"You don't have to go with me. I will go, I promise," I smiled.
"I know you will, but if they have to give you pain meds to set the bone, you're going to need a ride." she said seriously.
"You seem to know a lot about this sort of thing."
"I broke my leg skiing a couple years ago. They didn't set it very well initially, and when I got back, Dr. Kline had to break again to reset it. It was not a great experience. He's a great doctor though. I don't have any problems with it now."
And just like that her insistence made sense.
My reluctance to be with this beautiful girl who cared this much about me was absurd.
"I'll meet you around back."
She walked away and I just watched her go. I could be with her. I could be happy for a while. I could. I wanted this so much.
But when it ended, it would hurt.
Badly.
CHAPTER 8 - JESSE:
"What's your last name, Jade?" I asked sheepishly as I sat there watching her navigate the busy city streets.
"Hartzog," she answered with a quick glance at me. She looked surprised for an instant, but then her expression changed and she just looked sad. "What do you know about me, Jesse?"
"Nothing. Not a single thing. I'm sorry. I really made an extreme effort to stay out of your life. I never looked at your time card or asked what your major was. I never asked what sort shows you were in. I knew you were a student at Julliard, but that was just another reason to stay away."
"Because of your last girlfriend?"
I looked away out the window. "What do you know about me?"
"Everything I could find out from our coworkers. I know you put yourself through school. I know she was dancer. I wish she hadn't broken your heart."
"She didn't break my heart. I did."
Jade pulled into the parking lot of a fancy medical tower and she parked. "Jesse, would you tell me the story later? I would really like to know."
* * *
The waiting room was empty. It was late in the day for appointments, and the receptionist handed me a sheet to fill out as she chatted with Jade. A guy in scrubs came to the door, told Jade the doctor was waiting for us, and took us right to an examination room.
The doctor came in wearing a dress shirt and a silk tie. He had a heavy school ring on one hand and a thick wedding band on the other.
He was a successful, professional man.
I envied him for a moment and then immediately felt bad that this man in his nice clothes was going to have to deal with my foot.
He hugged Jade. He called her BeBe, for some reason that I did not know and it sort of underscored how little I knew about her. But every time our eyes met, I heard that music in my head, that tiny bit of precognition was obviously telling me something, the same thing Ani told me as we watched the sun set in The White Room: grab on to her, don't let go.
And just as I was about to bury my thoughts in justifications as to why holding on to Jade was such a terrible idea, Dr. Kline turned and shook my hand. He made a bit of small talk as I took my shoe off, but the pain of actually manipulating the foot to get it out of the shoe, stole my mind away from the conversation. I could feel Jade, though. Or maybe I could hear her; her thoughts, her emotions. I could feel her distress at seeing my pain and her desire to heal me. All of me, not just my foot. I could actually feel that she loved me.
Dr. Kline let out a long slow breath. "What in the name of God was in the box that fell on your foot?"
"Books. Hardbacks. A new shipment of a brand new release, ironically, it was a comedy."
He laughed.
Someday, I thought, retrospect might actually make that funny in my mind too. This was not that day; at least it was not at that moment when Dr. Kline's fingers were probing my foot. There did not seem to be any doubt at all that my foot was broken. I was secretly holding on to some hope that he might say it was a bad bruise, maybe a hairline fracture, but no, his exact words were, 'let's get an x-Ray and see how bad a break we're looking at.'
The results were not good and yet, not as bad as Dr. Kline seemed to think they would be. He asked me if I was allergic to any medications. I had no idea but I said no. He gave me some sort of injection to ease the pain and told Jade I was going to need to be watched for the next twelve hours. She was holding my hand tight and told him earnestly that she would watch me.
Our eyes met.
The drugs began to kick in very quickly.
I don't remember him actually setting the bone.
CHAPTER 9 - JADE:
Damn.
Why did every single thing have to be so complicated?
I was in love with a guy who may have had some feelings for me. He held back for reasons that I was still only guessing at, but obviously were related to a broken heart and his financial situation. And if that wasn't enough to smother this not-even-a-week-old relationship that I'd been dreaming about for so long, now he'd interviewed with my father's law firm and he was going back for a second interview to meet the partners.
I was thrilled for him.
I could guarantee him that job by making a few phone calls, but I knew Jesse. If he found out that I'd done that, he'd turn down the position and that would be the end of any possibility of us being a real couple. The problem was that even if I did nothing, when he found out that my father was a partner he would probably think I got him the job anyway based on the few things I told him about my life.
It seemed like this was a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation for me.
I'd asked him to come over after work and I was pacing my apartment wondering what I should tell him and thinking about the things that happened when Dr. Kline had him drugged up.
* * *
I took him back to my place. I could have taken him home, but I didn't exactly know where he lived or what his living situation was. I mean, I knew he lived in an apartment not too far from the bookstore, but I didn't know if he had roommates or how many. I didn't know if there would be anything to feed him. I knew he lived on an extremely tight budget, I just didn't know why.
Anyway, I told Dr. Kline that I would watch over him and that was exactly what I was going to do.
Clearly Jesse had never done drugs.
I mean, I had never done any sort of illegal drugs either, but I had Morphine a few times, and some heavy-duty narcotic painkillers for the broken leg incident. My dentist also believed quite strongly in using nitrous oxide for even routine procedures. I sort of knew what to expect when I was taking those drugs. Jesse probably hadn't taken so much as an aspirin since he left his parents' house. The drugs Dr. Kline gave him were too strong for someone who'd most likely never even been drunk.
The sound it made when Dr. Kline set the bone made me queasy. I was actually thankful in that moment that I had been sedated when he had to reset my leg. By the time we left the office Jesse wasn't feeling any pain. He was staring at me like he was dreaming.
I was staring back because he was my dream.
Dr. Kline gave me all the instructions for caring for his foot because he was not in a state where he would remember. And then I took him back to my place.
He was fine for about the first thirty minutes. He sat on the sofa staring into space and then he turned to me, and asked, "Why did the doctor call you BeBe?"
"Because my real name is Bianca."
"Bianca. That's a pretty name. Bianca."
"Thanks."
"Jade, I think you're beautiful."
"You do?"
"Yes. I love your long hair and the way your eyes look at me," he paused. "Who is Bianca?"
I began to laugh. "I am."
"Oh. Why do I call you Jade?"
"I prefer Jade."
"My name is Jesse."
"I know. I like your name, Jesse."
He looked happy. He didn't seem to be in pain.
He also didn't se
em to notice that he was at my place.
Then he started acting funny.
He was thirsty. I gave him water. I tried to feed him, but he said he had no appetite. He looked around like he'd realized he didn't know where he was but he didn't say anything about that. Suddenly he started to turn green.
"Is it really hot in here, Jade? I'm so hot."
And then he whipped his shirt off.
I swear time stopped.
"My God, Jesse, you are beautiful." I couldn't help myself. I just said it. I mean, I knew he was well muscled but my imagination did not do him justice. He was built like a God. Every inch of him was muscle. It was all I could do to keep my hands to myself even as he stood sweating and looking like he might faint.
"I'm a nobody, Jade. I'm so stupid. You're always good to me and I am just stubborn," he paused. "Where is my shirt?"
"You just took it off a second ago because you were hot."
"It’s so hot. Why is that music so loud?"
"What music?"
"That music, the music that's always playing. It's so loud."
"I don't hear it, Jesse," I said as I tried to sit him back down.
"Oh no, I think I'm going to be sick," he gasped and he tensed up.
I took him down the hall toward the bathroom, but when we passed my room he asked if he could just lie down for a while.
And there was the man I'd been dreaming of for sixteen months laying in my bed.
He closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a few moments as I watched him. His color got a little better.
I got a damp washcloth, took off his glasses and laid the cool cloth across his forehead.
I went to the kitchen, got the trashcan and some water just in case he got sick. I gently took the boot off his leg and set it aside.
Then I sat down on the bed and watched him.
He looked like he was asleep but then he suddenly started talking.
"How did I get here?" he mumbled.
I began to answer him, but he kept talking, like he was talking to someone else.
"Is she here? Why? I haven't ever come here when she wasn't here. I don't know how to get to this place. Wish for it. I don't have that magic. Yes, she told me, but that was different, she made it happen."
He was having a conversation I didn't understand, and I wished I knew what was going on in his head.
And suddenly, I did. I was in whatever the dream was that he was having. Jesse was pacing a place that looked like what I might have imagined the inside of a cloud to look like. There was a very small, old lady sitting there watching him, but she noticed me and smiled then she pressed her finger to her lips.
"What happened to you, Miel?" the lady asked.
"That's what my great-grandma used to call me. How did you know that? Is this just because of the drugs the doctor gave me?"
"It's a common term of endearment where we come from. What happened to you?"
"It was an accident. I broke my foot."
"And where are you now in your reality?"
He looked at her blankly. "I'm at a friend's apartment, I think."
My heart sank. Obviously he did not think of me the way I though of him, regardless of what he said in the stock room.
"Just a friend?" the lady asked.
He fidgeted. Then he sat and dropped his face into his hands. "God I wish it could be more than that. I wish that more than anything in the world."
"Why do you hold back? Make it what it is supposed to be."
Jesse startled violently in the bed and just like that I was awake. He was lying there shivering. I pulled the blanket over him and held him until the shaking stopped. I wanted to know more about what had just happened to him but he was fast asleep.
I sat, reading a book that I still had to read for homework, until finally my eyes drifted closed and I fell asleep beside him.
Morning came and he sat up, probably too quickly.
I startled awake.
"Where am I? Where are my glasses? What happened?"
I pushed him back down to the pillow gently and reached over him for his glasses. "You're fine, Baby," I said as I slid them into place. But he looked at me like he was terrified.
"I don't remember anything. Why am I undressed? Did we..."
"Jesse, nothing happened. Nothing. I promise you. Dr. Kline gave you a really strong painkiller when he set your foot. He said you needed to be watched because the drugs might make you sick."
"Did I get sick?"
"No. Almost. You got really hot. You took your shirt off. But then you just wanted to lie down."
He let out a long slow breath and relaxed just a little. "I'm sorry, Jade, I'm so sorry."
"For what?"
"Every time I open my mouth I must break your heart a little. You can do so much better than me."
"But I want you. I want us."
He looked at me for a long time. "I'm going to hurt you. I want this too, Jade, but I..."
"Can we just think about today and not what might happen in a week or a month? Can we just hold on to each other and be happy for little while?"
"Okay. This has got to be the worst start for a relationship in the history of mankind. I think the only thing that could have made this beginning any worse would have been actually getting sick last night. Did I do anything stupid that I should know about?" he sighed.
"No. You were sweet. You were a little out of it. You said I was beautiful."
"You are beautiful..."
And then my one perfect memory was cut short by the knocking on my door.
My heart raced.
I still didn't know what I should tell him.
CHAPTER 10 - JESSE:
The guarded high from the moderate success of my interview was not enough to change anything. I wanted this job. I needed this because if I couldn't find a way to succeed here, then the past seven years of my life had been an exercise in futility. I mean, not really. If I couldn't find a way to succeed in the city, the sacrifices I made here were going to be the only thing that kept me afloat. If I had to go back to Ohio and take a state job with all of that debt hanging over my head I would never, ever have been able to get out from under it.
That was not the life my father wanted for me.
It was not a life I could ask a beautiful woman to commit to either.
Jade asked me to come over after work and I knew I shouldn't. I knew that I was playing with fire. I knew that if I kissed her, the temptation to just take her in my arms and make love to her would be as great as my need to breathe. I also knew she wouldn't stop me. I couldn't even buy her dinner and she would let me have the most intimate parts of her.
But knowing I should stay away wasn't enough to actually keep me away. So there I was standing outside her building and a moment later I was knocking on her door.
"I wasn't sure this day would ever come, Jesse. I wasn't sure I would ever open this door and see you standing there."
"I wasn't sure I would ever be standing here, but I couldn't stay away."
She pulled me inside, gently, carefully avoiding my injured foot. Then she ran her fingers into my hair, pulled me close and kissed me. It might have been a moment. I could have stayed there forever. Jade was pressed against me and my arms longed to keep her there. They practically twitched with desire to hold her tight to me until she was part of me.
And that music played inside me.
My heart beat in time.
How could this have happened to me? I was in absolutely no position to have this piece of Heaven.
She looked at me with eyes filled with love and I probably looked at her like I was terrified of being near her.
"How was the night shift? Is your foot feeling any better?"
"I wore the boot the whole time," I smiled. "It feels about as good as it can feel."
"Why don't you sit and put it up for a while?" she said as she
led me to the sofa.
"I want to kiss you again, Jade."
"I want that very badly, Jesse," she answered softly.
And yet, she looked sad.
"Did I say something wrong?"
"No!" she answered. "Yes. I don't know."
"Jade, if I hurt you, please tell me."
"When you were here the other night, you were sort of talking in your sleep. You said I was a friend. Just a friend. Do you think this could be a relationship? Do you think about me like that?"
"I think about you like that. I'm afraid to think of this as a relationship because you and I are from different worlds."
"Is that what happened with your last relationship?"
I swallowed hard. "Yes."
"You said that she didn't break your heart, you did. I don't understand."
"She was standing in the doorway of her future. She was about to be a star and I couldn't even buy her a birthday present."
"Who was she?"
"Her name is Anika Rossi."
Jade's eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open. Then she slumped back into the sofa. "My God. I can't compete with that."
"What? What do you mean?"
"Anika Rossi? The dancer who is on every playbill in Lincoln Center? She's not only famous; she's practically a super model. She's the cover girl of American Ballet. I'm like a stick figure hanging next to a Picasso."
"Don't you say that. Don't say that. It's not like that at all. Ani was beautiful, but that wasn't why I loved her. Do you know what precognition is?"
"That's like seeing the future, isn't it?"
"Yes, but it can be more than that. Sometimes you can hear people's thoughts. Sometimes you can go into their dreams."
She tilted her head a little and looked at me. "You can do that, can't you?"
"I have a very small gift, Jade. I can hear numbers, whenever people around me have things related to numbers on their mind, I can hear it. Sometimes I can see things in dreams and they happen. Ani has precognition too, but on a much greater scale than mine. What she has is magic. And when we were together, we could do things I never would have imagined were possible. I met her on the worst day of my life, but just meeting the magic girl that I saw in my dreams turned everything around for me. For three months I was happy and sad. I never got to take her on a real date. I never made love to her. All she wanted was to be near me, she didn't care that we spent our time sitting on a bench on a busy street corner or in the pseudo reality she could create in our dreams. Then the fall semester came and I had to go. I had to let her go because she was about to be all those things you said she was and I couldn't even afford to get on the bus and visit her. I broke the magical bond. And I hurt her the same way I'll wind up hurting you in the end."