Maybe the whole debate would be moot in a few hours anyway.
I would either get the job and then I could justify starting a relationship with her.
Or I would not get the job and I would let her down as easily as I could while I started sending resumes back to Ohio.
I wasn't ready to go back to Ohio. Going back was a failure in my mind.
I needed this job.
I needed one more miracle.
* * *
The receptionist tapped my shoulder sharply with her long manicured nail at precisely two o'clock.
I startled. "Sorry, I guess I was a bit lost in my thoughts."
"No need to apologize," she smiled. "I've seen that happen a few times. They're a very nice group, no need to worry."
I thanked her as we walked down the marble hallway, but not toward Mr. Coleman's office. She took me to a conference room. Five of the six partners were already inside.
Introductions were made, firm handshakes and words of welcome were passed along.
None of the five men were named Corwinn or Bankston so if there were partners related to the founders they were clearly not sons. Not that the names or relationships mattered to me, it was just interesting.
Mr. Coleman waved me to a chair as the others all sat. "Well, it seems that Matt is still tied up, and since I know everyone is on a tight schedule, perhaps we should just start without him," he told them, casual smile easily fixed on his face.
I tried my best to ignore my throbbing foot and answer their questions honestly. I felt like, as a lawyer they were expecting me to embellish and exaggerate, but I really didn't want to come off as pompous when I had nothing to show for it. I hoped my straight-forwardness would sound like integrity.
Ten minutes into the interview, the door abruptly opened.
The man who rushed in was definitely the youngest of the partners. The numbers in his head said he was forty-eight, but he looked a good bit younger than that. He was thinking about a phone number and the number of minutes late he was, but he smiled and extended his hand to me as I rose to shake it.
"Sorry I'm late. My phone call simply would not end. I'm Matthew Hartzog."
"Jesse Ianescu," I started as I shook his hand, "it's nice to meet you, Sir." The words came out of my mouth, but really I was just staring at him.
He had bright hazel eyes.
I knew those eyes.
Hartzog was not a common name.
I knew her father was a lawyer. I was sitting there answering personal questions wondering if Jade had already convinced her father that I should get this job. Wondering how I could possibly accept this job knowing I did not earn it or deserve it. Wondering what this man was thinking about me as he listened to my answers.
Wondering if he knew I woke up with his daughter.
She did not tell me I'd be interviewing with her father.
How could she not tell me?
Keeping my attitude positive was becoming increasingly difficult with every glance at him. I tried to focus on Mr. Coleman, but between the thoughts I could hear from the others, and the flogging I was giving myself, holding it together seemed impossible.
At last it ended.
I say 'at last,' but the whole process was only thirty minutes. It just seemed eternal.
I shook hands, I thanked them and I made my way out if the building.
I immediately wrote off this firm and this job.
The April sun was warm, but not warm enough to account for the fire in my veins. I couldn't even accurately say which emotions were causing my discomfort. I had a whole portfolio to choose from: anger, embarrassment, betrayal, grief, just to name a few.
The pain in my foot was a welcome punishment for my stupidity.
I walked all the way back to my apartment in my dress shoes. My foot was killing me, but I didn't even care. I changed clothes. I was so angry I wanted to snub the stupid plastic boot just because I wouldn't have the damned thing if it weren't for Jade, but I knew that was idiotic and I'd only be hurting myself, so I put it on and left for work.
I was already late because of the futile interview, and clearly I was going to have to keep working in the bookstore until I figured out what to do next, so I could not just blow this whole day off and try to recover myself.
I began mentally tallying what it would cost me to get back to Ohio. I could stay with my parents for a while as I interviewed, but I had no car, no apartment, no furniture, just getting started in a new place was going to bury me all over again.
I'd probably need a second job.
I'd probably be stuck there forever.
I was going to have to scour the bulletin board at Fordham again and pray that there were some new options.
The closer I got to the store, the greater my angst became. I knew Jade was in there. I wasn't ready to see her. I needed to do a good bit of physical labor and try to de-stress before I spoke to her. Of course, my eyes were drawn to her the moment I opened the door. But I tore them away and walked through the store with my head down until I was in the safety of the stockroom.
It wasn't better. All I could think about was how being in there with me was what she wished for.
The music was playing all the old songs that hinted about what my life might have been, but I ignored them. The brothers Gibb sang Nights on Broadway and my thoughts could have been limited to leaving Ani all those years ago, but no, my brain would only go back as far as Ani telling me not give up, not to let go. I threw myself into the work so the pain of physical labor would smother my thoughts and the only pounding my heart would be doing would be caused by exertion and exhaustion.
It worked for a good half hour.
And then the song she wished for, the song that made me want to crawl into Jade's arms and just forget the whole rest of my life, began to play.
I could feel Jade standing in the doorway.
I could actually feel her wishing she could just have that dream for a little longer.
I could also feel her fear of what was going to happen next.
I didn't turn and look at her. "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked as I continued to unpack the boxes.
"I thought if I told you, you'd cancel the interview. But I didn't tell him either, Jesse, I swear it. I haven't spoken to him at all because I knew you would turn down the job if I did."
"How can I possibly take the job, Jade?" I shook my head. "It doesn't matter. I was blindsided when your father came in and I could hardly answer anything sensibly as I sat there looking at this man and wondering if he knew I woke up with his daughter. They probably all thought I was a complete idiot and that Mr. Coleman was out of his mind bringing me before the whole group of them."
"Jesse, I'm sorry. I..."
"Jade, I don't want to talk about it. I just want to do my job and figure out what I am going to do next."
"Jesse, look at me.
"I can't Jade. It just hurts too much right now."
"You deserve the job, Jesse. If Ron Coleman offers it to you it's because he thinks you're right for it. Don't throw your future away because of me," she said quietly.
I could hear her sobbing as Boz Scaggs wondered how he'd manage to fall in love so easily. I wondered too.
CHAPTER 13 - JADE:
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Clearly one night of dreams coming true was all I was ever going to get.
Why the hell did his life have to be so hard that he couldn't just accept that someone loved him and wanted to help him reach his goals?
I knew the answer to that.
I knew better than anyone how it felt to get things you didn't deserve. I knew how that ate away at one's confidence and belittled anything that felt like achievement.
And that was why I didn't ask my father to help Jesse.
I kept my mouth shut.
I should have just kept my mouth shut about his foot. If I had stayed ou
t of his business for just a little longer, maybe he would have gotten the job and been ready to take a chance on a relationship. Maybe he would have asked me out instead of kissing me out of guilt.
Too late.
I walked away without even getting to look him in the eye one last time.
My shift wasn't over, but my reason for being there was gone. I punched my time card one last time and knocked on Lisa's office door.
I told her I was sorry for what I was about to do, I knew I was leaving her in a bind, but it was for the best. Jesse needed the job and I didn't. There was no reason to make it anymore uncomfortable than it was. I just had to get out of there.
Lisa asked me what happened, but I wasn't ready to talk about it. I know she was only trying to help. The whole store thought Jesse and I were a love story happening right before their eyes and they were all looking forward to the happily ever after that just vanished without a trace.
My whole future just vanished. Everything I been dreaming about since the day I met him was gone; lying beside the fire, our wedding, the children I could almost see when I looked into his brown eyes. They were all gone now.
All I could do was go sing in my show and hope that I was good enough, just me, without my mother's influence or any financial incentives, to make an impression that might get me to Broadway.
That was the only part of my future that was left.
But I sat in my car and cried for all that was lost.
Then I called my father and told him how I ruined Jesse's life.
CHAPTER 14 - JESSE:
"So, do you want to tell me what just happened?" Lisa asked.
I'd thrown myself into the work so I could avoid thinking about how badly I screwed up the interview. And sadly that was the least troubling thought I was trying to avoid, because thinking about moving and how I just let Jade walk away crying again were things that were way too painful to face.
Lisa's question startled me.
"What are you talking about?"
"Jade just quit and walked out."
"No!" I exclaimed.
"Yes, she did."
Words I don't ever use were right on the tip of my tongue. I tipped my head back and ran my hands up through my hair. "Damn it. It wasn't her fault."
"What wasn't her fault?"
"I was not prepared for the interview today. I should have done my homework better. If I had, I would have known her father was one of the partners. I froze when I met him. It was pretty bad."
"Whoa. She didn't tell you that you were interviewing with her father's firm?"
"No. I mean, I only found out who her parents are this week, I didn't think to ask..."
"Seriously?" Lisa laughed.
"What?"
"You didn't know her mother was the Lieutenant Governor?"
"No."
"What did you think was going on back in the fall when the security detail was posted in the cafe? I'm pretty sure they did background checks on everyone who works here. Jade was really put out about them following her around all week."
"I didn't know it was about Jade. I guess I thought we were just having a shoplifting problem."
"It was a terrorist threat, Jesse! They didn't even want her working in the store but she did anyway. It was a challenge for me, but I couldn't say no to her. They wanted to keep her locked up in her apartment the whole time. The poor thing just wanted to act like a normal person and all those guards got everyone whispering about her."
"She didn't tell me."
"What the heck did the two of you talk about all those times you took breaks together?"
"Obviously nothing that mattered."
"Jesse, it's not my business, but the two of you had something. I think you should talk to her."
"I will. I'm sorry she walked out if you need me to help cover, I will do whatever needs to be done."
Jade.
That beautiful girl who worked behind the coffee counter could have anything she wanted, only what she wanted was a nothing, a nobody, who kept her at arms length when he knew he was supposed to hold on and he managed to hurt her every time he opened his stupid mouth.
I didn't want to be him anymore.
I accepted a miracle once. I could have walked away from Ani that first day, but no, I needed to see her again. And the same thing was happening here with Jade. I could have stayed away from her place, but I needed to feel her in my arms.
Maybe miracles only worked if you embraced them, if you believed in their magic.
I was pushing Jade away because the pieces hadn't fallen into place yet and I didn't want her to have to suffer through my poverty. I was waiting to be able to have something to share, but maybe it wasn't going to work that way. If she was my future, maybe my future couldn't start without her.
Maybe it was already too late. She was not going to forgive me this time.
I hurt her badly enough that she walked out of my life.
And I still had no idea what the song in my head meant.
CHAPTER 15 - JESSE:
I called her right after Lisa left the stockroom.
I got her voicemail.
I called her again an hour later.
She didn't answer. I left a message, but it was just not possible to apologize in anyway that was appropriately heartfelt when talking to a machine. I tried twice more before my shift ended but I still got nothing.
My stomach was in knots. I was actually going to have to face the fact that the woman I loved was done with me.
I punched out and walked to her building. I stopped at the stand on the corner and bought a Snapple Tea. The raspberry was her favorite. I don't know why I knew such a ridiculously insignificant detail about her when I hadn't even known about the drama she lived through in the fall. But I went to her building to see if I could have that chance to look her in the eyes that I rejected earlier in the day and give her this one small thing that she liked.
The doorman rang her but there was no answer. He even checked the camera in the garage for me and I felt just slightly better knowing she was not simply ignoring the door, but then the nasty voice in my head was wondering if there was someone else she would go to for comfort.
Sixteen months of shunning her blossomed into a five day relationship that literally did start off on a bad foot, with two nights of pure comfort, two people who were suddenly happy and one dream that came true.
And now there was nothing.
I cradled the bottle of tea in my arm like I was protecting it from evil.
Being able to give it to her became my mission.
But I walked home wondering if this new mission would just be another failure.
* * *
My apartment was blessedly empty. It was only nine-thirty but the day had aged me at least a year.
I kicked my sneaker off and put the tea in the refrigerator with a boldly printed warning that it should not be touched. Then I sunk into the run down sofa and let the emptiness inside me meet the emptiness all around me.
I was alone.
But not for long.
The knock on my door made me jump from my seat. Luckily I'd been too lethargic to take the boot off my foot or the violence of my reaction would have probably damaged it again. But my heart leapt into my throat at the sound thinking it might be Jade.
The immediate disappointment was squashed by surprise.
Matthew Hartzog was standing at my door.
He was dressed casually, but my greeting was still very stiff, formal. I had no idea what to say to him.
"Can I buy you a beer and talk for a little while?" he asked.
I stood there stupidly for a moment, and then I nodded. "Come in, please. Let me get my shoe on." He looked around the apartment, which thankfully my roommates had left fairly tidy. Neither of us said anything as I slipped my old sneaker on my good foot and grabbed my keys.
"So, what happened to your foot?" he asked as
we left my building.
"A co-worker got a little sloppy and dropped a box of books off the truck. The break was pretty clean."
"When did that happen? You weren't wearing that boot in your interview."
"A little more than a week ago. The boot was really not the impression I wanted to make at my interview, Mr. Hartzog. In retrospect, it couldn't have made things any worse in that interview."
"Wasn't your foot killing you?" he asked.
"I had other things on my mind at the time, Sir."
He laughed a little. It was a friendly laugh. He walked slowly, most likely for my benefit and we ducked into a bar that was too nice for a guy like me. We got seats and he immediately ordered two drafts of something I didn't recognize, but I hadn't had a beer since the cheep cans Billy Thompson had at the graduation party his parent threw when we finished High School.
"So I guess Jade called you," I started as I dropped my eyes and ran my finger through the condensation on the glass.
"She did."
"She hasn't answered any of my calls. She must hate me. I don't blame her. I'm an idiot. I manage to say the wrong thing every time I open my mouth."
"She won't answer your calls tonight, she's at a benefit for her show. It opens tomorrow, you know. You should go see it. She's very talented and I'm not just saying that because I'm her father, even if that's what she believes."
"I don't think she'll want me there."
"She doesn't hate you, Jesse. She's in love with you. I have never seen this side of Bianca, Jade," he corrected himself.
"She can do better."
"Maybe. I'm not so sure about that. I do know that you could do a lot worse. You want to know what she told me today?"
I nodded.
He picked up his beer, took a long drink and smiled at me. "She said she was afraid she ruined your life."
"What? Why would she think that?"
"She's afraid you're going to turn down the job that Ron is going to offer you because you think she got you the offer. She's convinced that if she'd just left you alone and not pursued you that you would have gotten the job and been happy. She said she wished she could just go back and keep her mouth shut and let you have the future you worked so hard for."