“We’re not sure exactly what it means,” I rushed on before Noah could scoff some more. While it wasn’t the rock-solid lead I would have liked, I knew in my gut this was something. “I think maybe he was meeting someone at the party. Possibly a source or something on Omega.”
“Do we know anything else about this Omega thing?” Cade glanced at Noah.
“Rabbit said he gave the other me a heads-up about some project Infinity was involved in called Omega. Didn’t know what it was, but apparently other me ran with it in hopes of finding enough ammo to bring Mommy and Daddy down.”
Kori nodded. “And you think he was going to the party to get information about the project?”
It was more a stab in the dark than anything else, but what more did I have? “That would be my guess.”
“Well, then she wouldn’t be there, would she? This ‘duchess’? Noah is dead. Everyone knows it. If he was meeting someone, she wouldn’t still show.”
He had a point. An annoying, depressing point. “I’m betting it was someone who was going to be at the party already. To have the information he needed, it has to be someone inside Infinity, so good odds that she’ll still attend.”
“And we’re supposed to find her how?” Noah leaned forward. “Go around and ask who the duchess he was planning to do at eleven is?”
“We’ll just have to scope things out. See if anyone—or anything—stands out.” Would it be harder? Yes. But what other choice did I have? This was my only way out. Cora and Karl needed to pay. For what they’d done to me, to Noah…all of it. This was my chance to not only get off the list, but to be free of the Anderson family once and for all.
Cade nodded. He was quiet for a moment before a slow smile spread across his face. He reached into the bag at his feet and pulled out another burger. Jabbing it at Noah, he said, “Up for some partying?”
Noah matched his grin with one of his own—a smile so devastating that it should have been illegal. “Haven’t been to a good party in a long time.”
Chapter Eleven
Noah
We spent the rest of the day hunting down the things I’d need to become Cleaver. And by we, I meant Cade and Kori. It was one thing for Cade and me to skulk around to track down Penny Mills— but mall hopping? Yeah. I was benched, but I wasn’t alone.
I still hadn’t decided if that was a good thing or not.
Ash had settled on the far side of the room, which was fine with me. The one time she’d crossed to my side, her hand innocently brushing mine as she grabbed the television remote, I thought we’d both explode. She’d been going over the possibilities, making a list and reciting about a trillion variations of the phrase doing a duchess—names, places, landmarks—out loud.
I was close to losing it.
“That’s getting annoying.”
She kept her head down, focusing on the slip of paper in front of her. “Why? Because you want to kiss me again?”
“Meh.” I kicked my feet onto the table and leaned back in the chair. “There are worse ways to kill time.” I shouldn’t even be joking about it, though. Just the thought had me ready to leap from the chair and pounce on her like some kind of freaking animal.
I’d never had this much of a reaction to her before. Sure, the chemistry had been off the charts the times we’d met. Wham, bam, meet you in heaven then scram. But this Ash, she was different from the others.
I didn’t want her to be different… I needed her not to be different.
She set the pen down and squared her shoulders. Without a word, she pushed away from the small table and stood. Turning, she crossed the room, stopping a foot or so away from me. “Okay.”
“Okay…what?”
“Let’s do it.” She kicked off her sneakers. “Let’s satisfy your curiosity. That’s what you want, right? A chance to see what all the fuss is about?” Her eyes narrowed.
“I—”
“You’re hot for me. I’m hot for you. Let’s just get it over with.”
My mouth fell open. “You’re saying—”
“We should sleep together. Yeah. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t fantasized about it before, and like you said, we have time to kill.”
“What Rabbit said…” Noah told me what you did. How you went and messed with his head... She kept insisting he was her friend, but there was more to it than that. Something had gone down between them. Something had changed right before his death. Something she was having a hard time living with. “What really happened between you and me?”
“If any part of what Phil said was true, it wouldn’t be a shock to anyone here.” She was directly in front of me now, looking down on me. There was passion in her movements, but also anger. Rage so tightly controlled that it reminded me of me. “Maybe I was messing with his head. Maybe I didn’t even know I was doing it. What other explanation could I have for doing such a stupid thing?”
“What did you do, Ash?”
She leveled her gaze at me and laughed. She laughed so hard that for a second, I was sure she’d topple over. When she regained control of herself, she took a shaky breath and said, “I kissed him. I kissed him even though I knew it was wrong on so many different levels. Even though he didn’t want me to.”
I stood and took a single step toward her. Her eyes were wild and her entire body rigid. She was hurting, and even though I knew in my gut that her Noah probably had wanted her to kiss him, telling her that now wouldn’t make her feel better. If I were in her shoes, it would probably just piss me the hell off. “It was a kiss. An innocent—”
“Innocent? You don’t understand how this place works, but a Bottom Tier will do anything to claw their way out of the slum.”
Was that how she really saw herself? As some desperate girl unable to stand on her own?
“It was anything but innocent. I was attracted to him. I didn’t love him—not like that—but I still wanted him. Deep down, I think I always did.” She played with the hem of her T-shirt for a moment, then pressed herself against me. She leaned in and trailed her lips up the side of my neck, to my ear. “Tell me you’re not curious. That you don’t want to kiss me again…”
I held my breath, willing my hands to stay motionless at my sides.
Of course I wanted to. Other than the obvious—hello, I was a guy—this was my go-to cure for the Ash-related sickness. Find her, get her out of my system, move the fuck on. So far it’d worked like a charm, and if ever there was a call for it, it was now—with this girl. Cade told me once that when I found Ash, the right Ash, there’d be no way I could walk away. So far, I was 4 for 0. I was determined to prove to Cade that there was no such thing as a constant. If she wanted to make it 5-0, then that was okay with me.
Instead of answering, I wrapped my hands around her waist and pulled her closer. She tangled her fingers through my hair, wrapping them around the longer strands and tugging while at the same time, she captured my mouth and shifted against me.
I let out a groan and my fingers gave an involuntary twitch, digging into the soft skin of her back. She hissed but seemed into it, deepening the kiss. The sensation was intense. I felt like a live wire, yet at the same time, had the most unreal sense of peace. Peace, and guilt.
She was hurting. This was an emotional response to her own guilt. To her grief. From the sound of things, she hadn’t had time to process everything that had happened before the Andersons ripped the rug out from under her. The part of my brain that remembered my mother raised me to be a good man, an honorable man, screamed for me to put an end to this. That was who I was. At my center, at my core. Under all my own grief and acting out over the loss of my sister, that was the person I was.
But I was also selfish. Greedy in a way that had me taking after my father.
I let go of her waist and reached up, grabbing each of her wrists and bringing them behind her back. My large right hand secured them easily, while I brought my left up, just beneath her chin. I let my fingers linger there, reveling in the softness of he
r skin before tipping her head back to expose her neck. The taste of her was euphoric and overrode all the protests that had been banging around inside my head. The sensation of her skin beneath my fingers, of her scent all around me. It was like I’d slipped into a drug-induced haze, content to ride the wave straight on into oblivion.
She made a sound. A thrilling cross between a contented sigh and an eager moan. She shifted again, the friction the move created threatening to incinerate me. It nearly drove me over the edge. This Ash was more jagged than the others. Life had tried so damn hard to break her down, yet she was still standing. Still fighting.
No. No, no, no. This might feel right, but it was wrong. Letting it happen like this was wrong.
She’d instigated this whole thing, but in a single moment of clarity I wasn’t so sure it was a good idea—for either of us. Was I selfish? Yep. I’d be the first to admit it. Was I this selfish? Could I use her like I had the others?
I’d gone to four different versions of her with the use and lose mentality. I made it clear up front that it was never more than a one-hit wonder. Screw the fact that every time she’d agreed, just as eager as me. Here with this Ash, right now, the full realization of what I’d done made me hate myself even more than I hated Dylan. I’d told myself that what I was doing was so that I could keep moving forward, so I could clear my mind, but the ugly truth was, I was just some low-life bastard using his grief as an excuse.
I broke the kiss and let go of her wrists. “As much as I’d love to do this—God I can’t believe I’m actually saying this—we should stop.”
“Stop?”
I straightened my shirt and stood, trying hard to swallow what felt like ten pounds of sawdust in my throat. “You had this weird…thing with your Noah. I’m kinda feeling like I’d be taking advantage of that.”
She blinked, her lips parting slightly. She backed away several steps. There was a flush in her cheeks. “You don’t want to take advantage of me? That’s what you’re saying?”
Why the fuck did she sound so surprised? “What the hell kind of guy do you think I am? Of course I don’t want to take advantage of you.”
She stood a little straighter, eyes gleaming with challenge. “But I offered. Free and clear.” She spread her arms wide, causing the material of her shirt to shift in the most tantalizing way. “No strings.”
“Yeah.” I swallowed and focused on the desk just behind her. “You did—but there were strings. I still don’t believe that kiss between you and him was anything that could have destroyed the friendship you had, but you need to deal with it. You need to get right with what happened and see that for yourself. Right now, you’re damaged. Damaged in a way that I have no desire to add to.”
I didn’t like the way she was looking at me. Like she was seeing me for the first time. Like she was seeing something good. “Everyone is damaged.”
“They are. Look at me. I’m about as broken as they come.” I was haunted. By Kori, by the future I would never have, by the relationships I couldn’t—wouldn’t—hold on to. “And maybe this would have added to my damage, too.”
She thought about it for a moment, then stepped forward and rose onto her toes. A second later, she brushed the softest kiss across my forehead. It was the simplest, purest action, yet it stole the air from my lungs in a way that made me feel both dead and alive in the same moment.
She turned and started for the bathroom. When she reached the door, without turning back, she said, “I’m sorry that I called you selfish.”
“Don’t be. I am.”
She shook her head, shoulders rising and falling with a deep breath. “Maybe, but I think you’re far less selfish than you want people to believe.”
...
We spent the remaining time on opposite sides of the room. When Cade and Kori returned, bags in hand, no one said a word as we got ready for the party. They’d managed to put the Cleaver costume together thanks to Ash’s impeccable description, not that it’d been very hard. The character was known for worn black jeans, a black T-shirt and motorcycle jacket, and black beanie. Other than the mask, I was pretty much born to play this guy.
They found Ash a simple costume that kept her face hidden, while going for less disguising ones for themselves. They were still anonymous in this world, so moving around was easier for them. Once we were ready, we made our way to the Antiquity Grand Hotel where the gala was to take place.
“That was easier than I expected it to be,” Kori whispered once we’d made it through the check-in. She wasn’t kidding. For people who believed their son’s killer was out and about and determined to cause trouble, the security certainly was lax. Then again, if this world’s Cora and Karl were really as bad as Ash said, then maybe they’d never dream she’d have the guts to try waltzing in through the front door. Hell. Maybe they thought she was miles away by now, hiding under some rock.
They didn’t know her very well…
“We’re in. Now what?” I still felt like this was a waste of time. Ash hadn’t had any luck figuring out who Noah had plans to meet. But it seemed important to her so I’d gone along with it. Who knew? Maybe we’d get lucky.
“I guess the best thing we can do is wander around. Look for anything that seems out of place. Maybe something will hit me.” Kori had gotten her a sleek black, floor length dress and a mask. Some sparkly white thing with feathers and shining stones glued to the front in an intricate design. The dress wasn’t anything revealing. Black satin with a high neckline and long, draping sleeves. But it hugged every curve like a second skin, and when she moved, I couldn’t help wondering what it would feel like to slip my hands along the fabric—and underneath.
Cade snapped his fingers. “You okay, man?”
I jumped, guilty. “Yeah. Great. Move around. Standing here looks suspicious.”
Kori tried to hide a snicker and Cade gave a knowing grin as he led her away. The crowd swallowed them. I took Ash’s hand and started around the outskirts of the room, moving slowly to give her enough time to take it all in. Judging from the way she kept gnawing on her bottom lip, we were still coming up with zero. I could tell it was stressing her out. She was trying so hard to prove there was something here. The thing was, the harder you tried sometimes, the harder it was to get your brain to where it needed to be. While I’d been studying for my MCATs I’d been so focused that I had a hard time retaining the information. My father sat me down and explained that sometimes a little distraction can go a long way toward getting you where you wanted to go.
“So what did you mean earlier? When you said I was less damaged than he was.” We sidestepped a small group talking and made our way for the garden. Through the glass doors ahead, I could see large groups of people there, dancing under the stars to the muted sounds of a live band.
The question seemed to take her by surprise. She stiffened and tried to pull her hand from mine, but I held tight. She continued scanning the room and I was sure she wouldn’t answer, but after a moment she said, “You say you’re selfish.” Her voice was low. “You say you only care about a small sphere of people.”
“I am who I am.” I pushed through the door and into the cool night air.
“That’s who he was. You may share some of his personality traits, but in reality, you’re nothing like him. Granted, you’re more of a dick than he was, but you’re also…more. I always used to look past it because, well, because he was all I had. But the truth is, my Noah had a cruel streak. He was always good to me, but sometimes…” She shook her head. “There’s no trace of that in you. You’re—”
A shrill whistle sounded above the music, followed by an annoying hoot. “I’d know that ass anywhere.”
Ash stiffened and picked up the pace, heading to the far end of the crowd. We crossed the dance floor and had almost made it to the row of empty tables when the guy spoke again. “Aww, come on. Don’t be like that. I’m not gonna tattle or anything.”
We kept going, past the tables and along the small gravel
path. It was lit with white string lights and led to a small gazebo a few yards away. The guy behind us followed—and kept making comments—and at one point I stiffened, poised to turn around, but she clutched my hand and silently shook her head.
Finally tired of being ignored, the guy rushed ahead and jumped out in front of us. “I just wanna talk, okay?”
“What do you want, Freddy?”
“You are looking fine, baby. Haven’t heard from you in a while.” Freddy looked her up and down, then cast a sideways glance in my direction. “Who’re you?”
“Someone whose time you’re wasting,” I snarled.
“Oh… Getting a head start, huh Ash? I gotta say, I’m surprised. After that speech you gave at the beginning of the year, I thought for sure you’d avoid that house.” He looked from Ash to me, grinning. “When you’re done, do you mind?”
“Do I mind what?” The way he was leering at her, like she was some kind of sugary dessert, pissed me off.
“Sending her my way?” He puffed out his chest a little and had the nerve to wink at her. “We have a history.”
“Freddy,” Ash warned. There was a tremble in her voice.
“But, I mean, you probably have a history with half the guys at this party, am I right?”
“Excuse me?” I balled my fists tight, fingers itching to choke the shit out of this guy.
He threw up his hands. “No offense or anything. Not like you banged your way around town or whatever. But, come on. We both know you’ve got some miles.” He nudged me with his elbow. “A lot.”
I could have kept my mouth shut. Should have, really. But one of my—many if you ask Kori—flaws was self-restraint. Act first, think later—if at all. I stepped up to the guy and made a move to lift my mask, but Ash grabbed my arm.
“Sorry, Freddy. I’m not here on house business, nor am I joining either house when I turn eighteen.” Her voice was frigid. “Tonight is strictly a night out with a friend. The past is the past and that’s how it stays. I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell anyone you saw me here.”