It’s totally sweet. No parents. Just one grown-up—Mrs. Heinie, our dorm mother, snoops and spies on us and tells us what we shouldn’t be doing that we do anyway.
My buddies and I live in Rotten House. Just like B. A. Gool did when he went to school here. That night, I called my friends into my room to tell them my movie idea.
Feenman and Crench sat on the floor and leaned back against a wall. They were sitting under my favorite poster—the big poster of ME! They kept punching each other in the shoulder to see who would scream first. It’s kind of a sport.
Chipmunk sat in my armchair. Beast dropped down onto the edge of the bed and started pulling feathers out of my pillow. Billy the Brain stood by the door, reading a book.
“What’s that book about?” I asked Billy.
He shrugged. “Beats me. It’s in French.”
See? I told you he’s a total brainiac.
I passed out cans of Foamy Root Beer. It’s our fave. The foam is so thick, it stays on your face for hours.
“Where’s Belzer?” Feenman asked, landing a hard punch on Crench’s shoulder.
Crench had tears rolling down his face, but he didn’t scream.
At that moment, Belzer stumbled into the room. He carried a huge metal bucket. He dropped it in front of Beast.
“I picked as many as I could find,” he said.
“Good work, Belzer,” I said. I touched knuckles with him.
Belzer was sweating and panting hard. Guess the bucket was heavy.
“What’s in there?” Feenman asked. He leaned forward and stuck his face into the bucket. “Ohhh, yuck! That’s totally sick!”
“No way it’s sick,” I said. I reached in. “Haven’t you ever seen a toadstool before?” I held up a mushroom.
“Gross,” Chipmunk said, hiding his eyes.
“The toadstool is actually a member of the marsupial family,” Billy the Brain said. “It’s related to the Australian kangaroo. Its brain is located under the floppy cap, which protects it.”
“Wow. Billy knows everything!” Crench said.
“Billy, I thought a toadstool was a mushroom,” I said.
Belzer shook his head and moaned. “All I know is, the stupid things squirted toadstool juice all over my school blazer.”
Poor guy had brown stains up and down his jacket.
“It’s worth it, Belzer,” I said, slapping him on the back. “This is gonna help us win the Horror Movie Contest.”
“I don’t get it,” Crench said. “You’re gonna make a movie about a bucket of disgusting toadstools?”
“Better than that,” I said. “Listen up, dudes. Listen to pure genius. Our video is going to be called Attack of the Toadstool People.”
They stared at me. Feenman and Crench stopped punching each other’s shoulders.
“We’re gonna paint faces on all the toadstools and shoot them up close,” I said. “The toadstool people will attack the school—and Beast will be their leader.”
Feenman frowned. “Beast? Why Beast? Don’t you want a human star?”
“Are you kidding?” I said. “We can’t lose with Beast as the star. He already scared B. A. Gool!”
Chipmunk hugged himself. I could see he was shivering. “Too scary for me,” he said. He dove under the bed.
“Chipper—come out of there!” I cried. I tried to pull him out by the feet.
“Let go, Bernie. I’m not coming out till the movie is finished!” he called in a soft, trembling voice.
“Hel-lo?…Bernie? I think the movie is finished,” Feenman said.
I spun around. “Huh? What do you mean?”
Feenman pointed at the bucket. Empty.
Beast had a big grin on his face. “All gone,” he said.
Beast ate the entire bucket of toadstools.
He wiped his mouth with the back of one hand. “I like ’em better with sauce!” he said.
Chapter 6
ATTACK OF THE APPLES FALLING ON YOUR HEAD
I took a walk on the Great Lawn. Walking always helps me think. I needed a new movie idea—something Beast wouldn’t eat.
It was a clear, cool October night. Stars twinkled in a cold, black sky. The apple trees along the path shivered in the breeze. Every once in a while I heard the thud of an apple hitting the ground.
Attack of the Apples Falling on Your Head?
No. Not scary enough.
I had my head down, eyes on the grass, thinking hard. And I bumped right into Jennifer Ecch.
“Raise your head. Look into the camera,” she said.
“Excuse me?”
She had a camcorder pressed to her face. She had it pointed at me. I tried to duck away, but she followed me with the lens.
“Sugar Nose, aren’t you thrilled that I’m making a movie about you?” Jennifer asked.
“Don’t call me Sugar Nose,” I groaned.
Jennifer is the biggest, hulkiest, strongest girl in school. For exercise, she pulls trees out of the ground! And that’s just for a warm-up!
I call her Nightmare Girl because she’s totally in love with me. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be in fourth grade and have a girl call you Sugar Nose in front of all your friends?
I covered my face with one arm. “Jennifer, please stop!” I cried.
“I can’t stop, Honey Breath,” she said. “I’m taping your every move. You’re the star of my horror video.”
“No, I’m not,” I said. “I don’t want to be in your movie. I’m making my own movie. Please—go away.”
She got a pouty look on her face. “Cutie Patootie, don’t you even want to know what my video is called?”
“No, I don’t,” I said. “And don’t call me Cutie Patootie.”
“It’s called Bite Night,” she said.
I stared at her. “Hey, not bad,” I said. “Good title. Is it a vampire film?”
She grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me into a tall hedge. “Here, Sugar Nose. I’ll show you what Bite Night is about.”
I howled. “STOP! I’m begging you—STOP!”
I squirmed and struggled, but I couldn’t get away. She wouldn’t stop biting my neck. She had huge horse teeth, and I think she sharpened them with a file!
I cried. You’re giving me RABIES!”
Finally she pulled her teeth back. She made some loud, lip-smacking noises. Then she checked her camcorder.
“Good scene,” she said. “You did some good screaming. But I think we need to shoot it a few more times—just to make sure.”
Chapter 7
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST II
The next morning, I woke up with bruises on my neck and an awesome idea for a horror video.
Belzer brought me breakfast in bed, and I hummed all through my scrambled eggs, bacon, sausages, potatoes, sun-dried tomatoes, cheese Danish, blueberry muffins, cornflakes, waffles, and toast.
Just a light breakfast for me today. I was too excited about my idea to eat very much.
I pulled on my school uniform, tightened the tie around my neck—the beautiful mix of purple, green, and yellow, the school colors—and hurried outside to find April-May June.
April-May June is the coolest, hottest girl at Rotten School. She’s wicked nuts about me. Only she doesn’t know it yet.
I saw her across the Great Lawn, hurrying to class. Her blond ponytail swayed behind her. Her blue eyes sparkled like…like…blue eyes.
“April-May—wait up!” I shouted.
She started to run faster. She always plays hard-to-get. It’s proof that she’s crazy about me.
I caught up with her and flashed her my best smile. “Nice morning, isn’t it?”
“It was a perfect morning till this second,” she said.
She has an awesome sense of humor.
April-May’s eyes narrowed at me. She made a disgusted face. “Bernie, what are all those bandages on your neck?”
“Oh…uh…I had a biting accident,” I said.
Her mouth dropped open. Her chewing gum
fell out. “You were biting yourself? I knew you had a big mouth—but that’s ridiculous!” She tossed back her head and roared with laughter.
I told you she has a great sense of humor.
I could feel myself blushing. “Actually, it’s just mosquito bites,” I lied. “I’ve got to get some bug spray. I’m so sweet, mosquitoes can’t resist me!”
She picked her chewing gum off the walk and popped it back into her mouth. “Bernie, what do you want?” she asked.
“I know you’re dying to star in my horror movie,” I said. “But you’re too shy to ask me. Right?”
She pulled the gum from her mouth and stuck it onto my forehead.
“Is that a yes or a no?” I asked.
“I’d rather eat my toenails whole,” she said.
“Aha! I knew you’d be interested!” I cried. “You’ll love this idea. It’s Beauty and the Beast II, starring you and Beast. Perfect, right? You’ll play Beauty.”
“No way,” she said.
“Don’t worry,” I told her. “We’ll clean Beast up so he won’t be as scary as in real life.”
“No way,” she said. “I won’t do a movie with the kid who ate the class hamster.”
“It was an accident,” I told her. “Beast just wanted a taste!”
“No way, Bernie,” April-May said, shaking her head. “I promised Sherman Oaks I’d star in his video. Sherman is gonna win, and he said he’ll let me be in B. A. Gool’s new movie.”
I rolled my eyes. “What kind of horror movie is Sherman making? His life story?”
“Ha-ha, Bernie,” April-May sneered. “You’re about as funny as gas pains.”
See? She’s totally nuts about me. She just doesn’t know how to show it.
April-May pulled the gum off my forehead, popped it back into her beautiful mouth, and hurried away.
I took two steps toward the School House—and two strong hands pulled me into the hedge. I let out a gasp. “Jennifer!”
The Ecch had me by the neck.
“Honey Eyebrows, did I hear you correctly?” she asked. “Were you telling April-May that you want ME to star in Beauty and the Beast II?”
“Yes, we’re gonna call it Beast and the Beast!” I joked.
Uh-oh.
Bad joke.
Very bad joke.
“Jennifer—please—” I begged. “You can take a joke—right?”
“Sure, I can,” she said. “But right now, let’s rehearse another scene from MY movie!”
Chapter 8
DON’T TELL ANYONE
That afternoon, I spotted Sherman Oaks’s pal Wes Updood. He was setting up equipment behind the Student Center. I jogged over to him.
“Whussup, dude?” I said to Wes Updood.
He nodded at me. “Hearty granola,” he said. “Bucket of slops. Ya know?”
“For sure,” I replied.
Wes is the coolest, hippest guy at Rotten School. He is so totally cool, no one understands what he’s saying!
“What is this stuff?” I asked, pointing at the tall lamps and boxes of electronics in front of him.
“Shake your salt,” Wes said. “Shake your salt and pepper. But don’t shake your booty.”
“No problem,” I said.
“Shaker Heights,” Wes said. “Be there or be square. Know what I mean?”
“Akron, Ohio,” I replied. I was trying to get on his wavelength.
He burst out laughing. “Akron, Ohio?” he repeated. “Ha-ha-ha-ha. Good one! Lake Erie, dude!” He laughed some more.
Luckily, Sherman Oaks came strolling up to us. He slapped my shoulder. “Bernie, old buddy,” he said. “You came to try out for my movie? You’re a little early. Auditions don’t start till three.”
I blinked. “Try out for your movie?”
“I guess you just can’t wait to be in it,” Sherman said.
“Mahwah, New Jersey,” Wes Updood muttered. He pulled more equipment from a large trunk.
“You’re joking,” I told Sherman. “Why would anyone want to be in your movie when they can be in mine?”
Sherman snickered in reply. “What’s your movie called, Bernie?”
“I’m not telling,” I said. “What’s your movie called?”
“Don’t Tell Anyone,” Sherman replied.
“I won’t tell anyone,” I said. “What’s it called?”
“Don’t Tell Anyone,” Sherman said again.
I raised my right hand in the air. “I promise I won’t tell. What’s your movie called?”
“Don’t Tell Anyone,” Sherman repeated.
“Okay, forget it,” I muttered. “Don’t tell me what it’s called. I don’t care. What makes you think you can do a movie that’s as good as mine?”
He snickered again. “Maybe because of this little contraption my parents bought for me,” he said.
I stared at the equipment Wes was setting up for him.
“It’s a digital video camera with 3-D sound,” Sherman said. “It has high-def 1080 resolution with freeze-frame and instant replay. And check out the built-in tape editor, sound mixer, drum machine, projector, DVD player, keyboard, and sandwich maker.”
I made a loud gulping sound. I couldn’t help it. “Not bad,” I muttered. “If that’s the best you can do.”
“Let me show you how it works,” Sherman said. He pushed a lot of buttons, moved a mouse around, clicked a lot of dials—and handed me a ham and Swiss sandwich.
“Pretty good,” I said. “But you forgot the mustard.”
Sherman studied his machine. “Weird. I asked for mustard.”
I shook my head. “Nice equipment, Sherman,” I said. “But I can make a better movie with my cell phone.”
“Good luck, Bernie,” he said. “Here come the kids who want to try out for my movie.”
I turned and saw a long line of kids running toward us. April-May was at the front of the line, followed by…followed by…
My best buddies in the whole world? Trying out for Sherman’s movie??
I shouted. “What’s up with you two? What are you doing here?”
Crench flashed me a grin. “Yo, Big B,” he said. “We heard everyone in Sherman’s movie gets free sandwiches!”
Chapter 9
GIANT MONSTER ANTS UP CLOSE
That night, I paced back and forth in my room, thinking, thinking hard. I smelled rubber burning, but I knew it was just the Bernie B. brain, sizzling away.
Did I have any movie ideas?
Not exactly.
Earlier that night, we snuck into Joe Sweety’s room and tried to turn him into a mummy. But that ended badly, with me being strangled by Joe for about twenty minutes.
Now I needed a new idea. Something a little less painful.
“Yo, Big B!” Belzer called. He came bouncing into my room, carrying about 800 pounds of brown hair in his arms.
“You got a haircut?” I said.
He shook his head. “No. It’s a costume—see?” He held it up.
“Is that your Halloween costume?” I asked. “You’re going as a smelly pile of hair?”
He shook his head again. “No. It’s a gorilla costume. I thought we could use it for a scary movie. You know. Like King Kong IV or something.”
“Belzer, where’d you get it?” I asked.
“My mother sent it to me,” he said. “She thought it was pajamas.”
I gagged and held my nose. “Belzer, get it out of here!” I cried. “It…it smells worse than Beast!”
He turned and slumped away, leaving a trail of gross gorilla hair on the floor.
I held my nose for about ten minutes, till the smell started to fade. Then I had an idea.
I hurried downstairs to Billy the Brain’s room.
I told you—Billy is the biggest brainiac at Rotten School. I knew he’d have a million great movie ideas.
“Yo, Brain, what’s up?” I called, stepping into his room.
He was leaning over a big glass case, a camcorder pressed to his face. I s
tepped up beside him. “What is this?” I asked.
“An ant farm,” he said. “I filled it with about a thousand ants.”
“Cool,” I said. “And you’re studying them for Mr. Boring’s science class?”
“No,” he said. “I’m making a horror video. Check it out. If I use my telescopic lens and go in really close, I can make the ants look like giants!”
“Excellent!” I said. I told you the dude is a genius. “What’s your movie called?”
“Giant Monster Ants Up Close,” Billy said. “But I’ve got one major problem.”
“Problem?” I asked.
“Yeah. I can’t find any ants in here,” Billy said. “It’s weird how they all disappeared.”
I gazed at the glass case. “It’s not too weird,” I said. “You left the lid off.”
Billy stared at the empty case. “Oh, well,” he said, “I’ll just change the name of the movie. I’ll call it ESCAPE of the Giant Monster Ants.”
They don’t call him Billy the Brain for nothing!
I saw ants crawling all over the floor, swarming over his desk and dresser, onto his bed, under his pillow…crawling up the back of his shirt.
I started to itch all over. I had to leave.
I stepped out into the hall—and a huge, snarling creature leaped on me—and sank its hot, wet fangs into my throat.
Chapter 10
ME, THE WEREWOLF
“Beast—get off me,” I said. I pried his teeth from my neck.
“Awwww, Bernie,” he moaned. “How’d you know it was me? Didn’t you think I was a werewolf?”
“Werewolves don’t drool that much,” I said. “Also, werewolves don’t wear a school blazer.”
He looked down. “Yeah. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should lose the blazer.”
“Beast, why are you out in the hall leaping on people?” I asked.
“You were supposed to act scared,” Beast said. “I’m making a movie. It stars me. It’s called Me, the Werewolf.”