God!
Okay, he wanted to play this game, whatever. I’d play.
“Meredith being my real mom not my stepmom.”
He nodded and his thumb swept my lower lip. “What’s next?”
“You want to clue me in, Hawk?” I requested.
“What’s next?”
Apparently, he didn’t.
“There isn’t anything next,” I declared.
“Bullshit, Sweet Pea, a woman who wants a pair of seven hundred dollar shoes, she’s gotta have a next.”
“A diamond bracelet from Tiffany’s,” I replied then went back on it. “No! Wait. Leo to get Cam an engagement ring then a diamond bracelet from Tiffany’s.”
His head dipped and his mouth touched mine before he moved back and murmured, “All right, baby, that’ll do for now.”
What’ll do? And for now?
No. No. I didn’t want to know.
Time to move on.
“Since you’re here and don’t appear to intend to leave anytime soon, I might as well ask you something,” I announced and got another grin. “Tack says that things have cooled with Ginger. Does your intel confirm that I’m safe?”
“Ginger’s gone to ground,” Hawk repeated Tack’s words. “Darla, Skeet and Fresh were facing kidnapping charges and luckily they all signed confessions so they won’t breathe free for awhile. This is good because it’s good. This is also good because their incarceration is an added deterrent to anyone who might think of fuckin’ with you. Lee entered the game which is further inducement for someone to avoid fuckin’ with you. But, no, you’re not safe.”
Dammit!
“So I take it that means I can’t go to the grocery store.”
“You can go to the grocery store but you’ll do it with one of my boys at your back.”
My body froze under his and my heart slid into my throat.
Then I forced out, “No.”
His hand at my neck moved so his thumb could lightly stroke my throat.
“Brett’s recovering, babe,” he whispered. “It’ll take time but it’ll be a full recovery.”
“No more of your boys at my back.”
“Gwen.”
“No, Hawk,” I denied, made a decision and then proclaimed, “I’m buying a gun.”
He burst out laughing at my words, no hesitation, like they were beyond hilarious and I glared at him. “I’m not joking.”
He controlled his laughter and stated, “Babe, you want a gun, I’ll give you one but you won’t be let loose on the unsuspecting population of Denver until I train you how to use it and you get comfortable with it, so no gun.”
“I don’t need your permission to buy a gun, Hawk.”
“Yeah you do, Gwen, seein’ as you’re livin’ in Badass World now.”
“Well, I’m taking a vacation from Badass World and visiting Zip’s Gun Emporium,” I shot back.
He smiled at me, dimples and all. Then he changed the subject.
“We’re goin’ out tonight.”
Oh no we were not.
“No we’re not. It’s cosmos at Cam’s tonight.”
“Then I’ll take you there and bring you home.”
That’s when I made another decision.
“No, I’m spending the night so I can get as drunk as I want.”
“Babe, warned you about that shit.”
Something about that pissed me off. Likely it was the reminder of how the us we came to be used to be. Something he seemed totally okay with resuming and something I was really not okay with.
In other words, that was when my mouth ran away from me.
“Yes, you did, but you did that before you destroyed me. See, Scott crushed me but you destroyed me. It was just a week, I know that so here’s something to freak you out. You got it wrong, in only a week I was already tied to you. I was already in deep. It was only a week but it happened, you didn’t see it and you went in for the kill. So I’m getting from you that you’ve had a chance to rethink things. But for me, you not reading how precious it was, what I gave you, and even for self-preservation’s sake walking all over that is a red flag, Hawk. And that red flag says to me it could happen again and I’ve had enough in my life, I don’t need any more of that shit.”
“I’m not your fuckwad ex, babe, my shit’s not about bangin’ any woman I can to prove I’m a man,” he returned and I noticed he looked just about as pissed as me.
“I’m aware of that, Hawk, that doesn’t change the fact you walked all over me.”
“I didn’t, Gwen, I explained that shit to you then and again last night. And, newsflash, Sweet Pea, outside my family, you’re the only one in Denver who knows anything about it.”
Wow. Interesting.
So interesting, I gave a little but I didn’t give in.
“Okay, I understand where you’re coming from but can you at least take a second to understand where I’m coming from?”
And it would appear, from a response that gutted me, that I was so deep in my own efforts at self-preservation that I wasn’t paying enough attention and I vastly underestimated just how pissed off Cabe “Hawk” Delgado was.
“I know where you’re comin’ from and what I see is that you haven’t dropped that hand, Gwen, and you never did. I came clean and you’re usin’ some seriously bad shit against me to fend me off. He taught you curl up tight and keep everything out. You threw it in my face that I called you on what it would mean, you don’t take a risk on me. Now, you’re blinded to the fact that you’re doin’ the same fuckin’ thing I was but I’m strugglin’ to get passed it and move on. But you, babe, not you. You’re hell bent on holdin’ on. My wife and daughter were murdered, Gwen, and I found myself, eight years later, in the same fuckin’ mess with a woman who had a sibling that put her in extreme danger. I took that risk and in a week, I was so tied to you, I was in so deep, I faced that shit again, was confronted with the possibility of that kind of loss, I couldn’t deal.”
He lifted up suddenly, taking me with him, standing and putting me on my feet in front of him.
Yes, definitely pissed, and if I could get beyond the justified jab wounds he inflicted with his words, I would come to realize he had a right to be.
Unfortunately, he kept speaking. “So, yeah, I get where you’re comin’ from, Jesus, I understand protecting yourself from pain. But standing in front of me is a woman who can’t see beyond herself and her own fuckin’ issues to recognize that the man she was tyin’ herself to needs some understanding or, if that’s too much for you, some fucking compassion.”
I realized I wasn’t breathing as I stared up at him because he was right. Damn, he was right.
I wasn’t just a slut, I was also a bitch.
“So thanks for the head’s up, babe. Everything you did that week we were together, every reaction you had to the shit swirling around you, everything out of your mouth, the way you were with the people who love you indicated to me I’d found treasure. It’s good to know early that I was wrong.”
After he sunk that last blade into my flesh, or more accurately I positioned it, held his hand and did the deed, Hawk vanished.
Chapter Thirty
TMI
It was early afternoon when I took a huge breath, flipped open my phone, went to the contact list, scrolled down and hit go.
“Talk,” Hawk’s voice came at me and I started to talk and then I heard a beep and I realized that Hawk demanding the caller to talk was his voicemail message.
I’d been skating the edge of hysteria all day. Confronted with my selfish bitchiness in the face of who I wanted to be my man’s attempt at letting go of a tragic past and moving on with me, the only reason I didn’t make four batches of cookie dough and eat through them all was because I was out of butter.
And his voicemail greeting sent me over the edge.
It was inappropriate considering he walked out on me with a parting shot that pretty much equaled good-bye but I still started giggling.
And t
hrough my giggling, I forced out the words, “Baby. Your voicemail message is ‘talk’.” Suddenly my laughter died away and I whispered, “That is so you.” I closed my eyes tight because it was so him and I loved that about him and I finished, “Please call me so I can say I’m sorry.”
Then I flipped the phone shut, placed it on the kitchen countertop, lifted both hands and pressed my fingers in my cheeks. Then I closed my eyes again and sent a wish into the universe that Cabe Delgado would call me back.
Then I grabbed my phone, grabbed my purse, grabbed my net bags and headed out the front door to my car, which was still at the curb where I parked it prior to the drive-by. It hadn’t moved in over a week. I was halfway down my walk when Detective Mitch Lawson slid up and parked behind my Hyundai.
I stared at him in his car.
Why?
Why me?
His being there could only mean, firstly, something was wrong with Ginger and/or I was in some peril or secondly, he’d heard things were over with Hawk, I was down the mountain from Tack and he was moving in.
Why… me?
I buried this reaction and met him on the sidewalk, wishing he wasn’t so freaking hot.
“Hey Mitch,” I greeted.
“Gwendolyn,” he smiled.
I stared at his smile.
Why, I will repeat, me?
“I’ve managed not to get shot at or kidnapped for a whole week,” I bragged.
“Good for you.” He kept smiling.
“Please tell me you’re not here to inform me my winning streak is ending and another incident is imminent.”
He shook his head. “Not here for that, sweetheart.”
I tipped my head to the side. “Then why are you here?”
“’Cause Leo spoke to me this mornin’ and he gave me a surprise invitation to girls’ night in with cosmopolitans.”
I stared at him.
I was going to kill Cam.
“Mitch,” I whispered.
“Honey, I said no,” he replied gently.
I felt relief and loss, the first more than the last but I felt loss all the same mostly because he was hot, partly because he was gentle and also partly because I really liked his eyes.
He got closer and I held my ground as his soulful eyes I liked so much locked with mine.
Then he shared, “Every instinct I got is tellin’ me to move in and protect you not only from everything that’s happening with your sister but from two men I’m uncertain are good for you.”
I sucked in my lips and bit them.
“At the same time,” he went on,” I’m sensin’ that you need space to do whatever you’re gonna do.”
I let my lips go and nodded my head.
“That said, I’d be a fool not to tell you where I stand.”
Uh-oh.
“I was another type of man, the type they are, I wouldn’t hesitate gettin’ in there and muddling your head by making my play.”
At that point, I felt I should intervene.
“Hawk is… well, Hawk,” I lamely defended him. “And Tack is giving me space.”
“It isn’t space to install you in his house, sweetheart.”
Well, that was semi-true.
“But –”
“He’s makin’ his play,” Lawson said firmly.
“Uh… okay,” I agreed since he would know because he was a man and I, obviously, wasn’t. “But I’m home now.”
“Yeah,” Lawson agreed. “You’re in a home that every time you walk up your walk or into your livin’ room, you’ll be reminded of Tack’s play.”
Hmm. This was true. I hadn’t thought of that.
Still, what Tack did was nice.
“Mitch –”
He cut me off. “Remember what I said to you, Gwendolyn. Head up, eyes open and I’ll go on to say, be happy. And I’ll finish by tellin’ you, you’re willin’ to give me a shot at makin’ you happy, you call me because I’m willin’ to take that shot.”
Wow.
“Mitch,” I repeated and his hand came up to cup my jaw so I blurted, “Please don’t kiss me. I like kissing and if you’re a good kisser that’ll definitely muddle my head. No joke. And, honest to God, I don’t need that right now.”
His head dipped toward me, I braced but his face stopped an inch away.
“Okay, honey,” he whispered, “I won’t kiss you but just for your information, I’ve had no complaints.”
I bet he hadn’t.
“Great,” I muttered. “Now I’m curious.”
He grinned and his thumb moved over my cheek. “You ever wanna assuage that curiosity, find me. Yeah?”
“You’re muddling my head,” I warned.
His grin got bigger and I knew he knew he was and I also knew he intended to, so I knew that whole speech about not muddling my head was a big, old play.
“You’re eyes say you’re soulful but you’re actually dangerous,” I whispered.
“A man can be both,” he replied, his fingers slid back into my hair, he tipped my head down, kissed my hair at the top, let me go and, when I looked up at him, he winked at me and walked away.
I watched him drive away and then I wondered about the angles of Hawk’s cameras and then I worried that he’d seen that or it would be reported and then I got in my car and checked my phone.
Nothing.
Then I drove to the grocery store and, considering my recent past, I did this vigilant so it wasn’t lost on me that the minute I pulled my Hyundai away from the curb, a shiny, black SUV pulled out with me and followed me to the store and in the driver’s seat was Mo.
Shit. Even if the cameras hadn’t seen me, Mo had and Hawk would get a report.
Shit!
Well, the silver lining was, Hawk had sent Mo to have my back which didn’t exactly equal good-bye forever and ever you thoughtless, selfish cow.
But it didn’t say I forgive you either.
* * * * *
“I’m a thoughtless, selfish cow,” I announced to Cam, Tracy and, somebody kill me, Elvira.
Then I leaned forward and banged my head on Cam’s kitchen table.
“I think maybe this means cutoff time,” Elvira muttered.
I was on cosmo four and I was drinking fast, firstly because Hawk hadn’t called back, secondly because I spent the entire afternoon obsessing about the fact he hadn’t called and whether or not I should leave another message and thirdly because Elvira showed at girls’ night in.
Luckily after reading me the riot act for not returning her calls, Elvira was just Elvira. She didn’t get into Hawk, she didn’t press, she didn’t pry, she just dug into Cam’s famous, spicy red beans and rice (well, actually, it wasn’t Cam’s recipe, it was her great-grandmother’s and I tried to get her to give it to me but she said we had to exchange blood transfusions and go through adoption proceedings for her to do that without getting disowned so I just ate hers and considered myself lucky) and sucking back her cosmopolitan so I was free to continue obsessing because Hawk still hadn’t called me. Something I did, barely participating in girl talk until I made my insane announcement.
“I’m actually surprised the meltdown hasn’t occurred before now,” Cam remarked.
“Cam!” Tracy cried.
“Oh shit, woman down,” Leo muttered and I looked up to see he’d come into the room probably to get a beer.
Very bad timing.
“I slept with Hawk again last night,” I told Leo, avoiding directly telling Cam, Tracy or Elvira.
Leo’s eyes got big and he made a strangled noise.
“You what?” Cam screeched.
“Well, all right,” Elvira stated.
“Oh boy,” Tracy mumbled.
“I did,” I told Leo who still had his deer caught in headlights look going. “He came to my house in the middle of the night and –”
Leo’s hand shot up. “Stop right there, darlin’,” he interrupted me. “Last time I looked, I still had a dick.”
“Leo!” Cam snapped a
nd Leo’s eyes went to her.
“And the last time you looked, I had a dick.”
“We all know you have a dick, Leo,” Cam flashed back.
“All I’m sayin’ is, I got a dick and I’m in here for a beer and that means I’m invisible during this discussion. Yeah?” And with that, he got his beer and walked right out.
“I’m sorry about my man,” Cam said irately to Elvira.
“I’m not, girl. A, he’s hot and B, he’s got a dick and C, his not wantin’ any part in girl talk states he knows how to use it. Now,” her eyes swung to me, “movin’ on to the good shit. You slept with Hawk? Word was it was over.”
“Well, it was, then it wasn’t and now I think it is again.”
“Uh… what?” Elvira asked, her brows drawing together.
I sucked back cosmo then I told them everything. Cam and Tracy knew the first part, so I didn’t get into that, I just got into last night and this morning finishing with, “And now I think he thinks I’m a thoughtless, selfish cow.”
I got silence as they all stared then, as usual, Cam spoke first.
“Hate to say this to you,” she straight-talked me albeit gently, “but, babe, sounds like it to me too.”
Great. Just freaking great.
“My God, I had no idea,” Elvira stated, sounding stunned and Tracy nodded.
“Actually this whole week I was thinking it sucked that it didn’t work out but I got why it didn’t, his tragic past and all,” Trace added.
“You did?” I asked her.
“Yeah, Gwennie, but you wanted space so I gave it to you and couldn’t tell you that.”
I stared at her. Then I dropped forward and banged my head against the table again.
“Gwen, calm down, if he’s into you, which he obviously is, he’ll get over this,” Camille pointed out.
I lifted my head. “I called him at one-thirty.”
“Maybe he’s busy,” Tracy suggested.
“He’s busy,” Elvira confirmed. “I wasn’t let in on what he’s workin’, top secret and he selected his top boys to work with him but he’s been incommunicado all day.”
A ray of hope.
“I thought he forwarded his phone to you,” I said.