Chapter 11:
I opened my eyes and it was still light outside. I was no longer at the breakfast table, but curled up on my bed. I sat up in a panic and looked at my wrists. The cuts were gone and so were the scars. I stared at them harder, waiting for them to suddenly reappear. After my eyes started to feel dry and irritated, I finally blinked. The noise of running water reached my ears. The shower was running. Confusion swept over me as I looked myself over and I was in my black negligee.
I tried to make it all make sense. Had I fallen asleep? Was my mother home and she just didn’t want to disturb me? How did I get in the black negligee? I looked over at the clock on the nightstand and it stood at nine thirty a.m. It was earlier than when we had got home from the hospital. How was that possible?
All of the sudden, the shower cut off and there was no more sound of running water. I brought my knees up to my chest. This was too much. What was real? Was this real? Tears of frustration poured down my cheeks and all I could do was stare at the bathroom door and wait for what was going to come out. Would it be my mom? Would it be a monster?
The door opened and I held my breath. Andrew strolled out casually, a beige towel wrapped around his waist. His wet hair swayed sloppily around his face as he walked over to the closet and grabbed a pair of jeans and a black T-shirt. He walked into the bedroom and stopped short at the sight of me.
“Torey, baby, what’s wrong?” He said; his face filling with concern.
Sobs ripped from my throat as my heart shattered to pieces. All healing that had taken place while I had been in the psychiatric wing disappeared. I did not even contemplate answering. Maybe if I quit playing along with these hallucinations they would just stop. It was so real though. I wanted it to be real. I wanted this to be the real reality.
Andrew started walking towards me and sat next to me on the bed. He took me into his arms. His skin was warm from the shower. I had missed the comfort of those arms for so long. “Baby, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
I was paralyzed at first; afraid to feel what I was feeling. “I miss you,” I whispered to the hallucination. I took in the smell of his shampoo through my nostrils. My insides twisted in agony in response. I gave in, letting the illusion consume me. I ran my hands across his slightly moist skin. I leaned my head on his shoulder, littering it with tears.
He placed his hands on my face and looked at me with a quixotic smile, “What’s there to miss? I am right here? You look so shaken up. What’s wrong?”
I forced myself to smile back and I nodded. “I am sorry; I just had a really bad nightmare. It just really seemed real. I haven’t quite recovered yet I guess.” I prayed for those words to be true. How glorious it would be if it all had been a nightmare.
He raised one eyebrow at me skeptically and then replied, “Well, get dressed. Let’s go to breakfast and you can tell me all about it if you want ok?” He stood up, walked over to the dresser to get a pair of boxers and socks, and then started to get dressed. I decided that I would roll with whatever this was and do the same.
I walked over to the closet and stopped to look over at Andrew’s outfit. Who knew what month it was or what the weather was like in this reality? I chose out a pair of jeans and a jewel blue short sleeved silk shirt. I walked into the bathroom, leaving the door open in fear that I would open it back up and everything would be different if I closed it. I brushed my teeth and quickly pulled my hair back into a ponytail. I walked out of the bathroom and felt relieved to see Andrew still standing there.
“Are you ready to go?” He asked, smiling brightly.
“Yes,” I replied.
We put on our shoes and left the house. His silver Mazda once again sat next to my red Honda. I sat down in the passenger side seat and closed the door. Andrew shut his door and started the car. I prayed that this reality would last. I wasn’t sure how much more my already frazzled brain could take.
As we pulled out of the driveway, Andrew looked over at me and asked where I wanted to go for breakfast. I brushed a stray stand of hair off of his cheek and behind his ear and told him that he could take me anywhere and I would be happy, and it was true. I just wanted to enjoy however many minutes I had been given in heaven before I slipped off into some new hell.
We got to Esther’s Café and parked. We got out of the car and he took my hand as we walked up to the restaurant together. A radiant smile formed at my lips. It was something so normal, something couples did every day. At this moment though, it meant more to me than anything.
We walked into the restaurant and seated ourselves at one of the cheaply made cafeteria style tables. The turquoise walls and beachy decorations gave the café a tacky, but comfortable feel. We had been here a million times. They had the best breakfast at the beach despite the less than glamorous interior.
The waitress walked up, a wise looking lady in her mid-forties. She wore an Esther’s T-shirt and khaki shorts. Her bleached blonde hair was pulled back into a neat bun. “Can I get y’all something to drink?”
“I will have coffee and water please,” I said cheerfully.
“I will have the same,” Andrew chimed in.
I could not help but stare at him. I wasn’t going to waste even a second. I could not escape the dreadful sensation that it would not be long before I would wake up somewhere else, somewhere depressing. How long would it be before the walls of my beautiful dream would come crashing down revealing the emptiness that awaits me in the future where he no longer existed?
He grinned at me as he realized I was staring at him. “Do I have something on my face or something?” he laughed.
I just shook my head, laughing as well. “No, nothing like that.”
“Well what is it then? You’re looking at me like you have never seen my face before.”
“I know it doesn’t make sense to you, but it just feels like it’s been months since I have seen your face. I am just enjoying the view. You are so beautiful, did you know that,” I said, looking down bashfully.
“You are the queen of cheesy you know that? That must have been some nightmare you had,” he said teasingly. His eyes glowed. His goofy smile was contagious and I could feel a grin spreading in response.
The waitress returned with our coffee. “Do you know what you would like?” she asked politely.
I realized that I hadn’t even looked at the menu. Andrew gave his order and I decided to just have what he was having. The waitress walked away and I let myself get lost in his face once again. I took his warm hand in mine and smiled at him worshipfully. Maybe this was real. Maybe it had been a nightmare. I started to relax.
We ate our breakfast and he chatted about our plans for the day. He wanted to go to Blockbuster and pick up some movies. He said we could spend the day curled up on the couch and just watch movies. I loved the idea. I didn’t care about the outside world. I was content to be lost in this day for eternity if I could be granted such a thing.
After we paid the bill we headed to Blockbuster. We scanned through the shelves and he walked up to me grinning, holding the new Jet Li flick. I couldn’t help but laugh under my breath. It amazed me how I could predict his choices. I held up the newest slasher flick and he gave me a look of playful disapproval. He always hated horror movies, but sometimes he would suffer through one just for me.
“When are you going to stop watching all of that plotless nonsense?” He teased.
“Never! You should just give in and learn to like it,” I said, grinning mockingly.
I wrapped my arms around his slender waist and was relieved when I pulled away that we were still in Blockbuster and that he was still standing there. We made our way to the register and paid for our movies. We drove back to the house, hand in hand. I could not recall ever being so happy. How many perfect days like this had I taken for granted? How many other people out there were having these kinds of days and taking them for granted? I was wiser now though. I had been strung through hell and back and I would never take not even one br
eath for granted. I was so grateful that I seriously doubted there would be any way that he could stir me into any argument. I would happily sit at the house and never go out again. Bars, nightlife, none of it meant anything anymore. I would do it right this time.
We pulled up to the house and I sighed happily. Andrew looked over at me and raised a questioning eyebrow, but the just smiled and shook his head. “You are so weird,” he said in an exaggerated voice.
“I know, and that’s why you love me,” I said in a cutesy tone.
We walked into the house and Andrew walked over to the DVD player and popped in the Jet Li movie. Suddenly, I could feel the coffee weighing down on my bladder. I stared down the hallway in fear. The last thing I wanted to do was to walk into that bathroom. A chill moved down my spine as I thought about the possibility of walking out and Andrew being gone again. I was sure that it would send me over the edge. I wouldn’t be able to handle it again.
I tried to sit through the movie, doing my best to ignore my urgency. When it finally reached the point of being unbearable, I reasoned with myself. I wouldn’t be able to avoid bathrooms forever. They were a part of life. I looked over at Andrew and shriveled a little on the inside. I grabbed his face and his eyes looked surprised momentarily before I bore down on his lips feverishly.
When I moved my face away from his he looked breathless. “What was that all about? Do kung fu flicks do something for you that you never told me about before?”
“I just love you is all. I will be right back,” I said, faking a smile as I walked toward the bathroom.
He smirked and shook his head and sighed, “Weird.”
I let out a little nervous laugh, “I know, I know.”
I walked down the hallway as if I was walking on eggshells. I reached the door and looked back down the hall at Andrew. He was engrossed in the film once more. I pressed the door in gently as I turned the doorknob and moved a shaky hand toward the light switch. I flipped the switch and flinched, almost expecting something terrible to happen. When I opened my eyes, it was just my bathroom. There was no glass on the cream tile, no blood either. There was no water running. There was nothing abnormal about it what so ever. I sighed. I relieved myself, washed my hands, and the turned the light off as I went to exit the bathroom.
When I entered the hallway I was border lining ecstatic to see Andrew was still sitting on the couch, watching Jet Li beat the bad guys’ faces in from the sounds of it. I smiled. Maybe this was the real reality. He did not look up as I reached the end of the hallway. The movie must have reached the climax. Then something distracted me in my peripheral vision.
I looked over and there she was, her lovely young face radiated with happiness. Her chocolate hair bounced with every stride. She did not look as fancy as she had in the fortress. She wore a worn pair of light jeans and a black hooded sweatshirt. Her makeup was very plain. None the less I was absolutely positive it was her. It was Ameda. My jaw dropped in disbelief.
“What the fuck are you doing in my house?” I screamed.
She didn’t even look over at me. She sat next to Andrew and he looked over at her and smiled as placed his arm around her. My stomach turned and my heart raced. I looked back and forth at the both of them in disbelief. “Andrew, what the FUCK!? What are you doing? Why is this bitch in my house?”
He still didn’t look up at me and neither did she. I could feel the heat of anger rising to my face. I stood in front of the television as to block his view and screamed again, “Answer me!” He did not move a muscle.
I walked over to slap him, but my hand just passed through him. I backed away in horror. I looked at my hand. It seemed solid enough. I reached out to touch him again, but my hand just slid through his shoulder. I let my arm fall back to my side, standing helpless looking upon their happy faces. I refused to try to make sense of it any longer. My dream had become a nightmare once more. I sunk to my knees and cried as I stared at their happy faces. This was the truth. This was real. I was forgotten. I was insignificant. She was his everything now. What did it matter anymore?
I placed my head in my hands and just cried. I did not care what I was to open my eyes to next. I didn’t care anymore. I had set myself up anyway. It is so easy to allow yourself to get carried away when you want to believe, when you want it to be real. Wasn’t that true in all realities? Everyone always wants to delude themselves into believing the best and least painful option, when the truth is never that happy and never that glamorous.
I felt a tap on my shoulder. I didn’t bother looking up. What was the use? If I just stayed where I was, if I just waited it out, I wouldn’t have to bother getting my hopes anymore. Maybe I had successfully slit my wrists and killed myself. Maybe this was my eternal punishment, to be pushed from nightmare to nightmare. I couldn’t say that I didn’t deserve it.