In the meantime, my social life becomes busier. Besides spending time with Kathy, Mark and I also hang out together frequently. He takes me to the movies, and he even attends my therapy sessions occasionally. He says my life is very interesting to him. I love that Mark treats me like his equal. It may be because I’m his colleague at work, and we have mutual respect for one another.
Just when I feel that I have my life on a smooth road, suddenly, the road becomes bumpy with potholes. One evening, as I’m sitting with Jen watching one of her favorite shows, I notice her turning to look at me. At first, she simply stares and blinks several times. Then, she flashes me the tiniest smile and turns back toward the television.
I continue to stare at her, wondering what she was trying to communicate with me. Just then, her head falls to the side as if she has fainted. I try to shake her but when she doesn’t respond, I scream for help at the top of my lungs.
The staff comes running and immediately notices my distressed face staring at Jen. As soon as they see her not responding, they pull her out of her wheelchair. In horror, I watch helplessly as they start CPR on her.
“I can’t find a pulse,” somebody yells.
“Call 9-1-1!”
“She’s not breathing. Get the crash cart!”
What’s happening? God no, no! Please, Jen, fight!
“One, two, three, four…” Somebody has started the chest compressions.
“Get all of the residents out of here!”
I snap out of my trance and drive away from the nightmare unfolding before my eyes. I have to get out of here, desperately needing some space.
Driving my wheelchair outside, I text Mark. I have no idea what makes me contact him and not Kathy or my parents.
“Hey, can you come over? Something bad has happened here.”
Mark texts back immediately. “Are you okay? I’m on my way.”
Within fifteen minutes, he’s there and notices immediately that I’ve been crying. By now, the ambulance has already taken Jen away.
“What the hell! What’s wrong?” I know he’s shocked because he’s never seen me cry.
“Can we go up to my room?”
“Okay, let’s go.” Mark follows me behind my wheelchair.
Once in my room, he sees me visibly shaking. “You need to tell me what’s going on. What happened to you?”
“Jen, my friend from here. She stopped breathing. I think she’s dead. It happened right in front of me.”
“Oh, Lily. I’m so sorry. Shit! What can I do?”
I start to cry, unable to stop myself. I’m too upset to even use my device to talk to him more. Mark simply takes me out of my wheelchair and sits me on the sofa. He positions himself next to me and pulls me into his arms. Without saying a word, he allows me to sob into his shirt. Why is life so unfair? Jen’s life has been tragic and thinking about the possibility of her taking her last breath in front of me, hurts me to the core. Slowly, I drown in Mark’s arms.
But, he doesn’t allow it. With his soft whispers and tender caresses down my back, he gives me strength.
Eventually, I find my bearings and glance up at him apologetically. With his feather-soft hands, he wipes my tear-soaked face.
“I’m sorry you went through that, Lily. And, I’m glad I could be here to help you.”
I give him a sad smile and close my eyes. I’m exhausted, and all I want to do is sleep. Before long, I fall asleep in his arms, right there on the sofa.
When I open my eyes, the sun is already shining through the window. My first thought goes to Jen. I want to find out what happened. When Mark feels me stirring, he, too, opens his eyes. I point to my wheelchair, and he picks me back up and puts me on there.
Once I have my communication device, I say, “Sorry about my behavior last night. I’m embarrassed, but thanks for being there. Couldn’t have made it through the night without you.”
“It’s my pleasure. How are you doing?” Mark stretches his arms above his head as he yawns.
“I need to check about Jen. I’ll see you at work later.”
“Oh, you’re kicking me out? Guess I can take the hint,” Mark teases, laughing.
Smiling, I see him to the front door.
“You sure you’ll be okay, Lily?” he asks, turning back toward me.
Once I nod yes, Mark leaves, closing the door behind him.
Immediately, I call for help from the front desk. When Kendra comes to my room, I’m relieved. She’s one of my regular helpers, and she always shares with me the latest gossip from this place.
“How is she?” I ask.
“I’m sorry, Lily. Jen is no longer with us. God has her now.”
I turn my wheelchair away furiously. Although a part of me has known that she’s gone, I’m not prepared to hear it out loud. It’s not fair! She didn’t do anything wrong.
“They think maybe her heart just gave out on her. They don’t know for sure, of course, but that’s what they think,” Kendra continues to explain.
I fight the tears, angry that God has once again taken an innocent life. Jen couldn’t have been older than forty. She was too damn young!
“I guess it’s good, Lily. She was practically comatose. I mean, what kind of life did she have? She never responded to anything. She didn’t even know what was happening around her.”
That’s not true! She knew! She knew everything! Jen chose to not respond. That was her choice. But, I knew better because she showed me. Even before she died, she said her goodbye to me. She knew, damn it!
I want to yell and scream at Kendra. I want to tell her don’t ever say that she didn’t know. Instead, I go to my bedroom and wait for Kendra to get me ready for work.
That evening, the facility holds a memorial service for Jennifer Kathleen Watson. No family members attend. Jen truly was alone in this world.
The pastor is there, and people share their favorite memories of Jen. All of the memories are about her sitting in front of the TV and watching The Big Bang Theory.
I don’t have the courage to say anything. A part of me doesn’t want to share Jen’s secret. After all, she only allowed me to see that side of her. She didn’t want anybody else to know that she was aware of everything. I decide to respect her wishes.
After the service, the residents and the staff go outside. Each of us is given a helium balloon to release at the same time, in memory of Jen. At the count of three, we all release our balloons and they soar high in the sky. There are about fifty balloons—yellow, purple, green, pink, blue, orange, red—which come together in one bunch as they fly into the abyss. As they become smaller and smaller, and eventually disappear, I say my final goodbye to Jen.
Thank you for trusting me to be your friend, Jen. I will miss spending time with you. I hope you find your peace. Be happy and fly free, my friend.
Chapter Sixteen
They say, “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.” Life can really test one’s sanity and will to survive through the most difficult times.
When none of my usual helpers come to assist me with bathing and getting ready for bed one evening, I can’t help but be apprehensive. Instead, an unfamiliar aide, named Kenny, enters.
“Hi! You must be Lily. I’ll be helping you out today because I guess they’re short staffed. They called my agency for extra help.”
Kenny appears to be in his forties with long dark hair and dark eyes. In the past, I have had male assistants, and although at first I’ve felt uneasy, they’ve always been very professional. Kenny seems polite enough, so I make a conscious effort to put aside my irrational feelings of apprehension.
“Okay, from the notes I received about you, it said that you can just tell me what you need to be done, right?”
“Yeah, I need to eat and then use the bathroom. After the shower, I’ll need your help to change into my pajamas and to get ready for bed,” I reply with my device.
“Perfect! No problem,” Kenny says, smiling. We head to the kitchen and Ken
ny warms up the food. After helping me eat, Kenny follows me into the bathroom and transfers me to the adapted toilet seat. Giving me privacy, he leaves the bathroom. A short time later, he places me in the shower chair to give me a shower.
“I hear you’re in school and have a full-time job. That’s awesome!” Kenny continues to talk about indifferent topics while he cleans me up.
I appreciate that he’s being quick about showering me and making it comfortable for me by talking about neutral subjects.
Once he’s finished cleaning me, he wraps me up in the bath towel and brings me to my bedroom. “Okay, almost done. Do you need anything else before I put you in bed?”
I point toward my pajamas.
“Oh, yes, of course! We should put your nightie on, huh?” Kenny grabs the pajamas and swiftly helps put them on me. Once I’m dressed, he says, “There you go. Are you ready to go to your bed now? Do you want to drink water or anything first?”
I shake my head no. It’s only nine o’clock, so it’s a bit early for me to go to bed. Lately, though, I’ve been going to sleep at this time, having no desire to stay up. I still haven’t been able to accept Jen’s death, and sleeping helps control the thoughts that haunt me in my waking hours.
“Okay.” Kenny helps me get to my bed. “So I guess you can’t talk without your device, huh? It’s cool they make things like that.”
I smile. Normally, before leaving, I’m handed the switch that’s attached to the wall. That way, if I need help in the middle of the night, all I have to do is push it, and somebody comes in my room to check on me. I point to the switch to remind him.
“Oh, okay, I won’t forget,” he says. “You know, you are a beautiful girl. Has anybody ever told you that?”
I frown because suddenly he’s making me feel uncomfortable.
“Your beautiful dark hair against that flawless skin…and those eyes of yours are mesmerizing.”
I try to smile politely but by this time, I just want him to leave. It’s completely inappropriate for him to talk to me like this, and I plan on reporting him at the first opportunity.
“I take care of a lot of people. I’ve been a certified nursing assistant for over fifteen years now. I’ve met some great people…and beautiful ladies like you.”
To my horror, his hand touches my cheek. I turn my face away and yell at him. I want him to know that he’s out of line.
Kenny laughs. “It’s just that you’re so damn tempting. I try to fight the urges, Lily. I swear I do. But, when I take care of somebody who’s as pretty as you, well, it’s kind of hard to resist. Have you ever been with a man, Lily? I can make you feel good—real good.”
I attempt to roll away from him and try to shout as loud as I possibly can. Before I succeed, he puts his hand over my mouth to stifle my scream. Horrified, I swing my arms wildly, hoping I can aim them accurately to hurt him.
“Man, you’re feisty, aren’t you? I love your spirit, Lily.” Kenny laughs even louder and easily holds my arms down. Before I can react, he’s suddenly on top of me. His hand remains over my mouth, and now it’s impossible for me to make any noise. Scared out of my mind, I thrash my body around. To my horror, he holds me even tighter.
Before I can process anything further, his hand is under my shirt and suddenly on my breast. “Relax, Lily. Doesn’t that feel good?” He plays with my nipples, going from one breast to another.
Why is this happening? As the room spins, suddenly nausea creeps up on me. I swing my arms, and a couple of times, my strikes land hard.
But, it just makes him even more aggressive. “You bitch. Keep at it, and I’ll make it really hurt.”
If only I can control my body more, maybe I may be able to fight him better. Feeling completely helpless, the tears roll down my face.
Kenny ignores the tears. “Don’t even think about telling anybody. Nobody would believe you anyway. They would all just think you’re retarded. Besides, I’m not going to penetrate you so there will be no evidence. I’m not that stupid. We’re just going to enjoy each other’s body. Now, stop your damn crying and be thankful that I’m willing to give you this pleasure.”
God, please show me some mercy. If I can’t fight this guy, please just let me pass out until this horrible nightmare is over.
Even though I continue to struggle, Kenny is already unzipping his pants. I close my eyes, wondering what sins I have committed to land me in this position.
Somewhere far off in the distance, I hear a familiar sound that my brain can’t quite register. I focus hard on the sound and realize that somebody is knocking on my door. Kenny must have heard it too because he lies very still.
“Hello?” Kathy’s voice echoes around us as she continues to knock on the door. “Lily? Can you tell your helper to come open the door? They just told me downstairs that he’s still helping you.”
Kenny doesn’t make a sound, but I struggle to get free even harder, desperate to save myself.
“Lily? Are you still getting bathed? I can just go downstairs and tell them to let me in, then.” There are some guests who can come to my room whenever they please. Both of my parents’ and Kathy’s names are on that list.
“Hold on, please,” Kenny yells. He jumps off of me and whispers, “I’m going to let her in. You better not say anything to her or I swear I will kill you both. Don’t you underestimate me!”
Scared out of my wits, I nod my head.
He fixes my shirt and my hair so it doesn’t look disheveled and zips his pants back up. Quickly scanning the room, he heads toward the front door to open it.
I hear Kathy say, “Oh, hi. You must be Kenny. They told me downstairs that you were in here helping Lily. You’re not one of the regulars.”
“No, I just come in as needed. They must have been short-staffed today, so they called my agency for extra reinforcement,” Kenny explains, sounding very professional.
“Where’s Lily? I wanted to visit with her.”
“She’s already in bed. She said she was pretty tired, so I doubt that she’s in the mood for company,” Kenny answers.
Oh no! Is he trying to get rid of her? Should I scream? But I don’t want him to hurt Kathy. No, I have to scream. I can’t have him near me again.
“Oh, I don’t care. I’ll wake her up if she’s asleep. You know what? You can leave now, Kenny. I can finish up here.”
“Uh, well, that’s okay but this is my job,” Kenny says, sounding frazzled.
“I won’t tell anybody. No worries. Thanks again!” Kathy must have shoved him out because I hear the door close. “Lily, I can’t wait to tell you this great news! I had to come here personally to share it!”
Kathy strolls into my room, and as soon as she sees the fear in my face, she runs to me. “What’s wrong? What happened?” Immediately, she knows that something terrible has taken place.
I shake my head, not wanting to discuss it right now. I’m terrified of Kenny, and I don’t want him to come back and hurt us. For all I know, he may be right outside. With my eyes wide, I stare at the door.
Kathy must have figured something out because she runs back to the door and puts the bolt on. The staff has the key only for the bottom lock but not the top bolt. She quickly transfers me into my wheelchair and gives me my communication device. “Talk to me, Lily. What happened?”
I shake my head, too scared to respond.
“What can I do? Should I call Mark? Your parents?”
Dad, yes! I need my daddy! Tears gather in my eyes when I think about my parents. I’ve never needed them more than I do at this moment.
“Parents,” I manage to say with my device.
“Do you want me to call them?”
I nod. I take deep breaths to steady myself so I can use my device accurately. “Don’t say anything. Just tell them I want to come home tonight and if they could pick me up.”
“Okay, okay. I’m really worried about you. I know something is terribly wrong, Lily.” Kathy dials my parents’ phone with her cell phon
e. She’s known my parents for several years now, so she’s easily able to contact them.
“Hi, Mr. Cooper? Yeah, it’s Kathy. How are you?” There’s a pause. “Sorry to bother you so late, but I’m visiting with Lily, and she says she’s kind of homesick and would love it if you could pick her up tonight.” Another pause. “Yeah, right now, please.” Pause. “No, no, nothing is wrong. I think she didn’t text you herself because her device is acting up and is not sending texts or something.”
If I weren’t so upset, I would commend Kathy for her performance.
Before long, my parents are downstairs, waiting for me. Kathy and I head out of the front door, and all the while, I search for Kenny. There’s no sight of him, and I wonder if he took off immediately after leaving my room.
“What’s wrong, pumpkin? Missing us, eh?” Dad uses the lift to get me in the minivan.
I smile a weak, tired smile, just craving to be in the safety of my own bedroom.
“You look exhausted, honey. Are you doing alright?” Mom asks as soon as she sees me.
“Lily, do you want me to come to your house?” Kathy intervenes, changing the subject.
I quickly nod yes, desperately needing the support of a good friend right now.
When Kathy and I are finally alone in the safety of my own bedroom, I tell her what happened with Kenny.
Shocked, she yells, “That asshole! We are calling the police right now!”
“No!” I yell.
“What do you mean no? He can’t get away with this, Lily!”
Calming myself down, I use my device. “I just want to forget about everything. I’m really scared. I don’t want anybody to know.”
“Are you nuts? What the hell is wrong with you? He hurt you, Lily! You can’t give him a pass on that. And, do you know how many other people he’s going to hurt if you don’t do something about this?”
She’s right, of course, but I’m petrified. I have no desire to bring any attention to myself or freak my parents out. Besides, what if the police don’t believe me? What if Kenny is right that people won’t believe me because they’ll think I’m retarded? I hate that word! It’s a horrible, horrible word, and it should just be banned from the English dictionary. I’ve had to deal with this my whole life, always proving my intelligence.