“Why not anymore?”
The fact that she’d even ask that pissed him off a little. “Because it doesn’t feel right anymore.”
“But it did the day after Thanksgiving?”
God, he could kill Hector. “That wasn’t planned, Roni. Actually nothing with her ever was. For the last few years me and her—”
“Years?”
Shit! She nudged away from him but he refused to let her out of his hold. “Yeah, but she only comes down a few times a year.”
She lifted her purse over her shoulder in a move to put some distance between them. “So you just sleep with her no strings attached? That’s the extent of your relationship?”
“It used to be. Not anymore. And yes that was the extent of it.”
Roni’s eyes bounced around obviously not wanting to make contact with his any longer. She shivered now that his body wasn’t keeping her warm. “But she’s Gio’s cousin; you never talk to her or stay in touch when she’s gone?”
“Let’s get you inside, Roni,” he said reaching for her hand. “It’s freezing out here.”
They started toward the back door of her house. “You know what, never mind,” she said as they reached her back door. “It’s none of my business anyway.”
“Yes it is,” Noah said feeling a little panicked about the sudden shift in mood.
“No it’s not. What you do in your personal life—”
“You are my personal life now.” Noah stepped in front of her. “I told you I’m in love with you and I meant it. I’ll go along with whatever you say—follow your rules. I’ll go as slow as you need me too, and if you wanna know about my personal life I’ll tell you whatever you wanna know.” He wanted to make this perfectly clear because he sure as hell wanted to know about hers. He couldn’t demand anything yet but he’d set the example right now. “Rita was convenient okay? That’s all she’s ever been. We never made any plans. She never even calls to tell me she’s in town. Like the day after Thanksgiving, I didn’t know she was going to be there.”
“Why wouldn’t you know? She’s here every holiday right?”
“But she usually leaves right away, so I was caught off guard and what happened that day…” He was saying too much and he knew it but her accusatory tone made him panic. “That’s not why I went to Gio’s if that’s what you’re implying but I will say in all fairness, back then I had no reason to even hope for anything between you and me. You made it seem so impossible. Things are different now. Everything changed after New Year’s. Shit, my feelings had changed weeks before that. That’s why I spent the entire holidays with you. But even the day after Thanksgiving, Roni. After I saw her there, I wasn’t shooting for anything to happen, I swear. But it just did.”
She shook her head and walked around the kitchen island setting her bag and keys down on the counter. “Boggles the mind,” she muttered.
“What does?” he asked, following her like a puppy dog.
“How something like that just happens. What did she do just suddenly hop on your lap?”
Noah nearly choked at how closely her explanation came to the truth. She turned to face him when he didn’t respond then rolled her eyes in disgust. “Ugh!”
“The point is, even she gets it now. That was the last time for me and her. That’s one of the best things about her. I’ve never had to worry about her being clingy or wanting more.”
There was a sharp change in the way she stared at him and he knew that last statement might cost him. “Is that what you worry about, Noah? Clingy girls wanting more?”
“Only the ones I don’t have feelings for.” He took a step closer to her. “I’m not looking to hurt anyone. And I didn’t have to worry about that with her. That’s all I meant.”
To his relief her expression softened a bit. “And you only ever got together with her on the holidays?”
A smile nearly escaped but he kept it stifled and nodded instead. This was exactly what he wanted. For her to ask questions—set the playing field.
Her expression was now curious and she crossed her arms in front of her. “So you mean to tell me, that in all the years you two have been doing this, outside of the times she showed up for your holiday trysts you two never stayed in touch any other way? No phones calls, emailing, ever?”
“Nope.” The haughty tone was still there especially when referring to the holiday trysts but he nodded again feeling slightly better knowing this conversation could’ve gone a lot worse. “None at all.”
Her curious stare was now tinged with suspicion but the slight smugness of her curved lips gave him hope there would be a lift to the tension that so quickly engulfed the room and had begun to suffocate him. “Really? So since Thanksgiving, aside from the times you saw her at your work Christmas dinner and Christmas Eve you haven’t heard from her at all?”
He wished to hell she hadn’t been watching him so closely because she obviously picked up on the fact that he was suddenly scrambling for the perfect response. The curve of her lips was gone and there was a trace of fear in her eyes for just an instant before she looked away. “Just once and again it wasn’t planned.”
Roni’s face literally jerked back in his direction. Her expression was hard now. “What wasn’t planned?”
“Seeing her.”
“When?” As strange as it felt to hear Roni’s venomous demand he welcomed it. He wanted her to demand things—know that she had every right to know and leave the door wide open for him to do the same to her.
“New Year’s Day.” The second he said it he realized what she was thinking. He’d been so fucking caught up in and loving the fact that she was behaving like a jealous girlfriend—something that seemed so farfetched until now he didn’t even think about how bad this sounded but her eyes said it all. She was more than disgusted; she was hurt. “Gio’s uncle is her dad,” he said, rushing to her but she held her arms out, visibly upset now.
“You saw her the day after…”
“She was there at his house the day I went to help Gio out. I had no idea she would be but nothing happened, Roni I swear to you.” Roni backed away refusing to make eye contact with him, something he’d noticed now she only did when she wasn’t in complete control of her emotions. “She was in the house the whole time cooking. We all went in and had lunch after working on the yard for hours, then I left.”
She shook her head and Noah wasn’t sure what to make of it. Was she saying she didn’t believe him? Then she spoke as she began to walk out of the kitchen.
“You don’t owe me any explanations.”
Like hell he didn’t. He rushed to her taking her by the arm and backed her into the counter before she could protest. “Yes I do,” he said cradling her face in his hands as he stared into those solemn eyes of hers. “I do.” He whispered again before kissing her softly. “She was there but nothing happened and that’s the last I’ve seen or heard of her okay? I’ll even tell you the next time I hear or see her again.”
She started to shake her head in protest. “You don’t have to.”
“Stop saying that. I want to.” Rita was the only fucking thing at this point that could cast any doubt in Roni’s head about them. He felt it. She’d finally started giving in to everything else and he’d be damned if he was going to let someone as insignificant as Rita ruin it all. “I want to and I’m going to.”
He finally saw a trace of that beautiful smile he loved so much. “Okay,” she whispered then took a deep breath. “I need a shower.”
What he saw in her face at that moment was the very thing he was feeling. Relief. This conversation—Rita—had been a looming subject that he knew would eventually have to be discussed and as uncomfortable as it had been he was glad it was over.
Proof of what he had suspected way back on the day he’d taken that ride with Rita when it felt wrong had been confirmed tonight. He and Roni had made a connection Thanksgiving. He wasn’t the only one who felt it because even though she hadn’t said it, the fact was it hurt h
er. It all made sense now. Gio and Abel hadn’t imagined it when they said she appeared upset the night Hector brought it up.
Noah hugged her remembering that night again and the fact that she’d cried. They weren’t even officially together yet and he’d already caused her pain. He hugged her even tighter hoping she could feel how sorry he felt. As much as he wanted to apologize he hated to even go there anymore.
She pulled away gently and smiled. “I’ll meet you in the hallway after I’m showered and ready to go to bed?”
That excitement he felt over that one sentence made him feel like a little kid in a toy store and he didn’t even care that he was so blatant it made her laugh. “I wouldn’t be able to sleep if you didn’t.”
His attempt to sneak in one more kiss failed when she snuck under his arm and she rushed away with a giggle. He watched as she walked away, taking in those high-heeled boots that had driven him crazy New Year’s Eve. For an instant he had a vision of seeing her in them—and nothing else. Patience was a virtue but damn if it wasn’t also a torment to even wait for their hallway meeting in a few long minutes.
~*~
A week after their Rita conversation Roni was feeling as indecisive as ever about moving things forward with Noah. His admission about how and why things had happened the day after Thanksgiving and the fact that he gave her the go-ahead to question him—that she was entitled to explanations about his personal life should’ve have been a deciding factor. But ironically something else about that conversation had made her more aware of how frightening it was to put herself out there like that.
The only times in her life that she could remember her heart feeling this incredibly vulnerable and ready to fall apart over a guy, had unbelievably both been because of him. First the night after his fight when she was forced to see him with a groupie, then later that same night when she found out about Rita. But hearing that he’d seen Rita the day after she’d finally given into her desire for him—the very day after he’d admitted to being in love with her, had such an instant crushing affect. It was something she’d never experienced before and it even though it turned out to be nothing she was now terrified of having to feel that way ever again.
She’d been so thankful that she’d insisted on getting to the bottom of his relationship with Rita because she now had even more reason to keep moving slowly but things had moved forward a bit. Nothing huge had happened but there were small significant changes. Like after dinner now when they sat and watched television she allowed for more snuggling.
And when he’d sneak in more nuzzling of her neck and ears as she cooked or even when they were in her darkroom when he claimed he wanted to learn how to develop photos she wasn’t so quick to put a stop to it. But it was always sweet and gentle. The only times things got heavy were their goodnight kisses but she’d manage to fight the urge to just pull him in her room and do what she really wanted to do to him.
As much as her hunger to give in completely was getting harder to fight with every day that passed, there was something else that was quick to stop her in her tracks. She’d already seen it even before New Year’s. She was becoming way too dependent on him. While he had his boxing, his training and his friends, she had so little going on aside from him. If it hadn’t been for Noah she would’ve had the most pathetic and lonely holidays of her life.
Before her mother got sick, she’d never been like this. She had plenty of friends and colleagues. Her photography was a huge part of her life. She even had a blog specifically for her photos and which had even started to make some money. It’d been literally years since she last updated her blog and even longer since she’d uploaded any new photographs.
The fact that Derek had walked away when she’d become too engrossed in the care of her mother to focus on anyone or anything was a huge reminder of a bad habit she’d always had. When there was something big going on in her life, she tended to obsess about it to the point of neglecting everything and everyone else in her life in the process. Sure her mother’s illness should’ve been an understandable exception, but it was still a perfect reminder of how she let one occurrence utterly control every other aspect of her life. She needed to learn how to balance everything now, before she made the same mistake again.
Of course, now everything was happening all at once. She’d gone back to work, she was reviving old friendships, old hobbies, and now Noah was a colossal distraction in the midst of all of it. She needed to get this right so moving slow was her only option.
Even Nellie who had disappeared on her for a few months was back and in no way demanding but they had made a pact to get together at least once a week. She was determined to be able to not only handle but enjoy even that small change in her life. Tonight was that night. They were getting together again for dinner.
Instead of going out Nellie had made dinner for them. Rick was out of town on business and they’d have the place to themselves. Since Veronica had hogged the conversation last week with her worries about Noah, she had every intention of letting Nellie do all the talking and spilling of her guts tonight.
It occurred to her halfway through dinner that maybe biting her tongue and holding back what she really wanted to say to her best friend was not such a good idea. Nellie always told her exactly what she thought. She never sugar coated anything for fear of hurting Veronica’s feelings and that’s how it should be. But this was different. Nellie was obviously hell bent on making her marriage work, how could Veronica tell her she hated Rick for doing what he’d done to her? That she’d never thought Rick deserved her even back when they were first started dating? He’d always seemed a little too full of himself. Like deep inside he knew quiet unassuming Nellie should just understand that she was dating out of her league, because he was a handsome, successful and outgoing radio sportscaster who obviously was never at a loss for words.
Nellie seemed to think it was funny and acted as if he was just being his witty self when Rick would openly flirt with Veronica and even Nellie’s sister Courtney. To Veronica it just felt creepy, but she didn’t protest since Nellie seemed to be so okay with it.
By the time they’d finished dinner, Veronica had heard enough about how Rick was really making an effort to make the relationship work. He should be. He’s the one that nearly screwed someone else and Veronica couldn’t understand how Nellie could just take his word that the one night he got caught was the only time he’d ever considered doing something like that. What an incredible coincidence and Nellie had this “everything happens for reason” mentality about it. The night at the hospital when Nellie told her about how the whole thing had unfolded Veronica had been so guilt ridden she hadn’t given it much thought.
Since then she’d had more time to think about it and the more she did the more she thought Nellie had just accepted Rick’s excuses much too easily. She knew Nellie had always been in love with him to the point of obsession and that Veronica saying anything against Rick might not go over well but she couldn’t help it. It was just a few months ago that this had all happened and already he was away on a business trip that sounded a little too suspicious to Veronica.
Tonight’s dinner had been more frustrating than enlightening unlike their last dinner. Nellie walked Veronica out and they stood at the top of the stairway just outside the door of Nellie’s town home. “Don’t walk me down, Nellie. I’m fine.” She turned to hug her friend. “I’ll see you again next week?”
“For sure,” Nellie squeezed her before pulling back and away. “Only we’ll go out somewhere again. Rick will be home next week.”
“Why is he in Tahoe again?”
“Celebrity golf championship.”
Veronica nodded. “Is he broadcasting?”
“No,” she said with that same smile she worn all through dinner when she spoke of all the progress he’d made these last few months. “It’s just for pleasure. He goes every year.”
“So how come you didn’t go with him?”
The smile lost some of its
shine. “I have work.”
“So you take a few days off. I mean, Nellie aren’t you the tiniest bit concerned about this?”
“Roni?” Just as Veronica suspected she would be, Nellie was put off by her questioning. “It’s an annual trip he he’s been taking for years. And I have to trust him.”
“Why?” Veronica didn’t mean for it to come out so exasperated but it was the stupidest thing she’d ever heard. The man had cheated on her just a few months ago.
“Because he’s my husband and at some point I have to–”
“At some point but it’s only been a few months.” Veronica knew she was pushing it now but even when Nellie had told her the same story Courtney did about how Courtney caught Rick with that woman at the hotel, Nellie’s version had been completely toned down. She hated to think her best friend was putting up with Rick’s lies for the sake of losing this bastard who didn’t even deserve her. “He has to understand that this year, things should be different. This year maybe he should’ve taken you.” Suddenly all of the solo trips Rick had taken in the past and Nellie so happily stayed behind became suspect. “Nellie, how do you know this was the first and only time Ricks done this?”
Nellie stood up straight. Her puckered lips nearly twitched. Veronica knew she had done it now. “Because he said it was and I believe him.”
“But—”
“Veronica, I’ve made my decision to try and work this out with Rick. If you had any idea what I’ve been through these last few months maybe then you’d understand why I have to at least try to incorporate some of the tools given to me in the counseling sessions and retreats we’ve taken. This is all part of regaining trust. I couldn’t live with myself if I thought I had to be there next to him every breathing moment.” She crossed her arms in front of her. “And for your information, he did ask me to come, even said I should look into catching a flight out there and meeting him.”