Strategising the Exit
No one would believe it. All the wise would dispute it, but the fact remained that the most important thing in Justin’s life was church ministry. Ultimately, unable to counter the ever-rising turmoil within them, Justin and Sushmita seriously started thinking of getting away from the scene in order to bring least harm to the church. However, in all this, they were ignoring the fact that instead of adopting an exit strategy, they should try much harder to pull apart from each other and save all that mattered—the ministry, their families, children and their own lives.
The scripture says,
‘Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?’ (Proverbs 6: 27)
One thing was slowly becoming clear to both of them—by now, quite a few people in the church were throwing curious glances towards them. Justin and Sushmita could feel the unspoken disapproval that was gathering momentum.
This mild opposition, coupled with fear of being caught, brings about two things—either it scares you away or it fans the passions more. In the life of Justin and Sushmita, it caused the increase of adrenaline activity that activates the ‘fight or flight’ response system in the body. For these two lovebirds, it produced a strange mix of ‘fight or flight’ response, and fanned the passions to such an extent that, though fearing being caught, one still pursues the forbidden pleasures and does not fear the consequences. Repeat offences not only make a person bold in his or her unethical behavior, but also hasten steps towards destruction. Justin and Sushmita were always fearful about the ‘what if’ situations but were also getting bold by each passing day to experiment with more of ‘what ifs’. They were concerned about the negative impact it would bring on the church members but at the same time had gone beyond the fear to fall. They never wanted to hurt anyone—noble thoughts—yet their actions brought about hurt to all and sundry. Thoughts—however noble they may be, if not backed by the strength of character to control the urge towards fulfillment of carnal desires would fall in the ambit of what the writer of the proverbs aptly describes, ‘Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant’ (Proverbs 9: 17). The word ‘stolen’ robs the water and bread of their nature of imparting life, instead the writers says further in the proverbs that they bring about death.
All these happenings also prompted Sushmita to give a deeper thought as to where their lives were heading in relation to the real world and how long they could carry on like this on the sly. She started giving serious thought about the need for her to settle down in life as Justin, for all practical purposes, was socially well entrenched in life sans her. Sushmita also started becoming more possessive about Justin and could no longer stand the ‘Pastor couple’ eating together from the same platter on social occasions. She always had a friendly say in the matters pertaining to Justin’s family but now her proxy input in much of Justin’s family matters became more pronounced.
Pearl was aware of these moves and to counter Sushmita’s forays into her domain, she started to take more charge of the family matters and became more assertive towards Justin. Justin saw a fierce rivalry started to lift its ugly head between the two women in relation to him. In the beginning, it became very demanding upon him but then slowly to his amazement he started to enjoy the adulation, which came his way from the two women.
As the prying eyes following Justin and Sushmita became more intense, so did the fire and the desperation against all odds heightened between them. The intensity of this fire, in a way, welded them together more intensely and their commitment to each other against all wisdom kept growing stronger. They were up and against all their well-wishers, against all good counsel, and slowly but surely, their entities started to merge with each other against anything good that they ever had in them.
It was true! They were not able to handle their misplaced passion, which was now becoming the force driving them to the unknown territories of the world of darkness. They were losing hold of wisdom, and instead, dictates of passion started to control their lives.
Just after the inception of the church work, Brother Eric had introduced Pastor Bose to the congregation of Delhi. In one of his messages, he had pierced the heart of the whole congregation. Many, including Justin, made commitment to follow God’s Word in their lives. The key verses said thus:
‘Behold, I set before you today a blessing and a curse. The blessing if you obey the commandments of the Lord your God which I command you today and the curse, if you do not obey the commandments...’ (Deuteronomy 11: 26–28)
Justin clearly remembered the sermon and this day, even feared the consequences that were so very clearly explained by the preacher. Nevertheless, Justin with Sushmita had gone beyond the care of those well-established truths; the conviction in the spirit, as again felt by Justin on ‘that day’ was nowhere evident in practice. Somewhere it says that there is a way that seems right unto man but the end thereof is the ways of death. On this day, Justin was not able to see beyond the first half of the verse. He had conditioned himself to think that what he was planning with Sushmita was executable, workable and, ultimately, would be acceptable. They had started the final run to their pursuit of togetherness, which they thought was attainable.
They started making plans as to how both of them could get together and, at the same time, take care of Justin’s responsibility towards the boys. They never discounted to give complete support to Pearl in her life afterwards. How these things would happen was anybody’s guess. This would also mean that Justin would have to give up his ministerial work with the church so he started enhancing his skills in other vocations.
Without raising eyebrows, Justin very gradually started giving up his direct input in the church ministry and instead, started mentoring the able ministers from within the church to take up the lead role. For long, Justin had stopped the laying of hands on the church members for any reason. Instead, he would ask one of the co-pastors or the elders of the church to lay hands on members whenever the occasion arose. He firmly believed that by laying of hands, the anointing gets imparted to the other person. He was wary, lest anyone may receive the negative portion of his characteristic. He restricted his preaching the Word of God to a single Sunday in the month; instead, he would go out of his way to help the co-pastors to prepare their sermons for various church services.
Justin and Sushmita weighed their options and came to conclude that Justin should go and try to settle in America, while Sushmita should go back to her hometown in Bangalore. To look for job opportunities in America, Justin was banking upon his knowledge in the financial sector and his recently acquired computer skills. Sushmita, as a computer programmer, would not find it difficult to come across a suitable opening in her hometown. They both came to realise that they would have to wait for an opportune time and place to settle down together, and as such, they quietly started correspondence with their contacts with a view to further their plans.
Showdown
By now, Pearl’s show of displeasure, though still subtle, was ever-present. The boys, at their tender age, did not know how to respond to such conspicuous developments. In fact, all the three in Justin’s family always had very good and close relations with Sushmita who, along with her relatives, was a frequent visitor to their house all these years. There used to be frequent family visits from both sides on all occasions though, for the last few months, Justin started to feel the piercing eyes of Sushmita’s aunt, Mrs. Goodwin, on his movements. In fact, in recent days, Mrs. Goodwin had clearly spoken her mind to Sushmita on the matter and there were scenes of strong disagreement between the two.
The resultant interaction between the two families dwindled and got limited to the church services. Justin and Sushmita very much regretted this, but nothing would deter them from the path they had set their hearts to follow.
Knock on the Door
That particular day in June promised to be a scorcher. It was still morning and already Justin could see refraction in heat waves rising from the dis
tant buildings which were bearing the brunt of the June sun beating down on them. The only place in Justin’s house where one could let go a sigh of relief was right in front of the air-cooler, which ran with its big exhaust fan making a continuous humming rumble. Justin put his chair directly in the path of the cool breeze that the heavy-duty exhaust fan of the air-cooler was sucking from the Khus curtains (cooling straw), which were soaked by continuous stream of water. Justin could afford neither an air-conditioner nor the huge electricity bill that it would generate; so the air-cooler was his luxury.
With both the boys away at school and Pearl at work, Justin had settled down with his Bible to read and meditate, when suddenly, the doorbell rang. Justin got up with great reluctance, for occasionally, street vendors would venture up the staircase of these apartment buildings and knock or ring the doorbell to promote their wares.
Justin opened the door and was about to reprimand the presumed street vendor for disturbing him, when he came face to face with very unusual visitors at this time of the morning: his four co-pastors from the church. Did the colour drain from his face? Yes, for sure, and he had a foreboding of a brewing storm. There was no reason for them to be here; weren’t they supposed to be at work right now…? was the first thought that came to Justin’s mind.
‘Praise the Lord, brothers, what a surprise!’ Justin said trying to keep his composure.
‘Praise the Lord, brother’, all replied in unison.
‘Please make yourself comfortable while I serve you cold water. It is very hot today’” said Justin trying to calm down ominous thoughts crisscrossing his mind.
‘No, brother, we are fine. Just come and sit with us for we wanted to talk to you on a particular matter’, said the youngest of the four.
Justin had a very good idea of what was coming as he settled himself on his chair facing the four. For a few moments, the only comforting thing was the cool air coming out of the air-cooler, with its humming sound occasionally interrupted by the piercing chants of the vendors who were going about their business as usual on the street below.
Justin could see glances being exchanged between the four, coupled with hesitant expressions on their faces, probably deciding with unspoken words as to who should initiate the conversation.
After fidgeting in his seat several times, one of the co-pastors gathered the courage to say, ‘Brother, we wanted to talk to you about Sushmita and yourself’.
Justin’s mind froze for a few moments. It is amazing how a person can mentally traverse a whole lifetime of his past in a few seconds. As if detaching himself from the ‘present’, where his co-workers sought his attention, Justin scanned back all those years since he and Sushmita developed inordinate affection for each other, to until this day, when his co-pastors had ultimately gathered courage to broach upon this subject. Talking to himself, he thought, did he ever expect another ending to his ‘adventure’ or more appropriately ‘misadventure’? However, for now, he had to shake himself out of this behavior of soliloquy, an act that he never committed to his own embarrassment or confusion of a passer-by.
‘Oh!’ was the only response he could muster.
Until now, Justin had always seen a very bright countenance on the faces of these ministers of his church. They were always full of energy, ever encouraging, trying to bear each other’s burden whenever an occasion demanded. However, today, they looked dejected; though on a deeper probe into their eyes, Justin could also gauge an expectant spirit. That glimmer of expectancy in their eyes told Justin that they had not completely lost faith in him and were hopeful that this time of temptation could be overcome by prayerful discussion, and some of his exploits that were out of line could be wind down.
‘Brother, we love you. All these years you have been our guide in the ministry, and we are sure things can once again be put in the right perspective’, said one of the four, bending forward, resting his elbows on both his knees and holding his Bible in the hands.
The third interjected saying, ‘The congregation loves you very much. Many of them have been spiritually born of you, and they all look towards you as their spiritual father. Till now, not many are in the know of all these things, but soon they will be able to read between the lines’.
‘For the sake of God’s work, the love of the congregation, your family and also for the good of Sushmita, we sincerely request that the two of you should choose separate ways’, he continued to say, while looking towards others as if seeking their approval.
Giving a pause, possibly thinking things through his mind, he concluded his speech projecting assurance and comfort to Justin and said, ‘You don’t have to worry about Sushmita for we would talk to her privately. If you are ready to retrace your steps, we are sure she would be left with no option but to go along with your decision. Moreover, she is young and has her whole life ahead of her. In due course, she would find a good match for herself and settle down in life’.
Expressionless, Justin sat twiddling his thumbs and then, crossing his hands behind his head, he very gently started rocking his revolving chair back and forth.
Church Ministers
As if going through a time machine while the eyes of the four co-pastors beheld him expectantly, Justin transported himself to those moments when at different ministerial times, each one of them was encouraged by him to take a step of faith and dedicate their lives for a more active role in the church ministry.
Justin could vividly remember the time when, in one of the home fellowships, he had laid his hands on Arvind, a tall, middle-aged, soft spoken and prayerful man, and prompted him to prepare himself to be a part of the church ministry. Arvind accepted the word of wisdom, started praying in real earnest, and very soon, dedicated himself to become one of the co-pastors of the church. Arvind was always well-respected and loved by the congregants.
The second co-pastor, Ashok, was a stoutly built man with an ever-present soft and benevolent expression on his face. His demeanour defied the vocation that he pursued, which was operating heavy machinery. He had the listener’s ear and whenever he needed to put forth his point of view, it was always with great clarity and straightforwardness. With the bible tucked securely under his arm, he was always there ready to help, ready to pray. Compared to the other main ministers of the church, Ashok sought God steadfastly through prayer and fasting. He was, ‘the man on his knees’. People would flock around him after the church meetings requesting for intercessory prayers on their behalf.
Cyril, the third co-pastor, was a frail-looking man who, at times, seemed to easily get molded by the opinions of others; but strangely enough, capable of bringing forth his individual view when none was expected. After Justin, if an occasion demanded that someone may lead the way, the other co-pastors looked upon this feeble-structured man to take the initiative, and he never disappointed in that role.
Ravi, the fourth co-pastor, was the youngest of the lot. He was highly educated in his secular vocations with various degrees and diplomas tucked under his belt. His presentations were forceful, an art that he had learnt in the boardrooms of corporate offices. Usually dressed in his casuals and jeans, instead of the dress code as promoted by Justin and the other three, this young man manifested his anointing on various occasions while preaching in the church or other church-cell meetings. Ravi’s unassuming character was popular with the younger crowd of the church, yet he was a person whose personality commanded recognition amongst the elders as well.
Justin’s train of thoughts was disturbed by Arvind whose voice seemed to echo from a distance, ‘Brother, we would like to hear from you in the matter. Our approach may have antagonised you, but we have come as your well-wishers and co-laborers in this ministerial work’.
This was one of those few occasions in Justin’s life from which he could neither wiggle out nor wish it away. Many years back when he was young and was taking a shower in the bathroom, he observed a strange occurrence that scared him a lot and left indelible mark upon him. On one side of the bathroom, t
here was a window covered with wire-mesh that opened towards a shaft, which ran vertical to the building. The shaft was used as an air vent for the bathrooms of all the flats situated on this four-storied building. The shaft also had plumbing pipes running from top to bottom. These pipes, with the connecting bends and the T’s, were a convenient resting place for pigeons and some other small birds. The shaft was open at the top and, during the day, was well lit by natural light. In the shower, Justin always enjoyed the crooning of the pigeons and the small tap dance that they would do by swaying from one side to another. Some time, they would move in a circular motion on their feet at the same spot, once clockwise, then anti-clockwise, and then again the tap dance.
On this particular day, while taking a shower, Justin was observing the dance of this particular pigeon sitting on the windowsill, when all of a sudden, he saw that the crooning and the dancing of the pigeon stopped abruptly and it shut its eyes. The eyes were shut so tight that Justin could clearly observe the whitish eyelids of the pigeon against its grey-feathered skin. Midway Justin stopped his activity of playing with the soapy lather and with eyes partly covered with the soap lather, he strained to see what was happening. All of a sudden—to the horror of Justin—in that flicker of a moment, a cat pounced on the pigeon and caught it by its neck. The feathers of the bird flew everywhere in the shaft and in the very next moment, the cat with its prey in its mouth was gone. Till date, Justin remembers his shriek and the fright he experienced for many days.
Today, the same emotions surged through him and he wished the situation to disappear at the closing of his eyes. To his discomfort, they did not vanish, but to his relief, his co-pastors were not like cats pouncing upon him, but those who came to him with noble intentions and the spirit of humility.
‘What do you expect me to say?’ asked Justin.
‘Brother, you are wise enough. We just wish that you should make the right decision and take up the path of restoration’, said Ashok. ‘We are with you to support you with our prayers’.
Justin knew that, today, he would have to spell out the course of his life. From the day Sushmita’s mother, during her visit to the city of Delhi, repeatedly reprimanded her on the relationship with her pastor, Justin and Sushmita started thinking things through. They started discussing various scenarios that could confront them, whether in the church or through family members. In fact, every time their confrontation with members of either of their families became more unpleasant, their commitment to each other became stronger. They had come to the stage where they could no longer disown each other, whatever the cost may be.
They had started to probe life outside the church circle; where and how it would be, they both did not know. On several occasions, the two had discussed the probable process of divorce between Pearl and Justin and how they would have to go about it in a discreet manner—whatever that meant. Divorce and discreet! How that was possible was anybody’s guess. Neither had an answer to such questions. The one thing that they had decided upon in all these uncertainties was to stick together through the thick and thin.
That day was the first time Justin had come face-to-face with this situation. His co-pastors, unaware of all that had transpired between Justin and Sushmita, were waiting to hear something encouraging from Justin, their Senior Pastor. The Bible was full of examples of famous biblical characters who erred but then repented and started afresh, but Justin was choosing a different path.
‘Yes, they made their hearts like flint, refusing to hear the law and the words which the Lord of hosts had sent by His Spirit through the former prophets…’. (Zechariah 7: 12)
It is never easy to disappoint people who trust and depend upon you, and that day, Justin was standing in that very situation. With a heavy heart, he was preparing himself to make them come face-to-face with the harsh reality that he was about to tell. He loved all these people whom he had encouraged in the past to come forward in the church ministry. He had groomed them and laid his hands on them while inducting them in the ministerial work. For all these years, they had prayed for each other, carried each other’s burden; they had been together through many ups and downs in this ministerial journey. In the church, they had built new relations that at times, proved to be stronger than natural relations were. He was about to jolt them out of the inter-dependence they had built through faith upon God and upon each other. As the saying goes, life is not always a bed of roses. In spite his best intentions, today, Justin was at a point in life, where he was about to agonise everyone.
He made his heart like flint, devoid of any emotions, and said, ‘Brothers, I love you all, and I am very sure that you do believe this. I am sure you also trust that I have been truly trying to serve God. However, with a very heavy heart, I want to confess that what you have said is true; Sushmita and I have developed affection for each other and we will not be able to change this equation’.
Concerns
‘What will happen to your family, brother?’ they asked in unison.
‘Well, I and my family have not discussed this as yet, but soon we will come to some conclusion’, was Justin’s reply.
‘What will happen to the church?’
‘Brothers, the church is not dependent upon one person; it is the Body of Christ and He has raised able ministers who would carry the work forward. I have faltered and I must leave. You would have noticed that for quite some time, I had relinquished the charge of the church and you people have been managing the affairs. That is how a church or any other organisation should work—whoever is not able to carry on the responsibilities in spite of one’s commitment must go. The church is not standing on one pillar, there are many pillars that support this structure and the responsibilities should be taken over by them’, Justin explained further.
‘Brother, is it that easy to replace a leader? Is it that easy to just go and tell the congregation that Pastor Justin will not be with us anymore? You must take all these things into account before making a final decision’, pleaded one of them.
The youngest one said, ‘What will the outside world say, what will we tell them? Do we tell them that our senior pastor has given up God’s work in pursuit of his worldly desires?’
‘What will become of this church? Who would like to come to attend our services after this? You are not giving a thought to anyone else, except yourself. Brother, you must think it over again’, he continued in an agitated voice.
The heat was picking up for Justin. He did not have an answer to any of those questions. There was no way to justify his own missteps. He was their culprit and he knew he was leaving them in a lurch. They were probably better off in their own vocations as nominal Christians before they had met Justin. Many years ago, Justin was the one who, discerning the anointing upon these men had encouraged each at different times to take up the higher calling. With grace, all in the past had received the vision that Justin imparted to them about the church ministry. They had started taking out time after their secular vocations to devote themselves to the ministerial work in the church. At times, they would cut into their family time but would keep pressing on, never looking back even once and today; their mentor himself wanted to leave them midway. This was criminal, it was deceit, and it was leaving people orphaned.
In spite of the fear of facing ridicule, stiff opposition from families and friends, and being displaced from their respective vocations, Sushmita and Justin had been quietly preparing themselves for such an eventuality. They knew that they were going to break many-a-heart and the church system, as an institution, would suffer because of their selfish and so to say aberrant actions. Basic trust of people in whom they believe would become debatable, but with no ambiguity in their minds, Justin and Sushmita had prepared themselves to go ahead and eventually fulfill their desire of living together. For the purpose of their togetherness, they had decided to jeopardise the togetherness of families, friends and community as a whole.
The Bible says, ‘A man who isolates himself seeks his own desir
e; He rages against all wise judgment’. (Proverbs 18: 1)
To deter any further counsels, requests, pleadings or hidden admonish, Justin said with finality in his voice, ‘Brothers, I respect each one of you and value everything that you have said, but let me once again repeat that I cannot give up my relations with Sushmita. I will also not be available from now onwards to take the responsibility of any lead role in the church’.
They were crest-fallen. There was complete silence in the room that seemed to drag for an eternity when, ultimately, the youngest co-pastor Ravi said, ‘Brother, you don’t have any fear of the Lord’.
Resignation writ large on their faces, heads hanging and shoulders drooping, they left. Justin had a heavy heart but somewhere he felt as if he has achieved something that he coveted. It being, the first step towards togetherness with Sushmita.