"Why does it have to end, Jesse?"
"Because you belong on Broadway and I am never going to get a foot in the door in this city."
"I don't believe that, Jesse. You have a second interview tomorrow. That's something, isn't it?"
"I don't know. I honestly don't know. It was my sixth interview, Jade. It took six tries to get someone to be interested in me as a person and tomorrow I'm going to have try to get all the partners to overlook that fact that I have no internships, I have no connections and my letters of recommendation are from professors not Congressmen.
I unload shipment in a bookstore. I have no skills that would make me worth taking a chance on and Mr. Coleman even told me my resume was too thin. The one skill I do possess that would make me a great candidate for a contract lawyer is the one thing I can't tell anyone about because it makes me certifiably insane."
"Jesse..."
"I'm afraid Jade."
"Of what?"
"Everything. I can't stay here working in the bookstore and hoping for a break. I put my whole life on hold for seven years. Seven years of working myself to death, sleeping on floors, whatever it took and it's going to have been for nothing because the fancy diploma and the high test scores aren't enough. I'm going to have to go back to Ohio. I'll wind up in some county prosecutor's office making pennies. And that's not a life I can ask you to be part of, so I'm going to lose this one thing that could make me happy and it's going to hurt."
"I could help you, Jesse. If you need letters, I can get..."
"I can't ask people who don't even know me to recommend me for a job."
"Do you think everyone who gets those letters knows the senators and attorneys general who write them? If that's what your competition has..."
"I don't want to start a career on a lie."
"I know," she sighed. "I knew you would say that. But I don't want lose you. My whole life is just exactly like the people your competing against. I'm the person who gets the breaks because I have powerful parents, and I don't know if I've ever deserved any of them. It's an easy life, but it's terrible way to live, Jesse. I have every material thing I could want. But I'm just faking my way through because I've never had to earn a thing. I've never even had to try to be successful. I could get you the letters. I could back you completely because you've earned every grade and every dollar that paid every loan. I know you're worth the chance."
"But they would still be a lie. Someone who'd never met me would still be writing a letter that wasn't true."
Jade dropped her head. "I would go to Ohio if you would ask. I know you won't ask me though."
"Who are your parents?"
"My father is a lawyer, my mother is Lieutenant Governor."
"Lieutenant Governor?" he gasped.
"Yes. I'm the token child of the golden power couple. I could get you job anywhere you wanted. I don't think that would make you happy. I think you'd just feel like you owed me something and I'm already afraid that you're only here because you feel like you owe me. You're the one thing I wanted to earn. I wanted this to be something real. I don't know what real feels like," she said quietly as she sat wringing her hands.
I reached over and pulled her into my arms and I kissed her. I kissed her slowly. I let my mouth explore every aspect of hers: the way she tasted, the way she moved, and every breath she shared with me. She was so real to me. If I had enough hope to let myself dream, I could see a whole future in her arms, because she loved me all this time. This beautiful woman, who could have anything she wanted, fed me on nights when I would have gone hungry and took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself.
I wasn't an idiot. I knew the music that played in my head for her. I knew she was the one Ani told me to hold onto no matter how hard it seemed. But I couldn't share those thoughts with her for the same reason I couldn't say the words to Ani. I had nothing to offer her. Nothing.
"Jesse," she whispered as she pressed her cheek to my chest, "will you stay the night?"
"I shouldn't."
"You should. I know you aren't ready to make love, but lying beside you, watching you sleep, was the happiest I have ever been in my life."
"Jade, why are you alone? I don't understand how such a beautiful woman doesn't have someone..."
"Because Bianca Hartzog is a socialite. She's a step on a political ladder. The men that want to be with me don't care about me. They care about my family line and what an alliance can do for them. I don't want be that. I can't be that. I can't live that way, Jesse."
"Bianca. It's a pretty name. But you don't have to be Bianca for me. I'll hold you all night if that can be enough, if that can be what you need."
"It's exactly what I need."
CHAPTER 11 - JADE:
There really was nothing like the feeling of lying pressed against Jesse. I'd dated before. I'd had flings. Those experiences were nothing like lying beside this man who filled my heart. He had his shirt off and his eyes closed. His breathing was slow and deep, but sleep hadn't taken him yet and his fingers were still gently stroking my back as I listened to his heart beat.
"Jesse?"
"Hmm?"
"Would you come see the opening of my show? You don't have to if you don't want to, I just have some tickets and I thought..."
"I would love to see your show, Baby," he whispered.
"Jesse?"
"Hmm?"
"Would you tell me if I wasn't good?"
"Nope."
"Really?"
"I can't imagine you not being amazing. But if you're really terrible, I will find a way to distract you every time you try to ask my opinion."
"Oh yeah? How exactly would you do that?" I laughed as I lay beside him, chin pressed into his shoulder.
"I have some ideas," he opened his eyes and smiled.
"When you smile at me like that, I have ideas too."
He closed his eyes again and pulled me tighter against him.
"You really wouldn't tell me? I thought you would."
"Don't I disappoint you enough? Can't I just be the guy who watches in awe and cheers? I don't think any director would give a part to someone who couldn't be the character. I think you probably have more talent than you give yourself credit for, and I just want be able to support you at something."
"Jesse, you don't disappoint me. I asked you to come here and you came. I love those afternoons when you take your break with me. Sometimes I can't even remember what we talked about because I sit there thinking 'I can't believe he's sitting here with me.' I wish this could be a real relationship, but I understand why it's stuck in limbo. I don't know why your life is so hard. I wish I could help you. I can be patient. Nothing would make me happier than for you to be the person who sits in the audience and applauds."
"I can be that, Jade," he said softly. "My father wanted me to be a lawyer. He didn't want me to be doing manual labor my whole life. He and my mother were so proud when I got accepted to Fordham. He told everyone. I mean literally everyone. And then my mother got sick. Even with the insurance my parents had, the bills were overwhelming. It buried them. The one thing that kept my father looking toward the future was that I was going to get out of there and make a better life for myself.
I just didn't see how that was possible. How could I just go away and leave them when they were struggling like that? They were so underwater they were in danger of losing the house. My father couldn't work as many hours because my mother needed care and everything fell apart. I was going to decline my acceptance or at least defer it. I was going to get a job and help him pay the bills, but he wouldn't hear of it. He said it was not my problem to handle and that I needed to get out of there. So while he was struggling to keep his life together and take care of my mother, he also spoke with the financial aid counselors and they took pity on him. At that point, I had to go. I couldn't disappoint him when my success was the only thing holding
him together. Seven years later, I still haven't found that success. I know my father is proud, but I still feel overwhelmed. I'm still putting every dime toward the last of my loans. And breaking my foot is just like the universe laughing at me, like I am never going to get my head above the water. I feel like everything is out of my control. The one thing I know about my future, the one thing I know I'm supposed to do, scares the hell out of me because failure would be the end of everything worth dreaming about."
"Jesse, I had no idea it was that hard. How could you manage that much pressure and still stand in the store with a smile on your face?"
"Because you're in the store Jade."
I laughed. "That's sweet. It's a lie, but it's sweet. You were this man long before you ever met me."
"Maybe, but I haven't been as happy as I am right now in a long time."
"I haven't been this happy either. Don't stop dreaming about that future, Jesse. Hold on to whatever that dream is. You're future is out there. I wish I could help you reach it."
"I didn't mean to burden you with my sob story."
I couldn't help myself. I began to laugh. "Burden me? You shared something with me, something really private. You let me in to your world, Jesse. You gave me an answer to all of my wondering about why you stay away, why you're alone. I think you are amazing, the most incredible person I've ever met. I know you're going to be a success."
"Thanks," he yawned. He curled his body around mine and we lay like two spoons together. Sleep took him right away, but I lay there with my back pressed against him wishing I could be his dream, wishing I could be the thing that got him through the tough times.
Wishing I could be his future.
"Really Jade?"
"Hmm?"
"Open your eyes," he whispered."
I did, but I couldn't seem to see anything but whiteness. "Where are we, Jesse?"
"This is the place between reality and dreams. This how the precognition works. This is The White Room. I haven't been here since Ani brought me here, but I think you wished for something and this place can grant wishes."
"The White Room. Fitting name. Jesse, you were here one other time. You were here last time you stayed with me."
"How do you know that? I don't have any memory of that."
"Well, you were pretty out it from the drugs but I made the same wish I made tonight. I saw you here but you were talking to an old lady who called you Miel."
"My great-grandmother used to call me that."
"What does it mean?"
"Something like 'Little Lamb' I think. What did you wish for that brought us here, Jade?"
"I wished I could be your dream. I always wish that," I said quietly.
He took my hand, pulled me to my feet and smiled. "Okay, so now you know you're my dream, what are you going to do about it?"
He had this smile that made me go weak in the knees. He was absolutely gorgeous and I was standing there like a fool just gaping at him.
He leaned in close, swept his lips across mine and whispered in my ear, "show me what you dream."
Just like that the place changed and we were standing in the stock room at the bookstore. Every detail was exactly right. Even the old piped in music was exactly the song that fueled my daydreams. It was a ballad by Boz Scaggs that made goose bumps run down my arms and butterflies fill my stomach. By the end of the second stanza I would be putty in his hands. And God, how I wanted him to touch me! Seriously love, look what you have done to me. How could one song define all I wanted in my life? How could one man become my whole world when we weren't really even a couple?
Jesse took my hand in his, wrapped his arm around me and we began to dance.
"You could wish for any place in the world and we're in the stockroom?"
"Every time this song comes on, I wish for this moment, Jesse. I dream of this moment. Sometimes I stand in that doorway just to see you, and imagine having the courage to do this. When you kissed me here, it was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me in all of my life. I know that it wasn't what you wanted, but it was perfect to me."
"I did want that, Jade. I'd wanted that kiss since the first time you spoke to me. I don't deserve you. I can't take care of you. And yet, I can't stop wanting you."
"I don't need you to take care of me. I just want you to want to be with me." He spun me around and pulled me in close to his body again. "How are you doing this? Doesn't it hurt your foot?"
He laughed. "Wishes, Jade. I wished it wasn't broken and here, now, it isn't. You can wish for almost anything here."
"Almost?"
"I think general wishing principles apply. You can have anything you want here, but you can't change the real world."
"I can't make you love me."
"I already love you."
"This is a definitely just a dream, you wouldn't say that if we were awake."
"Jade, if I were in a position to make a life with you, I would be holding on to you so tightly. I would never let go. Look, tonight we can do anything, let's have tonight and maybe tomorrow will take care of itself. He closed his eyes for a moment and everything around us changed.
"Are we in Greece?" I gasped.
"Yes. I'm not sure which island this is. It's the front cover of a travel book, and it looks so beautiful, so romantic. I stop and look at the picture every time I walk past that section in the store. I would like to see this place someday.”
"It is beautiful. Look how blue the water is, Jesse."
"I've never seen anything like it. Do you want to watch the sun set over the water?"
"You can do that?"
"This place is magic. It can do anything."
And just like that, the sky began to darken through the rainbow tones of sunset. Jesse stood behind me with his arms tight around me and his mouth pressed to my neck. I wanted him like I have never wanted anything in my life. My whole body burned for him.
"We can go anywhere in the world," he said as he laced his fingers into mine and we began to walk. The sky was still that magical shade of twilight, but the scenery changed. There were lush, green, rolling hills, as we stood high upon some sort of lookout tower. To our right the cobbled stone path continued on indefinitely, to the left there were steep stairs that led down to another part of the path. Crenellated walls lined the way on both sides. The building behind us was brick and mortar, but the ornate rooflines were a dead giveaway for our location.
I turned slowly, taking in the scene as Jesse watched me and smiled.
"I am fairly sure this is part of the Ming Dynasty reconstruction. It's a more modern part of the wall, all things considered."
"It's fantastic, Jesse."
"You look fantastic, Jade."
And I looked down at myself. I was wearing a deep violet purple Cheongsam with gold thread work and bright, embroidered flowers. It hugged my body like it had been painted on, but it was beautiful. "I wish I could keep this!" I laughed. "I can't believe we are standing on The Great Wall of China."
"We can go anywhere your fantasy wants to take us. It's your turn now. Show me, Jade."
My imagination wasn't nearly as exotic as Jesse's. I wished we were at my grandparents' cabin, lying on the plush rug before a roaring fire.
And in the blink of an eye, we were.
Jesse was shirtless and beautiful. I was facing him, our legs twisted together in an eternal knot. We were touching each other gently, intimately. Our mouths were made to be joined together. I could feel the hardness of his desire. It wasn't sex, but it might have been love and all I could do was pray that if there was a God who controlled fate that he would have mercy on us and let us have a future together out in the real world.
Alas, reality took us from the comfort of that cozy fire as the new morning crept through my windows.
Jesse had to go prepare for his interview. He was hopeful, but very tight-lipped about it as he kissed me good
bye.
And I stood there in fear that it might actually be goodbye.
I didn't tell him my father was one of the partners.
I should have told him.
If I had, there was a good chance he would have cancelled his interview.
But not telling him was most likely going to destroy everything.
I wished I could just go back to that moment when he said that he loved me. I could have spent forever right there.
CHAPTER 12 - JESSE:
I really wasn't sure how to prepare for this interview. I didn't have anything new to share with the partners that I hadn't told Mr. Coleman and I did not know how I was going to get six strangers to like me enough to make such a huge decision and take a chance on my career in just thirty minutes.
I needed to make an incredibly stellar impression.
I really didn't want to wear the stupid boot.
I was fixating on the trivial so I could avoid thinking about waking up next to Jade. Honestly, I didn't have any memory of the first night I spent at her place. And when I got there and she opened the door, nothing seemed familiar because I am ridiculous. I had woken up beside this beautiful girl who took care of me and all I could think about was getting out there before I did something stupid that my heart and my body wanted but my brain knew would be a mistake.
But then she asked me to come back and I did.
It was one of the greatest nights of my life.
I don't know exactly why The White Room took us, or why it granted our wishes. I don't know why it was so easy to admit that I loved her while we were in that dream place when I knew she was right, I would not let those words escape my mouth in my current reality. I knew she was the one. I knew I was supposed to grab on to her, but how was I supposed to let go of the guilt of being a burden?