~Edward Lear, ‘The Owl and the Pussycat,’~
And Other Nonsense
Crystal was a princess, and like all princesses she was indeed beautiful and rich, but not much else could be said for her, though for most people nothing else mattered so they at least were content. But Crystal was not content, she was bored and empty though she had everything royal heart could desire from splendid clothing to lavish entertainments to the company of any named person in the known world, should she wish it. She wished it, she wished something indeed, but she did not know what ‘it’ was, only that nothing seemed to satisfy; it was as if the whole world and all therein had the character of a grim, dreary day in the late fall after all the color, warmth, and cheer had fled the countryside in dread of the coming winter leaving only dull grey clouds lowering overhead, lifeless brown earth underfoot, and a bitter wind moaning in the chimney for summer lost. But such was not the character of either wind or weather, for it was late spring and the birds sang in their varied choruses, the garden was a tapestry of bud and bloom, and joyous was the sun treading the depthless blue of the heavens. Crystal looked at it all, turned from her window with a heavy sigh, and glanced disconsolately at all the books, baubles, trinkets, and wonders that littered her chambers but found no joy therein either.
With idle indifference, she took up a colorful tome from the uninteresting heap and glanced carelessly through the pages, feeling no point in the effort but ill at ease doing nothing at all. Finally, her unconscious perusal of the book brought her attention to bear for a moment upon that which she was doing, grateful for even a short escape from her dull and tedious thoughts, she focused her full attention on the pages before her. She smiled in spite of herself, for a moment recapturing the joy and wonder those tales had held for her when she was a wee mite upon her father’s knee and she knew nothing about being a Princess. People in those stories were always going out and having adventures or having such thrust upon them, there must certainly be some meaning and interest in an adventure, perhaps she ought to have one. She frowned, how did one go about having an adventure when one was a Princess, certainly no one would approve of her involvement in anything that might somehow be construed as even remotely dangerous, or worse, dirty? She smiled eagerly, then she would just have to quit being a Princess.
She called one of her handmaids to her immediately and told the girl of her grand scheme; the poor creature could only tremble in dread and terror until the Princess assured her that she would see that the servant was not held responsible for whatever was to come. With this promise, the girl began to listen more eagerly to her mistress and soon shared in her excitement as her plans unfurled. Of all the Princess’ many servants and handmaids, this dear girl was the only one with a true and noble heart, the rest were merely seeking their own advantage in the position and were ever fawning over their mistress. Claire was not a bold creature, but she never gave false praise nor shirked in her duties, but always carried them out with sincere diligence and eagerness, and would have spoken only the truth to her mistress if ever she had deigned to ask her opinion on anything. This odd behavior soon drew the Princess’ curiosity and long had she tried to puzzle out what was so strange about this particular lady-in-waiting, though she was still no closer to understanding the peculiar servant she somehow knew that of all her minions, this girl was most to be trusted. Perhaps a more prudent servant would have quickly carried word to the King of her mistress’ plans, but Claire was truehearted to her mistress even if she were not as wise as some might hope. The girl quickly agreed to aid and abet her lady, and great was her rejoicing to see that her mistress was finding interest in life at last, little thinking of the danger that might await her lady upon such a journey.
The Princess announced to everyone that she would be taking a grand tour of the world in search of a prospective husband, which greatly excited her parents, as they hoped it meant the floundering child was at last taking an interest in life, as she had not in some years. Her retainers were eager to see who would accompany her, each eager for the honor, but alas, only the least of her maids was to go with. The Royal parents did not find this part of the plan at all acceptable, which her juvenile majesty had anticipated, so allowed her parents to send an escort of four guards with her, thus satisfying their need to feel helpful in said plan. The next morning, the little entourage set out in a most satisfactory fashion, the ladies ensconced in the second best carriage and the guards riding ahead and behind as escort with a reliable though aged pair of servants to serve as footman and driver of the coach. Said Crystal to Claire, after they were safely away from the city and the noise of the carriage covered their quiet conversation, “how long have you been in my service?”
Claire thought for a moment, “five years, Majesty.”
Said the Princess eagerly, “and have you learned well the ways of the court and nobility in all that time?”
Claire’s eyes were wide with dread as she began to realize what her mistress might intend but she replied, “yes, Majesty.”
“Good,” said the Princess, “for it will soon be time to make my escape. We shall travel together as we ought until we reach the first large town outside the Kingdom and there we shall stop for the night. Upon that morrow, we shall acquire a girl to act as Lady’s maid to the Princess, only you shall don my clothes and play the part of Royalty and I shall become the seasoned handmaid. Once the girl is duly impressed with your royal heritage, you shall find some fickle excuse and dismiss me from your service. We shall go about veiled so that our dear retainers know not that they are unwittingly a part of my subterfuge. You and your new maid shall travel about from Kingdom to Kingdom and act the Princess. After a year of such travel or should you acquire a royal spouse, then let the charade end and live out the rest of your days in joy.”
Claire paled, “but Majesty! Are you never to return? Am I to take your place forever?”
Crystal looked out the window with eyes that saw something beyond sight, “I will not be returning to my former place. I left a sealed letter with the Steward and he will open it upon your return or one year hence explaining everything. I have other siblings who might assume the throne so you need not worry over that. Should you attract the attentions of a royal personage, I have left instructions for my family to proclaim you a true princess. If you do not, I have also left word that they should treat you well all the rest of your days in reward for your faithful service to me. I may return one day to visit my folk, but I cannot do so in royal guise. My future lies elsewhere from such a rich though vapid existence.”
Claire began to cry, “do not leave your faithful servant, lady!”
Crystal shook her head but smiled sadly, “it seems I do have one true friend, but alas, dear one, we must be sundered.”
Claire nodded pitifully but a look of resignation and acceptance was in her eyes. They continued on as the Princess had foretold. The girl was thus acquired and taught that Claire was the Princess and Crystal the servant; both princess and handmaid had much to learn about their new roles before they reached their first official stop in the neighboring Kingdom, but Claire was determined not to fail her mistress and soon learned that which she must. Sadly however, Crystal proved an all too poor hand at feigned servitude and her mistress was forced to send her packing before the coach arrived safely at its destination. The guards and servants said nothing, as it was a private matter between their mistress and her ladies. So it was that Crystal was left behind as the carriage rolled off towards the first stop on a year long tour of the Kingdoms of the known world. She was glad of the veil, knowing it hid her look of triumph and eagerness. Once the coach was out of sight, she gathered up her few belongings and went inside the inn where she had been abandoned by her once regal life.
She took a room, though it was very early in the day, and withdrew therein to hide from curious eyes. She changed into the plain but serviceable garments that would probably be her wardrobe for the rest o
f her life and carefully packed away her fine handmaid’s garb. Her business finished, she sat on the bed and waited for the excitement of her burgeoning adventure to overwhelm her, but all she felt was an overpowering sense of dread and an aching loneliness which she never remembered from those silly stories. She sighed deeply, but smiled ruefully, at least her heart did not lie dead and disconsolate within her. She was feeling something at least, though what, she was not at the moment sure, but it was a start. She was not exactly sure what to do with herself from now on, she had money enough to last for a year if she was careful, but eventually she would need to have a means of income. In the stories one always had something one was fleeing from or chasing after, or a man with a long beard and a pointy hat always emerged to give wisdom in the guise of a riddle at such moments, but Crystal was alone except for a little mouse in the corner searching about for crumbs. She smiled wistfully, wondering if her search was as futile as that of the wretched mouse.
Well, no sense sitting dolefully about and bemoaning what might or might not happen tomorrow when you could do something about today. She needed to eat something, to sleep well this night, and then do a bit of shopping to outfit herself for the mysterious life to come. And so she did. She took a quiet meal in the common room with no grimy but interesting persons making themselves known and at her service for her looming adventure. She slept as well as one might on a lumpy mattress in a vermin infested room on the eve of a major life change. Then she settled her bill after an unassuming breakfast and set out to do her shopping. She had never really been shopping before, in her Princess existence the seamstresses and hat makers came to her, but all that was about to change. She had observed her father and his interactions with various political rivals and had learned enough of such maneuverings that she thought she could take on the local fishmonger, at least assuming she was in the mood for fish. So she hastened out into the burgeoning day but there was nary a fishmonger in sight.
She settled for the local shop of random and necessary merchandise and set about making her purchases. Her smile became strained as she selected several very serviceable but hardly pretty dresses and a sensible pair of shoes to match; she had never owned a serviceable anything in her life! A little food, a waterskin, and a bag to carry it all rounded out her shopping spree and she set out ere noon upon the first dusty and rather warmish steps of her adventure.
Three days later, shivering and soaked to the skin, she huddled under a hedge along the road and wondered for the thousandth time what she had been thinking to leave it all behind. Apparently they left this little unpleasantness out of the stories, but any moment a handsome stranger would come along or some fairy in distress would appear and everything would be okay. No, better than okay, happily ever after! No one showed up that night, but as those annoying birds woke her from what little sleep she had managed, cold and miserable as she was, she heard the encouraging sound of carriage wheels approaching. Her heart sank, it was her own carriage come back for her. The guardsmen drew rein a little ahead of her and the carriage stopped beside the bedraggled waif. The servants and guards studiously did not look at her, save to alight and open the door for her convenience. With a resigned shrug, she entered the vehicle and it clattered off into the rising day. A relieved and rueful Claire was trying very hard not to meet the eyes of her mistress while the new girl gaped like the naive little creature she was.
Said Claire at last, “I hardly had the courage for it miss, but for your sake I was determined to try, but then not a day after we set out a messenger came from the king himself and said if I tried anything foolish, it was as much as any of our heads were worth. The Steward must have given your letter to your parents right away so we had no choice but to set out looking for you.”
“What are you not telling me?” asked Crystal as she tried very hard not to laugh hysterically, unsure if she were more relieved or embarrassed at this turn of events.
The girl swallowed hard and said, “you are also to find yourself a husband and you needn’t bother going home until you do.”
Crystal sat back and frowned, “a husband, eh?” A mischievous grin grew on her lips and she laughed, “a husband indeed!” She tapped on the side of the carriage, passed a few words to the driver, and settled back into her seat, eager to implement her plan but was soon asleep.
They stopped at midday at a wayside establishment where her Princess-ship was able to eat a good meal and make herself appear as something far more royal and rather less like a drowned beast. Afterwards, the coachman whipped up his team and they rattled off into the afternoon, seeking a swamp. Yes a swamp, a fen, a bog, a wetland, a marsh, or whatever the local authorities chose to name it, but a place where frogs could be found in abundance. If a princess needed a husband, the most expedient remedy was undoubtedly an amphibious kiss. Crystal was not fond of things aquatic and slimy, but if she must marry, she would marry as only a storybook princess could. She would kiss every frog in the world if she must, but she would prove herself the heroine of some tale or die trying, uneasily trying to recall if any poisonous frogs were native to the realm and wishing she had paid more attention to her Natural History tutor. But her unease could not last long when she discovered something rather astonishing, said she in awe, “I have a quest, a purpose, a reason for being!”
Claire stared at her with the ‘seemingly interested but not really listening’ face of passivity that comes naturally to servants in such a position and the girl beside her said eagerly (and thereby breaking every known rule of royal etiquette), “what is it mistress?”
The two elder ladies gave her an annoyed look before her Highness continued, somewhat subdued as her thunder had inadvertently been stolen by this unseemly outburst, “I will disenchant a frog prince and we will live happily ever after.”
Claire wanted to groan in agony but dutifully nodded with a wan smile on her face, “your parents will be delighted Majesty, I am certain.” Though it was clear by her tone that she herself would not. Crystal nodded as if it were the absolute truth and resumed her nap. The girl gaped anew and Claire wondered if she were doomed to spend the rest of her life slogging through nameless bogs in search of enchanted royalty. She hoped not, even a lady’s maid had her limits.
Late in the afternoon, they stopped alongside the local quagmire and the ladies disembarked. The entire party was put to work herding frogs towards her Majesty’s wondrous kisses and chasing the disgruntled losers back into the bog. After kissing two hundred and nine unique frogs, something finally happened: the sun set and they were forced to retire for the night. Claire mused idly that she should have left her Majesty to her own devices and gone back for her appointment with the headsman. As the others crawled wearily into bed, the handmaid crept out into the darkness to make her own arrangements.
The next morning found a rather impatient and quite irate bureaucratic functionary awaiting her Highness as she went out to the fen to continue her amphibious interludes. Said the Official Secretary of Marshes, Watercourses, and Similar Environs, “madam, just what do you think you are doing? This is a respectable Kingdom and our frogs are respectable frogs. No sorceress is allowed to turn a Prince into a frog without a permit and such a permit has not been granted in ages! Nor is it proper etiquette to kiss any amphibious creature without a proper introduction. This behavior might be permissible in your benighted homeland but it will land you in jail in this enlightened realm!”
Crystal sighed, “where then am I to find a proper Prince?”
Said the secretary in a far more smug, but less irate tone, “come to my lecture on ‘the Proper Protocols for Introducing Oneself to Freshwater Fishes and their Allies,’ this afternoon and you will undoubtedly find your Prince.” He bowed himself out and went his way. Claire for a moment regretted her hasty actions but assured herself this lecture could not possibly be worse than kissing frogs. The look on the Princess’ face said otherwise.
So it was that they we
nt to the lecture and met any number of third and fifth sons of royal birth but equally obscure destiny. And finally Crystal found her true purpose in life: attending lectures with cumbersome titles and very little useful content with other disaffected noble offspring and forcing her parents to pay obscenely for the privilege, which they grudgingly did because it seemed to keep her out of trouble. Hey, it beats kissing a frog! Or so Claire told herself as she took leave of her lady, now happily ensconced in the predecessor to modern universities, and went her way, so utterly tired of royalty and adventure and amphibians that she married the most mundane and unexciting man she could find and settled down to raise a family and potatoes and thus did someone in this irrational story live rather contentedly ever after.
Three wise men of Gotham,
Went to sea in a bowl,
And if the bowl had been stronger,
My song had been longer.