd,” Alana said.
“Yeah, I promise.”
So there you have it; that was our agreement and our pact – that Todd would never find out, at least not from either of us.
I hung up with Alana and continued to wait for Todd. Twenty minutes later I got a text message from him that he had an emergency at the office and had to go in to take care of it. In the past I would have been annoyed to the tenth power, but right then, at that very moment, I felt relieved. I wasn’t ready to face my boyfriend; I needed a little more time to think. I quickly texted him back “No problem” then took a deep breath as I closed my eyes again, to finally grab that little bit of well-needed reprieve.
CHAPTER 22
A SECRET REVEALED
“What is going on that you had to pull me out of my Sunday yoga class?” Simone asked as we sat in Pizza Capri at the height of the lunch rush.
“I have to tell you something,” I said, feeling a bit uneasy as well as having a sense of urgency.
“What? What’s wrong?” Simone asked, looking me dead in my eyes.
“It’s, um, it’s devastating.”
“Kai, what is it? You’re scaring me.”
I leaned forward to reveal my secret as well as relieve a small part of my guilty conscience. “I cheated on Todd.”
Simone’s body instantly relaxed as she fell back into her chair.
“Oh, girl, is that it? I thought someone died.”
“I cheated on Todd with, with… Alana.”
“Whoa,” Simone said, as she sat right back up in a perfectly erect position. “You slept with Alana?”
“Yes.”
“Our Alana?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Wow!” Simone said as she slumped back into her chair.
“Yeah, wow,” I said, echoing her sentiments. “So what are you thinking?” I asked, desperately needing to know what was on Simone’s mind.
“I’m thinking that, uh, this is pretty damn hot. So keep talking and don’t leave out any details.”
“Simone!” I exclaimed.
“What? For once you pull me out of yoga class for something important. Not like last month when you needed me to take you to the hospital after you tripped over that stupid tree branch,” Simone said.
“I thought I broke my ankle.”
“That’s what 911 is for.”
“Can we please focus here?” I asked.
“Okay, sorry. So you and Alana, wow.”
“Is that all you have to say? Not, ‘I can’t believe you cheated, let alone with a woman?’”
“No, you’re right. At least tell me if she was any good,” Simone said with a curious and intrigued grin.
“Simone!”
“What do you want me to say, Kai?”
“I don’t know. Tell me I’m a bad person; tell me that you disapprove, something. I cheated on Todd with Alana!”
“Okay, first, you’re not a bad person, because in the book of Simone, everyone cheats, and furthermore I don’t disapprove because frankly it’s your life,” she said.
“Aren’t you even curious why I slept with her,” I asked, “or, for that matter, that I slept with a woman?”
“Kai, if you think I’m going to judge you, I’m not. No one has the right to judge anyone. We should all be able to live our lives the way we want to live them. My philosophy is just be fucking happy and if that means fucking your man’s best friend, who is a woman, then so be it.”
“Do you think I’m gay?” I asked. Although I didn’t think that I was, I kinda needed to hear
another person’s opinion – Simone’s opinion.
“I think you were curious and she’s beautiful. Hell, after a few martinis, I might have gone there, too.”
We shared a laugh with that one.
I really didn’t know how to take all of this, but for some odd reason I didn’t feel as bad as I did five minutes before. I paused for a minute and thought back to that night, that night when Alana and I slept together for the very first time.
“Thanks for that Simone, you just don’t know how nervous I was telling you.”
“Come on; it’s me, Simone, your best friend, the woman who has been stripped of all her morals and then some. Honestly, I’d rather just hear how the sex was.”
I sat back on my chair feeling very relaxed. I was so glad I had Simone in my life; she made me feel great whenever I felt like crawling in a cave and hiding for months.
“I do feel guilty though,” I continued. “I don’t know what came over me. I’ve never done anything like this in my life.”
“We all do things we feel guilty about in our lives, but we can’t let it ruin us. We’re human. We all make mistakes.”
“Human – that I am,” I agreed.
“Let me ask you this,” Simone said. “How did you feel being with her?”
“I don’t know. I felt safe and comfortable, but then again, I feel the same way when I’m with Todd.”
“Do you still love him?” Simone said.
“I do, with all my heart, and this thing with Alana will probably not happen again, I don’t know what came over me.”
“It happens to the best of us. Believe me,” Simone replied.
“So what about you; would you ever get with a woman?”