Read No Touching Page 7


  JAKE

  I didn’t rob a bank or anything. I punched a guy who swung at me first.

  LIZA

  Was he drunk too?

  JAKE

  Well, he didn’t land the hit. And who says I’m drunk?

  LIZA

  It’s all here. You going to be okay?

  JAKE

  My buzz is long gone. After sitting next to a three-hundred pound guy with the tattoo “I (heart) Jeffrey”, I sobered up in a hurry.

  LIZA

  Okay.

  JAKE

  Hey, thanks for helping me. I would have called on one of my buddies, but they were sharing the jail cell next to mine. You know how it is; one guy gets in a fight, so does everyone else.

  LIZA

  Money’s money.

  JAKE

  But you didn’t know if I had it or not.

  LIZA

  If you stiffed me, I knew Robert would cover you.

  JAKE

  Probably.

  LIZA

  Why didn’t you call him?

  JAKE

  He’s on some art show. Never answers his phone when he’s on a trip.

  LIZA

  Alright. Goodbye.

  LIZA starts to walk to the door, but JAKE moves in HER way.

  JAKE

  Woah. I feel a little guilty about ruining your Saturday night. Let me make it up to you.

  LIZA

  Jake, Saturday is a big working night for us escorts, if you didn’t get that already.

  JAKE

  You lose a client because of me?

  LIZA

  One.

  JAKE

  Then I owe you.

  LIZA

  How about you stop arguing if I moaned or screamed last week?

  JAKE

  You screamed, and no. I’m going to win that argument sooner or later.

  LIZA

  Whatever. How are you going to pay me back then?

  JAKE

  I…don’t know. Need me to move furniture around or something?

  JAKE tries to think of something. LIZA gets tired of it and walks over to the refrigerator. SHE opens it and takes out a beer.

  LIZA

  This yours?

  JAKE

  Woah! And yes, those are mine, but I don’t think you want it.

  LIZA

  Why not?

  JAKE

  The only women allowed to drink my beers earn the right in that bedroom back there.

  LIZA

  I think I earned it already. Besides, bailing you out of jail isn’t enough?

  JAKE

  I guess it’s worth one.

  LIZA opens the beer and drinks half the bottle.

  JAKE

  Damn woman!

  LIZA

  I have to go back to work.

  JAKE

  You going to down the rest?

  LIZA holds HER chest and feels the indigestion.

  LIZA

  How cheap is this?

  JAKE

  Hey, that’s the best tasting beer under five dollars I’ve ever found.

  LIZA

  How many do you get for five?

  JAKE

  Enough.

  LIZA takes another sip.

  LIZA

  Thanks.

  LIZA walks to the door.

  JAKE

  You’d better finish that here. Don’t want to get pinched for public intoxication.

  LIZA

  It’s one beer.

  JAKE

  That’s all I had.

  LIZA

  Really?

  JAKE

  In that last half-hour before the cops came.

  LIZA laughs.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  If you stay, you’ll get to hang out with me more.

  LIZA

  I think I’ve had enough.

  JAKE

  You’ve seen the ‘party guy’ me. I can be other people.

  LIZA

  Like what?

  JAKE

  ‘Romantic guy’.

  LIZA

  You can be romantic?

  JAKE

  Sure!

  LIZA

  Prove it.

  JAKE

  Okay. Sit back and let me ‘wine and dine’ you.

  JAKE messes with the lights.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  How the hell does this work?

  The lights dim.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  There we go. Here, give me that.

  JAKE takes HER beer, gets one for HIMSELF, and goes to the kitchen-area. HE gets two plastic wine glasses and pours the beers into them. HE hands a glass to LIZA.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  Here you are.

  LIZA

  This isn’t wine, and I don’t see the dine.

  JAKE

  Hmm.

  JAKE looks in the refrigerator.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  Other than stuff with soy, the only thing I got is bread aaaaaaaand—

  LIZA

  --butter?

  JAKE

  Yeah. Want some?

  LIZA

  …sure.

  JAKE prepares the bread and butter and LIZA downs the rest of her beer.

  LIZA

  Is this part of the genuine ‘Jake Experience’ the other girls get?

  JAKE

  You know it. Feeling all tingly yet?

  LIZA

  My tongue is.

  HE brings the bread to HER, and notices SHE drank HER beer.

  JAKE

  How you going to wash it down?

  LIZA exchanges glasses.

  JAKE

  Two beers? No woman’s ever dared to cash out on that tab.

  LIZA

  Well…here’s to me being the first.

  LIZA touches HER filled glass against JAKE’s empty one. THEY drink.

  JAKE

  I’m serious about the two beers thing.

  LIZA

  I know.

  JAKE

  You do? Then you know what you’re in for, right?

  LIZA

  You going to yell and hold up your arms like you scored a touchdown this time?

  JAKE

  Hey, I did that, because I won the bet.

  LIZA

  You didn’t win the bet.

  JAKE

  That’s undecided for now.

  LIZA puts down the glass.

  LIZA

  What about Robert?

  JAKE

  I told you he’s gone for the night. He went…I wasn’t really paying attention, but he’ll be gone till tomorrow.

  LIZA

  It’s just…I don’t want him to see us together.

  JAKE

  I know. I’ll wake you up in the morning. I’ll wake you up the good way if you earn it.

  LIZA

  You won’t be able to after I suck you dry tonight.

  JAKE

  Then let’s get to it.

  LIZA puts her sash around JAKE’s neck and pulls HIM into the bedroom.

  END ACT II, SCENE II

  ACT II, SCENE III

  ROBERT, dressed in a suit, comes back tired and relieved to be in HIS home again. HE gets some sanitizer out of the bottle and relaxes.

  JAKE walks in from the bedroom wearing boxers and a t-shirt. ROBERT’s entry has wakened JAKE from a deep sleep.

  JAKE

  You look nice. Where’s the party, Mr. Tux?

  ROBERT

  I had to present my paintings to a large crowd of fans last night in San Francisco. Thank god it’s over. I didn’t get to sleep at all. “What does this mean to you?” “How long did it take to finish?” “Does the person in this painting actually exist?” By the time it was over, the other artists decided to take me out to breakfast as a ‘thank you’ for bringing my fame to their art show. I never knew artists could be so boring.

  JAKE

  Sounds tough, but pretty soon you
’ll have to answer that last question about the people you paint, because soon enough it’ll be me on the wall.

  ROBERT

  I know. We’ll get started tomorrow. Were you sleeping?

  JAKE

  I was sleeping.

  ROBERT

  Till 3pm?

  JAKE

  A drunk sleep.

  ROBERT

  Oh. Did you go out?

  JAKE

  A drunk sex sleep.

  ROBERT

  Was she nice?

  JAKE

  Actually…

  JAKE realizes ROBERT’s sudden interest on the matter.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  …not even close. I’ve had better. You meet anyone last night?

  ROBERT

  No. I don’t think I would anyway. However, I think I want to see Liza more.

  JAKE

  Why?

  JAKE pours an opened beer into a glass, finds an asprin in the drawer, and puts it in.

  ROBERT

  I think something is developing between us.

  JAKE

  Cool. Cool. I think you’re in over your head though.

  ROBERT

  What do you mean?

  JAKE

  Do you really want the first woman you have feelings for to be a hooker?

  ROBERT

  An escort.

  JAKE

  Tomato, Tomahto. She’s too experienced for you.

  ROBERT

  I don’t mind.

  JAKE

  You will if you ever get in the sack with her. A woman like that doesn’t feel anything unless it’s rough, and I’m afraid you’ll get hurt.

  ROBERT

  You think that’s true?

  JAKE

  Well…I don’t really know. Don’t worry about it. She’ll get bored with you soon, since you two aren’t doing it.

  ROBERT

  I don’t know if that’s completely true.

  Beat.

  JAKE

  You slept with her?

  ROBERT

  No.

  JAKE

  Good.

  JAKE refills the glass.

  ROBERT

  We kissed.

  JAKE

  I already know about that.

  ROBERT

  No, I kissed her.

  JAKE sets the glass down.

  JAKE

  You did?

  ROBERT

  Yes. I wanted it so much, and I finally gave in.

  JAKE

  How long ago was this?

  ROBERT

  A while ago.

  JAKE

  …Way to go, man! Right on.

  ROBERT

  It felt so good too. It was like a weight was lifted off me, and I could finally experience what everyone had been talking about.

  JAKE

  Get you hot?

  ROBERT

  Yeah, I was a little warm, but I felt okay.

  JAKE

  No…I mean did she turn you on.

  ROBERT

  I didn’t think of it that way. It was special.

  JAKE

  You take things way too seriously.

  ROBERT

  I’m going to see if she’ll go to a restaurant with me tomorrow night.

  JAKE

  You mean…out in public?

  ROBERT

  Yes.

  JAKE

  That’s a date, Robert. You know that’s a date, right? Even if you have to pay for her to go.

  ROBERT

  I’m okay with that. When I’m with her, I feel comfortable with myself. I haven’t felt that way since…well, in a very long time. I like feeling this way. I like being with her.

  JAKE paces around the room.

  ROBERT (CONT.)

  What’s the matter?

  JAKE

  You shouldn’t hang out with Liza anymore.

  ROBERT

  I plan to.

  JAKE

  But she’s a hooker!

  ROBERT

  Yes, I called her number on the flier, just like you told me to.

  JAKE

  Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d fall for her. I should have known that was a stupid idea.

  ROBERT

  I like her.

  JAKE

  No you don’t.

  ROBERT

  Yes, I do.

  JAKE

  No, you don’t! You think you do, because she pays you attention. Any woman would do that for the right price.

  ROBERT

  She hasn’t charged me the last two times she was here.

  JAKE

  What?

  ROBERT shakes his head.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  But you started out paying her. She probably feels guilty for stealing your money.

  ROBERT

  …possibly.

  JAKE rubs ROBERT’s back, who doesn’t jump away this time.

  JAKE

  Hey, heyyyyy. Don’t feel bad. This is my fault, and I’ll make it better. You come with me to a barhopping, and I’ll show you all the tricks of the trade I know.

  ROBERT

  I don’t think I can do that.

  JAKE

  I promise not to take home a woman unless you do. That way, you’re not left out in the cold.

  ROBERT

  But—

  JAKE

  --In fact, we won’t even pick up women tonight. Think of it. You and me in a bar having a good old time. Hell, I’ll even dance with you if I get drunk enough. What do you say?

  Beat.

  ROBERT

  Okay.

  JAKE

  You sure?

  ROBERT

  Yes. I’d love to spend tonight with you.

  JAKE

  Awesome. Let me get dressed and we’ll head out right now.

  ROBERT

  I’ll change too.

  JAKE

  Why? This is the best dressed I’ve ever seen you. You’re looking good.

  JAKE goes into the bedroom. ROBERT tries to calm down, but the excitement of going to bars with JAKE and no women is too much. JAKE enters with a nice shirt on and pants in HIS hand.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  Man, we’re going to tear this city up!

  JAKE feels something in his pants and pulls it out. It’s LIZA’s sash that SHE always wears. JAKE smiles as HE remembers how it got there. ROBERT sees it, and JAKE covertly tries to put it in a pocket.

  ROBERT

  That’s Liza’s.

  JAKE

  Nah, you’re dreaming.

  ROBERT

  That’s Liza’s.

  JAKE

  Whatever, let’s go.

  JAKE walks past ROBERT, but ROBERT pulls the sash out of JAKE’s pocket.

  JAKE

  What the hell-

  ROBERT

  -This is Liza’s! How do you have it?

  JAKE

  She…must have left it here from last time.

  ROBERT

  That excuse would have worked if I didn’t just pull this out of your pants, Jake.

  JAKE

  This place is messy. I don’t know how it got there.

  ROBERT looks back in the bedroom.

  ROBERT

  She was here last night, wasn’t she?

  JAKE

  Robert—

  ROBERT

  --Stop lying!

  JAKE

  Alright, fine! Yeah, she was here earlier, and we screwed until the bed fell apart. There, you happy?

  ROBERT drops the sash.

  ROBERT

  Why?

  JAKE

  She’s a hooker.

  ROBERT

  Why her?

  JAKE

  It was the right asking price.

  ROBERT

  Why her? Why here, and why her, and why you?

  JAKE

  Because…I’m into her. She’s hot, she’s sassy, and knows how to piss
me off in all the right ways.

  ROBERT

  But why her? You know I wanted her.

  JAKE

  No one owns a woman like that. They sell sex by the pound, wash up, and then go back on the street for more.

  ROBERT

  Shut up.

  JAKE

  It’s not like she wasn’t screwing with five other guys a day. Why is it a problem that I had my ride too?

  ROBERT

  Shut up!

  JAKE

  You need to start realizing how the world works.

  ROBERT grabs JAKE’s shoulders.

  ROBERT

  I said shut up.

  JAKE

  What are you going to do about it?

  ROBERT

  I’ll…

  JAKE

  …what, Robert? You’ll do what? I want to know exactly what you’re going-

  ROBERT pulls JAKE in and kisses him. JAKE takes a moment before HE pulls away.

  Beat.

  JAKE rubs HIS lips, looks at ROBERT,

  JAKE

  You kissed me.

  ROBERT

  I know.

  JAKE

  Why?