JAKE
How much time do I get?
LIZA
For that much? As long as you can last big boy.
LIZA goes to grab the money, but JAKE pulls back.
JAKE
How much for half?
LIZA
What? What’s the matter, afraid you’ll finish too fast?
JAKE
Hell no! I’m just not too sure if what I’ll get is worth this much.
LIZA
Jake, you can use only one of those bills to get off on some college sorority sister, or you can spend it on me and experience how a real woman makes a grown man scream.
Beat.
JAKE
What if I make you scream?
LIZA
Hah!
JAKE
If I make you scream first, then what kind of discount do I get?
LIZA laughs.
LIZA
Trust me, you don’t have anything I haven’t seen before. But…if you make me scream first…then we’ll talk about it after.
JAKE
Not too much talking. I’m no Robert.
LIZA is reminded of HER special kiss with ROBERT.
JAKE (CONT.)
That a bad thing?
LIZA
We’ll be alone tonight, right?
JAKE
Yeah. Robert’s away on some art showing. He won’t be back till tomorrow.
LIZA
Do you…
JAKE
Do I what?
LIZA
Do you think this is a good idea? If Robert finds out about this-
JAKE
-What does he have to do with this?
LIZA
Nothing, but if he finds out, what do you think he’ll do?
JAKE
I don’t know. I guess he’d take it badly, though I don’t understand why you should care.
LIZA
Hey, I care.
JAKE
You know, I can spend this money on a whole lot of other things than you. You want to leave?
LIZA
I didn’t say that!
JAKE
Then what’s your problem?
LIZA
…nothing.
LIZA grabs the money.
LIZA (CONT.)
Let’s go.
LIZA waits at the bedroom door.
Beat.
JAKE
Wait.
LIZA stops.
JAKE (CONT.)
If…I can’t believe I’m doing this. If you think this is a bad idea, then I won’t do it. I just wanted to see what was the big deal about you. Robert thinks you’re so damn special, and I admit there’s something about you I like, but I don’t want to screw him up even more by screwing you.
JAKE holds out HIS hand.
JAKE (CONT.)
So…give me my money back.
LIZA looks at JAKE and HE waits for the money. LIZA holds JAKE’s hand.
LIZA
Come on.
JAKE
You sure?
LIZA
We have to see who screams first, right? My reputation and your manhood are on the line.
JAKE
Cool. Good. I’ll be right there. Go ahead and make yourself comfortable.
LIZA
…okay?
LIZA goes into the bedroom. JAKE kicks off HIS shoes, unbuttons the shirt, takes off the belt, and starts to stretch. LIZA comes back in wearing a little less clothing than before.
LIZA
What the hell are you doing?
JAKE
You should warm up too. You’re going to regret the day you challenged me.
LIZA laughs.
LIZA
Get in here, stupid.
JAKE
Just don’t blame me when you pull something...
JAKE and LIZA go into the bedroom.
JAKE (CONT.)
…or when I pull it for you.
JAKE closes the bedroom door.
END ACT I, SCENE IX
ACT BREAK
ACT II, SCENE I
ROBERT’s apartment. JAKE and LIZA’s voices can be heard offstage indiscernibly at first, but THEY eventually walk up right to the door.
JAKE (OS)
Come on, give me the discount. You did scream first.
LIZA (OS)
I moaned first. I didn’t scream.
JAKE (OS)
Moaning, screaming, what’s the difference?
LIZA (OS)
Could you shut up? What if he hears you?
JAKE and LIZA open the door and enter.
LIZA (CONT.)
Rorbert? (To JAKE) Is Robert here?
JAKE
I don’t know. Is he?
LIZA
I don’t live here.
JAKE
Let me check.
JAKE yells.
JAKE
Robert, you in here?
Beat.
JAKE (CONT.)
Guess not. He should have been back by now. It’s the afternoon, right?
LIZA
Damn. That’s why I came over here. I wanted to talk to him some more.
JAKE
Talk. I thought you were a business woman.
LIZA
He pays me for it.
JAKE
What do you say to him?
LIZA
Whatever he wants.
JAKE
Okay, then what does he want?
LIZA
Why do you care? I thought you said you didn’t want any talking.
JAKE
Call me crazy, but I don’t like the idea of a hooker stealing my buddy’s money.
LIZA
He gets what he pays for!
JAKE
What, your life story?
LIZA
If that’s all he wants, then that’s his business.
JAKE
Two hundred dollars for talking? No wonder you’re charging me double.
LIZA
I will beat you to death. Don’t think I can’t do it!
JAKE
How much does that cost?
LIZA
Free of charge.
JAKE
Thank you.
Beat.
JAKE (CONT.)
Does Robert ever talk back?
LIZA
Yes.
JAKE
What does he say?
LIZA
Not much.
JAKE
I guess you do all the talking, huh?
LIZA
I give him what he wants.
JAKE
Like the time you grabbed him? Did he ask for that?
LIZA
No. I did that.
JAKE
Messed him up pretty good.
LIZA
I said I was sorry.
JAKE
You sure saying “sorry” is enough?
LIZA
We’re over it.
JAKE
That’s good. Robert’s a pretty smart guy, but he’s sensitive. I try to help him, but there’s only so much I can do. Now, if you’re helping him get over his woman-problems, that’s good too. But if you’re just stealing his money, then you need to stop coming over.
LIZA
You’re going to keep me away?
JAKE
If I have to.
LIZA
And what if I tell Robert about last night?
JAKE
That’ll…suck…real bad. But if he doesn’t kick me out for it, I’m still not letting you come back.
LIZA
You can’t stop me.
JAKE
You’re tough, but you’re not tougher than me.
LIZA
You even think about touching me, and I’ll call my manager. He’s a seven foot tall asskicker, and he’ll happily tear you a new one if I ask him.
JAKE<
br />
Oh yeah?
LIZA
Yeah.
JAKE
I guess you can tell him where I live.
LIZA
I mean it.
JAKE
I know.
Beat.
LIZA
You’d do that for Robert?
JAKE
If I have to. I’d hate to kick you out of my… well, his life, but I’ll do what I have to do.
LIZA
You said your life.
JAKE
No I didn’t.
LIZA
Yes you did. Don’t call me a liar. I heard it.
JAKE
You did?
LIZA
Yes.
JAKE
Hmm. Then I guess I said that.
ROBERT enters with a plastic bag with a few painting supplies. JAKE and LIZA spontaneously move away from each other.
JAKE
What’s up, Robert?
ROBERT puts the bag down by the easel.
ROBERT
Hey, Jake. Liza, I thought we we’re going to meet tomorrow.
LIZA
Yeah, well I have business to take care of, and I need us to do our thing tonight. That okay?
ROBERT
Sure. I’m fine with that.
ROBERT and LIZA both look at JAKE.
JAKE
I can leave if you need me to.
ROBERT
No, you don’t have to.
JAKE
You sure?
LIZA
Really?
Beat.
ROBERT
(To JAKE) Maybe you can give us a topic to start on.
JAKE
Okay. Liza.
LIZA
What?
JAKE
What…bars…do you hang out at?
JAKE opens up the refrigerator and gets a small carton of milk out.
LIZA
I’d have to say Cloud Ninety-Nine. Not that all my clients take me there, but I hang out there to get new customers.
JAKE gets a box of cereal, a bowl, and pours the cereal in it.
ROBERT
How do you do that?
LIZA
I—
JAKE
--I already know this one. She picks out the richest, nerdiest fellow in the bar, acts like he’s the center of her universe, they go back to his place, and then she asks for the money while the guy has his pants around his legs. Am I right?
LIZA
Yeah.
JAKE
I knew it!
JAKE pours the milk into the bowl and then puts it back into the fridge.
ROBERT
Really?
LIZA
It works like almost every time.
JAKE gets a spoon and starts eating.
JAKE
I tell you, I’d be suspicious of any woman hitting on me if I was ugly.
LIZA
Who says you aren’t?
JAKE
Woman, please.
ROBERT
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You can’t be good-looking to every woman in the world.
JAKE
You too? You’re doubling up on me?
ROBERT
Liza?
LIZA
Hmm?
ROBERT
How attractive is Jake to you?
JAKE
Don’t ask her that. She said I was ugly.
LIZA
I don’t know. Let me see.
LIZA walks around JAKE and examines HIS body. JAKE continues to eat cereal while flexing for HER.
LIZA (CONT.)
I’d say…
JAKE
On a ten-to-one scale.
LIZA
In that case, I’d say an eight.
JAKE
An eight?!
LIZA
You could be a nine.
JAKE
What’s holding me back?
ROBERT
Your wardrobe?
JAKE and LIZA look at ROBERT.
JAKE
No, you just didn’t.
ROBERT
I think I just did.
LIZA
Yeah, what are you going to do about it?
JAKE puts down the bowl.
JAKE
This.
JAKE takes the spoon, licks the milk off, and holds it like a knife.
ROBERT
What are you doing?
JAKE
Payback!
JAKE corners ROBERT with the threat of touching ROBERT with the licked-on spoon. ROBERT is not actually afraid this time, but more entertained.
ROBERT
Jake, don’t do it!
JAKE
Sorry. Going to have to.
ROBERT
Liza!
LIZA runs over and digs her nails into JAKE’s butt. JAKE jumps.
JAKE
Jesus, woman!
LIZA
Look at that. I didn’t even break a nail.
JAKE quickly grabs LIZA and puts HER over HIS shoulder.
LIZA (CONT.)
What the hell are you doing?!
JAKE
Taking out his defenses. Come here, Robert!
JAKE runs after ROBERT with the spoon, who easily can escape the man carefully holding a woman over a shoulder.
LIZA
Save me, Robert!
ROBERT
I think it would be better for me to save myself first!
ROBERT opens the refrigerator and grabs a ketchup bottle. HE opens it and prepares to fire.
ROBERT
Surrender!
JAKE stops.
JAKE
You wouldn’t dare.
ROBERT takes aim.
ROBERT
Surrender.
LIZA
Jake, do it! I don’t want stains on this dress.
JAKE
Alright, alright.
JAKE puts down the spoon, and then LIZA. SHE moves out of the line of fire.
JAKE (CONT.)
I give up.
ROBERT
Admit that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
JAKE
What?
ROBERT
Admit it!
JAKE
Okay! I admit it.
ROBERT
Okay.
ROBERT puts the bottle back into the refrigerator. THEY all laugh and take a breath.
JAKE
Liza, can you take your nails out please?
LIZA
I already let go.
JAKE
I know, but I still feel them.
Beat.
JAKE (CONT.)
I’ll let you two have your time together.
ROBERT
You sure?
JAKE
I can’t handle your guys’ version of talking.
JAKE goes to the door.
JAKE (CONT.)
Later.
JAKE exits.
ROBERT
How hard did you grab him?
LIZA
Hard enough. He really is made of muscle.
ROBERT
I guess.
LIZA
I’ll remember that for next time.
LIZA immediately senses that SHE said the wrong thing. ROBERT is a little put off by that remark, but HE lets it slide.
END ACT II, SCENE I
ACT II, SCENE II
There is no one in ROBERT’s apartment, and it is completely dark.
SFX: the door handle is turned
JAKE (OS)
Locked.
SFX: keys being turned.
JAKE opens the door.
JAKE (OS)
There we go.
JAKE enters and turns on the light switch, but nothing happens. HE walks in and trips over a chair.
JAKE
Son of a…
LIZA (OS)
What happened?
LIZA enters.
LIZA (CONT.)
Why didn’t you turn on the light?
JAKE gets up.
JAKE
It’s a dimmer. It is on.
LIZA turns the lights on by adjusting the dimmer.
JAKE (CONT.)
See. I was right.
LIZA
Yeah, you’re such an Einstein.
JAKE
Who?
LIZA
Never mind. Go get my money.
JAKE
I’m going.
JAKE goes into the bedroom. LIZA looks through ROBERT’s picture book until JAKE returns with some money in hand.
JAKE (CONT.)
There you are. Double the bail like I promised.
LIZA puts the book down and counts the money.
JAKE (CONT.)
You don’t trust me?
LIZA
Trust the man I just bailed out of jail?