With my hand on my pounding heart, I let out the breath I’d been holding. Still kneeling down, Damien smiled up at me, and suddenly everything seemed right in the world. I’d longed to see that smile directed toward me again.
He stayed crouched down for a while, trying as best as he could to reassure Dudley.
Damien finally stood up and walked toward me while Dudley stayed by the door waiting in the hopes that Drewfus would be coming through any minute.
Not knowing what to say or do, my body stiffened. Damien shocked me when he pulled me into him and held me tightly as he let out a long breath into my neck. My body relaxed into him as we just continued to hold each other.
“He’s really gonna be okay?”
He took a step back to look at me. “Yeah. The vet thinks so. They have to keep him there for a couple of days. He’s gonna have a bit of a recovery, but he’s gonna make it.”
“God, you have no idea how scared I was for you.”
“Me, too.”
“I’ve been praying so hard.”
“Thank you. It worked.”
“Is Jenna okay?”
“She’s still at the hospital, actually. We got into it a little, though. She was being a pain in the ass. I’m fucking exhausted.”
“Got into it about the accident?”
“Yeah. She accused me of not watching him closely enough.”
“That’s bullshit. You’d give your life for those dogs.”
“I almost did when I ran after him, Chelsea.”
The thought of something happening to Damien made me ill.
“How did the accident happen?”
“He saw a little dog on the opposite side of the road. Drewfus goes crazy over little dogs. Anyway, I tried to stop him, but he’d bolted faster than I could catch him. The Corolla didn’t have the chance to stop. He’s lucky the woman wasn’t going any faster.”
“You do look exhausted.”
“You sayin’ I look like shit, woman?”
He plopped down on the couch and rubbed his eyes.
“I should go and let you get some rest.”
“No.”
“No?”
“Can you stay?” When I didn’t respond, he said, “Please.”
I nodded. “I can stay.”
He patted the spot next to him. “Come sit next to me.”
“Alright.”
He laid his head back in silence until he finally turned to me. “Nice try.”
“What do you mean?”
“You were trying to get out of talking to me about what happened between us.”
“Tonight isn’t the right time to bring that stuff up.”
“You were never going to bring it up. If it weren’t for what happened with Drewfus, you’d still be avoiding me.”
“I’m sorry. But you’re right. I would rather forget that night. Everything about it is mortifying.”
“Why is it mortifying? You were drunk. We had a moment. Shit happens.”
“You called me a little perv.”
“You are a little perv.”
“Thanks for confirming that.”
“It’s not a bad thing. I love that you’re a sexually curious person.”
“You love that I watched your sex tape?”
“No. That I don’t love. But I’m not faulting you for your curiosity. You’re human.” We continued to stare at each other until he said, “You’re wanting to ask me something. Go ahead. Ask me.”
“Who is she?”
“An ex-girlfriend named Everly. We had taken a trip to Jamaica. That video is over five years old. She’s married now with a baby. It’s fucking old news, Chelsea.”
“Is she the reason you’re so fucked-up?”
“Whoa…I didn’t realize I was fucked-up. And you accuse me of name calling?” He chuckled. “No. She has nothing to do with anything. She was just a small chapter of my life. Everly thought it would be fun to record us that day. I threw that disc in a box where I’d always kept random shit. Never even watched it once. Forgot I even had it until you reminded me. End of story.”
“I thought my admission about the video was why you were mad, why you left.”
“God, no. It was never about the video. I don’t give a shit about that. I was pissed because of the message you sent me.”
“I was just messing around. It upset me a little that you still had an active profile. I got jealous.” I shook my head. “Why am I even admitting this?”
“Because you’re honest. I respect that. Since we’re being honest…speaking of the site…I don’t want you going out with that guy Mark until I have a chance to check him out.”
“You can’t dictate who I date.” I paused to ponder how he even knew about that. “How do you know about Mark?”
“You’re not the only one who knows how to snoop, Sherlock.”
“I’m not following. Are you a hacker or something?”
“I created that account. Remember, genius? For Christ’s sake, you never changed the damn user name and password. All I need to do is type in your name and fire3, and I see everything you’re doing.”
“You have no right to spy on me like that.”
“I wasn’t spying on you. I was trying to keep you safe.”
“How is that your business?”
“Because you’re my fucking best friend. That makes you my business.”
His admission made me speechless for a moment.
His best friend?
“I am?”
“Well, you were…until the night you asked me to duck, then stopped talking to me.”
“I didn’t know you felt that strongly about our friendship.”
“Well, now you know.”
“Yeah. I guess I do.”
“Anyway…about that Mark dude. I have a bad feeling about him. Get his last name and let me check him out before you go out with him. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Have you eaten?”
“No.”
“I’m not going to be able to sleep. Need to get my mind off of Drewfus. Why don’t I make us a pizza?” He got up from the couch before I could answer.
“Okay. Only if I can help, though.”
“There’s not much to do. You can entertain me while I make it. How about that?”
Leaning my arms against the counter, I watched as he took out the dough from the refrigerator.
“When did you start making your own pizza?”
“Actually, I used to work in a pizza and sub shop with my brother when we were younger.”
“That explains it.”
“Ty and I used to compete for the affections of this one girl who’d come in. One day, she challenged us. Ordered two pizzas and told each of us to make one. She wanted to see which one she liked better. The maker of the winning pizza got a date with her.”
“Who won?”
“It never got that far. We got into a fight before we even started. Fucking flour and pepperoni everywhere. The owner fired us for making a scene.”
“Wow.”
“Years later, we concluded that the girl was a bitch for ever pinning us against each other. It was a good lesson.”
“So, you and your brother were competitive growing up?”
“Somewhat. After my father passed, we both became the men of the house and had more responsibility than many of the kids we knew. My mother’s depression was pretty bad—still is to this day—although the worst years were the first few after my father died. The stress brought out the worst in us. I love the guy, but we definitely have the same competitive streak.”
“What does he do for a living?”
“He’s a restaurant manager, but he’s thinking of moving to L.A. to pursue acting full-time. He’s had some acting gigs here in the Bay Area. Tyler’s not as practical as me when it comes to building his nest egg. I do what I want with my painting and all, but that’s because I also have this building to fall back on.”
“I can’t believe you never
told me your brother is an actor. You know my sister, Jade, is an actress on Broadway.”
“Yeah…you mentioned that. What does your other sister do?”
“Claire. She’s a teacher. The three of us couldn’t be more different.”
“In what way?”
“Well, Claire is the oldest. She’s the sensible one. Never got into any real trouble. Married her high school sweetheart. Jade is the youngest. Tall, model looks, overachiever, outgoing—complete show off. She’s funny as hell, and I’m closest to her. Then, there’s me. I’m the short, crazy one in the middle and neither sensible nor outgoing. Just…” I hesitated.
Damien answered, “Quirky and sweet…adorable.”
“I wasn’t going to say that.”
“Well, that’s my take.”
“I suppose you’d also say a little perverted.”
“No.” He winked. “I’d say a lot perverted.”
We ate the pizza on the living room floor while Dudley sat between us. He was finally getting his appetite back and ate some of our scraps. The television was on, but we weren’t really paying attention as we chatted, making easy conversation about our families and the latest happenings with the tenants in the building.
Everything was kosher until our attention turned to a graphic sex scene that was part of the movie that we supposedly weren’t paying attention to. Things started to get really awkward fast. Damien grabbed the remote and changed the channel as quickly as he could.
I got up off the floor. “I think it’s time for me to head next door.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
Dudley had other plans. As I made my way to the door, he started to whimper.
I scooted down. “I’m sorry. I have to go, buddy.”
He began to lick my face as I scratched his head.
“I know you don’t want me to leave.”
I snuck out fast, but as soon as I returned to my apartment, the howling started. Dudley wasn’t letting me off easy.
My phone rang. It was Damien.
“He started to really freak out after you left. Do you think you can come back? Just for tonight. He’s all fucked-up.”
“It’s really late.”
“You can sleep in my bed with him.”
“Where are you going to sleep?”
“On the couch.”
“I guess neither one of us will get any sleep if I don’t come over, huh?”
“I’d say that’s a safe bet.”
“Okay, let me just change into my pajamas.”
Damien let out a breath into the phone. “Thank you.”
The idea of sleeping over there didn’t sit well with me. Here I was trying to get over my feelings for him, and I was about to spend the night at his apartment for the first time with him there. It was for Dudley’s sake, but still.
After brushing my teeth and changing into my pajama shorts and long-sleeved cotton sleep-shirt, I returned to Damien’s door.
“You look comfy.” He smiled. “Thanks for coming back.”
“I’m gonna go straight to bed,” I said, walking past him and toward the bedroom.
Dudley followed me, seeming to understand exactly why I’d returned. Damien had folded down his sheets just right for us and turned on the small lamp. So much had happened between us since the last time I’d slept in this bed. We’d had that amazing kiss, but he’d also managed to destroy most of my hope.
I really wanted to go back to my apartment but couldn’t do that to Dudley.
I slept on my stomach while the dog nestled himself at my side. Damien’s smell was all over the pillowcase just like I remembered, but it no longer gave me pleasure to inhale him. It made me feel nothing but sadness and painful longing.
I hated myself for being unable to shake this, for my inability to just appreciate him as a friend. Maybe I was too vulnerable for a friendship with a man because the wounds from my breakup with Elec were still fresh. Maybe if this were another time in my life, I could’ve handled the situation with Damien better.
Damien had gotten up to use the bathroom that was right outside his bedroom. Listening to him pee, I tossed and turned.
He must have heard me because he stopped in the doorway. I could barely make out the silhouette of his bare, sculpted chest in the darkness.
His voice was low. “You need anything?”
“No, I’m good.”
“Dudley’s out, huh?”
“Yes.” My answers were short to match my odd temperament tonight.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
I didn’t answer.
Rather than returning to the couch, Damien approached the bed and sat down at the edge. He placed his hand on my head and ran his fingers slowly through my hair. That simple gesture was my undoing.
“Please don’t touch me.”
Seeming shocked at my abrupt reaction, his hand stilled. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to do anything Chelsea. I was jus—”
“Oh, I know you weren’t. Believe me, I know that.” He went quiet, and I continued, “You keep sending me mixed messages, Damien. For the record, I love it when you touch me, but it’s better for me if you don’t. You’ve been very upfront with me. You’ve made it clear that there’s no future. I appreciate your honesty so much. But I can’t handle it when you touch me. I just don’t understand why I can’t ignore these feelings despite everything you’ve said. Sometimes, I honestly think it would be better if…”
“What? Better if what?”
I shut my eyes tightly, willing the words to come out. “Better if I moved.”
“Don’t fucking say that, Chelsea.”
“Not right away. Maybe I just start looking casually. I don’t really see another solution. I don’t want to see you with other women. Our walls are thin.”
“What if I promise not to bring anyone home?”
“That’s unrealistic, and you shouldn’t have to do that to protect my feelings.”
“I’ll do anything to keep you from moving.”
“No.”
“That’s it? You really want that? We’d never see each other. That would make you happy?”
“No. It really wouldn’t. But we could still be friends. I want you in my life. I just don’t want to know every single thing you do—or person you do—under the circumstances.”
“I need you next door. Don’t leave. We’ll figure this out.”
“You can’t have it both ways, Damien. You can’t look at me the way you do. You can’t call me over in the middle of the night to sleep in your bed with your dog. You can’t keep me close and treat me as if I’m a huge part of your life and expect me not to get attached to you. It’s unnatural and unhealthy, and whether it’s your intention or not, you’re hurting me.” Fuck. My eyes were starting to fill with tears. Since I had already made a fool of myself, I went on. “I’ll never forget that kiss. I can’t ever undo knowing what that felt like. Sometimes, I wish I could.”
He exhaled. “I won’t ever forget it, either.”
“I know you have the best of intentions. I know you don’t mean to hurt me. But to use your own words…this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. That’s why I have to leave. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while.”
Still at the edge of the bed, Damien put his head in his hands. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “So fucking sorry.”
My heart had never felt heavier than this moment. Still so confused, I was only sure of two things.
One: I had to move.
Two: I was desperately in love with him.
CHAPTER TWELVE
OH, BROTHER
“I can’t believe you’re really going through with it,” Jade said.
I was gathering things I wouldn’t be keeping into a garbage bag while chatting with my sister before one of her performances.
“A huge part of me doesn’t want to. I feel so safe here. But for my sanity, it’s necessary.”
??
?He’s letting you out of your lease?”
“He is.”
“That’s good, because he could’ve totally been a dick about it.”
“He knows why I’m leaving. He wouldn’t be a dick under these circumstances. We’ve been cordial since the night in his bed when I lost it with the poor dog sleeping next to me. Damien isn’t happy about this, but I think he understands. He knows he can’t stop me.”
“How’s the injured dog doing by the way?”
“Drewfus is good. I’ve been going over there and visiting. He’s still recovering, limping around. But thank God, he’s gonna be okay.”
“Good. When do you actually move?”
“In a couple of weeks. The new place isn’t vacant yet. I’m slowly packing all of my small things. Mom and Dad are coming to help me with the big stuff on moving day.”
“I wish I could fly out and help, but I won’t get any breaks from the show for a while.”
After a brief pause, I asked, “Do you think I’m being ridiculous?”
“In what way?”
“Moving because I can’t control my emotions. In an ideal world, I would learn to just deal with it, wouldn’t I?”
“Well, it doesn’t sound like your feelings for him are easily controlled. You’re removing yourself from a situation that you know would be painful for you long-term. And you’re being upfront about it instead of making up excuses for leaving. That’s brave. So, no, I don’t think you’re being ridiculous, Sis. I think he’s the ridiculous one.”
Letting out a relieved breath, I said, “Thank you.”
“More people should be open about their feelings even if it hurts.” Someone’s voice rang over an intercom in the background. “Shit. I have to go,” she said.
“Thanks for listening, as always. I have to run out and take some of this crap to the dumpster out back anyway.”
“Catch you later, sista.”
On my way back from taking out the trash, a voice stopped me in my tracks just as I was opening the door to my apartment.
“You must be Chelsea.”
It sounded like Damien.
When I turned to him, for a split second, I thought it was Damien. The guy standing in the hallway looked like him. I had to blink a few times before it sank in that this was his brother.