“Good title,” I said.
I was impressed. For once, Beast was acting fairly human. Whenever we went to the movies together, he always ate the seat cushion. But now here he was, making his own movie.
I glanced around. “Hel-lo. Just a minute,” I said. “There is no one else here. Who is taping you?”
Beast lowered his furry eyebrows. “Taping me? No one,” he said. “I’m making this movie by myself.”
“But, Beast,” I said. “You need someone with a camera…someone to shoot the movie. You can’t just run up and down the hall jumping on people and biting their throats!”
“Huh?” he said. “I can’t?”
Chapter 11
MORNING OF THE ROBOT WORM
I spent the night dreaming up scary movie ideas. Too bad I didn’t have time to do any homework.
The next morning, I walked into Mrs. Heinie’s class and flashed her a big smile. I knew I’d have to fake it today. Use the good old Bernie B. charm.
“You’re looking terrific today, Mrs. H.,” I said. “Those bright red earrings you’re wearing are totally awesome!”
“I’m not wearing earrings,” she said. “I have an ear infection.”
“Oh,” I said. “Well…it looks good on you.” I hurried to my seat between Feenman and Crench in the back of the room. We always sit in the back. Mrs. Heinie is totally nearsighted, and she can’t see us back there.
Flora and Fauna, the Peevish twins, sit in front of me. They were flipping frantically through their textbooks.
“We didn’t do our homework,” Flora whispered. “We were too busy working on our movie.”
“What’s your movie about?” I asked.
“It’s about a virus that, when you get it, you can’t stop pinching your sister,” she said. “It’s way scary.” She reached over and pinched her sister’s leg as hard as she could.
Fauna screamed. Her leg flew up and kicked the boy in front of her.
“See? Scary!” Flora whispered. “We’ve both got a lot of purple bruises, but I think we’re going to win.”
She let out a scream as Fauna pinched her shoulder.
Sherman Oaks turned around with a big grin on his face. “I’m making my movie right now,” he whispered. “See that giant robot worm with the dripping fangs against the wall?”
I turned to the front. Yes, there was definitely a giant brown worm with fangs behind Mrs. Heinie.
“It comes from Japan,” Sherman said. “I can control it with this little remote unit in my hand. It’s a robot covered in real worm skin.”
“How do they get the skin off worms?” Feenman asked.
“Don’t even think about it,” Sherman whispered. “I’m using it for my movie, Morning of the Robot Worm. Every time Mrs. Heinie turns her back, the worm will creep up closer to her. Great suspense, huh?”
At the end of the row, Chipmunk jumped up from his seat. He was staring at the giant worm and shaking all over. “T-t-oo s-scary!” he stammered. “We’re being attacked. Run for your lives!”
Chipmunk took a running leap and dove out the window. Luckily, our classroom is in the basement. He didn’t have far to fall.
Near the front of the room, Billy the Brain had ants crawling in his hair and on the back of his neck. My friend Nosebleed was videoing Billy as he scratched and squirmed.
Fauna let out another scream. Her right arm was black and blue from all the pinching.
Near the window, Beast howled up at the sky like a werewolf.
Mrs. Heinie tapped her desk with a ruler to get everyone quiet. “I hope you’ve all read your homework,” she said.
“Yes, we have!” we all lied.
“Can anyone tell me what today’s chapter was about?” she asked. “How about you, Wes?”
Wes Updood squirmed in his chair. “Uh…it’s like jelly in a jar,” he said. “No worries, you know. Just jelly in a jar.”
Mrs. Heinie squinted at him through her thick glasses. “Are you making any sense at all?” she asked.
“Please, no hints,” Wes said. “Let me guess. Is it jelly in a jar?”
“Did you read the chapter?” Mrs. H. asked him.
Wes nodded. “Does jelly jiggle in a jar?”
Mrs. Heinie shook her head. “Wes, I don’t think you read the chapter,” she said.
Wes blinked a few times. “Can I go to the bathroom?” he asked.
She frowned at him. “Class just started. Why do you want to go to the bathroom?”
“Just trying to think of something to say,” Wes replied.
Mrs. Heinie let out a sigh. “I don’t think any of you did your homework,” she said. “I think you’re all working on your scary videos and not doing your schoolwork.”
“No, no!”
“Not true!”
we all protested.
And that’s when Sherman lost control of the robot worm. And it slid up behind Mrs. Heinie and bit her on the butt!
Chapter 12
LOUSY NIGHT AT THE ZOO
“I’m not happy,” Mrs. Heinie said, after she finished screaming. “I don’t like being attacked by giant snakes in my classroom.”
“It’s not a giant snake,” Sherman said. “It’s a giant worm.”
“I should punish you all,” Mrs. H. said. “I should keep you from going on the overnight on Friday.”
Overnight?
With all the movie mania, I’d forgotten all about it.
“But it’s too late to cancel it,” Mrs. H. said. “I’m sure you all remember that Friday night is the annual sleepover night at the zoo.”
Everyone cheered. Sherman made the giant robot worm bob its head up and down as if it was cheering along with us. This sounded like a cool night.
Once a year school groups get to spend the night at the Lousy Town Zoo. I know, I know. It’s a funny name. You see, the zoo was named after the man who paid for it, Louie B. Lousy.
Lousy Zoo Night is pretty awesome. We get a night tour of the zoo. They give us a pizza dinner. Then we set up tents and sleep in the gorilla house.
How cool is that?
Sherman turned around and flashed me a thumbs-up. “This is perfect,” he said. “I can shoot another movie at the zoo in the dark. I’ll call it Horror Zoo. Totally creepy. I can’t lose!”
Feenman tugged my arm. “Bernie, what are we going to do?” he whispered.
“About what?” I said.
“It’s one week to Halloween,” Feenman said. “And we haven’t even started our movie.”
“No problem,” I told him. “Don’t even think about it. We’ve already won.”
“Won? How do we win? We’ve got nothing!” Feenman said.
“Trust me,” I said. “I have the winning idea. No way we can lose.”
I tapped Belzer on the head to get his attention. He spun around in his seat. “What’s up, Big B?”
“Belzer—get that gorilla costume,” I said. “I want you to bring it to the zoo.”
“Huh?” His mouth dropped open. “But, Bernie—you said it smells worse than Beast!”
“Belzer, what do you care about a little smell?” I said. “You’re gonna be a star!”
Chapter 13
ATTACK OF THE ROOT BEER
Friday night. Lousy Zoo Night. I sat near the front of the school bus and silently sang a little song to myself:
Bernie, you’re so smart.
I hope we never part.
I’m your brain, and I can’t complain
Because you are so smart.
You like to scheme and plan
Because you are the man!
You’ll outsmart Sherman
La–la–la–la–la
What rhymes with Sherman?
I couldn’t think of a rhyme, so the song had to end. But I sang it to myself a few times anyway. It brought a smile to my face.
Don’t you ever write songs in your head?
Hel-lo. Was I excited?
Does a crocodile have lips?
&nbs
p; My heart was pumping. I could hardly sit still as we bounced our way to the zoo. Belzer sat next to me. I kept punching him in the shoulder. “You’re the man, Belzer. You’re the man!” I kept repeating.
Belzer stared at me and rubbed his shoulder. “Are you okay, Bernie?”
“Awesomely okay!” I replied.
And why shouldn’t I be?
I finally had the genius idea that would win the Horror Movie Contest. My scheme would win the contest—and ruin Sherman’s movie!
No wonder I was writing songs to myself!
The bus rumbled through town. Behind me, Beast shook up two cans of root beer, pulled the tops, and sprayed root beer over the last five rows of kids.
That dude is a riot.
Flora and Fauna Peevish were pinching each other and screaming….
“No, I’m not!”
“Yes, you are!”
“I’m not! I’m not!”
“Yes, you are! I can prove it!”
“Ouch! That hurt!”
“Well, stop pinching me!”
“Then admit you’re wrong!”
“You’re wrong! Liar! Liar!”
I jumped up and walked back to their seat. “Yo. What are you two fighting about?” I asked.
They stared at each other for a long time.
“Uh…I don’t remember,” Flora said.
“I don’t remember, either,” Fauna snapped angrily. “Who asked you, Bernie Big Mouth?”
“Yeah. Get out of our faces,” Flora said. “We were having a nice family talk till you butted in!”
“Okay, okay,” I said, backing away. Talk about scary! I could videotape their “family talks” and win the contest!
I looked toward the back of the bus and saw Mrs. Heinie leaning over Chipmunk. Chipmunk had ducked down behind the seat in front of him. I could see he was trying to hide.
“It’s too scary,” he said to Mrs. H. “I can’t sleep with big, hairy gorillas. I just can’t.”
“But the gorillas are in their cages,” Mrs. Heinie told him. “You’ll be safe and sound in your own tent.”
“Can’t I stay on the bus?” Chipmunk asked in a trembling whisper. “I’ll just sleep here. Okay?”
“No one sleeps on the bus,” Mrs. H. insisted.
Beast had an evil grin on his face. He shook up another can of root beer and sent a frothy spray splashing over Chipmunk.
“Mrs. Heinie, can’t you make him stop?” Chipmunk whined.
“No, I don’t think I can,” Mrs. Heinie replied. “That’s why I usually keep him on a leash.”
“It’s for my movie!” Beast shouted. “Attack of the Root Beer!”
That reminded me. Time to get my big plan going. Time to start Bernie B.’s winning horror video.
I returned to my seat and pulled my camcorder out of my backpack.
Here goes. Watch genius in action….
Chapter 14
THE MAKING OF HORROR ZOO
I walked back to Sherman’s seat, raised the camcorder, and started to tape him.
“Hey, what’s up with this?” Sherman asked. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Just act natural,” I said. “Pretend I’m not here.”
“Excuse me?” Sherman said, hiding his face from my camera. “What’s the big idea, Bernie?”
“Ignore me,” I said. “Just act normal.”
“But—but—” he sputtered.
“What’s the name of your horror movie again?” I asked him.
“Horror Zoo,” he answered.
“Well, I’m doing a documentary,” I said. “It’s called The Making of Horror Zoo.”
Sherman lowered his hands from his face and stared at me. “You mean you’re making a documentary about me?”
I nodded. “Yeah. It’s a behind-the-scenes thing. Starring you.”
He thought about it. A smile spread over his face. “Sweet!” he said finally. “I guess you finally realized who the master moviemaker is around here.”
“You got it,” I said. I moved the camcorder right into his nose for a close-up. “Wiggle your nostrils,” I said. “Good. That’s good. Very scary.”
He pushed the lens out of his nose. “So you’re just gonna follow me and my crew around and tape everything we do?”
“You got it,” I said again.
Only he didn’t get it.
I didn’t tell him the whole truth. My film was not about the making of Sherman’s film. It was actually about how Sherman and his pals try to make a movie—but get scared to DEATH!
Chapter 15
SCREAM, SHERMAN, SCREAM!
My buddies and I had it all worked out. Our plan was to terrify Sherman and Wes and their pals. And get it all on tape for my movie—Scream, Sherman, Scream!
How could I lose?
The bus pulled up to the zoo’s front gate. It was decorated with jack-o’-lanterns, giant spiders, and lots of cobwebs. As we drove through, I saw that the whole zoo was decorated for Halloween. Mummies, scarecrows, and coffins poked out from trees and bushes. Strange orange lights cut through swirling, thick fog.
Perfect.
I heard creepy organ music. And the sound of wolves howling in the distance.
Even more perfect.
“I’ll just stay here,” Chipmunk was telling Mrs. Heinie. “Someone should guard the bus—right?”
But she pulled him out with the rest of us.
We carried our bags and tents to the gorilla house. It was a cold, cloudy night. No moon in the sky. The wind rustled the trees and blew dead leaves over our feet.
Totally scary.
The big gorillas stared at us through their cage bars. One of them moved his finger over his lips and went, “Buh-buh-buh.”
What did that mean?
“People. People! Gather around!” A tall, chubby man in a green uniform and green cap waved us over to him. “I’m your guide for the night,” he said.
He held up a silver badge. “I’m a zoo ranger. I guess my parents really wanted me to work in a zoo. They named me Sandy, and my last name is Eggozoo.”
He waved for us to follow him. He guided us along a narrow path that led past several low buildings. Creepy music poured from hidden speakers. Jack-o’-lanterns grinned at us.
Sandy Eggozoo opened a door and held it for us to go inside. “This is the snake house,” he said. “As you can see, our snakes are all behind glass, so you can view them easily.”
I stared into a glass cage. A huge, blue snake, curled around a log, stared back at me with its beady, black eyes.
“The snakes move a lot at night,” Sandy said. “You guys are lucky. The python was fed this afternoon. We feed it mice. You can still see the mouse bulging in its throat.”
“Ooh, gross,” April-May June said.
Beast licked his lips. “Do you have any mice left over?” he asked.
“We’ll eat later,” Mrs. Heinie told him. “We’re going to have pizza.”
“Pizza is good, too,” Beast said.
The only snake I was interested in was Sherman Oaks. He and his pals walked over to the python cage and started to set up their movie equipment.
They turned a spotlight on April-May. She was the star of Sherman’s movie. Behind her, the python raised its head and slid toward the glass. Sherman set up his camera.
“Lights, camera, action,” I whispered to Feenman and Crench. That was our signal to get to work. Time to start terrifying Sherman and everyone working on his movie.
We started over to him. But Billy the Brain stepped in front of us.
“Yo. Dudes. Here’s something I bet you didn’t know,” Billy said. “If you cut off a snake’s head, it’ll grow a new one in a few days.”
“Very cool,” I said. “You know everything, Brain. But we’re kinda in a hurry and—”
“Here’s another interesting fact,” Billy said. “The snake is the only animal that doesn’t brush its teeth.”
“Is that true?” Feenman said, scratching h
is head. “Wow. That’s amazing.”
“Tell us some more,” Crench said.
I gave Crench a push. “Did you forget we’ve got things to do?”
I pulled Feenman and Crench away from Billy. We slipped over to where Sherman and his gang were starting to videotape their movie scene.
I handed the camcorder to Feenman. “Just push the red button to record,” I whispered.
Then I turned to Crench. “Have you got it?”
He nodded. And pulled a big, black rubber snake out from under his jacket. The snake had two long, pointy fangs. It bobbed up and down in Crench’s hand. Its eyes glowed yellow.
It looked real and alive.
“Feenman, start recording when Crench tosses the snake,” I whispered.
I turned to Crench. “Wait till April-May starts reading her lines. Then toss the snake right in front of her. Ready, dudes?”
I hated to do this to my girlfriend. But this was going to be a great opening scene for our movie, Scream, Sherman, Scream!
We crept a little closer. In its cage, the python seemed to be watching us.
“Okay. Action!” I whispered.
Feenman raised the camcorder to his face. Crench tossed the big snake.
“Poison Mamba!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.
Chapter 16
SNAKES ON MY LEG
A perfect toss! The rubber snake bounced on the floor and curled around April-May’s leg.
She shot her hands into the air and let out a shrill scream of horror. Sherman screamed, too. He tripped and stumbled to the floor with a loud thud.
Life was sweet.
I turned to Feenman. “Did you get that on tape?”
He nodded. “Hope I didn’t shake the camcorder too much. I was laughing pretty hard.”
“We totally messed them up,” Crench said. We slapped knuckles.
Sherman climbed to his feet and came stomping over to us, swinging his fists.
Uh-oh. The dude looked angry.