I quickly wrapped the rope around her neck, tightening it as she struggled. But I couldn’t see her eyes. I had to turn my body and pull the rope over my shoulder, to stop her hands from reaching my face. I felt anger and frustration like I had never felt before. I couldn’t see her eyes. When her body finally went limp, I let it fall to the ground. I had ten minutes to get to the library. I took two of those minutes to just look at her eyes. She was gone. Just like my mother. But I wasn’t able to watch her leave. All of this had been for nothing.
I made it to the library and I set my stuff out on the table, where I usually sat to tutor Tiffany and began doing my work, while waiting for Tiffany’s arrive. After about 15 minutes, I approached the counter and asked if they could keep an eye on my stuff, while I ran to the bathroom and to inform them, that if Tiffany showed up, while I was away, to let her know I would be right back. But Tiffany wasn’t going to show. Tiffany was gone. I wasn’t able to see her leave, but I knew she was gone.
CHAPTER 14: ALEXANDRIA
I attacked Roy. At least that’s what I remembered being told. Honestly, I don’t remember doing it. My vision became aware to me, in a blur. When it focused, I was sitting in the principles office, the school security guard standing next to me. He wouldn’t tell me what happened, but there was a look of disbelief on his face. My cheeks began to sting. As I moved to touch my face, I noticed bloody scratches on my arms. “What the hell happened?” I asked. “You can speak with the cops when they get here.” was all the security guard would say to me.
What had happened? Were they coming to take a statement from me or to arrest me?
When they came, I was handcuffed and taken to the police station. They could only go off the statement of the witnesses and Roy, because I had absolute no memory of what transpired.
As multiple statements read, I swung and punched Roy on the left side of his face. A punch that was quickly followed by several more hits. They stated that he tried to defend his head, as he pledged for me to stop. But I don’t remember that. The reports state that I tussled with him, pulling his hair, punching and kneeing him, repeatedly. But the true cause for the arrest, was what occurred when I finally got Roy on the ground. Which is kinda, amazing, because although Roy was not a big guy, he was still bigger than me. The witnesses say I did not look like myself. ‘Possessed’ is what several witnesses described it as. As I got Roy to the ground, I wrapped by hands around his neck. They say he punched me in my face several times, but I would not release my grip. The report states that he sustained cuts in the back of his neck from where my nails had anchored into his flesh. As several students lifted me from Roy’s body, I would not release him. His face was as red as a tomato, one witness stated. It took several teachers and students to pry his neck out of my grip. Roy was badly injured and had to be taken to the hospital. I was told that upon my release of Roy, I did not react any longer. I did not speak a word, or resist being restrained.
I snapped. That’s what all the reports say. It was like I just snapped. I was in trouble now. I was charged with aggravated assault, but in leu of jail time, I was required to undergo psychological evaluation. I don’t know if anything was really wrong with me. I just think that Roy got what he deserved. I had to lie and tell the counselor, and my mother and the teacher and anybody else who asked, that I was incredible sorry for what happened. But inside, I was please. What happened never developed in my memory, but out of some strange coincidence, the adrenaline would wash over me sometimes, as I remember what was told to me. The power that I must have possessed. The control I must have had over Roy. I would have loved to see him looking back at me. Begging me to stop. I’d never felt power in my life. I never had power over anyone and I had never even thought about it. But after that incident, I thought about it often. I wasn’t there, mentally, when I possessed the power, but it had to still be there. Somewhere inside of me. I wanted to feel it. I wanted to use it.
Although there was a lot going on in my life after that, I felt more aware, of myself. Of who I really was. I also became aware of who I wasn’t. I was not just going to sit by and watch myself be labeled and let my future turn into something my mother could smile down upon. I wasn’t crazy, the psychologist stated that herself. I was just a girl with a lot of built up anger. That is what was going to be put into by file. I think it was more to it than that, but if that’s what it took, to control the way people viewed me, that was fine by me.
Dr. Durchek was very well respected in the community. I really only know this, because that’s what she and my mother told me. Dr. Durchek didn’t really use those words. She just elaborated more on her background and studies, but you could hear the pride in her voice. But I didn’t fault her, she had obviously worked hard to earn them. My mother was the one that spoke of Dr. Durchek most often. Dr. Durchek was a member of her church, but she was also well respected in the community. I think someone of Dr. Durchek’s intelligence and status, gave my mother a sense of pride. ‘We worship the same lord’, was probably how she saw it. I don’t know if my mother knew that the community did not view her and Dr. Durchek in the same light. Especially if I had anything to do with it.
I made sure to paint a vivid picture of my mother, for Dr. Durchek, during our sessions. A woman so wrapped up in the lord that she neglected the emotional needs of her daughters. She’d always ask me how something made me feel. I could have given her truthful answers. I could have told her that I often felt very angry. Very dissatisfied with my life, feeling as though I must have been cursed before my birth. That I often wish death upon people who hurt me. And how those thoughts brought me peace. But instead, I’d tell her that my parents made me feel unworthy, unimportant. How I felt like they just had children because that’s what people do. They fall in love quickly, get married, and start a family. I would tell her that my mother use to tell me that i was a disappointment. Which wasn’t at all true, but I’m sure Dr. Durchek enjoyed writing it down in her little pad.
The sessions became more of a game to me. A place where I could weave whatever tale I wanted. I made progress and self discovery very quickly...Dr. Durchek’s words, not mine. I knew I was making progress quickly. That’s what I had set out to do. But don’t get me wrong, I liked Dr. Durchek. She was very nice to me. I always saw compassion in her eyes when she looked at me. She really wanted to help me, but honestly, there was nothing for her to help me with. I knew exactly who and what I was and I was happy with that now. But I do give credit, where credit is do. She help me look inside of myself and see what was truly there. But what I saw, it wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t peaceful. It wasn’t nice. There was a part of me that was dark and evil and vengeful. I chose to not fight it. It’s part of who I am and honestly, when I began to embrace it, that’s when I began to see more clearly. And I also give credit to Dr. Durchek because she inspired me to become a psychologist. She inspired me to not only want respect from those around me, but to make it so they really had no other choice but to respect me. When you help other, people will love you for it.
CHAPTER 15: DEREK
After Tiffany failed to show at the library, I went to her home, to check and see if she was there. Her mother stated she hadn’t seen her since she left for school that morning. And honestly, she didn’t seem worried. It wasn’t unlike Tiffany to come home in the middle of the night, if she came home at all. Her mother stated she would show up in a day or two, when she needed fresh clothes or when whom ever she was staying with, finally got tired of her. As I looked at her mother, flapping her gums so carelessly about her own offspring, I couldn’t help but feel the urge to take her life. This woman was a waste of everything, space, resources, energy. She was despicable. At least Tiffany was free now. She no longer had to deal with this…person.
After a few days, people began to wonder where she was. Many people asked when was the last time I saw her. Other than in the hal
l that day, in passing, I hadn’t. I informed them that she never showed for her tutoring session and when I went to speak with her mother, she had assumed that Tiffany was off with someone. One of the sad things, was that her mother couldn’t give the police any particular names of guys her daughter might have been seeing. She didn’t know who her child was sleeping with. All the names the police got were from students, who had seen Tiffany with different guys.
After about a week or so, the community began a search party and Tiffany’s lifeless body was found in the forest behind the semi-abandoned plaza. The autopsy report concluded that she had died on the day she was suppose to meet with me. That’s why she hadn’t shown up. The police questioned me. When was the last time I’d seen her? What was I doing in the time between when school let out and when I got to the library?
But they weren’t going to catch me in a lie. My plan was set out for this. I never took the same way from the school to the library. I didn’t want anyone to notice that I changed my route. I alternated my route between 3 directions. And I paced myself to make sure I always arrived at the library around the exact same time. On a route that would take longer, I just walked faster and a route that was shorter, I just strolled along. I told the officers that the route I chose depended on how I felt. If I needed a little extra time to relax my mind, I would take the shorter route and just stroll slowly and let my mind clear. I never stopped in any store or to converse with anyone. I just blended in with everyday people. During the autopsy they found DNA under Tiffany’s nails and semen inside of her. And because neither was linked to me, I was no longer questioned. I felt a little bad for the guy. But then I found out he was nineteen. Which opened a whole new can of worms for him.
I continued my tutoring and observations for my college essay. I became very focused. At first this was just a ploy to satisfy an urge, but I actually felt like this was the path I was meant to be on. Understanding how people though was intriguing. And understand how they thought also made it a lot easier to manipulate a situation, so that a person can receive the information that is most beneficial to me.
CHAPTER 16: ALEXANDRIA
After the incident with Roy, I became very focused on my studies. It was a pretty devastating event. Although the file was closed after my completion of the court ordered therapy, some of the colleges I had applied to, still found out somehow and declined my admission. But by the middle of my junior year of high school, with recommendations from some highly respected teachers, the principle and of course Dr. Durchek, a few colleges reconsidered. I had to put in overtime with my studies and extra-curricular activities. Which didn’t really bother me any. I had decided after Roy that I would no longer allow any man into my heart again.
Men couldn’t be trusted. They were somehow, all damaged. I don’t know how they became so damaged, but they were. I honestly think they were mentally damaged by some since of entitlement. It’s not to say, that because you date or marry someone that you have to stay with them forever. I think marriage is an unrealistic idea. I take that back, maybe marriage is a realistic idea. Because that is something two people are agreeing on. They are choosing to face life and all it’s obstacles together. I think it’s monogamy that is unrealistic. I think trying to predict or plan how you will feel about someone in the future, is unrealistic. People change. Their likes and dislikes change, their emotions change, their behavior changes, their attractions change. And even if two people are on the same page, when they first meet, whose to say they will still be on the same page ten years later.
I’m sure my mother and father were on the same page when they began dating. I’ve seen pictures of them and they looked so happy. And there were a lot of pictures. They were together a lot of years before Talicia was born. But judging by the pictures, which decreased in numbers, about two years before Talicia was born, they had already started to change, or grow, in different directions. I don’t know if they were aware of it, but I just noticed that there were less picture of them around that time, until Talicia was born. I honestly believe they only had us because that’s what married people are expected to do. They are expected to start a family. And I also think they had us because they though it might strengthen their marriage and give them a reason to keep working at it. Looking back, I think my father was on the path, they both were originally on. He loved this woman. He thought she was beautiful, sexy, fun, spontaneous, and whatever else he thought. I think he loved the woman he originally married. I think it was my mother that began to change, in a different direction from my father. I think she started turning into her mother. My mother’s side of the family believed that a mature woman devotes her life to the lord and the church. And that devotion is what guarantees you peace within your life. So I think my mother started changing in a way, that she was pre-trained to change. I think she went into the marriage with the preconceive notion that she and my father would have a few years of fun and excitement and then they would need to devote their marriage to God, to guarantee it’s survival and sanctuary. But that wasn’t my father’s plan. He wasn’t pre-trained the way she was and I think that’s when they began to grow apart.
I honestly think that having children could have been a strengthening part of their marriage. My father was ecstatic about being a father. He loved it. But my mother was moving more toward having the church be the center of her world and my father saw his children as the center of his world.
And in usual fashion, when people grow in separate direction, infidelity usually eases its way into that open space. And it brings along a trail of lies and deception. I fault both my parents for this. They both allowed themselves to be manipulated by societies standards. Monogamy is not the standard. It’s the exception. Most people, men and women, aren’t mentally built for monogamy. For centuries, woman were brainwashed into believing that it was very important for a woman to save herself for a man and to be with that man only. But the man wasn’t going to be with only that woman. No, he was going to have already slept with women. Women who would be considered to be ‘loose’ because they gave into their sexual desires like men. But a woman was trained to think she was a little bit better, if she didn’t give in to those feelings. It was all a ploy to control women’s minds. And it worked, for a long time. But eventually women began to think for themselves.
But although women think for themselves now, they still have that expectation of monogamy being a part of marriage. My mother was one of those woman. I wasn’t. I didn’t believe in monogamy. At that point in my life I didn’t even believe in marriage. But I was determined not to end up like my parents. I would rather go around, breaking hearts than to put myself in situations that would only lead to getting my heart broken.
As I began dating, I realized that men try to use marriage talk to manipulate women. They had somehow discovered that if you let a woman think you are interested in marriage, it’s easier to get into her pants because she thinks you are mature and ready. Whenever I asked a guy how he felt about marriage, it was always the same type of answers. Usually the “Oh, I can’t wait to get married. Settle down and start a family. I want to be married for 30 years like my parents.” But as soon as I would tell them, I didn’t believe in marriage, their story would quickly change. “I really don’t want to get married anytime soon
I just want to find someone I can enjoy life with right now. You know, have fun with.” Yeah I knew. I most definitely knew...when someone was full of shit. But if I wanted them, I would have them. If I had no interest, I would be very honest and direct about it. I would just tell them they, were full of shit and leave. I loved the feeling of power that comes from exposing a liar. The defeat on their faces, were always Kodak moments.
As I demanded more freedom, my mother and I couldn’t see eye to eye. She constantly threatened to kick me out, if I didn’t follow her rules, but I was almost eighteen. And honestly, I really didn’t need her t
o look out for me anymore. I had a part time job and if I needed a place to stay, Jennifer’s parents had always told me I was welcomed there. And when it came down to it, they backed their words. I didn’t dare ask my father if I could come and live with him. That ship had long sailed and sank like the Titanic. I wasn’t a child anymore and I was glad to have that part of my life, behind me.
CHAPTER 17: DEREK
I moved on with my life. I completed my high school courses about a year and a half later Tiffany’s death. I obtained a full scholarship to the university of my choice. The accomplishment drew more attention than I was comfortable with. I didn’t like people prying into my life, asking me questions about my past, present, and future. Although I enjoyed obtaining knowledge, being too academically advanced, drew attention.
Plus, I still had the desire. The urge to take another’s life. Most people daydream and fantasize about things like sex, vacations, or revenge. I would only catch myself daydreaming about taking the life of another. Some days were harder than others. Some days, I might only think about it once or twice, if that. But on some days, it was constantly on my mind. Any opportunity that my mind had to wonder off, that’s where it ended up. I was not sure it was worth the risk. I fought the urge for many years. It wasn’t until I graduated college and began working that I considered giving in to my desires.
In the early years of my career as a psychologist, I had several papers published. After that I often received request to speak at different conferences around the country. Although I had declined many times, I felt the need to accept one year and decided to be a speaker at the psychiatric conference in Chicago, IL.