***
Scene Two: (an international airport, aeroplanes are heard taking off and landing)
Intercom: The 12.45 Austraflipflop flight from Sydney to Melbourne is now taking off on runway one. All passengers wishing to catch this flight please proceed to departure bay two and run! (a traveller loaded down with luggage dashes across the stage. Enter the Prime Minister with a speech in his hand. He looks around, there is no one present so he folds it into a paper plane and is about to launch it into flight when the Bishop enters. The Prime Minister quickly screws up the plane and puts it in his pocket)
Bishop: Hello Prime Minister McMuckraker.
Prime Minister: Hello Bishop Brimsbottom.
Bishop: I've been meaning to mention to you that during the last election I gave my congregation a sermon on the need for stable government.
Prime Minister: And I've been meaning to mention to you that my Government is about to announce a subsidy on a one for one basis for the erection of your new cathedral.
Bishop: You're here to meet the cattle?
Prime Minister: Yes, I'm here to meet the cattle.
Bishop: Cattle are the flavour of the month, the church had to have a high level representative here.
Prime Minister: The press are going to be here so I had to come along and get my picture taken shaking hands, kissing babies, announcing new nation building projects, tax cuts of course and meeting cattle. It's all part and parcel of a PM's day.
Bishop: The Church has to be with it these days, look at me I perform rock masses, eat muesli and jog. And jogging in a cassock is not easy and muesli gives me the trots.
Prime Minister: The honourable leader of the opposition accused me in the house of blatantly ignoring cattle. I'm here to prove the skinny little wart wrong.
(the press enter)
Judy: Mr Prime Minister have you anything to say on the eve of this great occasion when Australia's first two multi billionaire cattle tycoons are about to touch down at Sydney International Airport?
Reporter: Can I ask you a few questions Bishop Brimsbottom?
Bishop: The word of God is ever ready to go to print.
Judy: It's rumoured that Big Red is the richest bull in the world. Is the government taking any action to encourage him to invest in this country?
Prime Minister: We are looking at a tax avoidance, evasion, incentive, kick back, hand out, subsidised investment scheme.
Reporter: Isn't it about time the government stopped handing money to the rich?
Prime Minister: No comment.
Judy: How much money . . .
Prime Minister: No more questions.
Intercom: The 1.05 Austraflipflop flight from New York is about to crash on runway 13. All travellers wishing a good view of this spectacular event please proceed to loading bay nine.
(an aeroplane can be heard landing and there is the wail of sirens. Daisy Bell and Big Red enter)
Daisy Bell: I knew you shouldn't have taken over the controls. Honestly, you fly a plane like you were tossing cowboys.
Big Red: It wasn't bad for my first crash landing.
Bishop: Prime Minister.
Prime Minister: Yes.
Bishop: I just had a thought, how do we know what cattle look like?
Prime Minister: That's easy, they have horns, (he imitates two horns with his index fingers on his forehead) and they say 'moo'.
Daisy Bell: (to Red ) Are you sure we didn't land in Taronga Park Zoo?
Prime Minister: Perhaps you can get on to God and ask him to give us a sign.
Bishop: (on his knees) Oh wrathful Almighty, Bishop Brimsbottom here, just one question, what does a cow look like, amen?
Big Red: Excuse me could you tell me what a Prime Minister looks like?
Prime Minister: Generally shifty with closely set eyes and an ingratiating used car salesman type of smile, clammy hands, don't shake their hands and they say things like: 'welcome welcome, so lovely to meet you, I have been looking forward to our meeting for such a long time,' and then they turn to their aids and say 'Who the hell am I speaking to?'
Big Red: That sounds like you.
Prime Minister: Don't bother me, I'm a VIP waiting to welcome VIP's.
Big Red: This is Australia, I can tell by the friendliness of the natives.
Bishop: That's Big Red himself all one hundred billion dollars of him.
Prime Minister: Snakes alive, caught with me pants down.
(he takes out his screwed up paper plane, unscrews it and reads)
Prime Minister: Welcome to Australia Big Red.
Big Red: Beaut to be back.
Prime Minister: I feel privileged to be invited at this august gathering of noble souls to welcome the first cattle to arrive in this great city. I feel honoured to be privileged to be here on this day of days, this day of historic significance, this day of the most profound import, to welcome Big Red who, I may add at this point, is not a foreign celebrity but was born right here in Australia. It is, I may emphasise here, hard to believe Australia could produce a person of his quality.
Bishop: Welcome Big Red to Sydney on behalf of the Church of Australia. This is a great day for the Australia we know but you must remember under God's law everyone can be great, even an Australian.
Prime Minister: (to Red) About the tax avoidance, evasion, concession incentive, kick back, subsidised investment scheme I emailed you about.
Daisy Bell: (stepping forward) Pleased to meet you, I'm Daisy Bell.
Prime Minister: Congratulations Daisy Bell, behind every great man is a little woman.
Daisy Bell: In front of every great woman is a little man.
Reporter: Miss Bell and Mr Red, I would like to ask you a few questions for our readers.
Big Red: Fire away.
Reporter: What shade of lipstick do you use Daisy Bell?
Judy: Have you anything to say about the state of the economy Mr Red?
Daisy Bell: I think the government should create jobs, it would stimulate the private sector.
Big Red: I use 'Bastard' cologne and 'Bayonet' aftershave.
Judy: Mr Red, what are your ideas on paid maternity leave?
Prime Minister: No comment.
Reporter: Daisy Bell, who's your favourite film star?
Judy: Mr Red, what's your opinion on euthanasia?
Prime Minister: He has nothing to say.
Reporter: Daisy Bell, what's your favourite restaurant?
Judy: Mr Red, what have you to say about nuclear energy and of course global warming?
Prime Minister: He has nothing to say.
Reporter: Miss Daisy Bell, do you think short skirts will be in fashion this year?
Prime Minister: There will be no further questions. The Governor General will be holding a state dinner for our VIP visitors tonight, you may take photographs when they arrive. Come on Big Red and Daisy Bell, I have a car waiting. (all exit)