Chapter 12:
“Torey sweetie?” my mother’s concerned voice called from above me.
I just shook my head and continued to cry. “Ok, I am going to call the doctor,” she said in a low shaken voice as she turned to leave. I grabbed her wrist before she could leave the room and looked up at her. I was scared. I was scared to breathe. I scared to move. I was scared to speak. I looked my mother over and she was in the same sundress as before. I could smell barbeque drifting from the hallway. I looked down and I was nude again. My towel was crumpled up at my side. It was the first time that I had returned to the same reality twice. I hoped that it meant something.
“Wait. I am sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” I said as apologetically as possible.
She looked at me, her face full of worry, “What happened? Why are you sitting on the floor like this crying?”
I thought over the possibility of explaining what happened, but I would be sent right back to the psychiatric wing at Holy Cross and I didn’t want that even if that was what was best. “The memories were just a little overwhelming is all. I didn’t mean to be so melodramatic. I am fine, really. I’ll get dressed and we’ll eat ok?”
She looked at me, unconvinced. I pleaded with her with my eyes. Her face softened and she nodded, walking back toward the living room. I wrapped the towel around me and walked into my bedroom. I put on my bathing suit and sundress once more. This time there was no shattering of glass, no pain, and no bleeding. I walked out into the living room and the photos were still put away. I sighed gratefully. I walked over to the breakfast table where my mother sat, separating the food containers.
She looked up at me and smiled. “I got you smoked turkey. I hope that is ok.”
I nodded as I took a seat next to her. We ate in silence for the most part. I shoved the turkey, green beans, and sweet potatoes in my mouth thoughtlessly. My mind wandered. I wondered how long it would be now. Would I flip into a new channel of existence? Would it ever come to a rest? How could I ever start rebuilding by life if my life was never the same for more than a few moments, with the exception of my visit to the psychiatric wing?
We finished up and my mother cleaned up, whistling some happy tune. She was always cheerful, always animated. I imagined what she must have been like when she was my age. While I resembled her and reflected her kind hearted nature, I had never been a bright eyed optimist. I wondered if it were possible that maybe I could be someday.
“Do you still want to go to the boardwalk?” I asked her, hope in my every word.
“I’m up for it if you are,” she smiled.
“I’ll drive,” I said enthusiastically. I couldn’t help but feel some sort of excitement. Reality or not, I loved to drive. I loved to blare my music and feel the wind rush through my hair when I had the windows down.
We gathered our possessions and headed out to the car after I locked up the house. We walked to the carport and I slipped the keys into my candy apple red Honda. My pulse raced. I unlocked the doors and my mother and I slipped into our seats. The leather seats were warm and inviting. A smile played at my lips. I turned the key and started the car, my CD player blaring. My mother reached up and covered her ears. I quickly adjusted the volume and we were on our way.
I felt like a teenager as the sound of distorted guitars and booming double bass surrounded me. The warm breeze blew the blonde tendrils of my hair around my face. We passed some twenty-something year old guys walking down the sidewalk and they smiled at me. I couldn’t help but smile. It strangely felt like in that moment everything might be ok.
We reached the public lot for the boardwalk. I found a space in the crowded lot and became truly excited. I couldn’t wait to feel the warm sand on my feet and let the water rush over them. I wanted to walk past all of the brightly painted tourist traps. Maybe I would even get some ice cream.
My mother and I crossed the busy beachfront street. Sporty cars passed by, their bass vibrating the ground we walked upon. Guys adorned in expensive sunglasses and silk button up shirts scanned the streets for girls to shout perverse things at. Girls in bikinis, skirts, and too-high sandals walked in groups, laughing. Reggae poured out of the local bars and the smell of chicken wings floated through the air. Spring was in full swing.
We reached the boardwalk and started walking down the length of it. I smiled as I saw people on long boards with dogs coming down the boardwalk, and couples walked hand in hand in nothing but swim suits. It was all familiar and it felt like home. For some reason it also felt like hope.
A small ramp led down into the sand and I ran, overly excited. I squealed like a child as my feet hit the sand, causing a cloud of sand to swirl about me. I ran to the water and splashed my feet in the tidal waters. My mother walked after me, smiling and laughing. I returned her smiles and laughter.
When my mother caught up with me, we decided to take a walk. I watched seagulls scavenge from above and sandpipers run through the sand. I tried to ignore the surfers in the water, afraid of the pain that they would bring if they conjured a memory.
“So what is your plan now?” My mother asked, breaking the silence.
“Well, I am going to try to get a new job, for starters. Then, I guess the main goal is to get my life back together. I can’t hide from life. It’s going on whether I want it to or not. I mean, he’s not sitting waiting, why should I be?” I said, a hint of resentment shadowing my words.
“That’s a very good way of looking at it,” she mused. “Well I am going to stay a while. I just want to make sure that you’re ok. You’ve been through a lot and I don’t like the thought of you being alone in that house.”
I thought of arguing with her and then changed my mind. The company wouldn’t hurt. Maybe if she stayed longer, I could get past the hallucinations. Hopefully the one that I had earlier was the last. There was a very real possibility that if I had one of the episodes while she was there that it could land me back in the hospital, but if I was that bad off, maybe that would be what I needed as much as I didn’t like the idea.
After walking for quite some time, we made our way back to the car. I was much more relaxed. The beach had calmed me. “Can we come back tomorrow?” I asked my mother, smiling hopefully.
“Sure,” she replied with a smile.
We piled back into the car and we were headed back to the house. I lost myself in the streetlights and the music once again. I looked forward to getting home and vegging out in some comfortable pajamas. I was exhausted.
We got home and I walked straight back to the room and threw on my comfortable old maroon pajama pants with a tank top. I didn’t care if it was only midafternoon. I was ready to call it a day, assuming of course that I was within the confines of reality.
I walked out into the living room and decided I needed something that I could stare mindlessly at. I looked through the DVD cases that littered the top of my TV. I picked out a Will Farrell movie, knowing that any time I watched one of his films, they lifted my spirits. I curled myself up on the couch and my mother came to join me.
We watched as the story unfolded on the screen. I laughed as Will Farrell humorously portrayed a racecar driver that had taken a long fall after being overly proud and had forsaken his best friend. A small sadness crept through my chest as I thought of the parallels of the plot to my own life. I shook my head and laughed at myself. It was ridiculous to think in such a way.
I went through movie after movie. They slowly lulled me into a state of complete relaxation. Nothing extreme had happened. When I went to the bathroom, I was relieved to walk out to the same setting I had left. Finally it was late and I made my way to bed, kissing my mother on the cheek goodnight as I handed her a pillow and a blanket.
I climbed into my bed and allowed myself to sink into the mattress. The pillow felt nice against my face. I was in my room and it was a welcomed change from the stiffness of my bed in the psychiatric wing. I allowed myself to drift off even though in the corner of my mind, I feared wha
tever waited me in my subconscious.
The waves crashed on the dark shore. The moonlight reflected off the ocean surface. The sand was wet and cool as I walked. Stars were scattered across the nighttime sky. My light blue sundress flapped in the warm evening breeze. I smiled. I felt no fear here.
The wet shells glittered like jewels in the sand as the water ran over them and then back out away from the shore. I liked the way the small ones crunched underneath the pressure of my feet. I had been walking a long time, but I wasn’t tired. I never wanted to leave this moment or lose this feeling. It was purely serene. There were no nightmares. There were no people. It was just me and the peace of the ocean.
I knew that I had thought my last thought to soon because a dark figure walked toward me in the distance. I did not need to guess who it would be. I had grown used to the theme of my dreams. Funny that I knew I was dreaming and still did not wake up.
Andrew closed the distance between us and stood in front of me, unsurprised as if he knew I would be here. He wore his black and white board shorts and a white T-shirt. His brown chin length hair blew in the breeze. I didn’t speak. I decided it would just be best to wait it out until I woke up. No point in hurting myself again.
“Hi,” he said, smiling at me.
I stood there just staring at him, not saying anything. I closed my eyes tight and hoped to wake up to the sight of my bedroom. I opened them to the same beach scene, the same beautiful vision of Andrew.
The corners of his mouth turned down into a frown. “Why aren’t you saying anything?”
I still gave him no reply. I would no longer be part of this charade. I would not let the twisted distortions of my brain make me victim any longer.
“Torey, talk to me, please?” He said; his tone sad. His hazel eyes glowed in the moonlight, framed by his long dark lashes and they tugged at my heartstrings. He was so real in my dreams. “Please?” he said again. His face crumpled and I couldn’t take it.
“You’re not real you know. This is just my imagination. I will wake up and I will be sad if I allow myself to pretend that you are really here with me. So, don’t take it personally. I just don’t feel like waking up sad again,” I explained flatly to my mind’s rendition of Andrew.
He looked down and he was silent for a few minutes. I allowed the silence to just pass, listening to the crashing of the waves against the shore. I was just about to turn and walk away when he looked up and I found myself feeling frightened.
He was positively furious. Even for a nightmare, the expression on his face was truly horrific. It was a look of pure and utter hatred. His face grew red and I started to back away slowly.
“Why are you backing away?” he asked, madness ringing in his voice. “Do you think I would hurt you?”
I shook my head as I continued to back up. I was not sure if he would hurt me or not, but I didn’t want to find out. This was not Andrew, this was something much darker. His face had twisted into an evil grin, baring his teeth. His eyebrows knitted together in anger. I shuddered, feeling the weight of his hateful gaze.
“What reason would I have to hurt you Torey? Hmmm?” He started to match my backward steps with forward steps. His voice had changed. There was something monstrous in the tone of it now. I could not think of anything except how badly I wanted to wake up.
“Maybe it’s the fact that you ruined so many years for me. Maybe it’s the fact that you stole my youth. Maybe it’s the fact that I wasted so much of my precious time on someone so worthless. Maybe that’s why I want to hurt you. Maybe it’s that you never listened. Maybe it’s that you caused me so much pain. I don’t really think it matters why I want to, do you? The fact is I do,” He said, grinning wider. I knew it was only my insecurities haunting me in the form of a monstrous Andrew, but I was still more frightened than I had ever felt in my life.
I had begun to whimper without even realizing it. The madness was growing in his eyes. My only chance would be to turn and run for it. He would undoubtedly catch me, but hopefully if I ran, I would wake from this nightmare.
I turned around and broke into a full sprint. The shore and the palm trees that lined me on the side became a blur. I could hear him closing in on me within moments. The salty air stung my throat as I ran out of breath. The sounds of his footsteps grew louder and louder until they seemed like they were right on top of me and I found myself hurdling face forward toward the ground. I hit the ground with a loud thump and my breath left me.
He turned me over so I could see his face as he held my wrists above head, his grip much too tight. He smiled down, his face twisted in insanity.
“Please wake up! Please wake up! Please wake up!” I sobbed. I tried to concentrate on the sky and my breathing. The last thing I wanted to do was look into his face.
There was a stabbing pain and then the agony spread through my chest as I felt my ribs snap. I heard a tearing and squishing sound as he I pulled my still-beating heart out of my chest and laughed. “You always had said it belonged to me, I thought I would take it.”
I screamed.
I woke up screaming, sitting up in my bed covered with sweat. I grasped my chest, half expecting to find a gaping ragged hole. My mother came running in the room and my screams continued.
“Torey! Are you ok? What happened?” my mother asked in a panic.
I wrapped my arms around her and sobbed. She rubbed my back and I explained the nightmare to her. I was truly shaken. The other nightmares had been bad because I was losing Andrew, but this was different. It was horrifying because Andrew had become a murderous monster.
She offered to sleep in the room with me and I accepted. I was scared to death of sleep now. I wasn’t sure if I would even be able to sleep again. I couldn’t face the monster Andrew; the regular memory Andrew was bad enough. My mother turned off the light and settled in next to me.
“You should really try to get some sleep,” she whispered.
“Yeah,” I replied thoughtlessly as I forced myself back to lying position. I stared at the ceiling. My heart was still racing from the nightmare. How long would I be unhinged? How long would these nightmares plague me?
It was hours before I found sleep again. Luckily when I did fall asleep it was dreamless. When my eyes opened to the noontime sunlight, I was grateful to have gotten some uninterrupted rest. My mother was obviously already up for the day. I could smell the aroma of coffee and pancakes wafting in through the bedroom door. I smiled. I stretched and then hopped out of bed. I made my way to the kitchen.
When I walked into the kitchen I couldn’t help but laugh a little. My mother was smiling and whistling, flipping pancakes between sips of coffee. She looked over at me and smiled.
“You’re going to spoil me you know,” I said teasingly.
“Everyone needs a little spoiling every once in a while,” she replied with a smile.
I went to the fridge and pulled out the butter and the syrup and sat them on the breakfast table. I grabbed napkins and forks and placed them on the table as well. My mother walked over with two plates of fluffy, perfectly round pancakes and sat them on the table. She turned around and grabbed her mug of coffee and one for me as well.
We sat down and I smiled appreciatively at her as I buttered my pancakes and poured the syrup over top of them. I shoveled pancakes into my mouth and sipped my bold, hot coffee. “Thanks so much Mom. I could truly get used to this,” I said with a giant child-like grin.
“Don’t mention it. I really miss making breakfast for you kids. I used to love to get up early and watch all of your bright faces as you came into the kitchen. It made me feel happy,” she said, lost in some distant reverie.
After breakfast, we both took showers and got dressed to go to the beach. I looked forward to our outing with the same anticipation that I had the day before. The beach was the cure for all of my worries and fears. I was on day two and hoped that there would be no reality jumping today.
We jumped in the car and headed out for the beac
h. It was just as lovely and warm as it had been the day before. This time I drove to the parking lot next to the pier. I thought a change in location might be nice.
We walked out to the beach and laid out our towels. I pulled my sundress over my head and lowered myself down on my towel. My mother did the same. I stared out at the water, the sun sparkling on the ripples as far as the eyes could see. The waves were higher than average. It looked like they were peaking at six feet. They would crash down violently and the foam would spread out onto the sand where the birds splashed and young children played.
There was no shortage of surfers next to the pier. I thought to myself how crazy it was that they risked being thrown into the pilings just for the thrill of the bigger waves that generated next to the pier. Fun and happiness meant so many things to different people. I smiled and shook my head at the thought.
The sun felt good against my skin. The cool breeze came by every so often, feeling unbelievable against the sweat coated surface of my arms and legs. I watched the surfers weave in and out of the waves. Then, one of them caught my attention. There was no mistaking the black and white shorts. His wet hair hung stringy around his face. My stomach turned over. Andrew was out there and this time I was pretty sure that I was not hallucinating.
I looked over at my mother and thought of asking her if she saw what I saw, but then stopped when I saw the smile draped across her face. Her eyes were closed. She looked completely at peace. I decided to leave the subject unchallenged. Even if his was out there, it didn’t mean anything. We didn’t have to leave. It was a public beach after all. If I didn’t cause any attention to be drawn to us, he probably wouldn’t even notice that we were there, especially if we hadn’t talked in the amount of time that my mother and the doctor had said.
Still I was unable to keep myself from watching him turn and twist upon the waves. His tan wet skin glistened in the sunlight. When he would fall into the water and resurface, he would run his hands through his hair, exposing his well-defined face. My heart wrenched and I knew that what I was doing wasn’t healthy. Why torture myself with longing for something that I can’t have?
I watched as he dropped into another wave. This one looked about seven feet high. Then all of the sudden he was gone. His board was being thrown into the pilings, but he was nowhere to be seen. No one seemed to be panicked. I frantically searched the surface and saw nothing. I stood up and began to run. Sand flew up behind my feet and hit the back of my legs. I could hear my Mom calling out to me from behind, but I didn’t turn around. This was different. This was not a nightmare. Andrew could really disappear and whether or not he was with me or not, I did not want anything to happen to him.
I jumped under the first set of waves and swam hard against the current. Again and again I ducked under the oncoming sets, trying to swim out to where I saw his board. No one seemed to take notice of me or the fact that there was someone that had disappeared. The salt water stung my eyes and caused my nose to run, but I just kept fighting and swimming. I reached his board and followed the leash, only to find that there was nothing and no one attached to it. I looked from side to side hoping against hope for some glimpse of him. I had to save him. My heart felt as though it would jump out of my chest. Where had he gone? A pain spread across my chest at the thought that I was already too late.
All of the sudden I saw his head bobbing at the surface. His eyes were shut and his face looked lifeless. I swam frantically over to where he was and grabbed him. With one arm propping his head up, I started fighting my way back to shore. As we closed the distance to shore, another set of large waves come in and stole Andrew from my grip, pounding him into the shore. I became horrified as I got swept up in the current and was hurdled head first into the pilings. There was a smack, followed by pain, and then came the darkness.
I woke up to find myself in a hospital room once again. My throat hurt and so did my head. I imagined that I had come pretty close to drowning. My mother slept in a chair in the corner of the room with her beach towel wrapped around her shoulders. I decided not to wake her. Who knows how long I had been out? I am sure the whole day had been emotionally and physically exhausting. I wondered if Andrew was ok.
A tall, slender, blonde haired doctor walked in. He couldn’t have been older than his late twenties or early thirties. A smile stretched across his face, showing off his perfect white teeth. His green eyes sparkled as he realized I was awake. His sea foam green scrubs made him look unnaturally tan. He looked like he belonged in a Hollywood movie instead of a hospital.
“Hi there Torey. My name is Dr. Conner. How are you feeling?” he said cheerfully.
“I’ve felt better,” I replied. My voice was raspy from all of the salt water I had swallowed. “Is Andrew ok?”
“He’s fine actually. He’s waiting outside. He wanted to talk to you. I can send him in after we talk if you would like.”
I thought it over for a minute. What if this is just another illusion? What if I was just setting myself up for another disappointment? Then again, I was already apparently so far gone it did not matter. I nodded.
“Ok, well you took in a pretty serious amount of water into your lungs. You are very lucky to be alive. You also have a concussion where you hit your head against the pilings. Needless to say we will be keeping you overnight for observation. We want to be sure you are fine before we release you. Do you have any questions?”
I simply shook my head. I was anxious to see Andrew. I wondered what he would have to say. I had saved his life. I had actually saved him.
“Ok, well I will be back in a while to check on you. I will have the nurse send Andrew in.” The doctor turned around and exited the room. I sat and waited in silence, watching the door.
The door opened and Andrew walked in. He was still in his black and white board shorts. He now had a T-shirt on and flip flops as well. His hair hung in tangled pieces next to his face. He looked worn out, but then I supposed most people who had almost drowned would look the same. His face was still devastatingly beautiful. My heart ached as I attempted to smile and failed miserably.
“Hi,” I managed to whisper.
“Hey.” He stood in silence for a few minutes just staring at me with his bloodshot eyes. I wondered what was running through his mind, but decided it would be best just to let him speak when he was ready.
“Look, I really well,” he looked down at his feet and shuffled them uncomfortably; “I really wanted to thank you for what you did, for saving my life. I don’t know how I will ever repay you. I know that we haven’t spoken in a really long time. I never really thought that we would ever be in the situation we are in now.” He stopped and shifted some more on his feet. He looked like he was struggling to find the words to say.
“Well, you know, just because we aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean I would sit back and watch you die. I would like to believe you would do the same for me you know. I mean I still love you. I will always love you. I never stopped caring,” I said, my mind filling with memories of days and years past.
“Mike told me about your…. breakdown. Are you ok? I mean, how are you holding up these days?” He sounded genuinely concerned. His gaze fell on my wrists and my eyes followed. The white scars and white dots from being stitched up still remained. I wished that there was a way to make them magically disappear in that instant. Blood rushed to my face in embarrassment.
“Some days are harder than others. I have a lot of nightmares. It’s getting better though I guess,” I lied through my teeth. “What about you? How are you? I heard you are married now. How is that going for you? Does Ameda know you are here?”
“Things are pretty good,” he replied, looking hesitant. “We did get married. The ceremony was nice. Ameda is here. She’s out in the hallway. I explained that I needed to speak to you, that I owed it…. Well you get the general idea.” His every word struck through my heart like a razor. I knew that what happened did not change anything between us. I knew we would not be fri
ends tomorrow. I knew that I would still be leaving the hospital to the same lonely life that I had been living before. Saving his life did not make him even the slightest bit more in love with me and though I might be crazy, I was not crazy enough to delude myself in believing anything but just that.
All of the sudden, I remembered all of the things I had said to him in my dream about the fortress. It was all the things that I had long to say since it had all ended in the first place. Why not say them now. If I am going to lose it all over again, I might as well just go ahead and put the icing on the cake. He could walk out on me, but it was worth the chance to try.
“Andrew, there are some things I really have been wanting to say to you for a long time. I hope that you will hear me out and then you can leave if you want,” I said hopefully.
“Sure, I am all ears. It is the least I can do,” he replied with a boyish grin.
“Well, I just wanted to apologize for all of the bad things that happened. I am sorry for all the times I went out and left you at home. I am sorry for the fights and the yelling. I am sorry for every moment that I ever took you for granted. I am happy that you are happy now. I just wish I could have been the one to make you happy. There isn’t a day don’t miss you. I hope that you can forgive me for all of that. Sorry to bother you with it now, but who knows if I will ever get the opportunity again. So there you have it.” Blood rushed to my cheeks as I awaited his reply, unsure of what to expect.
He was silent for a minute and then he looked me in the face and smiled a half smile just shaking his head, “It wasn’t just you. It was both of us. There is nothing to forgive. We both made mistakes. We both hurt each other. I don’t hold any grudges. I know that you are going to be really happy someday. There were moments when we made each other happy and I think that’s more than a lot of people get. So, take care of yourself. Know that I care. We just can’t be in each other’s lives anymore. It just isn’t a possibility.” He walked over to me and kissed my hand ever so swiftly. His eyes were shiny and the green in them glowed as if he might cry. He turned his back to walk out of the room and I didn’t call after him to stop him. Just like that the door was closed and he was gone out of my life again.
The tears started to fall a few minutes after he had left. The sounds of my soft cries woke up my mother. She pulled the chair over to my side and grabbed my hand. I was sure that this scene was uncomfortable for her. How many times would she have to sit next to a hospital bed and hold my hand?
“What’s wrong sweetie?” she asked.
“Andrew just left,” I said my voice uneven.
Anger filled her face, “What did he say to you? Was it not enough that you saved his life? Does he feel the need to make you feel worse than he already has? I don’t wish death upon anyone, but that boy doesn’t deserve anything from you after what he did.”
“No, no Mom. It wasn’t like that. He didn’t say anything mean to me. He was really nice actually. I am just sad that nothing has changed. We are still not going to be friends. We are still not going to be speaking.” I explained.
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but it is probably for the best. What good would it do if the two of you spoke? All it would do is further impede your healing process. You wouldn’t be able to get over him with him in your face and in your life all of the time.”
“Plus he is happy now. He found what he is looking for. I would just bring him down. I don’t want to get in the way.” I said, my eyes focusing on the ceiling so she couldn’t see the tears in my eyes.
“You know he is a fool Torey,” my mother reassured me. She squeezed my hand with one hand and wiped away my tears with the other. Her pretty face was filled with love and concern.
“No, he just got tired I think Mom. I am not mad anymore. How can I begrudge him happiness? Maybe it doesn’t make me happy, but why would I want someone to be unhappy for me?”
We dropped the subject and I closed my eyes to sleep once more. It had been much too long of a day and too much had happened. I guessed in a way though, I had obtained some kind of closure and there was some peace in that.
I was released the next day from the hospital. The hallucinations had ceased all together and though I had nightmares, they weren’t as frequent. There was a story in the paper about how I had saved Andrew’s life, barely escaping death myself. I got a lot of phone calls in reply to that. Media people wanted interviews. Some of his family had even called to thank me .I made it out to be no big deal though and soon enough it all blew over.
After a month or so, my mother felt confident enough in me to leave me by myself again. I had a new job waitressing at a local wing joint. I had re-enrolled in school. Everything was starting to feel like it had a certain level of normalcy and all of the fear and sadness, slowly melted away to the background of my mind.
My mother stood at my front door with her suitcase in hand, a small amount of worry still playing across her face. “Now if you need anything at all you call me ok? I will be back down here as fast as you need me.” She looked lovely. Her hair hung in natural curls and the green flowered dress she wore brought out her eyes. I smiled.
“Mom, I will be fine. I have to get back to being an adult sometime. I will call often, I promise. I am just looking forward to a new start. I really appreciate everything. Come down and visit soon. I am going to miss you and your fabulous pancakes.” I laughed and moved to embrace her.
She squeezed me tight and said, “I will miss you too. I love you. You take care of yourself.”
I pulled away and wiped the small tears that had formed at the corner of her eyes away. “You drive safe now. Call me when you get there.”
She nodded and waved as she reached her car. I watched as she drove away under a perfect sunset and I was alone once more. The warm evening breeze blew across my skin and for the first time it felt like I would be able to take everything on. Maybe I could still have a happy ending. Maybe everything I wanted would still be possible. I turned around to go back inside and resolved that I would move forward and be happy someday. This day would mark the first day of the rest of my life.