Chapter 6/Life really sucks
Selah felt exhausted when the alarm woke her the next morning, she remembered Caleb and all he had taught her, she must have been with him for a long time because she felt as if she had only slept an hour or so. She pulled herself from under her covers, and mindlessly got under the spray of hot water in the shower, as she slowly felt her body wake. She hoped she would hear from her dad soon, her mom’s test would tell them how bad it truly was, and maybe she could make a complete recovery after rehab
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Peter arrived at the hospital having stayed at the lodge; it was an inexpensive place for anyone with a family member in the hospital. He had met a few different people last night in the dining room a husband, his wife dying of cancer and a couple their daughter had been born with a heart defect. He felt hopeful that Diana would recover… she was in much better shape than some… Eve had even been tolerable, being pleasantly quiet instead of droning on incessantly.
He had stopped at Tim Horton’s and picked up a large coffee, he had been living off the stuff since Friday night…she had her eyes closed, sleeping he thought. Eve stayed with her, as Peter sauntered over to the nurse’s station to inquire about her night.
When he spotted a petite nurse in her late twenties, “Hi my wife is Diana Jones in 410, I was just wondering how her night was, nothing serious happen right?” offering a smile as he sipped his coffee.
The nurse named Leslie, by her badge, suddenly looked anxious; she looked down on a chart ignoring Peter.
“Excuse me. I’m inquiring for my wife, Diana Jones room 410.” He let the anger linger in his words.
She glanced quickly at him “The Doctor will be in soon.” She rose and went to the back of the nurses’ station dismissing him.
Peter frustrated by her answer stared at her back for a minute before going back to her room…what did that mean, hadn’t she had a good night?
Peter went back to sit beside Diana, she seemed fine, or at least unchanged from when they had left her the night before. He sipped his coffee not wanting to alarm Eve to the nurse’s response. Diana was as unchanged as when they had left, it looked as if she had never moved all night, and he felt cramps squeeze his guts tight. He rose and barely made it to the washroom, something wasn’t right.
As he entered the hospital room again after his sudden exit, Eve gave him a troubled look, he never met her eyes. He automatically said he had been drinking too much coffee, as Eve settled back in her chair, accepting his response.
They hadn’t been there fifteen minutes when Peter saw the Doctor arrive at the nurse’s station, his stomach began to pain him once more, he watched as the doctor sat and looked over some patients chart, Peter began to say a silent prayer.
Dr. Timmins hated this part of his job, he looked over the patients chart, it was out of his hands, they didn’t need to go forward with the CAT scan, the MRI spelled it out very clearly, and he had to tell her family.
As he entered her hospital room he saw the look of despair on the husband’s face, he most likely suspected the worse, it still didn’t make his job any easier, Peter, his name was Peter, “Mr. Jones I have the results from the MRI, Diana had yesterday,” he spoke softly.
Peter looked up at his face, and knew his suspicions were correct but had to ask anyway, “I thought we would only get the results after both test.” Desperately hoping it would show different results.
“I looked over the MRI and there’s no need for both test, your wife, Diana has a very large brain tumour in her left occipital region, it’s location is what has cause her stroke, I’m afraid there isn’t a whole lot we can do to help her, the nurses found her completely nonresponsive last night when they tried to give her meds by mouth. I’m afraid she’s already passed the point…it’s actually a miracle that she has made it this long…the size of her tumour is immense, she must have been having headaches for quite some time…
Peter heard Eve sobbing silently in the corner, he felt as if he was hearing her in another room, they were wrong…his Di would recover…he stumbled towards her still form on the bed… “Diana baby, it’s me, wake up you can hear me, I’m right here…just wake up, show him that everything is going to be just fine…he’s wrong please Diana, please wake up.”
Dr. Timmins felt his heart break as Peter kept trying to wake up Diana, he gave him all the space he could, the minutes passed until Peter finally gave up spent, somewhat accepting the inevitable…
“Peter, I have arranged for you both to be transported back home by ambulance, her time left is short, she most likely won’t wake, you should call the family, it’s better to have a strong support group in times like these…
Peter was numb, Diana was his support, no one else, and he said nothing as the tears streamed down his face…
Eve clutched his shoulder, “I make all the phone calls ok Pete, don’t worry about anything,” she had found a moment of strength.
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Selah heard her name announced on the loud speaker at school, she was to report to the office immediately. She walked down the corridor, it felt like the longest walk of her life; her instincts were screaming at her, something wasn’t right. When she finally
reached the office door and saw Jacob sitting in a chair, before the secretary’s desk, her heart fell.
Jacob turned and saw Selah; his eyes welled up with tears. The principal stepped out of his office and ushered them in. “I’m afraid it’s not good news your aunt Eve called they want you both at the hospital right away, your mom’s not doing well…”
Selah resisted the urge to leave immediately, as her every breath was telling her to run, she forced herself to listen to everything he said, staying calm for Jacob.
“…you two take all the time you need, I’ll contact all your teachers, and perhaps you have some friends who could bring any missed assignments.”
Selah politely asked him if they could go see their mom now, she robotically walked to the car, and drove to the hospital, praying it was all a mistake the whole way.
When she found her mom’s room, it was deathly quiet; her dad was holding her hand unaware of their presence. Her mom looked as if she were sleeping peacefully.
Jacob bawled and held onto her tightly, becoming the little boy he had been so desperately trying to outgrow. Her mom didn’t blink or twitch, her aunt grabbed Selah’s hand, “She in a coma honey, there’s nothing more they can do…she doesn’t have much time left…”
Selah felt herself fill up with rage, towards this women holding her hand… “How can you say that, you don’t know that, she’ll wake up, she’s only 40…she’s too young to die…” as she violently pulled her hand from hers. As soon as the words had left her mouth she wanted to take them back…
Peter couldn’t bring himself to comfort his children, he was lost. The ride home in the ambulance had let him sink into a self-pitying despair, he only was aware of his own pain and burning desire to just drink it all away…
They all remained together, all was very solemn in the room, the local priest stopped and gave Diana her last rights, then around supper time Diana took her last breath and passed rather peacefully, seemingly in no pain…it was the smallest of comforts…
Selah felt like a silent ball of fury…this wasn’t supposed to happen…She was supposed to have her mom around to talk to, to lean on…
The Jones men looked identical, lost in thought oblivious to anyone other than themselves…they all slowly made their way home, all together but separate.
Daniel had been trying to get a hold of Selah, he tried one more time hoping thing were alright…
Selah heard her phone ring, she had shut it off out of respect, at the hospital. She answered woodenly, “Hello?”
As soon as he heard her voice Daniel knew things weren’t ok. “Selah, hi, it’s me, Daniel, how are things?”
Selah looked at her dad as he poured himself another straight up whiskey, trying to drown himself in the bottle, h
er aunt Eve was on the phone frantically making arrangements for the funeral…the only one even slightly aware of what was really happening. She wanted to just crawl into some hole somewhere and pretend it was all a nightmare…
“Selah, are you there?” Daniel wished he could reach thru the phone to her. “I’m coming over ok, I’ll be right there.”
Selah mumbled something that was barely legible and hung up the phone, she grabbed her coat and went outside and sat on the porch, it was bitter cold out, she didn’t mind though… she was just grateful to actually feel something. She wondered why she had come outside…something told her she was waiting for someone…
He found her there a few minutes later, her lips blue, her fingers were numb, and she was completely unaware of where she was… as if she wasn’t even there…
He brought her inside, rubbing her hands trying to warm her up, and let her blood circulate. It was eerily quiet, he saw a blanket thrown over the back of the couch, he took off both their jackets, he wrapped her in his arms and covered them both, as he began to rock her gently…he wondered what had happened, why she was like this…
Selah whispered two words, “She’s gone…”
Daniel said nothing, he understood, the tears rolled down his face, as they held each other, rocking slowly…
The few days following Diana’s death were a blur in Selah’s memory she was somewhat aware of Daniel never leaving her side, the funeral had been extremely difficult it seemed to bring the reality of the whole situation crashing down like a ton of bricks, her dad had been nursing a bottle as if it was a life line, he had distanced himself more and more…while Jacob had become cold and withdrawn…they were all dealing with their grief differently.
Tracy had been a steadfast pillar and seemed the only one whom Jacob confided in…Selah had felt the same about Daniel, they hadn’t said much, it was an unspoken understanding between them, he knew when she was ready it would all come out.
The endless amount of mourners at Diana’s funeral told Selah how much she wasn’t the only one who thought her mom was amazing, they all hugged her sending her sympathies as if it would take the pain away, she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs that this couldn’t be happening… but a little voice in her head held her back, together.
Daniel watched as Selah went thru the motions at the funeral, he could feel how frustrated she was…her dad had completely checked out, Daniel wanted to punch him in the face… hoping he would wake up and be there for his children. He said nothing knowing grief was terrible for everyone, and not every dealt with it the same. If it had been Selah in that coffin he would probably be worse off than Peter…
Selah hadn’t been to school in over a week, she had been having nightmares about the whole thing, she could picture her mom in the coffin being eaten by different bugs and all sorts of creepy crawly things. She had woken up and cried uncontrollably into her pillow until she had no tears left. She was just coming to terms with the fact that her mom was gone and wouldn’t be around for any of the important things, prom, and graduation. If she had children she wouldn’t even have anyone to ask when they had their first teeth, or took their first steps and walked. She had so much more to learn from her, she was so angry now she resented all these people who still had a mom and constantly complained about it, she makes me clean my room, she’s always on my case about something, and Selah would have given her right arm to hear her mom complain about anything, life just wasn’t fair anymore.
Daniel had helped her so much he knew exactly what she was going thru; it was rewinding time for him though, it had brought back so many painful memories, when his dad had been sick. He had been her rock ,she leaned on him constantly, at the funeral he had never left her side Selah had wished she could of just hidden herself away and not faced anyone, she hadn’t even known what to say to people at the wake as they hugged her and mumbled words she could barely understand she thought they were saying one thing until Daniel had clarified they were expressing their sympathies, she had been telling everyone “And you too,” thinking it was a good response to whatever they were saying.
Daniel had written her the nicest letter; he had dug down deep into his own suffering and tried to make her see all she had already received from her mom, and how it had helped to mold her into who she was today. It had made her cry; she had tucked it under her pillow and took it out to read in the moments of utter sadness. She was so grateful to have him, she wondered if some higher power had given him to her as he took away her mom, as a consolation prize of something.
She had no interest whatsoever in her studies or anyone at school, she had kept in contact with Thomas, and he had come to visit a few times. She had found it extremely awkward; the tension between Daniel and Thomas was so thick at times you could cut it with a knife.
It was getting old fast, she understood that Thomas was protective of her, and Daniel, well Daniel had stepped into the role of her protector from the very beginning. If left to choose Daniel would win hands down, he had an uncanny ability to make her feel light as air.
Daniel had even told her how she had made the badminton team, and the coach had given them permission to go practice in the evenings at school. Selah was very glad to put everything she had into each game, she had been having a lot of trouble sleeping, she still had visions of her mother in her coffin, creepy crawly things all over the place… well needless to say sleep was long coming after that…she had begun to bring Gunner in bed with her, he own personal protector, too bad he sounded as if he was cutting wood all night.
After her first night playing badminton with Daniel, she felt physically tired for the first time, as she lay in bed, her thoughts drifted to everything that had happened in the past few weeks. She suddenly remembered Caleb, he had told her recently deceased souls went to the parallel, and she knew she had to find him, she had to know…
She had a lot of difficulty relaxing, she tried desperately with no results, finally she slowed her breathing and imagined each part of her body separately letting go. She was drifting as she imagined herself at the beach where they had sat and talked. The beach materialized before her eyes, but Caleb wasn’t there…she went to her swing set in the park, still no Caleb, she began to panic now, she had forgotten to meet him, he was gone.
Selah jumped from one location to another, searching for Caleb…she decided to go to her favorite spot, she saw all the million lights…she had found her mom`s dreams before, maybe she could again without Caleb.
Daniel floated high above her, he was so high even if she looked up she wouldn`t recognize him. His heart was breaking for her as he watched her search endlessly…
Selah saw one star it was calling her to it …she thought of only one thing…her mom.
Selah was outside her house, it was a beautiful day, her mom’s gardens were blooming here already, the dazzling colors and smells filled Selah`s senses, she would be here she just knew it.
She saw that all the flowers were in bloom even the ones that bloomed in different seasons, all the lilies she so loved, the Orientals, with their intense aromas, even the daffodils and tulips. The hydrangeas and spirea along with the euonymus shrubs, the thyme, and dragon`s blood sedum. She had never seen anything so beautiful, as she headed toward the side of the house, to the koi pond.
She remembered the spring her mom and dad had worked endlessly digging to put the pond in, she had been obsessed, with koi fish, saying they had magical powers, she had read it somewhere. By the end of summer she had delicately infused the pond with five of them, one black with a blue sapphire back, one a pale pink, another with a bright yellow head and last but not least the orange and pale blue one.
They were very shy and you had to sit on the rock next to the pond for a long time before they felt safe and ventured out. If they caught any kind of movement they would dash under a plant out of sight. Selah had never had too much patience to sit there, waiting.
There she was as still as could be staring into the p
ond, Selah felt her heart fill with joy at seeing her mom again; she looked just as she always did, before the stroke. She slowly crept towards her, intend on not scaring the fish, she could see them swimming from plant to plant, nibbling on something.
She noticed how her mom was just as bright as all her flowers, full of life and color, she tripped and realized her mom hadn`t noticed. She had to talk to her, she missed her so much…she sat next to her on the rock, it was as if she wasn`t there he mom hadn`t taken her eyes off the pond.
Selah said her name repeatedly, her mom was completely unaware of Selah`s presence next to her. Selah then did something she couldn`t resist, she grabbed a hold of her hand, and prayed for her mom to see her.
Diana had been watching the fish; she was very content it was so peaceful here. She felt something pulling her, her hand felt as if it were burning hot. She glanced down and saw another hand holding her`s, confusion clouded her thoughts…what was going on?
Selah let her tears flow unrestricted, she had found her…her mom turned towards her she looked through her not seeing…
Selah took her other hand and brushed her cheek lightly “Mom can you hear me, it’s Selah, it’s me mom.”
Diana felt as if she were waking from a drugged sleep, Selah was with her she saw…”Selah honey what are you doing here? How did you find me?” Selah hugged her tightly never wanting to let go, Diana spoke softly, “don’t worry honey everything is
going to be fine, you’ll see. Remember that pretty quilt you helped me sew that belonged
to your grandmother? All the pretty colors that were intertwined in the fabric, it was so beautiful. Do you remember Sel?”
Selah couldn’t figure why her mom was talking about that old thing, she wanted to ask her so much…
“Just different kinds of threads, it’s truly amazing what you can create with different thread, don’t you agree. There’s so many different patterns, don’t worry Selah your strong, you’re going to make your very own quilt, so much more beautiful than that one…your so talented, everything I did was for you…”
Selah tears dried on her cheeks, why wouldn’t she stop talking about that, “Mom, I need you and dad and Jacob too…dad’s drinking and I can’t even talk with him, everything is so messed up since you left…”
Selah saw her mom’s expression go blank as if she didn’t understand or hear her, her arms went limp and she began staring endlessly in the pond again…Selah felt her frustrations rising she wanted to shake her awake…she twisted her body so she faced her head on, just as she was about to grab her by the shoulders to shake the life out of her…
She felt everything ripple and her view changed dramatically, as Caleb stood before her mad as hell, “What the hell do you think you’re doing, are you freaking crazy!”
Selah confused that things had changed so quickly, ignored him trying to go back to her mom, her legs seemed glued to the ground. “Let me go Caleb, you don’t understand my mom just died, I have to be with her…let me go,” as she struggled to get herself free.
“Did you listen to nothing I told you, or are you just plain stupid? Yeah that must be it,” he noticed his words were hitting a nerve as she was getting pissed at him.
“I’m not stupid you ass, maybe you didn’t hear me MY MOM JUST DIED, can you understand that, she’s here I was just with her.” If she could have reached out and punched him she would have knocked him flat, she was so furious.
He shook his head slowly, “Oh yeah that’s right and you two were having a great conversation about what to cook for supper right, she confirmed that you were gonna grow up and be a big girl now…” he looked disgusted with her.
Selah stopped struggling her emotions suddenly crushing her as she crumpled to the ground, “She was there I saw her, she held me for a minute, please let me see her again, Caleb, please.”
Caleb knelt down beside her, “It’s not the same, Selah it will just hurt you more, the woman you were with is just like a memory of her, there’s no future there, just pain. You have to let her go; it’s for the best, trust me on this.”
It felt to Selah as if her mom had died all over again, she wished, she wished she didn’t feel so alone…she felt Caleb’s hold on her vanish. She saw her room appear, she was on her bed, she then concentrated hard closing her eyes, when she opened them she saw Daniel sitting on the side of her bed, and he had his arms open. She crawled into his waiting embrace.
Caleb felt her discard him like dirty laundry, he followed her trail, and watched as she called Daniel to her…he watched Daniel comfort her while he slowly seethed with jealousy. Their time was limited; he would make sure of that.