“No. Nate’s in the waiting room with Rush. Go see your son. You’ve been here with me since this happened. You and Rush go home and get some rest.”
Blaire smiled and nodded. “OK. But I’m only taking a bath and a quick nap, then I’ll be back to see Harlow. I’m ready to plan this wedding.”
“Thanks, Blaire. Thanks for being her friend. She’s never had anyone like you. Thanks for loving her.”
Blaire put her hands on her hips. “Stop making me cry, Grant Carter,” she said.
“Sorry. But I mean it.”
Blaire sighed and sniffed again. “I know you do. That’s why I’m on the verge of tears again.”
“Go find your family, and y’all go on home and rest. I’ll call when she’s ready for visitors.”
Blaire nodded and hugged me again before leaving the room.
I walked over to the incubator and stared down at our Lila Kate. I never knew I wanted a baby. Not something I had ever thought about before Harlow. But now that I had her, I couldn’t imagine life without her.
“She’s awake. Your mommy is awake, and she’s waiting for you. She woke up for us, and we have a lifetime of memories to start making.”
An hour later, we had Lila Kate in a rolling bed, and we were heading down to Harlow’s room. Since Lila Kate’s lungs were fully developed and she had shown no signs of any problems, they felt it was safe to let her spend some time with her mother. Today was the first day she had really started eating properly. Harlow was going to get to feed her. They were bringing the bottle down with her.
I opened the door and checked to make sure Harlow was awake and that Kiro and Mase had left. Harlow was sitting up and sipping water. She was alone except for a nurse. I couldn’t wait to see her smile when I rolled in our daughter.
“I have someone really important waiting to meet you. She’s been as patient as can be expected, but she’s ready now,” I said. I held the door as the nurse rolled Lila Kate into the room.
Harlow’s eyes went wide with wonder as she gazed at our baby girl. Lila Kate had slept through the ride down here, so she was still unaware of this moment and how important it was.
“Can I hold her? Will it hurt her? I want to hold her, but I don’t want to hurt her,” Harlow said, her voice still weak.
The nurse adjusted pillows on each side of Harlow. “The best thing for her right now is to be in her mother’s arms. She will have missed your voice and your heartbeat. She’s been waiting for this, I can assure you.”
Harlow’s eyes were on our daughter, and mine were on her. The nurse picked up Lila Kate and placed her securely in Harlow’s arms. I stood as close to them as I could while taking in the sight I had been afraid I would never see.
“She’s beautiful,” Harlow breathed, with a worshipful look on her face.
“Told you,” I reminded her.
“She’s so small. Is it OK that she’s so small?” she asked, looking from me to the nurse.
“She was born two months early. She’s four pounds, which is a really good weight for a thirty-two-week preemie. Her lungs are great, and so is her heart. She’s even taking the bottle with no problem.”
Harlow touched her little hands and ran her finger over her delicate nose as she studied her. “I get to watch her grow up,” Harlow whispered. “I get to be her mother.”
“The world’s best mother,” I said, watching my girls together for the first time.
Harlow spent the next few minutes checking out Lila Kate’s toes and fingers and even her tummy. She checked everything. While I was helping her put socks on Lila Kate’s little feet, the baby’s little eyes fluttered open, and she puckered up.
“Hey, my precious baby, it’s Mommy. I’m here,” Harlow said. The puckered frown disappeared instantly, and Lila Kate gazed up at Harlow.
I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and snapped a photo of that moment. They were lost in each other’s eyes, and I wasn’t sure who was more in love with whom. It was one of those moments that there are no words to adequately capture. Nothing was good enough.
Lila Kate stuck her tiny thumb into her mouth and continued looking at her mother.
Harlow glanced up at me and beamed. “She’s sucking her thumb.” The awe in her voice was something I completely understood.
“She’s been doing it since the first day. She also likes to add a finger in there every once in a while.”
Harlow laughed, and Lila Kate stopped sucking. Her little eyes went wide with wonder, as if she was just realizing who was holding her.
“You’re our beginning,” Harlow told her. “It’s time we lived without fear. You’re the most wonderful chance I ever took.”
I bent over and kissed Harlow’s forehead. “Thank you for her,” I said. Then I lowered my head and kissed the other love of my life on the head.
Harlow
The day after I woke up, I was moved to a large suite. That was the best way to describe it. This room wasn’t covered by health insurance and was hardly ever used, but it was on Kiro’s bill, and it was the best they had to offer. I was thankful for it. The extra bed for Grant and the large sofa and extra seating for guests were nice. It didn’t feel so cramped. If I was going to be stuck in a hospital, then this was a nice way to experience it.
Grant walked into the room carrying my overnight bag which Blaire had been holding on to for me. “They said they would give you a shower today, and I wanted you to have your bodywash and nightgown,” he said.
“Thank you.”
He set the bag down beside the bed and kissed me on the mouth sweetly before stepping back. “Maryann wants to see you. She’s been wanting to visit with you before she heads back to Texas.”
Mase had said his mother had come in with him to see me when I wasn’t awake. She’d left to rest just before I had called out for Grant, and then everything had happened after that. I wanted to see her and thank her for being the first person to stand by me when I chose to keep my baby. “Good. I want to see her,” I said.
Grant pointed to the large bouquet of pink roses and the wrapped gift beside it. “That’s from her. She brought it last night, and I had them send it up here.”
I turned to study the roses more closely while I waited for Maryann to arrive. When the door opened back up, I smiled at her, and she burst into tears. Her big, wide, happy smile was the only thing that eased my mind. She was crying joyful tears. That I could handle.
“I had wanted you to have your baby, but when you didn’t wake up . . .” She put her hand on her chest and let out a small gasp. “I blamed myself. I was so sure you were strong enough, and then, oh, I was . . . just don’t do that again, OK?” she said as she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly.
“Thank you for believing in me. She’s the most wonderful, perfect, beautiful little girl in the world.”
Maryann sighed and wiped at her face. “I knew she would be, but having your life hanging in the balance was something I hadn’t been prepared for.”
“I never would have forgiven myself if I hadn’t kept her. I had to do it this way. It was the only choice. And now I get to be a mother. I get to be a Maryann and bake cookies with her and play ball in the yard with her. I get to do all those things you did with Mase. I had been so envious of him growing up, because he had you. Now I can be like you,” I said honestly. Maryann was the person I most wanted to be.
“Gah, girl, you are making me a mess. I love you, sweetheart. You’ve always been special. You were the one thing that saved your father’s soul. You and your mother. It takes a special person to reach that man, and you did it. You don’t need to be like me—you will do a wonderful job being you.”
I nodded, but I knew I would always want to give Lila Kate the things that Mase had as a child and that I had dreamed of.
“I’m heading back to Texas today. I’m taking Major with me before he does something stupid. I’m sure you’ll see Mase for a few more days until he feels secure enough to leave you. He’s an ove
rprotective big brother of the best sort.”
I couldn’t agree more. “And I love him for it.”
“I know you do,” she said.
She started to leave, and I remembered the gift. “Thank you so much for the roses and the gift,” I called out after her. She glanced back and grinned.
“You’re welcome. The roses are for you. The gift is for Lila Kate.”
I nodded, and Maryann left. Knowing she had dropped everything and lived in the waiting room while I fought to come back made my heart swell. She was truly the best woman I knew.
After another week in the hospital, I was allowed to go home under weekly doctor supervision and no strenuous activity. I was supposed to stay in bed most of the time. I even had a special diet, and my medication had been changed again.
Lila Kate had met all of her milestones in NICU. She would have been released to go home two days ago, but they allowed her to stay until I was released. The fact that Kiro had paid ridiculous amounts of money to make sure I had the best care must have had a little to do with their decision, I was sure. That and his celebrity status.
Grant stood at the door of my hospital room with Lila Kate tucked in his arms in the pink bonnet and gown I had bought for her all those months ago. I held her while he took our picture—I wanted it for her scrapbook. It would be another part of our story, just like all those letters were a part of our story. I had one I wanted to read to her tonight.
“You hold her, and I’ll push the wheelchair. Your dad paid a moving service to pack up all these flowers, balloons, and gift baskets,” Grant said as he pointed to the room full of tokens of everyone’s wishes and congratulations. I didn’t even realize I had this many people in my life who cared.
A white stuffed lamb caught my attention, and I turned to look up at Grant. “Get the lamb,” I told him. He frowned and glanced back at the little lamb. It was made out of the softest cashmere and had a matching blanket. “The blanket, too,” I added as he walked over to get it.
Nan hadn’t been by to see me or Lila Kate. Mase had mentioned that she had left after the announcement that I was awake and hadn’t returned. I figured that she had originally come here for selfish reasons, although I was grateful, whatever her reason was. She had come through for me. Then, two days ago, a gift had arrived—a French layette that I had seen while surfing the Web for baby clothing. The lamb and the blanket had been included. When I opened it, the card simply read: Congratulations, Nan.
That was it. Nothing else. But it had been something. She hadn’t used it to gain Kiro’s or anyone else’s attention; she’d just sent a gift. It was so unexpected and special. Because no matter what happened in the future, I would never forget what she did for me.
“Isn’t this the gift Nan sent?” Grant asked as he tucked it in beside me.
“Yes, it is,” I replied. I didn’t explain myself further.
He nodded and pushed me with Lila Kate down the long hall, to the elevator, then out to the hospital valet parking, where a silver Land Rover was parked.
“A gift from your father. He said you needed a family car now. Something safe,” Grant explained as he walked over to open the door. “I tried to tell him I’d supply my family with a safe car, but he said it was his gift and that I didn’t get a say. Add a few choice curse words in there, and you get the idea.” Grant grinned as he walked back to me and scooped Lila Kate up into his arms like a pro.
“You’ve got some pretty luxurious travel digs, too. Compliments of Gramps,” Grant told her as he buckled her into her car seat, which looked very complicated. Grant seemed to know what he was doing.
When he finished, he took my hand, gently led me out of the wheelchair, and walked me over to the passenger door. “How did you know how to buckle her in?” I asked as I got in.
“I’ve been studying the manual for the past three days. When Kiro brought it with the Land Rover, I figured I’d better make sure I was using it correctly.”
He was that dad. The one I had wanted so much for him to be. He adored our little girl, and he was reading safety manuals for car seats.
“You’re wonderful,” I told him, and he smirked.
“You just now figuring that out?”
He closed my door and went around the car to get in on the driver’s side. Instead of starting the car, he stared a moment, then turned to look at me. He went pale.
“What’s wrong?” I sat up straight and leaned over to touch his leg. Was he going to be sick?
“I have to drive her. I didn’t . . . I guess I didn’t think about that until this moment. She’s so tiny.”
I bit back a smile, because he was very serious. “Grant, drive us home. Now. You are a safe driver, and she is in a safe vehicle and a top-of-the-line car seat. You can do this, baby. You’re overthinking it.”
He nodded and took a deep breath, then started up the car. We pulled out slowly, made our way out of the parking lot, and headed home.
Grant went ahead of us and turned on her bedroom light. I waited outside the door, holding an alert and happy Lila Kate. She had woken up happy when we got her out of her car seat. She didn’t like being strapped down and seemed thrilled to be getting out of it.
“Welcome home,” I told her as we stepped into her room. I held her so she could see every part of her room. The huge unicorn that Dean Finlay had sent stood in the corner, and her little eyes kept going back to its bright colors. Grant motioned for me to sit in the glider.
“You need to rest. You can hold her, but sit while you’re doing it.”
He was back to taking care of me, and I knew after what he had been through, I had to let him. For a man who was scared of loving someone and losing them, he had grabbed on with both hands and held on tight. He hadn’t allowed me to give up. When I’d been trying so hard to open my eyes in the hospital room, I’d heard his voice. I don’t accept that I won’t get forever with you.
I hadn’t accepted it, either. At that moment, I had known I’d open my eyes. He had needed me to, and I had been ready to see our baby girl.
My sweet Lila Kate,
Today we brought you home from the hospital. I’ve been wrapped up in your beautiful face for the past week. I wasn’t there right away for you. It was just you and Daddy for the first two and a half days. But I came back. I opened my eyes. I missed your daddy, and I couldn’t wait to meet you.
We have so many things to experience together. I look forward to the day you say your first word and the day you take your first steps. I imagine your daddy and I will be a mess when we take you to your first day of kindergarten. When you tell me about your first crush. When I roll your hair for your first dance. When I see you in your cap and gown as you graduate from high school and go on to achieve great things.
But right now, I want to hold you and kiss each of your little toes. I want to read you the books I filled your room with. I look forward to our sleepless nights together and the times you spit up all over me and I have to change. Those little things won’t be a chore or difficult for me. I will embrace them, because I almost didn’t get to experience them at all.
So you take your time growing up. I don’t want to rush a thing. I want to savor every moment. The good, the messy, and the messier. Bring it on, Lila Kate, because I look forward to every minute of it.
Love you always,
Mommy
Grant
Harlow was bathing, and I was on Lila Kate duty. She was sleeping peacefully, but Harlow didn’t like for her to wake up and cry because we weren’t there. Harlow said she was scared, and she wanted to make sure we were there.
I laid the stack of letters wrapped in the red satin ribbon down in front of me on the bed. I was almost afraid to look at the descriptions on each one. I didn’t want to think about the circumstances in which I would have to read these. It hurt even to think about. But Harlow had written these letters for me.
One was labeled for the day after her funeral. One was for the first time I took care of Lila K
ate alone. One was for the day she started kindergarten. One was for the day I thought I could love again. That one I wasn’t going to be able to open, because that day would have never come. I couldn’t love someone else or even try to, because it wouldn’t have been fair to that person. In my heart, it would have always been Harlow. No one could take her place. And every time our daughter smiled up at me, I would be able to see her mother and remember the sacrifice she made so this perfect little girl could have a life.
“You’re being quiet. Are you asleep?” Harlow called out from her bath.
I picked up the letters and walked to the bathroom. She noticed them immediately, and a smile touched her lips. If I didn’t have her, these letters would have been golden. But she was here.
“Are you going to read them?” she asked.
I looked down at them and then back at her. “No,” I replied. “I don’t need to. They were for a Grant who didn’t have his Harlow. I have my Harlow. That Grant doesn’t exist. The broken, empty man you wrote these to will never exist. But I’m going to keep them. Pack them away. Maybe one day, we’ll pull them down and remember. Just not today.”
She tilted her head to the side, and a wet curl brushed her neck. “You wouldn’t have been empty. Lila Kate would have filled the emptiness I left behind.”
Maybe she would have. But she never could have made up for the fact that the women who owned my soul was gone. “Lila Kate will always be my baby girl. I will cherish and love her until the day I die. But you . . . you’re the love of my life. You’re my forever. I’ll grow old loving you.”
Harlow sighed, but it was a happy sigh. “You are a smooth talker, Grant Carter. A real smooth talker.”